spiderowl Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 I was mulling this over today and thought you might have some ideas about it. If a guy shows interest in a woman he's just met for the first time at a social event - e.g. sitting with her, asking her questions and complimenting her - but didn't ask for contact details because they'd only been talking for an hour or so. What would he be thinking? Would it mean he wasn't interested or just that he didn't like being too forward? What if he'd like to see her again? What would he be likely to do? They do have friends who know each other but have not met each other before. They may or may not bump into each other at future events, unless he goes out of his way, but that's not likely. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 Pointless to try and guess at this. I've done exactly what you've described above (chatting, complimenting) purely to a) be friendly and b) practice my social skills. The only action you need to pay attention to is the one where the guy makes a solid move (asks for your number, invites you out etc) Anything else and it's simply too open to figure out what the guy is thinking. If I were the lady, I'd be asking "Was I actively sending signals to the guy I was interested". Women often underestimate just how much control they have on their side of the fence. If you're openly flirting with the guy and he doesn't respond, you have your answer. If you're not putting out buying signals, a guy is probably just going to assume you're being friendly. That's what I usually do. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 If you're not putting out buying signals, a guy is probably just going to assume you're being friendly. This. I can usually tell within the first 30 seconds of a conversation whether I'm wasting my time or not. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 Not to be completely negative but I'd be thinking he lost interest over the course of the conversation. Perhaps by the end he just wasn't "feeling it" and decided not to ask for your info..I'm not normally pessimistic but this would be my conclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 I won't speak for other men but, if women thought I was interested in them romantically from personal conversations and questions asked, I'd have a trail of broken hearts a thousand miles long. Being friendly can be a prelude to more romantic pursuits, to be sure, but some personal conversation and questions does not a romance make. Lots of eye contact, moving into your personal space, light touch and desire for a bit more privacy if in public, better signs. Asking for contact information- a real good sign. Asking you out to dinner - collect your 200 bucks. In this case, if friendly turns to thoughts of 'I'd like to talk with her again', then the mutual friend network, along with his interest, will make it happen. Men, and women, know how to make things happen if sufficiently interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted May 25, 2011 Author Share Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your thoughts. I didn't quite give the whole story. He came to talk to me initially (yes, I confess, it was me). We sat and talked for an hour and a half or so. He put my coat around me because it was getting chilly. He mentioned that he might come to an event I regularly go to and that he'd never been to before (I did not invite him or anything but he knew about this event from the mutual friend who does attend). He seemed warm and friendly and I think we were both a bit surprised that we got on so well. What he doesn't know is that the mutual friend has expressed interest in me in the past (yes, puzzling, but people do sometimes) and I'm afraid I didn't return his interest though we remain friends. I think that could be awkward if there was any genuine interest from the new guy and it wasn't just a figment of my imagination. Edited May 25, 2011 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Badenov Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I've been that guy in several situations. Usually its fear of rejection, combined with not wanting to "spoil the moment" by being too forward. He probably sees it as an investment for future meetings. (be grateful he wasn't just trying to get you in bed, which is probably what he was afraid you'd think) Make an effort to meet him halfway. If you play hard-to-get, you'll lose him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted May 27, 2011 Author Share Posted May 27, 2011 Thanks. I think there was some interest there and I'm usually good at picking up on it. It would have seemed a bit forward if he'd asked for contact details when we'd only just met like that. He had to leave before me too as he'd previously been recruited to help return some equipment borrowed for event. It will be interesting to see if he does turn up at this other event some time. I don't think he was shy but it would have seemed too direct to ask for contact details so soon. I certainly felt it was too soon to offer any. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted May 29, 2011 Author Share Posted May 29, 2011 By the way, what would you count as buying signals? How can a woman show interest without being too forward? What would be natural and yet encouraging? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 there is nothing wrong with asking a woman out after talking with her for 10 minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted May 29, 2011 Author Share Posted May 29, 2011 True, there's nothing wrong with it but it's not something my group of friends would normally do. They would see that as a bit too eager and 'tacky', not respectful. The downside of not doing so is that unless you are going to see someone again anyway, you've lost your chance. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 True, there's nothing wrong with it but it's not something my group of friends would normally do. They would see that as a bit too eager and 'tacky', not respectful. it could also be seen as confidence Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted May 29, 2011 Author Share Posted May 29, 2011 Maybe it was lack of confidence or lack of interest - who knows? These things seem to happen so quickly and afterwards you wonder if it could have been different. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 By the way, what would you count as buying signals? How can a woman show interest without being too forward? What would be natural and yet encouraging? Google "How to flirt" and you'll have pages of reading material. The short version; 1. Make good eye contact 2. Smile 3. Ask questions, make jokes.. generally *engage* in the conversation (rather than being overly passive) 4. Playing with hair, pulling it away from the neck, usually with a slight tilt 5. Laugh (if you're amused.. do. not. fake. this) 6. Brief light touching, on the guys forearms, shoulders etc (physical contact is a really strong, clear sign for most guys) Honestly, I've said this about every serious girlfriend I ever had. I *knew* in the first 10 minutes that she was into me. That's how clear and strong the signals they were putting out were. It made my job all that much easier (the asking out) Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 True, there's nothing wrong with it but it's not something my group of friends would normally do. They would see that as a bit too eager and 'tacky', not respectful. The downside of not doing so is that unless you are going to see someone again anyway, you've lost your chance. Eh, I asked my last serious girlfriend out after talking for about 10 minutes.. that stretched into 30 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 Thanks neowulf. Guess I know how to hint if I'm really interested in a guy. Most of the time, I think he seems nice and would like to get to know him better but don't feel strongly enough to flirt outright. Had too many bad experiences and prefer to get to know what a guy's personality is before encouraging him too much. I suppose I'm not helping myself here. Link to post Share on other sites
northstarr Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Hi Spiderowl, what exactly do you mean by 'not feeling strongly enough to flirt'? Are you insecure about your flirting skills or appeal? or are you just not feeling that much for the guy? I see what you were saying in my thread about inconsistencies and begin wary of these men. Will u seek him out or move on? How about giving it a chance if you can? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Hi northstarr. You asked an interesting question. Guess I'd say I liked him as a person, thought he was quite attractive, but I was wary in case he was attached, weird, just after one thing, all sorts of thoughts, so flirting didn't seem appropriate. If I'm attracted to someone I will talk with him as a friend and see how he's responding and what kind of person he is. When just getting to know a guy, flirting seems wrong to me. It's something I'd save for a partner not someone I'd just met. Sounds weird, I guess, and probably old-fashioned, but then do guys really want women to flirt madly with them on a first meeting? What impression does that give them of the woman? I'm not looking for a one-night stand. I've also been mistreated very badly by a guy I trusted and now I want to take time getting to know any guy before trusting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Sorry, realised I didn't answer your question. I won't seek him out. I'm old-fashioned and expect the guy to do that if he's interested. He knows where to find me through our mutual friend (who may not be too happy about that, given he's asked me out himself). The new guy did sound nice and apart from talking about himself a lot, which I find most guys do, he seemed a nice guy. If he asked me out, I'd definitely say yes and then see whether the good impression remains. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Honestly, I've said this about every serious girlfriend I ever had. I *knew* in the first 10 minutes that she was into me. true that. Link to post Share on other sites
Blood Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Get on your back, punch and kick wildly into the air, and scream "No means no." He'll eventually get the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Yes, but how did you know, alphamale? Were they blatantly flirting or just showing interest in you as a person? I do show interest - I smile and I'm friendly, just don't make it glaringly obvious. Guys ask me out when I'm just friendly so I'm not offputting (even when I mean to be!). I know it must sound like I'm offputting but believe me not all guys are nice guys and it pays to take your time getting to know a person and what their reputation is. I don't care if some think that negative, it's the way people did things in the past when they were interested in a person's character not just his looks. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yes, but how did you know, alphamale? Were they blatantly flirting or just showing interest in you as a person? blatant flirting and showing interest are pretty much the same thing Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Been thinking about this. I don't like to flirt because some guys have such a sexual approach on and off-line and make it so clear that I want to back off from such guys. It makes me feel that's all most guys are interested in. Flirting is like saying 'come and get me, I'm ready to sleep with you', yet at that point I just want to get to know them to find out if they are the kind of guy I'd like to get more involved with. Link to post Share on other sites
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