Lipgloss Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 There is this guy I've been seeing on and off for the last 3 years. But half a year ago we decided we would give it a more serious shot and we are now officially dating. We both have very seperate lives since we don't live that close. Which also means we very much have our own friend groups, which isn't a problem with me. But when I asked him if his friends knew about me he told me only the friends that matter know. I guess that's ok, I keep my personal life pretty hidden as well from vague contacts. I know there's a girl that likes him. She spammed his facebook for awhile (thanking him for a nice time, giving him daily weather reports, I thought it was quite flirty), repaired his gloves when they were broken and they used to hang out sometimes. I asked him what was up at the time and he told me it was nothing, ok, if he says so. I didn't really think about it anymore after that and the spamming also stopped. But yesterday when he was here I checked my email and he asked if he could do the same. I was sitting on his lap and didn't really move, I wasn't thinking I would see something that would worry me. And I still don't know if it really should worry me... Anyways, the girl I talked about had send him an email. That's ok, I didn't think anything of it. He opened it and I saw he mentioned to her he was coming to my city. She asked whether he was going there for a girl again and he said no, for friends. So she did know I existed but when I asked him why he said he was coming here for friends this time he said he didn't want her to know everything. I found it a bit of a vague answer. I feel a bit dirty for reading that email even though he was the one that opened it. He told me that the next time I'm coming over he'd make sure to introduce me to some of his friends, I mostly don't have that much time when I come over, 1 to 2 nights because of work, so we prioritize spending time together over drinking with friends. Should this worry me?
DunkinSheek Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Wow. Two very mixed signals. Him opening an email in front of you suggests he has nothing to hide. Him not mentioning, when asked directly, that he was coming to see his "girlfriend" is a flag that something isn't quite kosher. Sounds like he has quite yet accepted the fact that he's off the market, and not willing to advertise it if his feet aren't held to the fire...even if there isn't anything definite going on with this other girl. Unfortunately, he can't have it both ways. Up to you to let him know what the ground rules are if you are "exclusive".
Author Lipgloss Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Yes, It's very mixed which makes it really confusing. I find it a bit of a tough question as to how to come up with these ground rules, I never thought about it before. Exclusiveness was always a logical reaction whenever I've been in a relationship on both sides. And is there really a point? It's not like I can really check whether he lives up to the rules anyways... Should I bring it up? And if so, where should I begin to set these ground rules?
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Just curious; if you've been in a relationship for 6 months now, what is his relationship status on FB? Does he list it as "in a relationship with (your name"? How far apart do the 2 of you live? Maybe you could just have a phone conversation with him (not texting!) to let him know that you're a little confused with him not admitting to this other girl that he's in a relationship and that it was his 'girlfriend' he was going to see...but instead made the "visiting a friend" comment. Tell him it's got you to thinking........where do you stand with him after 6 months....just friends? exclusive monogamous relationship? How does he define it, you feel you have the right to know.
Author Lipgloss Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 We both don't have a relationship status listed on FB, I guess our facebook profiles don't give away that many personal details in general. We live about an hour apart but I work very irregular and long hours as an air hostess so there are periods in which I'm very busy and we don't get to meet that often, ie. the next couple of months because of the summer season. That's why I made sure that the next time we see eachother it'll be for a longer period, 6 days. :-) Anyways, I did have the "where do we stand"-talk with him before and he defined our relationship as exclusive, that is what we agreed upon when we decided to go for it half a year ago. I wouldn't have done it otherwise. He told me he hardly saw the girl anymore and that that was the reason why he didn't tell her and also that she would know if she was a more regular contact, which she isn't. What I meant with exclusiveness earlier is open exclusiveness, as in: you are both happy with the relationship you have and if somebody asks, even if you don't speak to them that much or meet them for the first time, you tell them you are in a relationship. I guess he thinks differently about that but I don't know if it's something you can really demand. In a way his reasoning sounds genuine to me. I get that you don't want your private life on the streets, I can respect that. But I don't know where to draw the line. I don't value FB that much so that would go against my own beliefs and therefore isn't really an option. I also know his regular contacts know about me. His parents don't but he never took anybody home, they are very traditional and taking somebody home is pretty much saying you are serious enough to get married sometime soon, and I can respect that. I trust him and his explanations sound very reasonable to me. Would you worry?
TokyoG33kyGal Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 obviously you are worried. so if i were you, have the "where do we stand" talk again and define it in clear terms.
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