Is being involved in an affair humiliating?

May 24, 2011

I'm really curious, if now you are out, if you look back at things and think of how humilating it is now.

Like did you ever have to duck down in his car so no one saw you?

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife?

Did you ever jump up for that 6 am booty call because he asked you to?

Did you ever have sex in his family home?

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him?

Did you ever help shop for a present for his wife?

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavor out of character and humiliating?

May 24, 2011

You crack me up gg, it's like you're waiting for your next fix of Days of our Lives or something!

May 24, 2011

You crack me up gg, it's like you're waiting for your next fix of Days of our Lives or something!

It's all about understanding. I really try to get this whole affair dynamic and it just astounds me. I would just find it humiliating.

You have told me no not at all but you are still with your man.

I'm curious as to peoples takes on it who have escaped.

May 24, 2011

Nah, she's just reading at another site and bringing the list she read over here.

I was more ashamed of my own actions then of anything that my XMM asked me to do. He was actually pretty tame in his behavior - very practical and down to earth. I was the one who was more imaginative or flighty.

May 24, 2011

I can imagine if one is in a situation, for example, where they overlooked lies at the beginning, even though they knew of them, and began a R with someone who has a history of multiple A's and then gets cheated on subsequently, that would be one VERY humiliating experience.

Or say someone is in an A and waits for years and years and years and the MP NEVER leaves their spouse, that would probably be humiliating.

If it's a situation where someone gets involved with a MM/MW but the MP very quickly leaves their M and continues the R with their AP which turns out to be very successful, there would most likely not be any humiliation involved.

May 24, 2011

haha, I'm sorry GG, but most of these questions sound pretty silly...but I'll answer.

I'm really curious, if now you are out, if you look back at things and think of how humilating it is now.

Like did you ever have to duck down in his car so no one saw you? haha, NO!! He would pick me up and drive me normally in his car and take me out.
There were times we met there, but that had nothing to do with being ashamed of having me in his car. It was mainly because we were both going to a restaurant/ lounge after work and we both had our own cars.

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife? No, never met her, never saw her, that never came up.

Did you ever jump up for that 6 am booty call because he asked you to? haha, Hell NO!! I only let him come to my place once, & I didn't have intercourse with him then, or ever.

Did you ever have sex in his family home? No, see above..

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him? HELL NO!!

Did you ever help shop for a present for his wife? xMM may be a lot of things, but he's not that stupid.

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavor out of character and humiliating?

The A was never humiliating for me.

xMM never made me feel like a dirty little secret that had to be hidden.

I never lied about the situation I was in, my friends and family knew of it - and that brought on a lot of tough love and things I may not want to hear, but I never ever lied about what was going on.

I never hid, I never did any of that ridiculous stuff you think APs do.

Maybe some do, some don't though.

The A was mainly devastating and hurtful, but it really wasn't humiliating.

I felt guilt and a lot of sadness, but not like a secret he was ashamed of being seen with.

May 24, 2011

It's all about understanding. I really try to get this whole affair dynamic and it just astounds me. I would just find it humiliating.

You have told me no not at all but you are still with your man.

I'm curious as to peoples takes on it who have escaped.

We split up though gg, and not once did I find it humiliating. I didn't resent or blame. I loved him and felt it was so sad it hadn't worked out. It was a beautiful experience, genuinely.

However, I know it's not like that in a great many cases. I've never claimed to be the rule.

May 24, 2011

Nah, she's just reading at another site and bringing the list she read over here.

:laugh:

Just reading?

May 24, 2011

I'm really curious, if now you are out, if you look back at things and think of how humilating it is now.

Like did you ever have to duck down in his car so no one saw you?

No, of course not!

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife?

No. He and I were a public couple, not he and her.

Did you ever jump up for that 6 am booty call because he asked you to?

No, he would never have treated me that way! I wasn't a "booty call".

Did you ever have sex in his family home?

Yes. Still do, every day.

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him?

Of course not! We were an open couple.

Did you ever help shop for a present for his wife?

Never! He didn't buy her presents. He'd simply have to pay for presents she'd picked out for herself.

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavor out of character and humiliating?

Of course not! It was empowering, educational, liberating, and brought me and others the greatest happiness. What could possibly be humiliating about that?

May 24, 2011

:laugh:

Just reading?

LOL!! I dunno - maybe she's posting, too? Looks like she's a BS here; they aren't too welcome over there!

May 24, 2011

greengoddess,

As a general feeling about affairs after the fact, I never felt humiliated about my decisions or feelings at the time because I followed what I believed in my heart was the possibility of finally being with someone I meshed with so well even though it was fantasy until we met each other in person.

The fantasy became a reality within moments of meeting and all the twelve months of building the friendship, the connection, communication...it felt like it was the right thing and things I believed pointed to a possible future with xMW.

Now I guess what I feel is more indifference in the end, I can't change my past and I leave it behind where it once was, a glimpse of a future I could have had but in the end realize it may have just been a glimpse of the type of single woman that's for me to find one day, who is not attached to anyone but herself and free to love without restraint.

-FC

May 24, 2011

I don't feel humilitated because I own my actions. Yes I was involved in an affair, yes I loved xMM, yes I wanted us to work out. When things got too messy I walked away. I have experienced pain & have helped to cause pain & that is in my past. All I can do is forgive myself & move on, like anyone else. We're all human & have to find our own paths our own way.

May 24, 2011

If there are people doing these things they arent posting. Well I remember one poster who used to have booty calls but I certainly never did.

I'm really curious, if now you are out, if you look back at things and think of how humilating it is now. Not at all.

Like did you ever have to duck down in his car so no one saw you? No he used to introduce me to anyone we saw that he knew when we were out together.

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife? Only after it was over and I was not impressed with her behavior, at all.

Did you ever jump up for that 6 am booty call because he asked you to? Not one booty call ever not even once.

Did you ever have sex in his family home? Not their primary family home and not in her bedroom, never used her bathroom was very respectful of "her" things. And no I didnt find it humiliating. I spent far more time there than she did. I stayed there several nights a week and she was there once every few weeks so while we were together it was more my pied a terre than hers.

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him? Never see above he always introduced me to everybody. He was a great boyfriend. He managed his dual roles well. She was happy for him to have a girlfriend and he was a great boyfriend.

Did you ever help shop for a present for his wife? Never

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavor out of character and humiliating?

Perhaps people who actually had to put up with that sort of thing are too embarrassed to answer the question, but but I would never have put myself in a position where I had to put up with anything remotely like what you have described.

May 24, 2011

I find your questions odd GG and after getting the gist of it, I refuse to read them in depth because the questions are humiliating nor will I respond other than to say that yes during the time I was knowingly in the affair it was humiliating to be 2nd and not front and center in the persons life that I loved. That is one of many reasons I walked.

May 24, 2011

It's all about understanding. I really try to get this whole affair dynamic and it just astounds me. I would just find it humiliating.

You have told me no not at all but you are still with your man.

I'm curious as to peoples takes on it who have escaped.

Why is it so interesting to you gg? How have you been touched by infidelity or have you?

Since........you have no problem asking VERY pointed questions don't you think it only fair that you should share a bit???

May 24, 2011

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife?

I don't want to imagine this, but the opportunity will surely present itself since we are around the same social group.

Did you ever have sex in his family home?

We kissed.

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him?

Not yet.

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavor out of character and humiliating?

Looking back, i do find my behavior out of character. My situation is a little different, but it's both humiliating and a deep feeling of shame. I don't ever want to see anyone I know out, since they all know of the A I was involved in.

May 24, 2011

I'm really curious, if now you are out, if you look back at things and think of how humiliating it is now. Still in the A but…

Like did you ever have to duck down in his car so no one saw you? When we use to travel a lot in his work vehicle, I did have to duck down on occasion. Normally, I’d sit in the backseat so I’d just kinda lounge back there, but never when we travel in his car.

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife? No, but I actually would like to observe him without his knowledge and see how he interacts with her when their out. I just think its different then how I hear him interact with her on the phone, which seems pretty harsh.

Did you ever jump up for that 6 am booty call because he asked you to? Not quite that early, but plenty of times.

Did you ever have sex in his family home? Lots of times. MM joked (I think it was joke) that if W ever came home, I’m to hide in his closet until he can sneak me out. I’d find that kinda humiliating.

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him? No, but he did invite me out with him and the kids where we could sit next to each, but have to pretend not to know each other.

Did you ever help shop for a present for his wife? No, but I have advised.

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavior out of character and humiliating? I’ve never felt humiliated because of or in the A. I’ve felt other things, but not humiliated. As for out-of-character, I’m not sure it’s so far out.

May 24, 2011

I used to feel humiliated every time she would go back to her home/husband after sleeping with me ! It killed me each-time !

I used to feel humiliated when he used to call her and she would pick up while she was with me and lie to him.

At the end both her H and I were humiliated.

May 24, 2011

I used to feel humiliated every time she would go back to her home/husband after sleeping with me ! It killed me each-time !
I used to feel humiliated when he used to call her and she would pick up while she was with me and lie to him.

At the end both her H and I were humiliated.

OMG East we are always on the same page...I agree with you totally.

I do remember a instance when xMW met for coffee in the morning before her work. I was taking her back to her office and we were driving down the street when she saw her co-worker. At the time she was holding my hand and when we drove by and she she immediately pulled her hand. I drive a SUV and it stands kinda tall and where are hands were there is no way anyone could have seen our hands holding. FML

May 25, 2011

I'm sorry if I disagree with many who have posted here....but I think this is an excellent question!

I, who have never had an affair, have not judged those who have. Yet, I wonder all the questions GG posed here....

I came to LS trying to understand the mindset of those who engage in an relationship with a committed partner.

I still try to understand certain aspects of it. I think these are excellent questions, one most would wonder if they had never had an affair.

I appreciate both the thread and the honest answers.

Some have felt humiliated, some have not.

May 25, 2011

I used to feel humiliated every time she would go back to her home/husband after sleeping with me ! It killed me each-time !
I used to feel humiliated when he used to call her and she would pick up while she was with me and lie to him.

At the end both her H and I were humiliated.

I, the faithful spouse, was sooooooo humiliated! How could I not know? Was I stupid? Blind? Too trusting? Yes, to all of the above.

So, East, do you think this is something you only realize in hind sight?

Did you feel this way during the affair? Or did you deny, justify, or compartmentlize it?

Confused, please answer too, if you want to.

May 25, 2011

It is quite rude and its intent is to cause hurt and humiliation.

The cliches contained within it are pretty unimaginative and recycled.

I agree that the questions seemed rude and cliched. I guess it is up to each OW to reply (or not reply) as she sees fit.

Would an OW go to the infidelity forum and pose this question:

How humiliating is it to find out your husband has been having an affair?

And then pose a bunch of cliche questions related to the question?

Oh they do. They are usually worded as, "Why does the BW take their cheating H back?"

Like you, I am usually reluctant to reply because I'm not sure of the motive.

Knocking the OW will not give the betrayed their H back.

No one can figure out what is in another's head. And everyone is individual. It is a wild goose chase.

I agree!

Focus on your H and your M and forget the 3rd party. The betrayed will never understand, nor should they.

I agree that the focus should be on the spouse and the marriage. But many betrayed spouses admit to being curious about the OW. The OW is often curious about the wife-as seen by all the posts about the state of the MM's marriage and what the wife is doing or not doing.

As to the bolded part above...

But why should the betrayed never understand?

I agree though, the opening post seemed a bit off.

May 25, 2011

It is quite rude and its intent is to cause hurt and humiliation.

The cliches contained within it are pretty unimaginative and recycled.

Would an OW go to the infidelity forum and pose this question:

How humiliating is it to find out your husband has been having an affair?

And then pose a bunch of cliche questions related to the question?

Knocking the OW will not give the betrayed their H back.

No one can figure out what is in another's head. And everyone is individual. It is a wild goose chase.

Focus on your H and your M and forget the 3rd party. The betrayed will never understand, nor should they.

I would happily answer each and every one in the hopes one person learns of how humiliating it can be to be a BS. Ask away.

I am here to learn. I appreciate and applaud those who can be honest, as brutally honest, as I have been ihere on my long road to healing.

I do not believe the questions are cliched. One of my employees had an affair with a MM, and unfortunately, I think she would have answered yes to all of the above.

If you do not like the thread, you do not have to post.

May 25, 2011

I'm really curious, if now you are out, if you look back at things and think of how humilating it is now.

Like did you ever have to duck down in his car so no one saw you?

No. He was separated the first year and when he returned to his marital home, he either came to my house, we went out of town and he never seemed ashamed to be seen with me

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife?

No. Never happened and we all lived in the same town.

Did you ever jump up for that 6 am booty call because he asked you to?

Never. I would have felt like a loser / skank had that ever happened and I never would have continued seeing someone who treated me that way

Did you ever have sex in his family home?

Nope. Never went inside the home he shared with his wife. No desire or need to see their home.

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him?

Nope

Did you ever help shop for a present for his wife?

Eww. No!

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavor out of character and humiliating?

Being with a MM is not something I am proud of nor do I find my actions something to be proud of.

I also do not believe a married person can date or be the boyfriend of someone else. It is an affair and the married person is someone's spouse, not the affair persons BF

May 25, 2011

I'm really curious, if now you are out, if you look back at things and think of how humilating it is now.

Like did you ever have to duck down in his car so no one saw you?

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife?

Did you ever jump up for that 6 am booty call because he asked you to?

Did you ever have sex in his family home?

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him?

Did you ever help shop for a present for his wife?

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavor out of character and humiliating?

No to all of the above.

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Is being involved in an affair humiliating?

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