Defeated Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Please bare with me, I'm going to keep this as short as possible and hope that I can gain some prespective from others who have experienced similar heartbreak because I simply don't know how I'm going to get through this. I lived with my partner of 6 years in rented accomodation. We had our up's and downs but as a whole, I would say that there was alot of happiness, love and understanding on both parts. He bought me a puppy for christmas 4 years ago and he knows how much our little family means to me and how I would reach above and beyond to make him happy. We decided to move back in with parents (seperately) so we could save up for a deposit on a mortgage and get our own place to start a family. The dog would stay at his but we would still take equal responsibility. I should mention at this point that we also worked together but in different job roles. He was my senior but this was never an issue. During and after 6 months of leaving our rented home together, the following events took place... *) We had started to search for our future home by booking slots with mortgage advisors and viewing properties with our estate agents *) He decided he wanted to enter bodybuilding competitions and started taking steroids (injects). I told him that if we were thinking of starting a family this is not such a good idea but also that I would support him up until the competition so long as he stopped taking them after that. *) I then fell pregnant and when I told him, he said he was happy. The following days he was different towards me, distant, withdrawn, detached and cold. Not so long after I suffered a miscarriage and when I told him it was like he could care less. I had to get my check up's etc on my own since he offered me no support whatsoever. *) Less than a week after the miscarriage - he told me that he didnt feel the same about me anymore and had been pretending in the hope that his feelings would eventually come back. *) None of this made sense. Before the miscarriage he had been so loving towards me, telling me how he wanted to start trying for a baby and how I was his rock. He even took me on a short break and when we came back, everyone at work was telling me how he never stopped talking about me and how much he loved me etc. *) I took some time off work to clear my head and try to make sense of his decision. I had kept my distance in the hope he would come to his senses. During the week I was off, I bumped into a female friend from work who took me to one side and explained that a couple of people had witnessed him locked in a room with a female colleague on 2 separate occasions. I decided to go up and confront him at work because I was really struggling to get closure without any real reasons. Of course he denied it and said that people were lying and gossiping to cause trouble for him, that they were "just friends" and he was helping her through a difficult time in her marriage!! (Cue the alarm bells). *) I then went home and could only take his word for it without proof but it just ate away at me so I decided to go back to work and confront her. When I got there - low and behold, they were locked away in this tiny room again having one of their "chats". I simply asked he in a very dignified way without causing a scene, if there was any truth in it. She acted like she was insulted and said how she couldnt believe how people could be so spiteful to spread such rumours. I later found out that days after he had dumped me - she too had left her husband and moved out of their marital home. I felt so trapped because he wasnt giving me the honesty or explanations I deserved and for the next 2 weeks I was in total shock, denial, whatever you can call it. *) I unexpectedly turned up at his lodge to get some of my belongings. He opened the door and blatently told me "you can't come in, someone is here" I asked who and he replied "lydia". (the very same woman who he was apparantly "just friend" with!) I went in and there she was bold as brass sitting on our bed with my dog on her lap telling me it's not what it looks like. How they had only just got together....words fail me as I see her bag of clothes and her favourite bottle of JD and coke by the side of the bed - obviously playing happy families with her feet well and truly under the table. I have no idea how but after me balling and screaming, I just left without harming a hair on her head. He later told me how he was relieved that I had miscarried our baby and that us breaking up was like a weight lifted from his shoulders. I have never felt so distraught in my life - like I was just a burden in his life. *) He had been telling everyone at work that we split ammicably even though he had now declared himself in a relationship with her and everyone could see it for what it was. People were disgusted with them and the fact that they had no shame in what they had done. After much deliberation, I decided that in the long run, it would be best for my own sanity and well being if I were to leave my job because I could'nt move on with my future while I still had one foot in the past. I handed in my resignation. He txt me telling me I was upset for the wrong reason and how he had not cheated on me and that he was sorry to hear I had handed in my resignation - he did not intend for any of this. This all happened in the beginning of Feb with all of these events happening from then up until the most recent contact from him which was one week ago. He called my house crying because he was moving our old stuff from storage and came across the baby clothes. He asked me to meet up with him because he had some things which should be said face to face. I found the strength to say no. I told him to take care and not to contact me again period. I just don't know how to recover from this. I have found the strength to go NC even though he has txt and emailed me (it's almost like he want's validation from me?) I have changed my number and am trying to keep a dignified silence and be the better person. Let their actions speak for themselves. This seems to be getting me nowhere though and I am absoloutley crushed. I know he has introduced her to his family and him to hers within weeks of this happening, and they seem to be supporting it. This is a bitter pill to swallow and although people keep telling me that I'm the better person, I can't help but feel that this is one lousy consolation prize. Surely this is not a normal way to behave after spending 6 years with someone who's shown you nothing but love support and loyalty?? In less than 4 months I have lost my partner, my job, a baby, my dog and my whole life as I knew it. It all seems so cruel and unjust. Please help me - I have lost my purpose.
washguy74 Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 First off, I'm really sorry. Your consolation prizes do suck. I ask you to not connect to a victim identity for too long. You need to heal yes, but there's no personal power in operating from that position. She is the new shiny toy. In 6 years will they be still going strong? I doubt it. But if they are, he'll be able to say your breakup was for the best. The challenge for you now is to create your life, your present, your future, in such a way that you will be able to agree with him. You mentioned steroids, and it seemed out of place. Do you think that affected his behavior, decision making? Or you think it was a signal he was bulking up, trolling for someone new? Or something else?
MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 you havent lost your purpose it just feels that way...truth is you haven't found your purpose yet...and it wasn't to be with him. Consider it a blessing to know all of this now rather than after having a family. I don't know how much it hurts to lose a would be child but I think in this case it was just not meant to be. He isnt the man you thought he is and he isn't going to become the man you want him to be. He shows his true colors and you need to open your eyes and see what's real. Take all of this and realize that now you have a chance to start fresh....figure out what makes you happy...what you want in life and heres your chance to do that...
D-Lish Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) I'm truly sorry for everything you are going through- what a jack ass your ex is. It sounds like a rebound relationship (not that is makes it sting any less knowing that). I suffered a miscarriage about 2 months ago, and my then boyfriend left me shortly afterward. We'd only been together just shy of 6 months and THAT hurt- so I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. A rebound affair is common in people that want to avoid dealing with reality, but trust me when I tell you, they can't avoid confronting it at some point. It sounds like your ex is already starting to have panicky feelings and perhaps some regrets if he's calling wanting to talk. I commend your strength in sticking to no contact- but I think you're doing the right thing. At some point you might want/need closure from him, but that meeting should be on your terms and your timeline if you ever choose to go there. After my divorce, I had a rocky couple of years, then I made a new purpose for myself. I started a new career, reconnected with old friends and made some new ones... That really helped. Are you working currently? Going back to school is also an option. It's time to create a new purpose. You have to participate in your own healing for it to happen. You can start with small goals and work your way up- baby steps. Stay strong, and keep talking it out- this forum can be a part of your healing, it has been for me and many others. (((hugs))) Edited May 25, 2011 by D-Lish
Author Defeated Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Thank you so much for the advice and kind words of encouragement. It has helped greatly to have an outsider’s perspective. @ washguy74 – you’re right, I don’t want to be the victim and I think that getting myself out of this mode will be half of the battle to recovery. I need to get my self esteem back and realize that all is not lost. Logically I know this, but every day when I wake up, I feel so defeated about everything and it’s so so hard to be positive about anything. Everything that I focused my energy on before and the things which motivated me in my life have now gone. I need to get past this. I totally agree with your comment about me needing to be in a place where I can agree with him. Although I will never agree with the way he decided to leave the relationship. I never detailed every incident that has happened since he made his choice because it would be too lengthy. To cut it short though, after he txt me several times over petty things like belongings and old clothes (which I had already told him to bin) I did not respond to anything and I did not react to any of the hurtful things he said. He then sent me a final txt stating that he had been lying to me for a very long time and that he’d had feelings for “someone else” for almost a year. Although this devastated me and left me with more questions – I decided best not to respond. Weeks later he sent me an email saying that he had made this up so I would hate him and move on, which in turn would ease his guilt. My point being is that his story and reasons are changing constantly and I swear this is without me instigating anything. I just don’t get ANYTHING about the whole situation, and to be quite honest – neither does any of my friends or family. No one can fathom him out. One of the main reasons why I’m staying strong with NC is because I don’t trust his intentions – I fear that he is just trying to head fu*k me and regain some kind of control. Does this make sense? I understand it will be hard for you guys to make clear judgments because it’s like a never ending web but I really do appreciate all of your advice! I think that the steroids may have had an effect on his decision making and he was definitely having mood swings which he admitted. It was a rapid change in his attitude towards me, almost like he had switched off his feelings instantly. Several people at work had also complained about his attitude and some of his friends have commented that he has changed. I am not trying to find a scapegoat for any of this; I’m simply trying to explore all possibilities so I can find closure. Deep down, I know the only closure I can get is from within. @ myhearthurtsouch – thank you for your encouragement. It’s hard to see things for what they are when your head and your heart are fighting against each other. And finally, to D-Lish. You’re words touched me because there was so much truth behind what you said. I have not managed to find work since I left my other job and this is having an impact not only financially but also with the amount of time I have on my hands to think and dwell on things. Suppose it’s all part of the process. Thanks so much guys
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