Sugarkane Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 How do you know when you're ready to move in with someone?
Eeyore79 Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 It depends on a variety of factors. Someone who's had a live-in relationship before might feel more comfortable moving in with someone else, or they might be put off because the previous live-in relationship turned out badly. Someone might have to wait until their current rent contract expires, or they might not have enough money to move out of their current place and move in with a partner. An older person might feel more comfortable about jumping into a serious relationship than a young one does, or the older person might be set in their ways and less likely to change their living arrangements for a relationship. There's no right or wrong answer. You have to assess your relationship and your own feelings about moving in together, and decide when you're ready. Ideally I think you should love and trust the person, and should foresee some sort of future together before you make a commitment like moving in.
Velociraptor Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 You don't move in together until you are married.
Rinnix Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Eeyore79 is spot on. I moved in with my boyfriend after two years.
ASG Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 You don't move in together until you are married. Seriously?? In this day and age?? Seriously?? I'e known people who'e moving in together after a couple of months, others after a couple of years, others don't really plan to and other took about 10 ou more years to make that decision even though they had the possibility for years before that. It depends on what you and your partner want. I would NOT wait to get married to move in with someone.
skirt swoosh Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Seriously?? In this day and age?? Seriously??The timestamp changed. People didn't. The studies don't lie. People who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce. Besides that most don't start getting serious about a relationship until after the I do's like a switch was flipped in their heads. All of it is silly but these are the brass tacks. If you want to live with him or her then put a ring on it.
Jynxx Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 The timestamp changed. People didn't. The studies don't lie. People who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce. Besides that most don't start getting serious about a relationship until after the I do's like a switch was flipped in their heads. All of it is silly but these are the brass tacks. If you want to live with him or her then put a ring on it. Do you realise a correlation between not living together before marriage and staying married longer does not mean one is the result of the other? People not living together before marriage will more likely be religious types, who tend to not divorce as often. If you take 2 random couples from the street, force 1 to live together and the other to live apart until marriage, the one that lived apart is not likely to stay married for longer. Quite the contrary imo, since those living apart will be in for surprises, some unpleasant, and that will put the marriage under alot of stress.
ASG Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Do you realise a correlation between not living together before marriage and staying married longer does not mean one is the result of the other? People not living together before marriage will more likely be religious types, who tend to not divorce as often. If you take 2 random couples from the street, force 1 to live together and the other to live apart until marriage, the one that lived apart is not likely to stay married for longer. Quite the contrary imo, since those living apart will be in for surprises, some unpleasant, and that will put the marriage under alot of stress. This. Also, after reading you post, skirt swoosh, I googled the statistics. There's a 1% difference! Which, in statistic terms, is NOTHING! So no, people don't tend to get divorced because they move in together before they get married. People get divorced because they grow appart. And, as Jynxx said, those waiting to be married before moving in together are probably more religious and tend to not divorce as much, because marriage is for life... And so they stay together, sometimes not even talking to each other, while living in the same house! (I know a few cases).
ASG Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I honestly feel more and more like an alien on these boards. Lots of people don't get married because they don't feel it's necessary. As you said, it can't be different than NOT being married. And in reality, it isn't. The only thing it does is cost more money. Commitment has NOTHING to do with signing a paper. I do want to get married though. Not because of what it means, but because of the PARTYYYYY. But big parties cost big bucks. And not everyone can do it. I know several couples that had to wait a few years to be able to get married due to lack of funds. Also, people feeling trapped, would feel trapped either way, having moed in together before the marriage or not. Waiting to get married does not equip you better to deal with theses things!
aboheleven Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 ok first off -- i lived with my ex. we moved really quickly and moved in after 3 months or so, we were both in our mid 20's. But honestly I would never live with a man before being engaged/married again. Even though we lived togehter almost 2 years -- it took the urgency of marriage away, and as a woman i felt taken for granted. We both lived in NYC so it made financial sense to live together (rent is SO EXPENSIVE here, so splitting an apartment was much easier). But personally I'll never do it again. The timeframe is personal, the decision is personal. I think it's good to know what you're getting into (if someone is a slob or doesn't pick up after themselves or expects certain things, etc) but it's a choice a person has to make for each situation.
Knittress Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Seriously?? In this day and age?? Seriously?? Waiting until marriage to live together might not necessarily be a moral judgment against premarital relations. I've done it and I don't think I'd be willing to do it again unless I was at least engaged with a set date. This is because in my experience, living together without a commitment is emotionally and financially like being married, but without any of the protections and social acceptance of being married. When my ex left, took everything, and ripped my world open - not only did I no longer have a clock on the wall to tell me what time it was, but I didn't even feel allowed to go batsh*t over his leaving because 'we were just dating.'
Jazzari Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I agree with the "until you're married" crowd.Ditto on that. I don't mind if other people choose to, but it's not for me.
carhill Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 How do you know when you're ready to move in with someone? For myself, at my age, it would be at the point where we mutually wished to formalize our relationship with a legal partnership agreement or marriage proposal. Prior, I would only consider cohabiting if married, and did such, but, as one gets older, one gets more flexible. Every person and every relationship is different. In another thread, a young lady moved in with her dating partner of a month, later lamenting that choice, posting a thread on it, and spawning the voluminous 'are there any single old-fashioned men out there' thread running right now. So, for her, even though the 'magnetic chemistry' impelled cohabiting, evidently, long-term, it was a choice she's reconsidering. You'll see a lot of anecdotes, on all sides, like that. If a certain path speaks to you, walk it. Learn from it. Good luck
Confusedalways Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Personally I think any time after 1 yr is good enough if you're the type of person who wants to live with someone prior to marriage. I plan to move in with my boyfriend when the circumstances deem it necessary-- we are both planning to move several hundred miles away, where neither of us know anyone, and therefore it is only sound [in my mind] that we move in together. At the time which I predict this will happen, we will have been dating for about 2 years. I personally think it would be silly to not live together prior to marriage, but I'd be willing to compromise and not if my SO wanted to. However, my BF is adamant about living with someone prior to engagement, so that is what we will do in the above described scenario
ASG Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Waiting until marriage to live together might not necessarily be a moral judgment against premarital relations. I've done it and I don't think I'd be willing to do it again unless I was at least engaged with a set date. This is because in my experience, living together without a commitment is emotionally and financially like being married, but without any of the protections and social acceptance of being married. When my ex left, took everything, and ripped my world open - not only did I no longer have a clock on the wall to tell me what time it was, but I didn't even feel allowed to go batsh*t over his leaving because 'we were just dating.' I guess for me this is where it is different. For me, after you've moved in together, you are, for all intents and purposes, married. After 2 or 3 years you're legally in a partnership, for tax purposes. How is that different from being married? My mom and step dad lived together for a few years before they got married and always introduced each other as husband/wife, not Bf/gf. Same with my aunt, who's been living with her "husband" for over 10 years now. Not married legally, but very much so in every other way. My cousin, also lives with his "wife". Also not married. They have a child together. These are just some example very close to me that I see as a marriage, even though they've not signed a paper. So I guess that's where the difference is. I wouldn't "just be dating" a live-in boyfriend. I would take that as at least a *very* serious relationship. So I would very much feel entitled to go batsh*t crazy if he left!
Author Sugarkane Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I'm just curious as I've never lived with a boyfriend before and wanted to know what others opinions are. Its interesting that people on here who have lived with a gf/bf before, wouldn't do it again unless they're married or engaged. I was seeing someone over the summer and is pressuring me to move in with him. With the added challenge of being interstate and 1 hour plane trip away. I don't even feel "in love" with him yet: www.loveshack.org/forums/t268861
jkl6158 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I lived with my ex for a year after being together 3 years. While things didn't work out, I'd definitely live with someone in the future before getting engaged/married because I think it's important to see how you deal with each other on a day to day basis when things become routine. I don't regret that year one bit, and I think I learned a lot from it. Little habits that seem just slightly annoying before you lived together may become extremely annoying when you see that person constantly. How cleanly are they, how do they handle finances, etc? Basically you find out if you are compatible to live together the rest of your lives before jumping into that heavy commitment. Of course I'd never live with someone that I didn't think I would eventually marry (I thought my ex and I would) as the breaking up part is very hard complicated when you live together, but better to find out you are incompatible before getting married than after you sign those papers!
oldguy Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) I lived with my ex for a year after being together 3 years. While things didn't work out, I'd definitely live with someone in the future before getting engaged/married because I think it's important to see how you deal with each other on a day to day basis when things become routine. I don't regret that year one bit, and I think I learned a lot from it. Little habits that seem just slightly annoying before you lived together may become extremely annoying when you see that person constantly. How cleanly are they, how do they handle finances, etc? Basically you find out if you are compatible to live together the rest of your lives before jumping into that heavy commitment. Of course I'd never live with someone that I didn't think I would eventually marry (I thought my ex and I would) as the breaking up part is very hard complicated when you live together, but better to find out you are incompatible before getting married than after you sign those papers! A lot of people get married and live together for years before they divorce, so the living together to see if your compatible doesn't hold water. Also, cohabitational law differs greatly from state to state & even some of those laws amount to little more than myths. My point is; don't assume. As an example; if you co-own property and you SO where to die. Their next RELATIVE may have legal rights to their portion of the property. Wills that favor SO can be successfully challenged. Not so much with a legal spouse. I'm not weighing in for or against marriage I just think people shouldn't assume it's an outdated, impractical and non-essential social dinosaur. Edited May 25, 2011 by oldguy
Skump Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) Living together before marriage is a sh*tty arrangement that accomplishes exactly the opposite of its billing: It adds artificial support to bad relationships that would've petered out had the lovers been kept at a greater distance. The first issue should be obvious: Living together adds immediate momentum to any relationship, making a hasty marriage more likely. But there's a passive flip side to that problem as well. Once you have all of your junk in someone else's apartment, sheer inertia encourages marriage. "Well, I guess things are going... okay... and I'm settled here... and... I'm not getting younger and..." I'm also receptive to the nut-up-or-shut-up argument from the female perspective: If I were a babe, and some manchild wanted to play house with me, I'd tell him to grow a sack and either commit to marriage or take a hike. I mean, seriously, WTF does wanting to just "cohabitate" say about his feelings for me? "Yeah babe I'm like, really into you and stuff but, uh, um, I'm not like, uh, *sold* yet you know? I gotta... uh... see how you pack your sh*t in cubbards and where you keep your panties before you wash them and... you know, deep sh*t like that." Ha. Ha. No. 99% of the time, a guy who just wants to "live with you" just wants easier access to your ass. Virtually any guy who is head over heels for a girl will readily accept the demand of no cohabitation before marriage. I wish I had a Benjamin for every dude I've known who "refused" to marry a girl before living with her, went through a string of worthless live-in arrangements, and then went to mush in the hands of some higher-class dame who told his ass it was going to be different with her. Each one just nodded along like a puppy on Valium. Edited May 25, 2011 by Skump
FlowerGirly Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 How do you know when you're ready to move in with someone? I think it depends on the couple involved. My own personal situation, we moved in after 6 months together. Things are going great. You need to make that decision based on your own situation and beliefs. Don't worry about what other people think. I had people right and left telling me they thought it was too soon, but I don't care, I'm gonna do what I wanna do.
FlowerGirly Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 You don't move in together until you are married. This outlook is very old school. Not everyone has that belief anymore and some people say living together is a great way to know the person and if you want to spend forever with them.
FlowerGirly Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 The timestamp changed. People didn't. The studies don't lie. People who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce. Besides that most don't start getting serious about a relationship until after the I do's like a switch was flipped in their heads. All of it is silly but these are the brass tacks. If you want to live with him or her then put a ring on it. I actually read a few studies that say not living together before marriage is more favorable to end in divorce. I think people in their 40s-50s think this way more often
O'Malley Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I was seeing someone over the summer and is pressuring me to move in with him. With the added challenge of being interstate and 1 hour plane trip away. I don't even feel "in love" with him yet: www.loveshack.org/forums/t268861 It's a red flag in regards to the ultimatum he's given you about the relationship overall. It seems like you're trying to find reasons to ignore your hesitation about this. What do you feel is healthiest for you, at this point in your life? Neither your feelings nor this relationship itself sounds secure. I'm not personally interested in cohabitation or marriage, but if I was inclined to live with my boyfriend I would want to be completely certain that my he shared my views -- on marriage, children, finances-- and was willing to discuss them with regard to a realistic timeframe and without my having to always bring the subject up. No "We'll get married/have kids someday". Keeping your own separate residences, and spending a significant amount time at each other's homes until you're both on the same level seems a better idea than the idea moving in with a "let's see where this goes," approach.
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