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Boyfriend, his ex, her parents and "their daughter" on a trip together???

JessArt85

By JessArt85
in The Other Man / Woman

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carrie999 Established Member

carrie999

Posted
Posted
I feel upset by this situation, but at the same time I don't feel I maybe have the right to or how to make it "ok" in my mind.

 

So onto the relationship: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. Everything is great, we are open, honest, in love and extremely dedicated to one another. My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend because he has a "daughter" with her. Now why the quotes? Well because the daughter is technically not his but he was with his ex when the daughter was a baby and they were together for 3 years, so he grew up with this girl. Now I have met the daughter and I am (somewhat, but not 100%) ok with the situation of him having a daughter that isn't his, and he helps his ex with money if she needs it for his daughter. Moving on to my real issue here...

 

The real issue; the reason I am writing this post is a situation that is coming up. My boyfriend is going to be leaving on a trip with his ex, his daughter and his ex's parents. They will be gone for 5 days. The reason for the trip is that his daughter has to have some heart surgery which can only be performed by a specialist so they have to go. Ok, I get that, but why does he have to go with? I feel like he is holding on trying to be a part of that family which he is not a part of. Yes he is "daddy" to the girl, but what is he to the ex and her parents?? :o They all will be spending a lot of close time together. They are driving to the destination and ALL of them will be sharing a hotel room together. I really feel unconfortable with all of the situation, but dont want to seem selfish or too needy either. How can I express my concern of him being with his ex and family for so long?

 

It sounds like she IS his daughter, regardless of genetic ties. The child he has been raising is having major surgery, and it is absolutely appropriate that he is there. I understand your insecurity, but it is unfounded and unfair in this situation. You got involved with him knowing that he is invested in his daughter, and while I understand your apprehension, you have to put yourself aside. Biological relations or not, he identifies himself as her parent, and that comes first. If he's half the man you think he is (and someone you can envision marrying and having a family with) you will understand that she MUST come first.

 

If there's something more between him and his ex, that's another issue. But this specific issue is one that you need to learn to handle, or find someone else with no commitments.

26pointblue Established Member

26pointblue

Posted
Posted

I don't have a boyfriend [yet. I'm a recently former OW.] But I would not accept my boyfriend going on a trip with his ex. I'm not saying it's not okay for him to be involved as the child's father. It is a good thing that he is considering himself her father-- good for him. He should remain in her life but as her mother's ex, and going on a trip is something that couples do together, not exes. There is no need for them to go on a trip like they are still a family when they're not. That is confusing to every one, including the child. I think you have every right to be upset and I think that this is a big red flag for you to look at as to just how 'involved' he is with his ex. I'm a bit surprised that some posters have been saying otherwise. :confused: Under what circumstances did they break up? Are you sure they really broke up? Be careful! I think something is rotten in Denmark.

ladyinlimbo Established Member

ladyinlimbo

Posted
Posted (edited)
I don't have a boyfriend [yet. I'm a recently former OW.] But I would not accept my boyfriend going on a trip with his ex. I'm not saying it's not okay for him to be involved as the child's father. It is a good thing that he is considering himself her father-- good for him. He should remain in her life but as her mother's ex, and going on a trip is something that couples do together, not exes. There is no need for them to go on a trip like they are still a family when they're not. That is confusing to every one, including the child. I think you have every right to be upset and I think that this is a big red flag for you to look at as to just how 'involved' he is with his ex. I'm a bit surprised that some posters have been saying otherwise. :confused: Under what circumstances did they break up? Are you sure they really broke up? Be careful! I think something is rotten in Denmark.

 

It's his step-daughter, for crying out loud. She's been in his life since she was a wee baby, and he's been the only Daddy she's known. The poor little one is undergoing a risky heart surgery/procedure...not a trip to Disneyland. He no doubt loves her greatly for she HAS been a daughter to him. He'd be heartless if he didn't care about being there for her. What if there are complications and her heart stops and they can't start it again and she dies?

 

How is it confusing to the child? The child doesn't know that he's not her biological Dad, he's the only Dad she's ever known. That being said, this situation is no different than 2 parents splitting up but still coming together when needed for the children.......um, like in the case where the child is sick or undergoing surgery. If this was his own biological child would you have such an issue?

 

The important thing here is the child...............bottom line. That is all that anyone should be focusing on. Children don't undergo heart surgery unless there are significant problems and surgery is the last option.

 

What would likely be confusing to the child is for her to wonder where Daddy is. This little one needs as many loved ones with her when she goes through this; it's extremely stressful and scary for little ones to go to a hospital, it's terrifying for most of them. The more loved ones around her, the better.

 

By the way, this isn't a "trip" as most would consider a trip. This is an out of town medical appointment for heart surgery. This isn't a pleasure trip. I'm sure that all involved are very stressed and worried for this little one.

Edited by ladyinlimbo
26pointblue Established Member

26pointblue

Posted
Posted

I apologize for responding too hastily. I didn't read your post carefully enough to see the reason for the trip. I do think this is a powerful reason.

 

Maybe you are right to have reservations that is trying to stay apart of a family that he's not truly apart of. Idk. I think it's honorable he is trying to be the child's father but he is not her father unless he's adopted her [sorry if I have missed some other crucial fact . . . I didn't see it.] I think that when people date for three years & then go their separate ways then usually the child stays with its natural parent & may have some kind of a bond with the person leaving & may keep in touch but, I don't really understand this type of situation you describe. I guess if he is keeping the child in his life as his child without it actually being legally or blood-related his child then you have to decide if you are okay with that. I understand how it can be a tricky situation. I mean it would bother me too. I think if you love each other & are both being honest then you can deal with it. I don't think it's wrong of you to be bothered by it but if you understand that he truly views this as his child & doesn't want anything more to do with the child's mother, only with you, then, you need to find a way to accept that if you want to stay with him. I wish you the best. Sorry that I was confused in my first answer. I am out of it tonight- time to hit the sack! :laugh:

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I don't have a boyfriend [yet. I'm a recently former OW.] But I would not accept my boyfriend going on a trip with his ex. I'm not saying it's not okay for him to be involved as the child's father. It is a good thing that he is considering himself her father-- good for him. He should remain in her life but as her mother's ex, and going on a trip is something that couples do together, not exes. There is no need for them to go on a trip like they are still a family when they're not. That is confusing to every one, including the child. I think you have every right to be upset and I think that this is a big red flag for you to look at as to just how 'involved' he is with his ex. I'm a bit surprised that some posters have been saying otherwise. :confused: Under what circumstances did they break up? Are you sure they really broke up? Be careful! I think something is rotten in Denmark.

 

This isn't a "trip or a holiday." They, as in the girls mom, dad and grandparents are going away to another City so the daughter can have heart surgery! It isn't a fun in the sun get away! Under these circumstances it's completely different!

26pointblue Established Member

26pointblue

Posted
Posted
It's his step-daughter, for crying out loud. She's been in his life since she was a wee baby, and he's been the only Daddy she's known. The poor little one is undergoing a risky heart surgery/procedure...not a trip to Disneyland. He no doubt loves her greatly for she HAS been a daughter to him. He'd be heartless if he didn't care about being there for her. What if there are complications and her heart stops and they can't start it again and she dies?

 

How is it confusing to the child? The child doesn't know that he's not her biological Dad, he's the only Dad she's ever known. That being said, this situation is no different than 2 parents splitting up but still coming together when needed for the children.......um, like in the case where the child is sick or undergoing surgery. If this was his own biological child would you have such an issue?

 

The important thing here is the child...............bottom line. That is all that anyone should be focusing on. Children don't undergo heart surgery unless there are significant problems and surgery is the last option.

 

What would likely be confusing to the child is for her to wonder where Daddy is. This little one needs as many loved ones with her when she goes through this; it's extremely stressful and scary for little ones to go to a hospital, it's terrifying for most of them. The more loved ones around her, the better.

 

By the way, this isn't a "trip" as most would consider a trip. This is an out of town medical appointment for heart surgery. This isn't a pleasure trip. I'm sure that all involved are very stressed and worried for this little one.

 

Okay LadyinLimbo & WWIU, I apologize for my denseness, I get it now! When she wrote a 'trip' I was lazy & stopped reading. I agree this isn't a 'trip' as in a vacation. !!! Sorry. :o

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

It's after 1am, I just read your other response..I should have finishd reading before hitting enter! Sorry 'bout that..:)

MorningCoffee Established Member

MorningCoffee

Posted
Posted (edited)

This.

 

This is a conversation you need to have with him later on, once they are back from this medical trip and his daughter is on the mend. Now is not the time to question his loyality to you or how close he is with his ex.

 

They are friends, that is obvious. Either it truly is just a friendship now or it isn't. Again, that isn't something to talk about with him right now due to the circumstances..If anything, it'll make him probably question how you could worry about this and not be so concerned with the health of his daughter and her heart surgery.

 

Agreed. Good post. Especially as men have a "protector" gene that kicks in at times like these, to raise your doubts just now would not be good timing to have clear and open communication. A guy could perceive it as not appreciating that he is stepping up and fulfilling a quintessential role.

Edited by MorningCoffee
SidLyon Established Member

SidLyon

Posted
Posted
I feel upset by this situation, but at the same time I don't feel I maybe have the right to or how to make it "ok" in my mind.

 

So onto the relationship: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. Everything is great, we are open, honest, in love and extremely dedicated to one another. My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend because he has a "daughter" with her. Now why the quotes? Well because the daughter is technically not his but he was with his ex when the daughter was a baby and they were together for 3 years, so he grew up with this girl. Now I have met the daughter and I am (somewhat, but not 100%) ok with the situation of him having a daughter that isn't his, and he helps his ex with money if she needs it for his daughter. Moving on to my real issue here...

 

The real issue; the reason I am writing this post is a situation that is coming up. My boyfriend is going to be leaving on a trip with his ex, his daughter and his ex's parents. They will be gone for 5 days. The reason for the trip is that his daughter has to have some heart surgery which can only be performed by a specialist so they have to go. Ok, I get that, but why does he have to go with? I feel like he is holding on trying to be a part of that family which he is not a part of. Yes he is "daddy" to the girl, but what is he to the ex and her parents?? :o They all will be spending a lot of close time together. They are driving to the destination and ALL of them will be sharing a hotel room together. I really feel unconfortable with all of the situation, but dont want to seem selfish or too needy either. How can I express my concern of him being with his ex and family for so long?

 

Are you still a secret in his life, ie does his ex know about you and that you are his partner now?

 

 

If you are still a secret then that makes you an OW. I'd be checking up on this, as MM have been known to lie to their OW about the reasons for going away together.

 

Wasn't there a BW poster who was asked by the OW if she'd ever managed to get the kidney transplant she'd been waiting for? :sick:

 

Wasn't there another who's BW got pregnant apparently either by immaculate conception or going off to the IVF clinic without telling the MM? :o

 

If you're not an OW and in a public relationship with him, then you need to decide if you can manage a relationship with a man who is being a parent to a 3 years old with all that entails. It's no different than if she were his biological daughter.

Eeyore79 Established Member

Eeyore79

Posted
Posted

It seems rather bizarre to me that he's clinging onto a child that isn't his - maybe what he's really doing is trying to cling onto his ex? How long have they been broken up, and who dumped who?

 

The ex could cut off his contact at any time and he'd have no legal recourse, and he isn't required to pay any money for the child; plus it seems that when he does pay money the child doesn't get it anyway, because the ex spends it on herself. It sounds like he's being taken for a ride. When the ex gets a new partner, you can be sure he won't be happy that someone who's not even the child's father is still hanging around. Three years is very little in the course of a lifetime; if he left now the child wouldn't even remember him when she grew up, and wouldn't miss him because he's not her father.

 

To be frank, I don't think he should continue being a father to a child that isn't his, with whom he has no rights or obligations. While I can understand that his ex needs support on this trip, she has her parents with her, and your boyfriend is not needed. The whole thing about sleeping in the same hotel room is also very fishy; even if the trip was justified, there's no reason for them all to be in the same hotel room, and it's a bit bizarre for parents to sleep in the same room as their daughter and her ex. Where are they all going to sleep - four to a bed?! Sorry but this sounds like a lie. It's more likely that the parents have their own room (or aren't even going, and he made that up to keep you quiet), and your boyfriend is planning on sleeping in the same room as his ex (automatic deal breaker).

 

My main question is: Where is the child's father?! He should be the one going on this trip, not your boyfriend. He should be the one paying child support money, taking the kid out on weekends, raising her - not your boyfriend. If I were you, I'd remove myself from this bizarre situation and go and find a man who's not overly attached to his ex and playing daddy to a kid that isn't even his.

phillyfan Established Member

phillyfan

Posted
Posted

Dude seriously, shes a little kid who is about to have heart surgery, wants her daddy to be there 2 hold her hand and u dont want him 2 go?!

 

And who cares if hes the 'real' dad - the little girl wants him there and thats all that anyone shud care about - its about THE LITTLE GIRL rite now.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted (edited)
It seems rather bizarre to me that he's clinging onto a child that isn't his - maybe what he's really doing is trying to cling onto his ex? How long have they been broken up, and who dumped who?

 

The ex could cut off his contact at any time and he'd have no legal recourse, and he isn't required to pay any money for the child; plus it seems that when he does pay money the child doesn't get it anyway, because the ex spends it on herself. It sounds like he's being taken for a ride. When the ex gets a new partner, you can be sure he won't be happy that someone who's not even the child's father is still hanging around. Three years is very little in the course of a lifetime; if he left now the child wouldn't even remember him when she grew up, and wouldn't miss him because he's not her father.

 

To be frank, I don't think he should continue being a father to a child that isn't his, with whom he has no rights or obligations. While I can understand that his ex needs support on this trip, she has her parents with her, and your boyfriend is not needed. The whole thing about sleeping in the same hotel room is also very fishy; even if the trip was justified, there's no reason for them all to be in the same hotel room, and it's a bit bizarre for parents to sleep in the same room as their daughter and her ex. Where are they all going to sleep - four to a bed?! Sorry but this sounds like a lie. It's more likely that the parents have their own room (or aren't even going, and he made that up to keep you quiet), and your boyfriend is planning on sleeping in the same room as his ex (automatic deal breaker).

 

My main question is: Where is the child's father?! He should be the one going on this trip, not your boyfriend. He should be the one paying child support money, taking the kid out on weekends, raising her - not your boyfriend. If I were you, I'd remove myself from this bizarre situation and go and find a man who's not overly attached to his ex and playing daddy to a kid that isn't even his.

 

I was raised from young by a man I was not biologically connected to. He and my mum nearly split a couple of times years ago. Would I have expected him to continue to be my dad? Damn right I would.

 

Your stance on this 'father' business is unusual and worrying.

Edited by Silly_Girl
Eeyore79 Established Member

Eeyore79

Posted
Posted

The kids is three, so he's hardly raised her. Let's assume that he dated the mom for a while, then he moved in and was like a father to her child, and now they've been broken up for at least six months. All of this happened within three years, so how long was he actually a hands-on parent to the child? A year perhaps? 18 months? And now he's going to parent a child that isn't his for the rest of his life, on the basis of having been shacked up with the mom for a year or two? It seems ridiculous to me.

 

Also I repeat my earlier question: Where is the child's real father? Why isn't he going on this trip with his daughter, and why isn't he supporting her financially and taking her out on weekends etc? It's his place to do those things, not the OP's boyfriend.

 

The "sleeping in the same room" thing still sounds fishy to me. Even if there was a good reason for him going on this trip, there's absolutely no reason for them to be sleeping in the same room.

greengoddess Established Member

greengoddess

Posted
Posted
I have met her. I dont' have intentions to be friends with her as she is self-centered and all about me everytime her mouth opens. It's usually not about her daughter, but just her. My boyfriend has even told me how she has lied to him in the past to get money for their daughter only to use the money for personal reasons. I know he stays in for the girl, but I dont know why he still gives his ex so much leeway.

 

:laugh: This is rich. I love this. She is self centered and all about me.

 

Do you think you could possibly be projecting here? Don't you think you are being extremely self centered expecting your boyfriend not to go with his DAUGHTER, blood doesn't matter, for HEART surgery because of you?

OMG seriously. This is not a fricking vacation. This is a family taking care of a loved one and trying to do it in the least expensive way. You don't like it? Pay for him to get his own room.

greengoddess Established Member

greengoddess

Posted
Posted
The kids is three, so he's hardly raised her. Let's assume that he dated the mom for a while, then he moved in and was like a father to her child, and now they've been broken up for at least six months. All of this happened within three years, so how long was he actually a hands-on parent to the child? A year perhaps? 18 months? And now he's going to parent a child that isn't his for the rest of his life, on the basis of having been shacked up with the mom for a year or two? It seems ridiculous to me.

 

Also I repeat my earlier question: Where is the child's real father? Why isn't he going on this trip with his daughter, and why isn't he supporting her financially and taking her out on weekends etc? It's his place to do those things, not the OP's boyfriend.

 

The "sleeping in the same room" thing still sounds fishy to me. Even if there was a good reason for him going on this trip, there's absolutely no reason for them to be sleeping in the same room.

 

Geeeez are you serious? He's been this kids daddy since she was born.

vsmini Established Member

vsmini

Posted
Posted

If it bothers you now, chances are it will bother you many years from now. I'm not a selfish person and I'm very understanding and I would get out of the relationship. Is he going to take care of this little girl until she is an adult? It's kind of him to do so but the fact that the ex is still taking money from him?

 

I think it's inappropriate and I say let him do what he wants but I wouldn't stick around for it. I think there would be a lot of drama unfolding in the future and if you're uncomfortable with it (and by your post you don't seem like an unreasonable or selfish woman) then you're going to stay uncomfortable with it. I say find someone else without this "baggage" so to speak. I know it sounds harsh but I just don't have sympathy for the ex. It doesn't mean she's a bad person.

vsmini Established Member

vsmini

Posted
Posted

I just do NOT agree with anything green goddess has to say about this situation.

This is a more complex situation than "new girlfriend is selfish and the boyfriend is a great dad with oodles of compassion."

 

It's irritating that you don't recognize that GG.

greengoddess Established Member

greengoddess

Posted
Posted
I just do NOT agree with anything green goddess has to say about this situation.

This is a more complex situation than "new girlfriend is selfish and the boyfriend is a great dad with oodles of compassion."

 

It's irritating that you don't recognize that GG.

 

:laugh::laugh:It's irritating that I don't agree with you? You must spend a lot of your life being irritated. Do you ever discuss politics with people.:p

 

She's been with this guy four months and she expects him to pick her jealousy of the ex, over supporting a child he has raised for 3 years?

 

I would not want to be with someone who would dismis a three year old having HEART surgery because I may be a little jealous.

 

If she does not trust him then yes she needs to move on. You can't have love without trust.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted

I'll throw out a different opinion here.

 

He's still very emotionally invested in this girl's life...and by extension, his ex's life and even her family's lives.

 

While there may be nothing "wrong" with his inclusion on this trip to go with her for the surgery, this deep emotional attachment should still be a big red flag to the OP that he's not likely to be a 'safe partner' for HER to invest emotionally into a relationship with right now.

 

I'd give this high, high odds that he will eventually end up back together with his ex at some point. He's never fully let go of that relationship. He's still invested in it to some degree because of his attachment to her daughter.

 

Right or wrong...he's not relationship material for anyone else at this point in time. He's still vested elsewhere...and trying to engage in a relationship with him now is a risky thing to consider.

 

That's how I see this at least.

greengoddess Established Member

greengoddess

Posted
Posted
I'll throw out a different opinion here.

 

He's still very emotionally invested in this girl's life...and by extension, his ex's life and even her family's lives.

 

While there may be nothing "wrong" with his inclusion on this trip to go with her for the surgery, this deep emotional attachment should still be a big red flag to the OP that he's not likely to be a 'safe partner' for HER to invest emotionally into a relationship with right now.

 

I'd give this high, high odds that he will eventually end up back together with his ex at some point. He's never fully let go of that relationship. He's still invested in it to some degree because of his attachment to her daughter.

 

Right or wrong...he's not relationship material for anyone else at this point in time. He's still vested elsewhere...and trying to engage in a relationship with him now is a risky thing to consider.

 

That's how I see this at least.

 

:laugh::laugh:

Humor me for a bit.

 

Can't he just actually be one of the good guys? Can't he be a great guy who would not cheat and really cares for this little girl who he raised from a little baby to a 3 year old little girl who can now express emotions to him. Can't he be the great guy ex who loves the kid and cares for the mom and her family as well. Haven't you ever remained close friends with an ex? Where it was just a nice mutual breakup where you realized you just were not meant to be together?

 

Come on I want to have a positive he's one of the good guys point of view and tell her she should hang onto him. He's a keeper. She just needs to understand her reasons for the jealousy and talk to him AFTER like whichwayisup had suggested.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted

GG, you know my view of "exes" anyway. Close proximity contact with ex's are ALWAYS a risk to an ongoing relationship.

 

How many affairs have we seen with 'exes' here on LS? More than I can count for sure.

 

I'm NOT saying that's what happening here now. Not at all. It doesn't sound like that's the current situation to me.

 

BUT...the risk for it to happen is very, very high. This kind of situation is a highly charged emotional event. That can spill over into his interaction with his ex.

 

Sure, it's POSSIBLE that it won't.

 

But from my perspective...the risk of it happening here is high. If the OP already feels threatened by what's going on...that should be a "gut instinct" warning to her that it could happen.

 

That's my take.

 

I'm not knocking this guy. But the risk of something happening here due to poor boundaries is huge.

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
I was raised from young by a man I was not biologically connected to. He and my mum nearly split a couple of times years ago. Would I have expected him to continue to be my dad? Damn right I would.

 

Your stance on this 'father' business is unusual and worrying.

 

 

I was about to say that not only do I know a few people who aren't biologically related but take care of children emotionally and financially but wouldn't leave them other than death. I have children I help take care of who aren't biologically related to me in anyway. And I expect to be a part of all their lives...good, bad and otherwise.

26pointblue Established Member

26pointblue

Posted
Posted
It's after 1am, I just read your other response..I should have finishd reading before hitting enter! Sorry 'bout that..:)

 

It's okay, I was the dumbie that posted the first one ha ha. [i'll use the it's-after-1-am excuse too!]

26pointblue Established Member

26pointblue

Posted
Posted
It seems rather bizarre to me that he's clinging onto a child that isn't his - maybe what he's really doing is trying to cling onto his ex? How long have they been broken up, and who dumped who?

 

The ex could cut off his contact at any time and he'd have no legal recourse, and he isn't required to pay any money for the child; plus it seems that when he does pay money the child doesn't get it anyway, because the ex spends it on herself. It sounds like he's being taken for a ride. When the ex gets a new partner, you can be sure he won't be happy that someone who's not even the child's father is still hanging around. Three years is very little in the course of a lifetime; if he left now the child wouldn't even remember him when she grew up, and wouldn't miss him because he's not her father.

 

To be frank, I don't think he should continue being a father to a child that isn't his, with whom he has no rights or obligations. While I can understand that his ex needs support on this trip, she has her parents with her, and your boyfriend is not needed. The whole thing about sleeping in the same hotel room is also very fishy; even if the trip was justified, there's no reason for them all to be in the same hotel room, and it's a bit bizarre for parents to sleep in the same room as their daughter and her ex. Where are they all going to sleep - four to a bed?! Sorry but this sounds like a lie. It's more likely that the parents have their own room (or aren't even going, and he made that up to keep you quiet), and your boyfriend is planning on sleeping in the same room as his ex (automatic deal breaker).

 

My main question is: Where is the child's father?! He should be the one going on this trip, not your boyfriend. He should be the one paying child support money, taking the kid out on weekends, raising her - not your boyfriend. If I were you, I'd remove myself from this bizarre situation and go and find a man who's not overly attached to his ex and playing daddy to a kid that isn't even his.

 

I completely agree. Even though I misunderstood the situation my gut reaction is that he is either still with the child's mother or is using the child as a reason to stay close with the mother. NOT that he doesn't have genuine feelings for the child. Just that in these types of situations it is normal & healthy to break away after a year & not be seen as the child's true father when one is not! I've been thinking about this thread since my goof-up posts & I was thinking along the same lines as you Eeyore . . . when the child's mother gets a new boyfriend or marries a man, that person will be who the child looks to as its step-parent, not the ex. Three years of dating ["boyfriend"] does not make him a stepdad. I have no issue with him remaining involved in the child's life, as long as he realizes that's up to the child's mother & could change on a whim which would be hard for him & the child probably, but to go on a trip, even for this purpose, with the mother & the mother's family shows to me that something is just off about this situation. He is eventually going to need to let go because he is not the real or adoptive father. If it's been a year that is worrisome to me. Just my opinion.

26pointblue Established Member

26pointblue

Posted
Posted
I was raised from young by a man I was not biologically connected to. He and my mum nearly split a couple of times years ago. Would I have expected him to continue to be my dad? Damn right I would.

 

Your stance on this 'father' business is unusual and worrying.

 

SillyGirl your situation is really different than the one presented here. If you were raised from young until now by this man & your mother 'nearly' split from him but didn't, that's just a completely different situation. This little boy is three & will presumably receive a new father figure once the mother is with a new partner. It is unrealistic to expect otherwise. They didn't nearly split, they did split, so it's time to move on although I do think it is honorable to stay in the child's life, but, unrealistic to think that he is going to stay viewed as the child's father for the rest of the child's life. I'm not saying it couldn't happen but I'm saying it would be an extremely rare circumstance & to me it is indicative that the mother & her ex [OP's boyfriend] are still tied together too closely, which to me is the unusual & worrying part.

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