BrianG Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 So this is my 3rd serious long term relationship where the woman broke up with me and this time I got the ILYBNILWY speech. I have been nothing but a great boyfriend and wonderful father even with our unexpected pregnancy. (We were only dating 5 months before the pregnancy). I'm 33, her 27. How can I get that speech after supporting her through thick and thin in the relationship, pregnancy and raising our son. I am questioning what else I could have done for this woman to fall in love with me. I've done what most women would dream of. What is wrong with me? I know I'm more of a quiet guy and not the most interesting man in the world or the best looking for that matter, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and I tried my very best. Is there anything I can do in terms of a second chance or when someone breaks up with you using this line, should you just cut your losses and move on? Don't want to give up on us, because she knows I'm a wonderful boyfriend and father, she's just not in love with me. Any help or advice would be appreciated.
carhill Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Odd that you were interesting and attractive enough for her to make a baby with you. IMO, the best thing to do with that line is to accept it, aggressively and proactively secure your parental rights and responsibilities, remain a good father and move on. Your best 'second chance', if you even want one, turns on your confidence and assertiveness in moving forward with your life. If that means she becomes an adversary, so be it. An ally, so be it. You have no control over her. Accept it. Good luck
PelicanPete Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I got the same speech but didn't believe it. She then told me she needed time to "find herself" and "live life", and didn't believe that either. She eventually confessed that she wants to be with another guy, and we broke up. Best thing you can do is accept it, don't make a fuss, and start detaching her from your life as best as you can. If you cause drama you'll only push her further away. If you're wanting her back, let remaining positive and composed be the last thing she remembers about you. Start only considering your kid and yourself, not her.
Author BrianG Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 So we had a conversation this morning after dropping my son off. I asked her about her about the ILYBNILWY and she said there was a big part missing out of our relationship and it was the friendship part for her. She wants someone that she can have flowing conversations and banter with etc. It only left me with more questions. I told her that we had a lot of recent changes with the recent birth of our son and both of us adjusting to our new lives as parents, and that it would take work from the both of us. One thing I forgot to ask her was what does she feel we should do. She broke up with me so maybe my answer is nothing. I can't be friends with her because I love her deeply, yet I don't want to give up on this girl. I don't want to be put in the friendzone, but maybe that is something that I need to do to start a clean slate and see where the friendship takes us. Don't know so confused, however it seems like whenever we talk its always something different and maybe she doesn't know what she wants. She's said all kinds of things, "i need to figure myself out", i need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else", I love you but I don't have those romantic feelings for you", and know the friendship part is missing. I think no matter who I am, how hard I try, no matter how much effort and work i put into this, it will never be good enough. I guess I am not the right guy for her, or she is the right one for me for that matter. Any opinions or advice on how to handle it? Should I ask her how she proposes we should address this? Since she broke up with me, I guess she doesn't want to work on it and should i just keep my mouth shut and move on.
PelicanPete Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Honestly it's hard to think about, but I bet there is another guy and she is evaluating how she feels when shes with you, compared to how she feels with him. My ex said the exact same things. How can she love you non romantically, and then say the friendship part is missing? She is confused because she's trying to compare apples to oranges. She's comparing a long term relationship to the feeling of starting over with someone else. If she isn't too thrilled with her life right now and feels like there's no mystery or adventure with you to keep her hooked, she's going to start leaning towards other options. This is her own insecurities and desires that have built up and manifested in her. Rather then properly communicate to you prior, she is now trying to find a line that will satisfy her actions for both of you.
carhill Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 OP, no one is perfect and a spouse/partner in an affair fog will pick the innocent spouse/partner apart and essentially re-write the entirety of the M in their own mind. I know because I did it. Since women generally handle emotions and emotional communication better, a man stands little chance in hell on that playing field. Imagine the potency in her words and strategies to equal or exceed that in your fists, which you are law-bound to restrain. Hence my advice to accept it and move on. Very few women, absent marked abuse of them in the relationship, make for the door without another branch (man) to grasp. IME, none, but anything is possible. Love but not in love speeches are cheating or WAW speeches. Give it enough time and it will become gaslighting. Very unhealthy.
PelicanPete Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 OP, no one is perfect and a spouse/partner in an affair fog will pick the innocent spouse/partner apart and essentially re-write the entirety of the M in their own mind. I know because I did it. Since women generally handle emotions and emotional communication better, a man stands little chance in hell on that playing field. Imagine the potency in her words and strategies to equal or exceed that in your fists, which you are law-bound to restrain. Hence my advice to accept it and move on. Very few women, absent marked abuse of them in the relationship, make for the door without another branch (man) to grasp. IME, none, but anything is possible. Love but not in love speeches are cheating or WAW speeches. Give it enough time and it will become gaslighting. Very unhealthy. Yea pretty much. My ex also rewrote our whole relationship after cheating and leaving, and claimed that I was "emotionally abusive" out of the blue. They're just trying to convince themselves that they made the right decision. If you try to defend yourself from these frequent false claims, they're just going to twist your words to their benefit. Their mind is already made up, so its pretty much a lose/lose. She would still be in love with you if she didn't take a peek on the other side of the fence and check if the grass was greener. If she was really in love with you, there would just be you and there would be nothing to compare. Although carhill, I only have a vague idea of what you mean by gaslighting
carhill Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Gaslighting was hinted at by: "she said there was a big part missing out of our relationship and it was the friendship part for her. She wants someone that she can have flowing conversations and banter with etc" This unilateral statement of dearth, an absolute and complete lack of 'friendship', is designed to cause doubt in the listener, for them to question the very foundations of their heretofore meaningful and intimate relationship. More pronounced gaslighting would be accusing the victim of actions they never committed or words they never spoke and constructing elaborate scenarios to psychologically manipulate the victim into literally thinking they are crazy. I recall one phrase often used - "You must have misunderstood" as a prelude to more mind-fµcking..... Anyway, google 'gaslighting' and you'll find a perhaps more succinct and technical description. I just call it mind-fµcking. It's predominently a cross-gender phenomena simply because each gender generally knows the mind-fµcking tricks their gender employs and how to defeat them. However, where there is intimate emotional attachment in same gender situations, like homosexuality, the possibility exists there as well, due to the trust and intimacy levels involved. I hope this analysis is inapplicable to the OP simply because I would not wish it upon anyone. It literally can make one crazy. Acceptance can help but emotions can get in the way of complete acceptance, which would neutralize the attachment. When the OP says 'want her back', this means he's attached. Be careful.
kaycstamper Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 (edited) On marriagebuilders.com they say this line almost always means there's someone else by which they have a point of comparison. Sorry, I've gotten that one too. They tend to rewrite history and say they never loved you...but you have memories of them being in love with you and you know you aren't crazy. They are gaslighting and trying to make you think so, but your memories are real...it's just that now they think they are in love with someone else and don't want to own up to it to you. Your best way of knowing what you're up against is to open your eyes to it...look for it, there's all kinds of ways to find out, you'll get your answer. She can't have it both ways. In your first stage you show her what a wonderful partner you are...don't tell her, just display it. Then after about a month and you get nowhere, you go completely dark on her. Have an intermediary to deal with the child visitation. What this does is shows her what life without you will be like, all while protecting the little bit of love you have left for her. You do not want her getting her needs met from the other man and you both. When you go completely dark on her then she'll turn to the other man and that's when their relationship will take a turn...no longer is life with him a wonderful fantasy but now it's the nitty gritty stuff everyday relationships are made of. In most cases it takes about 2-6 months for that relationship to self destruct. Then IF you want her back, you present your conditions...no contact with other man is at the top of the list. Have her write a no contact letter to him and YOU mail it. If they worked together, she needs to quit her job, they cannot continue to work together if you want your relationship to work. Normally I would say expose their affair to everyone, family, friends, hers, his, yours, but since the two of you aren't married it renders exposure with less leverage, but I'll leave that to you. What that does is bursts their fantasy world...fantasy comes colliding with truth/reality. Personally, if I wasn't married to her and she has someone else, I'd be out of there, but that's up to you. Edited May 24, 2011 by kaycstamper
Author BrianG Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Yeah, even before a month before we moved out their was a recent 10 page love letter from her ex from six years ago that has been obsessed with her ever since. I know that she has been hanging out with him as he is friends with some friends of her, and i forgot to mention that I went to pick up my son and he was in his lap just over after a week of us moving out and going separate ways. She tells me that it "shouldn't bother me" because it means nothing, blah blah. The next week I go and there is this huge poster-board of pics and old memories, etc. they shared together. Now, today and there was two mixed cds he just made her sitting in the living room. I understand with NYseto's post and maybe I focused on being a great person/boyfriend and father that I neglected the opportunities to establish the romantic side of things. My only defense to that having a child together and making personal sacrifices in each other's lives makes things hard in the romantic areas. I tried my hardest, and I have said so many times that I wanted to work on us, and for whatever reason for her, she thought it was something she couldn't address and handle together. So the ex is making a major press to her on the romantic side of things, and here I am trying to stay in LC and I feel helpless in terms of her. She's made her choices, and do I really want to be the most recent ex contending with her old ex for heart? He is showing her the romantic side of things that have been lacking in us. Just frustrated and hurt
Author BrianG Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 would you mind elaborating? I'd really like to hear more, don't know how to message you.
Author BrianG Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 would you mind elaborating? I'd really like to hear more, don't know how to message you. It's not how good of a father you are that brings in the love from her, it's the fantasy you've offered her. You have to look at it from a romantic point of view, not a parental one. I just want to learn what I can do better with the next person. She grew distant so I didn't know what to do or where she was at emotionally until she broke up with me.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 You have to not need the relationship as much as she thinks you do. You have to show her when you do have limited contact. Dont tell her about your life, keep the attitude like you dont want her to know anything new about you. Let her work for your attention. Right now, romance is new with her ex, you cant compete for that. let it run its course, it didnt work the first time, it will prolly fizzle out the second time, and she MIGHT come back looking for you again. But she will most likely remember how unromantic you were, so dont count on it. Right now, start your new life, and keep away from her until you heal, then find someone new that you can practice your fixed mistakes on.
carhill Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 would you mind elaborating? I'd really like to hear more, don't know how to message you. That poster does not yet have PM privileges. If you wish to learn some tools to have better relationships, counseling can help. Most of my work revolved around clear and effective communication and enforcing boundaries.
PelicanPete Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I completely understand Brian, it's one of the worst feelings in the world. If she would have properly communicated with you how to improve the relationship, it probably wouldn't have escalated this far. You trusted her and she made a conscious decision to let things come to this. Best possible thing you can do is go immediate NC if possible, otherwise start LC and get things organized to go NC. It's hard in the beginning because you want to go in guns blazing and try everything to get her back, but 99% of the time it's just going to push her further from you and closer to the other guy. You may be 100x better of a person then the other guy, but it doesn't matter because he's currently got the romantic edge over your ex. Start disconnecting yourself from her, focus on your kid or whatever you can to keep your mind off the break up for now. You're probably going to be on a roller coaster of emotions and unable to think rationally about the relationship for the next little while, so just post here or give yourself a lot of time before making a move. Write out and talk about your frustrations to relieve yourself a bit. I'm sorry, it sucks
Author BrianG Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Eddie, She broke up with me and January, and we have been living together until rMay till our lease expired. She couldn't move out and didn't have a job or place to live. I didn't feel it was right to kick the mother of my child with no place to go. I am so frustrated, I'm not perfect. I can't be and do everything all the time, but I tried. I have been in limbo since January so why would I put all the effort into us with little to no reciprocation? I have tried to create/make moments and dates between the two of us together, but it is hard to be the only person trying.
Author BrianG Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I have done a lot of reflecting on this thread and realized that by not sharing myself completely and not focusing on the romantic and friendship nature of our relationship is why she broke up with me. I thought that by doing all the things a good bf and father could get us through this together. The foundation was there it just needed work from both sides. The effort to work this out together was mainly coming from me. So where do I go from here? Do I try to communicate my feelings on my mistakes with her. Should I just LET GO as anything I say will probably fall on deaf ears, or will it? Do I just go LC and be cordial in the interaction with picking up and dropping off my child. I cannot be friends with her. Or do I eventually try a friendship with her because of one of the problems she mentioned in our relationship? So confused, but also I know what I want, which is someone that will work through life's problems with me and not bail on things that can be worked on in a relationship.
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