hummingbird Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) hi- I have read a bit here and have to say-- I am sorry to read of the heartache so many are enduring.... it seems so unfair in life to go through. I am writing because a week ago my SO ( long distance by 2 hr drive) ended or R while I was waiting for him to arrive at my house ( we shared weknds together) by email! " I don't love you any more" yet, 2 months ago we were on vacation together and last month he professed his love and life long committment. it is very painful - and frightening...we are both 49 with grown or college age kids.. we have been togehter 2.5 years.. we both went through divorce then a relationship before we met. He hates his ex wife- his ex gf was an alchoholic who cheated on him. 2 years Later we met and well, with me... I loooovvveeed him with all my heart but often struggled with his priorities and sometimes feeling I/our R wasn't at the top of his priorities. I know in part, some of my boundaries that he grew tired of were a challenge for him, but the emotinal abuse I went through with the previous R i had ..hurt me deeply-- but he knew and I believed understood. his reason for ending it was because our interests were to far apart --- it took him almost 3 years to figure out we were diverse?? wtf? i have started on antideppresants and taking sleepng pills and just feel like an empty vacccum of nothingness.. we talked about growing old together.. living together, ...I was going to sell my house..... my life/future has so dramatically been altered and... I am not in my 20s.... how does someone who loves you one day , do this the next? I am absolutely lost in my life right now.... I love him and care so much about him.... I sent him 3 emails a week ago and a letter and have also blocked everything and made NC.. and he may have too but i blocked him immediately from everything..tore up pictures... it was painful and still is... I can't get how we were making love a week before and how life just turned me upside down a week later.. thoughts in my head hurt and make me crazy--- him with other women.. what is he doing? is he pining? will he want me back.. omg................... i wish i could just sledge hammer my brain ... my heart already has been.. Edited May 23, 2011 by hummingbird error
giuliano-3 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 hi- 1) i have started on antideppresants and taking sleepng pills and just feel like an empty vacccum of nothingness.. 2) how does someone who loves you one day , do this the next? 3) I am absolutely lost in my life right now.... I love him and care so much about him.... 4) thoughts in my head hurt and make me crazy--- him with other women.. what is he doing? is he pining? will he want me back -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1) I'm not a doctor but can tell you that I've gone back and forth with these things myself and really don't know if they help or not. The grief is not something to be masked by a drug, to rid yourself of it you must face it head on in all its ugliness. 2) I've asked myself this question often. The only answer I've found is that some people deal with guilt/shame/past demons differently than others. For some, it is easier to forsake the other person in order to have short term bliss with another lover. Usually, however, these people do end up feeling truly horrible for their actions. 3) He is not your life, you are. You are the center of your universe. There are other people to surround yourself with. There are other activities to make you thrive. My grandpa found a new love at the age of 93, it doesn't matter how old you are. 4) This is the toughest one. It takes time to not imagine your ex with other lovers. I had a dream last night about my ex and I being on a remote island having a blast then all of a sudden the guy she cheated on me with came into the picture and she vanished. I haven't seen her in over a year. I wonder if I'll ever stop thinking about her completely. You're not alone in this. As long as you wonder if they will take you back the answer is 'no.' The real question is the other way around, and if the answer is a resounding 'yes' then you're still in the jungle. Stop worrying about the pining (says the guy who worried about it for a year solid). It does no good. You'll never know until you know. And even then when you do know (as I do now) it doesn't help much.
Author hummingbird Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1) I'm not a doctor but can tell you that I've gone back and forth with these things myself and really don't know if they help or not. The grief is not something to be masked by a drug, to rid yourself of it you must face it head on in all its ugliness. 2) I've asked myself this question often. The only answer I've found is that some people deal with guilt/shame/past demons differently than others. For some, it is easier to forsake the other person in order to have short term bliss with another lover. Usually, however, these people do end up feeling truly horrible for their actions. 3) He is not your life, you are. You are the center of your universe. There are other people to surround yourself with. There are other activities to make you thrive. My grandpa found a new love at the age of 93, it doesn't matter how old you are. 4) This is the toughest one. It takes time to not imagine your ex with other lovers. I had a dream last night about my ex and I being on a remote island having a blast then all of a sudden the guy she cheated on me with came into the picture and she vanished. I haven't seen her in over a year. I wonder if I'll ever stop thinking about her completely. You're not alone in this. As long as you wonder if they will take you back the answer is 'no.' The real question is the other way around, and if the answer is a resounding 'yes' then you're still in the jungle. Stop worrying about the pining (says the guy who worried about it for a year solid). It does no good. You'll never know until you know. And even then when you do know (as I do now) it doesn't help much. Giuliano-3 hmmm.. thanks for you wisdom ... and sorry it comes from your own heartbreak... the ugliness of this loss is just so ugly that it rots inside my soul--- yet I have to function as a professional and as a mom to my youngest home from college... it is hard to fall apart like this in front of him... so, aside the meds.. I walk and am trying my damnest to stay afloat. I don't think he did what he did for the momentary bliss of another... that was not his way at all, he'd been cheated on and knew for himself that pain... but he did just "dump" me.... and it seems with such disregard and disresepct.. I truly did give him the best of my heart and self .... I love how you encourage the feelings of my own universe--thank you and that is just sooo swweet about your grandpa... I hope that I have that blessing before I get to 93 the ... knowing and the thinking..you are right, but I don't know how to stop that either...... i guess that makes us human and capable of depth and love and emotion because if we just forgot..... what kind of robots would we be???? what are you doing in your life now a year later????
MissGuided Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Hummingbird I AM so sorry. I have no advice as I am going thru the same thing myself. a man i was totally in love with, we had a great relationship for a year where he lived with me, decided to go back to his wife (his divorce was days away from being final, should never have got involved before divorce. lessson learned there) But I feel your pain and the not knowing what happened, how can he promise the moon and stars one day and go the next? I know my situation is different but the questions are the same. Just wanted to offer you ((((hugs))))
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