Okay so do I keep NC or do LC?

May 24, 2011

SO if you read my update my ex and I had been NC for amonth...2 weeks ago I wrote him a text saying please give us a second chance (just us no dating others) and he replied a polite "don't know how to reply to that"...

2 weeks pass and he emails me "there are so many things i selfishly wish and want (meaning to talk to me/maybe hang out) please let me know if you'd ever condiser opening a line of ocmmunication via email or text"

So i didn't reply to email then he texted me to verify i got the email and i said yes i did. he said thank you.

so....what does all this mean?

what should i do?

I DO want to communicate with him:

to fix the bad image he has of me

to show him i have and can change (learned from mistakes in our rel.)

i miss him and do love him

maybe we can start as friends and something can develop

I DO NOT want to communicate with him:

during the break up he hurt me-rejected me

i may fall more in love and he may want to remain friends

talking to him may just make him feel good enough to keep doing what he's doing

I figure that...if I try this LC over NC i can at least have some control and go NC anytime i want.....

ideas?

I havent written back to his email-his exact email is in another post of mine

May 24, 2011

I think you are right, try LC and if it dosnt work for you then just go straight back to NC.

At the end of the day, you havnt even started to heal so if this dosnt work its not as if its going to set you back, because you havnt moved forward at all.

May 24, 2011

I think you are right, try LC and if it dosnt work for you then just go straight back to NC.

At the end of the day, you havnt even started to heal so if this dosnt work its not as if its going to set you back, because you havnt moved forward at all.

true very true

May 24, 2011

I would do LC but never contact him unless he contacts you first. Also, I wouldn't talk about the past.

If you find yourself getting hurt all over again, jealous he's seeing others (and he will be), or talking about the future together then NC immediately.

Good luck

May 24, 2011

I would do NC. You haven't even started to start to heal yet.

I don't like his response to your text. Your text was like "I'm madly in love with you and I just want you to come home to me." His response (after the whole, "I don't know whether to respond" response) amounted to, "I'm not coming back, and I'm going to be vague about the fact that you asked." He may very well love you and want to reconcile some day...I agree with the analysis on the other thread. He probably felt a sense of failure at his inability to make you happy. You can't show him or yourself that that's changed yet, because you still feel desperate. Which is sooo understandable, most of us have been there or are there! But it makes it not the right time to start out fresh with someone you love, when you feel needy towards them and hope they'll give you a sign.

I think you should go into active, GLEEFUL No Contact. Don't do it as a way to send (or not send) a message to him, but decide INTERNALLY, in your own heart and mind, that you're going to spend the next 60 days making yourself very happy and turning into the person you most want to be, in all the aspects except the ones that relate to being together with him. Take a break from mourning him and trying to get him back, and then on Day 61, you can reinitiate contact and make a fresh start, if you still want to be with him.

People recommend not warning the ex before NC, but in this case, all the cards are on the table. I might send one email reminding him of this before starting the 60 days: "I've thought about your email carefully. I know you got my text and you understand that I want us to be together again. Please feel free to contact me or to come home if you change your mind and decide you want that. If not, I appreciate you giving me space and, if I want to be friends some day in the future, I will be in touch." This is basically what he offered up in his email, so it shouldn't be surprising or confusing to him. I think he was hoping for a more positive response.

I don't think it's a good scenario for LC, because it's not like he isn't sure how you feel and isn't sure he wants to get back together right now. He knows exactly how you feel.

And I love that you laid it all out there. The right match for you will love and want to be with you more than he'll be turned off if you seem a little desperate at the prospect of losing him.

Don't ever try to pretend to yourself or him that you're okay settling for less than what you really want and really feel. Right now, you are not only dealing with heartbreak, but with rejection. (And those are actually two different things.) The rejection will start to really give your self-esteem a beating if you don't keep very truthful about it. None of us needs a "friend" who would respond to "Please come home to me" with "No, not at all, never, but we could email sometimes?" He might change his mind in the future, or he might not. YOU might change your mind in the future, or maybe not. But right now, I think LC would be hurting yourself.

The 60 days NC won't work if you focus on just NC, as if it's a solution in itself. Really give yourself a 60 day BREAK from this rejection! You need it! Ask yourself, in each moment, "What can I do to make this moment fun?" Tell yourself, "I don't know about the future, but RIGHT NOW I'm having a happier moment without him, even though I love him."

May 24, 2011

You don't even know where he stands. It's like you're walking into this blindfolded, heart in hand, in vague surroundings .

LC is nothing but a tease. Alongside hope, it's disaster.

If you get on LC, you're going to be hoping to hear from him. And if you don't hear from him, you're going to be fidgeting about contacting. And when you decide you want to contact, you're going to be wondering what you can/cannot say. Then when he doesn't contact, you're wondering if he is with someone. When he does contact, you're on a high and then it wears off and you crash wishing for more.

You're not even remotely healed or somewhat together emotionally to deal with LC. Why don't you NC for a couple/few months and then entertain the idea of LC. You're too raw and hurt right now. Give yourself a chance to at least lessen your hurt and gain some clarity.

And why put yourself in a position where you know that there is potential hurt around the corner because you do know that at some point he may start dating. You're just gouging a wound that's still open. You know the pot is hot, but you still want to put your hand on it because you're thinking, "Maybe it's not so hot?"

Deep down inside you know you aren't ready. If you were, you wouldn't be struggling emotionally with this so much. And if you are struggling now, imagine starting contact again, getting closer again, building your hope (because you do have hope) and then having to uproot yourself all over again because he either 1) wants to just be friends 2) starts dating.

If you want to show him you are making changes, show him that you need to take this time off for yourself to work on you. He may be pleasantly suprised that you are taking these steps and actually taking action. Your insecurities are going to resurface when you're emotional this way and they're going to rear it's ugly head because you didn't give yourself enough time to find emotional and mental clarity before stepping back in again.

Approaching this with a wounded heart and a beaten sense of self is not going to help you or the situation in any way.

Edited May 24, 2011 by geegirl

May 24, 2011

OP,

Sorry I was under the impression you already did 60 day NC atleast. But after reading the responses I realize you haven't.

Like you, I'm struggling to make decisions about my ex.

Look at this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276571/

You gave me good advice, such good advice I took it! Thank you

Take it for yourself. If these guys aren't ready to give us 100% then they shouldn't have even 10% of us, right?

May 25, 2011

Leda-

That was an awesome response and very true. I think that he totally blew me off with his reply to my loving text and yeah he basically didn't answer to what I said and only offered what he wants which is to have communication and thats it.

Now the part that gets me...that makes it tricky is that he left me cause i'm so controlling and cause he says i'm very dichotomous...all or nothing AKA my way or the highway...and he's right i am. and when we broke up he said the same thing that i want to either get back or have nothing...which is true...

and so i kinda see this LC as a chance for me to show him that i dont need to get everything i want right away...BUT i also see it as a chance for me to get totally screwed over in that he gets what he wants (contact with me yet still dating women) and I'm getting nothing but pain (not having a commitment from the man I love).

i love the idea of taking a break from this mess but i dont see how i can. I see him driving i see him at movies i see him and i know that hes loving life and it hurts. he told me in his email that hes out and hes partying and living it up and i'm sure he's dating.

i dunno. I know i should remain NC. now the first time i obviously told him...which is why in his email he was like i'm trying to leave you alone like you said....

and i dunno i think i may write that email about NC but i also think maybe i shouldnt. why do i always have to explain myself and he doesnt? you know.

i know for a fact that for now i am not replying...thats an answer within itself right...just like his answer to my text....no answer is the answer of "no"

May 25, 2011

youre right geegirl....i'm not ready and you're right i probably will be sad when he doesnt contact happy when he does..wondering when he doesnt...blah blah blah....VERY TRUE>

the only thing that is still making me think LC is that i'm scared....scared that if i delay too long he will move on completely....scared that i wont have my chance to redeem myself and show my true colors rather than the controlling, demanding, mean witch i was during our relationship...

i want the chance to lessen my own guilt....

May 25, 2011

Don't contact him. If he really wanted you back, he would have been at your doorstep. And if he really does want you back, a non-response to his e-mail is not going to deter him. Do you want him back or just talk to him? He's just trying to see if her has a hold you still....him wondering about you is good, trust me....contacting him will just ruin it if there IS a chance. Just live your life for now. If he wants you back, he will make it happen!!

May 25, 2011

If the guy wanted to be with you, he'd come for you. Nothing would stop him. If he wants to be with you, he's going to stick around, dig through this, figure out where you both are, give you the time and respect your need for NC knowing you are hurt so that you come back with more clarity to start fresh. He's going to give you that time so that he too can reap the rewards of a clearer and healthier you when you come back.

Nipping at his heels reminding him you are there and available is not going to change the fact as to whether he wants to be with you or not. If he chooses to move on, it's because he wants to move on from you

You're not going to redeem yourself in any way by going back in an emotional state. As you mentioned, your "controlling, demanding and mean witch" behaviors don't just go away overnight just because you've sat down for a few weeks sadly revisiting past events and now you're all healthy in that sense and ready to prove you are a changed person. You really need to work on yourself and that's not just sitting around and reflecting.

You can either heal and get back to him on a clean slate, and he'll be there if he wants you and if not, he's chosen for himself that he wants to be friends. By then, you'd be able to handle the situation, either way, better. Or you can involve yourself while you are still emotionally unhealthy and possibly ruin the chance of getting back together because you're going to be like a yoyo and behaviors are going to resurface when your emotions start to swirl because LC will drive you crazy and that may possibly turn him away, again.

At the end of the day, it's your decision to do NC or LC. Sometimes you have to do what feels right for you eventhough your gut is steering you the other way. I hope it works out for you.

Edited May 25, 2011 by geegirl

May 25, 2011

Don't contact him. If he really wanted you back, he would have been at your doorstep. And if he really does want you back, a non-response to his e-mail is not going to deter him. Do you want him back or just talk to him? He's just trying to see if her has a hold you still....him wondering about you is good, trust me....contacting him will just ruin it if there IS a chance. Just live your life for now. If he wants you back, he will make it happen!!

k so remain NC...and is it okay that i replied to his text to say yes i got his email? i mean in a way i know that had i not responded at all he would have been more freaked out....he was obviously like wtf that i didnt reply to his email hence the text verification

May 25, 2011

I'm not saying that I changed completely but I have had 3 months....so yes I have changed a lot. and no it wasnt just sitting back and reflecting...i'm a counselor so I went to therapy....and I have learned a lot read a lot and done a lot of changing. I still have a lot of changing to do.....

I am still emotional about all this and its still raw bc i'm not healed and not over it so yes it does seem like NC is my best bet.

and I'm scared that by the time I'm more collected and able to lets say hang out and not freak out about who he is texting...(i wouldn't do this in front of him but I would in my mind) I feel like he may have moved on....but yeah if thats the case then so be it.

I haven't decided yet what to do and i change my mind every second.

at least i got better though the usual me would have replied already! or better yet would have contacted first!! which i almost did when i saw his car....good thing i didnt

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Okay so do I keep NC or do LC?

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