poseyflump Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I posted this in the wrong place before. My b/f of three years will not acknowledge my existence to the mother of his children. he keeps that side of his life totally separate from our relationship. we have had so many arguments only about this, that its just not working for me anymore. I feel so devalued I don't know what else to do except break up with him. I know as soon as I break up I will want him back. For quite a while if she telephoned he asked me to stay quiet so she would not know I was there. That has stopped now, not because things have improved but because he makes calls to her when I am not around. How can I get him to see that acknowledging a woman is important. I feel like I am nothing.
Beeotch Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I posted this in the wrong place before. My b/f of three years will not acknowledge my existence to the mother of his children. he keeps that side of his life totally separate from our relationship. we have had so many arguments only about this, that its just not working for me anymore. I feel so devalued I don't know what else to do except break up with him. I know as soon as I break up I will want him back. For quite a while if she telephoned he asked me to stay quiet so she would not know I was there. That has stopped now, not because things have improved but because he makes calls to her when I am not around. How can I get him to see that acknowledging a woman is important. I feel like I am nothing. This is a horrible situation....and the truth is, you cannot get him to value you as you allowing this situation has been a way of devaluing your own self, thus giving him permission to do so. Not to blame yourself or feel bad but I am learning firsthand that WE give people permission to treat us in certain ways. If from day one he was hiding you and you put your foot down...then he would either shape up or leave. But we are often scared of this person "leaving" so we put up with being devalued. That speaks a lot about US. You have to get to a place where you love and value yourself so much more than how someone else would, so that you don't worry about speaking your truth because you don't want someone to leave. This article and website in genera has some GREAT advice on such situations and how to empower yourself. here's an excerpt relevant to your situation but you can view the full article and site for yourself: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ Every year I come across thousands of people who are trying to love, give, be, do, twist, turn, morph, adapt and transform themselves so that they can ‘win’ the affections and attentions of others. They believe that they’re ‘not good enough’ and that’s why they have to do all of these things and that eventually when they reach the tipping point, they’ll be rewarded. Examples: Convincing them that you’re good enough for them or even for their peers and family. Convincing them of your worth and that you’re worthy enough. Convincing them that you’re loyal, understanding, and supportive even of the shadiest of behaviour. Like ‘casual’ and ‘relationship’, ‘convincing’ and ‘relationship’ don’tgo together. Convincing is very close to selling. Convincing others will have you being anything but yourself because your actions reflect a mentality that says you’re not good enough and to do and be whatever it is you think it takes to convince. It says you’ve got to ‘convert’ them which says that the position that they’re in now is of non acceptance/agreement. That’s a major code amber to red alert right there. Convincing tells someone that you’re not personally secure. At times it may even say that you’re desperate, which is unlikely to be what you were intending to convey. If you don’t feel ‘good enough’, you never will if you’re in an ongoing pitch and negotiation in your relationships. You’ll never feel secure or happy in the relationship. You need to arrive to a relationship ‘deal’ as an equal and stay that way
Author poseyflump Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I know and I want out. I was not like this before I met him. I was confident carefree bubbly, all of the things i loved about myself are now gone. It has become so important to me that he should appreciate me for who i am that im confused.
nana841121 Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 You teach people how to respect you Your described situation is unacceptable what the hell? You are invisible to his ex? Leave him! No matter how hard it is,cause it would not work at last, don't delay your suffering
Beeotch Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I know and I want out. I was not like this before I met him. I was confident carefree bubbly, all of the things i loved about myself are now gone. It has become so important to me that he should appreciate me for who i am that im confused. Check that site out! There are many confident, bright, beautiful women on there who have gotten themselves into situations that they never thought they would be in, or "know better" about but don't realize they have subconscious, negative beliefs allowing them to get into less-than-acceptable situations with men. I totally empathize and have been such a woman but decided to make a change. It's good that you want out. You can get out. Reading that site and other women's stories and even seeing yourself in them is what made me put my foot down about a recent situation before it got ridiculous and I wasted years....hopefully it helps you to feel empowered to tell him to beat it and mean it. Truth is, it has gone too far, if he hasn't respected you in 3 years.....he never will. Better to start FRESH with someone who respects you from day one, and it starts with you having good boundaries and respecting yourself, that alone makes it impossible for you to attract men who don't respect you or when you do, you realize quickly and they run the other way when you put your foot down or you cut them down to size before it even starts. But this IMO has gone too far to be redeemed and in any case it is not about him but about you rearranging yourself and uncovering why you've allowed this and how you can avoid it in the future.
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