MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Okay so update was 2 weeks NC then i asked him to come home and he was like "I don't know how or when or if to reply to you"....2 more weeks NC I see him driving on Sat and last night we were at movies at same time but I never saw him. I cried myself to sleep. Today at noon he writes me an email.... "I have been trying to decide how/when to contact you. What to say, what not to say, etc. Typical me, over-thinking things. Something happened that resulted in my having to contact you anyway, so I figured that was a good enough excuse to write. This past Saturday night I was at Zuma Grill and in true Elmer fashion I forgot to close the tab. Next day I went back for my credit card and I.D. To find they had given them to some random person. My card had a couple of fraudulent charges, etc. I filed a police report. Basically, I had to change my account/card number. This means Dish and the gym will no longer be automatically taken until I get my new card and update the info. I am just giving you a heads up since I receive my new card Wednesday in case a charge comes up missing. I really hope this email finds you well. There is so much I selfishly want and wish. But, I am doing my best to respect your wish of me leaving you alone. If you'd EVER consider it, maybe we can open a line of communication via email, or text or something if you feel ready. Feel free to write me back if you want to." I don't even know what to think..... I mean in a way i see this as my chance to show him i changed..act cool, not like a psycho...and just relax and have some limited contact...but then i read what he wrote and basically he's saying he got so trashed at a bar this weekend that he forgot his card...letting me think he was either trashed like i said or that he was so eager to get home to bang someone. I dunno... I think he saw my car at the movies and thats what pushed him to contact me. then he texts me at 2 and says "Did you get my email? You may have chosen to ignore it/me, and I respect that but I just want to be sure it went through" I had no clue what to do....but I replied an hour and a half later and simply said "Yes I got your email" he replied and said "thank you" that's it. what on earth do i do? I know i am probably going to hear people say i shouldn't even have replied to the text but i don't feel comfortable ignoring him all together. I did only reply that i got his email and i didnt reply to his email. I feel like this is my chance to show him that i have and can change. but am i even ready for this? will the pain increase with communication? oh goodness what just happened .AOLWebSuite .AOLPicturesFullSizeLink { height: 1px; width: 1px; overflow: hidden; } .AOLWebSuite a {color:blue; text-decoration: underline; cursor: pointer} .AOLWebSuite a.hsSig {cursor: default}
Fedor Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Sounds like he just wants to extend you his friendship. You shouldnt get your hopes or jump the gun on this. Ignore him! Unless of course you want to be just friends.
geegirl Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I believe he is extending friendship. It's obvious you are still emotional so it would not be a good idea to start communicating. Imagine if you are friends and you hear that he is on a date. You are still raw. He is open to it because he's non-emotional.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I believe he is extending friendship. It's obvious you are still emotional so it would not be a good idea to start communicating. Imagine if you are friends and you hear that he is on a date. You are still raw. He is open to it because he's non-emotional. Yeah I agree I am scared of getting hurt and I dont think that he will mention girls...he's not stupid...i mean i just wrote to him 2 wks ago asking him to come home...he cant possibly think i am okay with him dating.
rayne05us Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Yeah I mean, you have to be comfortable with whatever he says. Maybe he just wants to be friends and that's obviously not what you want. It'll be cool at first...but sooner or later you're gonna want answers that he may not be willing to give. And then it may just blow up even worse....you have to ready to hear anything and act that way YOU want to, instead of how your emotions want to.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Yeah I mean, you have to be comfortable with whatever he says. Maybe he just wants to be friends and that's obviously not what you want. It'll be cool at first...but sooner or later you're gonna want answers that he may not be willing to give. And then it may just blow up even worse....you have to ready to hear anything and act that way YOU want to, instead of how your emotions want to. I totally agree...the way i see it is worse case scenario is i'm still in love with him and want to be with him and he still doesnt want me (which is very likely cause he said he doesn't want a relationship for at least a year) but then at least i can walk away with dignity this time not on the floor begging and crying
Shatter3d Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I think you should just leave it at that, otherwise you are opening yourself up to more hurt and you dont need that. It's selfish of him to even offer you friendship knowing that you still love and want to be with him. He asked if you got the email, you said yes, he said thankyou. Now just leave it at that...nothing more needs to be said. If he keeps pestering you and you really want or feel the need to repsond you could say something along the lines of..."If and when I'm ready for a friendship with you, I'll let you know but its just too hard right now, I hope you understand" and then just leave it at that.... Then...dont ever, ever break NC, keep moving forward and try to remove the thoughts and memories of him out of your head ( I know this is hard) Every time he pops into your mind, force yourself to think about something else, or distract yourself with an activity. Dont ever break NC unless you still want to get back with him and you hear the words you want to hear - ie "I'm sorry, I made the biggest mistake of my life,I love you, I want you back" bla bla bla...you get the drift.....until then STAY STRONG Trust me it gets better, Im 4 months post BU and I was a complete wreck !!
geegirl Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Yeah I agree I am scared of getting hurt and I dont think that he will mention girls...he's not stupid...i mean i just wrote to him 2 wks ago asking him to come home...he cant possibly think i am okay with him dating. If you start communicating and in time (and you're not going to be indifferent in a few month) he wants to date, he may not tell you, yes, but what if you find out. The normal progression after a break up, is to move on and at some point start dating again. You can't control what he does. If he wants to date now, he's entitled to date now. Don't for one minute sit there and think that he's going to guard your feelings and do nothing. Whether he tells you or not, you may hear it and it will hurt you all over again.
Prose Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Ok look. Guys really aren't that smooth and deep. Without knowing a tremendous amount about why you broke up I'm just going to assume it was because you were too clingy and too needy and put too much pressure on him or he was going through a self esteem issue of his own where he felt like he couldnt keep you happy or serve your needs. Let me address it kinda backwards: Men put their pride in their jobs, their possessions, their accomplishments and their ability to take care of themselves and their companions. When one of those things tip, the entire ship sinks most times. Now factor in you who was more than likely very clingy and attached to him, perhaps a bit overbearing and jealous and obvioulsy not at all confident unless he did something to make you that way- to make you feel good. At this point you probably dont even want to hear what I'm saying and want to write me a hate letter but remember - you have nothing to prove to me. I'm writing you from experience. I dont have an amazing fairy tale end to a story but what I can tell you is when you put that kind of pressure on a man he will cave in and shut down. Only women can take pressures like that and keep going. I will agree it's horrible that you broke up and unfortunate that you couldn't talk it through, but really were you in any shape at that time to understand your part in the failure of the relationship? You were emotional, desperate and holding on to him tight. Thats pretty much why using the whole NC thing works - not to get your ex back, but to force you to relax and think about everything from all sides of the spectrum, and for you to find confidence again. Your boyfriend/husband/partner cannot give you confidence, cannot make you love yourself, cannot be your only source of self esteem. Making him that is unfair because you put a huge weight on him to take care of you or fail and frankly, you scare the pants off him and make him want to run. And, well, he did. Ok moving to the now. Even if you reconcile, you cant go back to the way it was. That way wasnt working right? So you need to work on you. You need to get a grip on your emotions and find a way to not put so much pressure on him to carry you all the time. I could throw out things like, go to the gym, read more, learn something new, just do something that stimulates your brain. In the meantime, yea NC is nice it gives you guys space and lets you work on you, but make sure you're not using it to punish him. Yea he's a jerk, a dummy, for leaving but you cant judge a man based on a woman's standard. Men crumble very quick. They are very basic hunter, gather, technical- when it comes to emotions and pressure they are boneheads. But, he's also reaching out to you. He's asking to open the lines of communication. Ok...well why the heck not then? He's not asking you to come home or to wisking you away to a romanic isle, but really like I said you cant just go back to the old. You have to forge a new relationship and it starts with repairing the friendship and *THE* communication -ding light-bulb moment! Learn how to communicate again. No, I dont think you need to be going out to dinner or risking anything that might hurt you like sex or thinking you're on a date. But why not exchange emails sometimes? Why not talk on friendly terms. What it comes down to is are you ready for that emotionally? Are you ready to learn how to communicate with him again and how to build from the ashes? Point blank if you are not ready, then tell him you're not and leave it at that. But he extended the hand to you. Remember that. My advice may not be wanted and if that is the case I'm sorry. I'm going to wrap up now but if you want me to continue just respond. I'm no MD, no PHD none of that. I've just been there, done that, and learned.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I do appreciate your response and although it is not entirely accurate it is mostly accurate and thats what matters. Thing is he said i made him feel like he would never be good enough for me..so the 2 months of break up that i begged him was me trying to undo the "damage" that i had done. I don't know what to do b/c yes i would like to beginnew. at ground zero and start at a friendship level. i dont think i am ready to see him or hang out or any of that but i do think that contacting via email is a good idea... but i'm still scared cause i don't know if for him it would just be a more "okay i still have her....i can feel good doing whatever i want again"
Prose Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 We think trying to beg and convince our loves that things can be better. At that point there is no logic left. He told you you made him feel like he couldnt make you happy. That is a mouthful. That speaks volumes. Read it again and think about it. He felt like he was doing all he could to make you happy and nothing was working. He is feeling that what it would take to make you happy, he just doesn't (for whatever reason) have the ability to do right now. Rather, in his mind, than tie you up with him .. he would rather give you the opportunity to be free, to explore other relationships and, hopefully, you will find on your own that you are happy with him the way things were. He really -- and I mean this in the nicest way -- reached his limit in terms of being able to make you happy. There is no point begging or being logical or thinking he is wrong or shame on him. You either accept that he loves you and this is the best he can do and stop expecting him to show you love the way you show him love. Or, you dont accept it and you move on. We all want our men to be cheerleaders and so happy and call us all the time and ooh la la la. But is that realistic? Men are not women. As far as what you're afraid of. You control what communication you give him. If you arent ready to go out, then stick to emailing once or twice a week and be mature enough to accept that and do not flood his email or text box and dont flip out if he doesnt respond right away. He didn't leave you to go prowl the town for women or because he didnt want you. He left probably unselfishly because he didnt feel good enough. Men want respect and appreciation, they wont want hugs and kisses all the time and mushiness. When you took your respect away you emasculated him. He is opening the communication because you're important to him. So email him. Keep the conversation light, dont even talk about the relationship. The relationship doesnt exist anymore it's just you and him two people reconnecting and rebuilding a friendship. Let the chemistry do the rest.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 We think trying to beg and convince our loves that things can be better. At that point there is no logic left. He told you you made him feel like he couldnt make you happy. That is a mouthful. That speaks volumes. Read it again and think about it. He felt like he was doing all he could to make you happy and nothing was working. He is feeling that what it would take to make you happy, he just doesn't (for whatever reason) have the ability to do right now. Rather, in his mind, than tie you up with him .. he would rather give you the opportunity to be free, to explore other relationships and, hopefully, you will find on your own that you are happy with him the way things were. He really -- and I mean this in the nicest way -- reached his limit in terms of being able to make you happy. There is no point begging or being logical or thinking he is wrong or shame on him. You either accept that he loves you and this is the best he can do and stop expecting him to show you love the way you show him love. Or, you dont accept it and you move on. We all want our men to be cheerleaders and so happy and call us all the time and ooh la la la. But is that realistic? Men are not women. As far as what you're afraid of. You control what communication you give him. If you arent ready to go out, then stick to emailing once or twice a week and be mature enough to accept that and do not flood his email or text box and dont flip out if he doesnt respond right away. He didn't leave you to go prowl the town for women or because he didnt want you. He left probably unselfishly because he didnt feel good enough. Men want respect and appreciation, they wont want hugs and kisses all the time and mushiness. When you took your respect away you emasculated him. He is opening the communication because you're important to him. So email him. Keep the conversation light, dont even talk about the relationship. The relationship doesnt exist anymore it's just you and him two people reconnecting and rebuilding a friendship. Let the chemistry do the rest. He definitely does not want to be with me so I don't think he wants me to be okay with whatever he has to offer me unles syou mean be okay with friendhsip only which is the only thing he has to offer me. I will not mention the relationship if we were to talk because you're right it doesnt exist anymore. I wonder what we would get out of emailing and what we owuld even talk about hm.. when should i reply?
Prose Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I think you just need to take it slow and stop worrying. You never know what you'd get out of it. Maybe just the joy of speaking in some way I mean you guys aren't strangers. Something brought you together once. Email when you feel right. He already sent you that email asking to open the lines. Why not write back and say something to lighten the mood and not be so stoic. Say hello mention that you would like to open up communication too via email and you *appreciate* that he respected your wishes. Then end the email and make him write you and lead it more. Giving him control of the communication will make you feel less on pins and needles about hearing back from him.
Sassygirl2 Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I have to chime in here and say that Prose seems to be right on the money. This is what happened with my ex as well. He mentioned a few times that he felt like he couldn't make me happy anymore. I think that was the underlying reason he left. Myhearthurts - I would take Prose's advice and email him something light and friendly. I think it will make you feel better to have some kind of polite contact with him instead of nothing. I know how devastated you were and this is a good sign that he cares. It doesn't mean he wants you back, just is reaching out to be friends.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 when would i email this? if i even choose to do that over NC... i was thinking "Hey it's good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your card I can't believe they gave it to someone else that's insane!!! Hope all is worked out with the new card now."
Prose Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 You can still apply NC things just make it more limited contact. And what you said sounds fine. Just make sure that you are emotionally ready for this. You have to be in the mindframe that the relationship is gone and over and this is a friend...a guy you met somewhere that you're getting to know. That is, afterall, how it all started...
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