A unique nightmare of an affair...

[Lost00]

Hello…I’m an OM that’s been lurking LS for the last few months. I’ve decided to post about my situation since MW and I have gone NC for a week now. It’s been the darkest place I’ve been in all my life. I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I feel quite low and there’s no more spirit left within me. After reading through many posts here, I haven’t found an exact situation like the one I’m in.

 

MW and I have known each other for around 8 years. She has been with her H for around the same amount of time, and has been married for 4 of those years. So yes…I was friends with the H as well, which makes this even worse than the average A. For the last 5 years, MW and I became close friends and acknowledge each other as best friends. We communicated on a regular basis already, but started communicating more and more during that time. Eventually, our communications were on a daily basis. I’ve been in two committed long term relationships during these 5 years as well, and MW was always the one and only person I confided in about all things that surround my life. She knows me in and out. No one else in my life has ever known me better.

 

Around October, MW and I started hanging out more often on the weekends since they were trying to have another child (Their first is a little over 2 years old), and I had just broken up with my GF of over 1 year. She wanted to be able to hang out and drink until she was preggers. I’ve always thought they had a perfect marriage from the outside looking in, although her H always had an issue with groping females while drunk. MW is a very level headed individual, so I thought maybe she sees her H in action, but just doesn’t care since it never goes any further. To our group of friends it just became “That’s just how he is when drunk. He’s harmless”. Around Nov is when she first discussed with me that she knew about his groping, but never knew the extent of it since myself and no one else mentioned it to her. Not only myself, but other friends have always thought she knew of it and didn’t care, so we never brought it up to her (our fault). MW actually confronted the H about it in the past and he would say he doesn’t recall what happened when he’s drunk. Once finding out the extent/frequency of the groping from myself and other friends, she confronted her H again. As you all can see now, this is where it all begins…A recipe for an A is brewing.

 

So between us confiding in each other during this time, and hanging out without her H around, things started to happen. An EA started around x-mas. That’s when we told each other “I love you’s”. On New Years, we went to a party together. Her husband stayed home with the child since he was trying to quit drinking due to his groping behavior. This is when the perfect storm started brewing…A close friend to the H took MW into the restroom and told her that his GF once saw the H and one of my ex-GFs fooling around at one of their own parties. After hearing that, we left and went back to my place. She stayed over (nothing new since she has stayed over several times before if she comes out with me on the weekend) and we ended up kissing and having sex for the first time. Obviously, this led to a full blown EA/PA. We’d have PA encounters on a weekly basis, until Feb when we went out of town together and with another friend for my bday. During this trip, we were caught making out by the friend, which is also a friend with the H. After the trip this friend said that she must tell the H about the kissing at least, even though we admitted of having sex. He wanted her to admit what he saw at least for his conscience. She ended up admitting to her husband about our kiss. He wasn’t as mad as expected. During the course of the next few days, MW thinks she can’t be with her H, and there’s nothing there. She wants to tell him about the sex in hopes of him wanting a D. I was OK with whatever she wanted to do, but never advised her whether or not she should leave her H. That was not my place. We were clearly in a fog at this time. She went through with telling the H about the A, and he blew up this time. He left to stay with a friend for 2-3 days, but ultimately didn’t want a D. He feels, and was told by our friend that he’s partly responsible for it happening.

 

After that D-Day, MW knows that she has to give her marriage a try for the sake of her son. There’s no way she can leave without knowing for sure. We tried to start NC, but it never happened. Neither of us was strong enough. She decided with her H, that they would give their marriage a try and go to MC until next year to see if it’s repairable. The EA/PA continued until another D-day where the H caught us having lunch (strictly lunch). He had installed GPS to track her. That reignited thoughts of needing to work on the marriage, but again, we were not strong enough to stop. We setup more days together to plan for our last day of contact before going NC. Before that last scheduled day, we had D-day #3. This time her H read an email chain. This happened the night of one our days together, so she confessed about our day together and that we had sex etc. This seemed to be the last straw for the MW, so she initiated NC the following day to try and put an earnest effort into her marriage like she promised before proceeding with anything else. She’s indicated if not for her child, she would be long gone already and with me.

 

This is where I’m at now. I’m fighting every urge to contact MW, so life has been a complete nightmare. I made my bed and I now lay in it. I know life as I knew it is now over. I think back and it’s completely out of character for both me and MW to do something like this. We’ve also discussed how we got to this point without thinking of the consequences. We are all friends with the same group of people, and everyone knows about the A now. I’m now alone, lost, depressed, and any other feeling to describe a “bad” feeling. I know that I made the biggest mistake in my life by betraying a friend and being involved in an A. I feel like I’m left with nothing. It’s all very tough since I’ve never felt such a perfect emotional/physical connection with anyone else before, and also because I feel like I’ve lost more than someone I truly love. I lost my long-time best friend as well

 

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to hear some feedback, criticism, analysis, or whatever opinions anyone has. How do I make it through this? Has anyone experienced an A with a long time friend, or have heard of stories like this? If so, I’d like to know the outcome. How does this story end??

[ver13]

Stay out of her situation and let her make her choices if it was mean't to be then it will be. But you really don't want to go down the road of the OM, it's lame. Look no matter what you may think your still sleeping with a woman after someone else and so is he. Which put's the both of you at a serious disadvantage because in the end she's not faithful to either of you. OM/H whats the difference in the end, she's using both of you for her own gratification. So sit back and let it go until she decides who she wants to be with.

[Emme]

Oh boy :bunny:HUG:bunny:

 

I don't even know where to start. This situation has so many players that's why your pain is multiplied. I'm sorry your going through this but hopefully with our support you can make the right decisions moving forward. You have to step back and give her the time and space she needs. I know it's hard but you have to do this. Just to know for sure that she has tried to make the marriage work and that the attempts end result is there is no love there any more.

 

You can't continue to help her stray. Even though you're not pulling her hand you have to let this run its course. That's the only way to know in the end if she really wants you and only you. Right now she's enjoying having stability of a husband and a boy toy. If she wanted to be with you and knew there was no future she would have just filed for a divorce. There is just so much emotions she's not sure if she is thinking in her right frame of mind. You backing off will give her that space she needs to make a sound decision.

 

As far as the friendship with the people you know. Has anyone reached out to you to say they still care? Are they all giving you the cold shoulder? Do you really miss there friendship? Are you sure your not the one that's pulling away since you might feel some shame for what has happened? One thing about friendships is that if you know someone long enough they accept you for all your flaws. They might want to not choose sides or speak to you because of the husband. I'm sure that your friends still care for you and this is just a situation that has them staying away hopefully not for long.

 

I had an affair with one of my oldest and dearest friends. The sexual relations started in college and we just could not stop. We were in relationships in college and we could not stop. We had our own world and made it ok in our minds we were just friends that had sex and it meant nothing. That's what I told myself anyway.... we loved and cared about each other so there's nothing wrong with what we are doing. Marriage came... still could not stop. I look back now in shock since I'm talking about my adult life and I can't believe how warped my mind was. I love him. Not only as a lover, a friend. I'm in more pain losing my friendship than I was to end it sexually. I'm sure this woman knows you well. I'm sure that you might think the sex is grand. If you are her friend, back off. If you want to be a part of her life until she's old and gray... back off. If you can salvage whatever friendship you can that's left with her... which you never know, it could be possible. Some people put things in the past and move forward. Don't sacrifice the friendship if it's truly dear to you.

 

I'm sorry your going through this and it's sad to say it but I just try to think... Life could be a lot worse. Everyone is healthy and no one is dead. People in this world have worse issues than the one your having right now. All you can do is stand tall and get through this. We are here to support you if you need to talk or vent. Keep that chin up.

Edited May 24, 2011 by Emme

[Lost00]

As far as the friendship with the people you know. Has anyone reached out to you to say they still care? Are they all giving you the cold shoulder? Do you really miss there friendship? Are you sure your not the one that's pulling away since you might feel some shame for what has happened? One thing about friendships is that if you know someone long enough they accept you for all your flaws. They might want to not choose sides or speak to you because of the husband. I'm sure that your friends still care for you and this is just a situation that has them staying away hopefully not for long.

 

Thanks for your kind words and direction Emme. It's nice and much appreciated .

 

Besides a death threat from the brother of the H, and a hate letter to both the MW and I from a wife of a friend, there has been a couple of close friends that have reached out to tell me they don't hate me, but needed to let the dust settle. Of course there are others that think the situation is terrible and that I'm a homewrecker, understandably. I do miss my friendships dearly since we are all a part of a big social group. It's not out of the norm for bday parties to have 30+ friends, so that's going to be a huge change to not have that kind of interaction anymore. I am actually always paranoid when I'm out that I may run into someone right now due to the shame.

 

If she does decide to stay with her marriage, I will most definitely lose that friendship for good due to what I've done to the H. We can only be BFF's in spirit at that point. That's actually the biggest loss out of all of this. My biggest regrets stem from that possibility. Going from communicating everyday, seeing each other often, and taking trips together yearly, to the possibility of losing all that is drastic and devastating.

 

I feel like i'm slowly rotting from the inside out, but you're right...life could be much worse...

[Emme]

Thanks for your kind words and direction Emme. It's nice and much appreciated .

 

Besides a death threat from the brother of the H, and a hate letter to both the MW and I from a wife of a friend, there has been a couple of close friends that have reached out to tell me they don't hate me, but needed to let the dust settle. Of course there are others that think the situation is terrible and that I'm a homewrecker, understandably. I do miss my friendships dearly since we are all a part of a big social group. It's not out of the norm for bday parties to have 30+ friends, so that's going to be a huge change to not have that kind of interaction anymore. I am actually always paranoid when I'm out that I may run into someone right now due to the shame.

 

If she does decide to stay with her marriage, I will most definitely lose that friendship for good due to what I've done to the H. We can only be BFF's in spirit at that point. That's actually the biggest loss out of all of this. My biggest regrets stem from that possibility. Going from communicating everyday, seeing each other often, and taking trips together yearly, to the possibility of losing all that is drastic and devastating.

 

I feel like i'm slowly rotting from the inside out, but you're right...life could be much worse...

 

 

Those two people need to stay out of it that I put in bold. No one other than the H can say anything to you. When the husbands incessant groping was occurring everyone was silent. Be silent now.

 

Your friends who are speaking to you are correct. You should let the dust settle. Let everyone get this affair off their minds. When you are no longer the topic of gossip you can move forward.

 

Right now I think you should look at her working on her marriage as a benefit. How else will you know if she genuinely cares for you. She has to decide without influence. If she's tried and finds that her love is for you then she will be yours. It's a nasty waiting game. It seems that's all that can do right now. I know you love her and miss her but in the end if BFF's in spirit is all you can have....It's something rather than her hating you in the end.

[Emme]

I wanted to know how you are? For some strange reason I feel like I'm doing a body count. Why I dunno... Hope you have a great weekend and try not to sulk ... frown lines. Think positive thoughts.

[Lost00]

I wanted to know how you are? For some strange reason I feel like I'm doing a body count. Why I dunno... Hope you have a great weekend and try not to sulk ... frown lines. Think positive thoughts.

 

Thanks for checking in Emme. Not doing so hot. We broke NC after 2 weeks . Before D-Day, we had a "hooky day" scheduled for yesterday. Of course after d-day, that was cancelled. NC was broken when she contacted me on Tuesday asking how I was doing. I thought about not responding, but I couldn't resist myself. We exchanged a few messages that day. Yesterday morning, I received an email in the morning asking if I wanted to meet at the theater (our original plan for the day). I agreed and met up. We spent the entire day together. Nothing physical...No kissing, no sex..just holding hands. The feeling I got throughout the day was foreign to me. I was happy to see her, but very sad at the same time since I knew the situation is still the same. Such a whirlwind of emotions...

[Lost00]

I think it is extremely weird that you became attracted to a woman that was actively trying to have a baby with her H. For me that is a signal to stay away. I have to assume you were quite needy at the time.

 

Understand that wile she is having sex with you she is also having a ton of sex with her H. I am quite certain they likely had some form of hysterical bonding. I have been involved in triangles like that and it presents situations that are quite gross.

 

If you truly love this woman then you must go NC 100%. There is no married woman in the planet that can rebuild a marriage while having contact with OM.

 

You must exit from her life and avoid all contact. That includes phone calls, text, reading old emails, looking at old photos, etc. You may consider moving to another state.

 

As for your pain: It will get better very quickly if you are 100% NC. However, the pain could linger and return every time you break NC.

 

If it helps -------------------consider this. All the pain that you have is self-inflicted.

 

 

 

I'd have to agree that it was weird for me to not have put much emphasize on them trying to have another baby. I think part of the reason was her telling me of their problems. She actually eventually started taking BC because she realized the problems in her marriage and did not want to be "locked in" to an unhappy marriage.

 

She did not have sex with her H during the time of the A. She always denied him. It lasted for about 6 months. One of the issues in their marriage was that she didn't want to be intimate with him during the 2-3 years prior to our A. She'd rather masturbate. This is the first time I heard of "Hysterical Bonding", so I looked it up. It's an interesting concept because she did have sex with her H shortly after we were caught. We were caught 2 weeks ago, and she told me her and the H were intimate when she contacted me a couple of days ago. This means they had sex somewhere between the 2 weeks. I didn't figure she would be able to have sex with him so soon after we did, but maybe the hysterical bonding explains it. I also attributed it to her being stricken with guilt and doing everything to give it her all for the marriage. Even though the BS has been wanting sex from her for quite some time now, I can't see how he wants it so soon after he found out about us having sex again. Interesting to me.

 

I do completely agree with your last statement, and I remind myself of that all the time. While I'm going through all of this, I have no one to blame but myself..

[RRM]

I'm sorry you're going through this Lost00. I've never been a fan of NC when it comes to regular break ups, but having not been in an affair, I'm not too qualified to say whether or not NC is the right thing in terms of ending this affair.

 

I think very reduced contact probably is a good idea because she needs to have her head clear in order to make an informed decision about the marriage.

 

Was there a reason why she didn't want to be intimate with her H?

[reboot]

She did not have sex with her H during the time of the A. She always denied him.

 

No offense meant, but do you live in their house with them? If not, you have only the word of a known liar and cheater on this.

 

They ALWAYS say this. Once in a great while it's even true......

[Lost00]

Was there a reason why she didn't want to be intimate with her H?

 

This was due to the internalized resentment of her H's groping ways. She suggested couseling a couple years ago when she lost the desire to be intimate with him, which he didn't take seriously.

[2sure]

After that many D-Days the fact that she has been unable to stop seeing you and unable to leave her husband: She doesnt really want to do either.

 

Further, she is doing one hell of a dance to KEEP her marriage. Think of this: Her H clearly is checking up on her in numerous ways. Even after each D-Day she convinces him to stay but he justifiably still doesnt trust her. This man is not turning a blind eye, he is not comfortable staying with his wife...he is doing it because she has convinced him to. each time.

 

If her child , her family , was her only driving concern regarding staying in the marriage - it would never ever play out like this.

 

I know you are hurting. But at some point, best friend or not...you have to swallow that you are being played. Possibly not maliciously, but still played.

[reboot]

Classic cake eater

[phillyfan]

I'd have to agree that it was weird for me to not have put much emphasize on them trying to have another baby. I think part of the reason was her telling me of their problems. She actually eventually started taking BC because she realized the problems in her marriage and did not want to be "locked in" to an unhappy marriage.

 

She did not have sex with her H during the time of the A. She always denied him. It lasted for about 6 months. One of the issues in their marriage was that she didn't want to be intimate with him during the 2-3 years prior to our A. She'd rather masturbate. This is the first time I heard of "Hysterical Bonding", so I looked it up. It's an interesting concept because she did have sex with her H shortly after we were caught. We were caught 2 weeks ago, and she told me her and the H were intimate when she contacted me a couple of days ago. This means they had sex somewhere between the 2 weeks. I didn't figure she would be able to have sex with him so soon after we did, but maybe the hysterical bonding explains it. I also attributed it to her being stricken with guilt and doing everything to give it her all for the marriage. Even though the BS has been wanting sex from her for quite some time now, I can't see how he wants it so soon after he found out about us having sex again. Interesting to me.

 

I do completely agree with your last statement, and I remind myself of that all the time. While I'm going through all of this, I have no one to blame but myself..

 

Dude I am sorry u r goin thru so much. But u know what...stand back from the situation n think about it as independant as u can. Forget the marriage for a second; wat u have is this:

 

a girl who u r in love with. She makes u share her with anotha dude. But under the excuses of 'Guilt', 'the child', 'hysterical bonding', etc, u let her do it and shes more thn happy 2 let u belive that. She wont leave the otha dude, she's led 2 u gettin death threats, losin friends n not leavin the house thru shame. Afta all that sh*t n u havin to haul around HER baggage evry day, she EMAILS u suggestin a little flirty meet up. And thats what u get from this woman. U think this is what LOVE looks like? No man, this aint wat love looks like, not a rats chance in hell.

 

FFS man, she aint worth it. U need 2 stand back say look at me, I am a good guy, wud do anything for a girl i love, the right girl will apreciate that, then throw away her numba, neva contact her again.

[2sure]

Really, you think that with all of the D-Days, all of the convincing she has had to do to keep her husband...that they havent been having sex ? Honey, they havent just been having sex they have been having honey please dont leave me sex. Since D-Day #1.

[Mimolicious]

What's so "Nightmare" about this? It's actually very typical. Sorry to be harsh, but this is what happens when someone offers so much attention and entertains a "friendship" more than their family and M.

 

With all due respect, this chick is "trying to get pregnant" but is out "drinking" with another dude that it ain't her H?! Yeah, she got her head on straight. Mind you, she already has a 2yr old. Such an amazing mother...

 

While her H is at home trying to quit drinking, she is out doing just that?! (plus boinking the BFF). Lovely! She has issues and serious ones.

 

I’ve never felt such a perfect emotional/physical connection with anyone else before,

 

You actually could meet someone else. If you bothered to apply all the energy into that person as you did to your MWBFF...

 

The fact that her H is still dealing with her baffles me. He should really set her free so you can keep this charmer all to yourself. Poor guy.

 

I partly feel sorry for you, that you have lost all your friends for following a feeling. Unfortunately, these are the consequences and As hurt more than the immediate people in it. Now, not even your friends will think highly of you. Such a shame...