My Journal... Trying to move forward!

[confused1989]

Hey all, its been a while since I've posted here but I have been reading a little bit here and there. Just figured I'd start a journal and post here when I need to, but I'm not feeling the need to rush on to this site and make 50,000 posts a day anymore, which is a good sign I think.

 

Anyone who is not familiar with my situation can check my old threads, they contain a lot of information and much of the details that surrounded my relationship and the breakup. I also want to thank everyone who has stuck with me through this whole ordeal. I know some of you have gotten frustrated with me and my posts over time, but each and everyone of you who responded to my threads have helped me in some way.

 

Well my ex and I were supposed to go on that trip to hawaii together at the end of april and that's over with now, she went there and had her fun or whatever and i'm glad that's over with now. It wasn't as hard to deal with after she went, because I wasn't contacting her. I feel like that whole thing made me stronger.

 

Now my ex is away again at a summer camp for 6 weeks, 10 hours away. I think that started 3 weeks ago or so but time has been flying by and I haven't been thinking about it a whole lot. I know the reason she's there (party, meet new people, might have a new guy interest out that way too) and she could have done the course at our school and in our town but of course she is never satisfied with her life for very long and always needs to make changes, she always gets bored with things.

 

For me, I've tried not to make too too many drastic changes. I was thinking about moving away for the summer to work but I decided not to after I realized that the real reason I was wanting to do that was because I wanted to run away from everything and all the pain that I was feeling. Then I realized that I still have to come back in August or September and face my ex and all those issues again, I can't run away from it all because I will be seeing her around our school in September without a doubt.

 

So I decided to stay home for the summer but plan a few trips instead. I'm going away next week on vacation, and I am going to again later on in the summer. I've taken up a few new hobbies, and have met new friends which has been very rewarding.

 

It seems like as the days go by my ex seems further and further in the distance. It's a good feeling but a little scary at the same time. Sometimes I get down on the fact that someone who was such a big part of my life is now gone. Then I have to remind myself of all the bad things and now I question if she was ever in love with me in the first place. I honestly don't even know and NC has made me question whether or not I was even anything special to her at all.

 

I have been NC with my ex since March but have responded maybe once or twice to the 10-15 texts I have received from her since then. I barely said anything when I did respond though, and most of the time I have not been responding. I have not physically seen her since April 20 or so, btu she has contacted me every week or every couple of weeks. I have ignored the last 4 or 5 attempts. She texted me Friday saying "Hey!:)" and I ignored it but it was eating at me for some reason for the next 24 hours, so I decided to respond to her on Saturday night and ask her what was up. I did this because I wanted to see why she keeps reaching out to me, and I was going to remind her that I don't want to be strung along, played, used, basically I don't want her contacting me at all just for an ego stroke.

 

Anyway, I didn't feel set back by responding. It pissed me off though, because guess what? She didn't respond back to me! That made me think that she's still playing games with me. It made me frustrated for a little bit, but oh well, I've come to accept a lot of the things that have happened to us and as I have mentioned I have been starting to realize that maybe she didn't even love me in the beginning based on all of the signs she showed.

 

I am a guy who really likes to solve problems. If there's something wrong with my computer, i'll literally sit there until it's fixed, whether that take hours or days. It doesn't matter what it is.... school problem, a task I'm supposed to finish, anything at all, it's just the way I am. I'm very determined to get to the root of things. That caused me great misery with this girl, because I'll never be able to figure out what happened and what she's really all about, and that's something that was a new feeling to me. I wasn't used to it.

 

I'm getting a bit better with that though, I'm definitely not healed but I feel like she's not on my mind in the same way anymore. She's still in the back of my mind, I don't really know how to explain it.

 

I feel like she's moving on way faster than I am.. and that helps me get over her a little bit easier but at the same time still eats away at my ego from time to time. I'm starting to regain some confidence back though, and not let it bother me as much.

 

Thanks for reading all, i'm going to keep posting here when I feel like it and just updating you with my thoughts and feelings. Hoping to get some followers on this thread.

[fetish]

Hey confused1989,

 

Good on starting a journal. Thought i'd be the first to show your thread some love.

 

You're absolutely right. Changing location or places, or anything trying to run away from the pain will not work. Remember Winston churchill, the only way out of the pain is through it. Whereever you go, your emotions and pain go right with you. Good for sticking it out. Even if you did try to cover it up in the beginning, it will still hit you eventually. My Dad seemed so cool and calm when he and my mom divorced. Starting dating new women and everything. 10 years later, he went over to her brother's house crying saying he lost the love of his life and all.

 

When my ex moved out of our apartment, I really wanted to move out too, but i'm still bounded by a lease since the apartment was under my name. I even wanted to move out of the city. I've goine through extraordinary heartbreaking pain over the last few months and finally starting to feel better. My conversation with an attractive girl this past Saturday at a lounge also helped out alot.

 

Your ex is a pretty selfish person. She's trying to make sure you don't forget about her so you can be there when she needs you again ("Back up"). You've already identified that you're not going to be used, strung along, played. It's always good when you're able to draw boundaries for yourself. Your ex, my ex seems to have no boundaries and that's where trouble finds them. I would say your ex is just young but people rarely change. My ex is grown enough to know better. She's 26 and still acted like a 12 year old at times.

Edited May 23, 2011 by fetish

[confused1989]

Hey fetish thanks for checking in!

 

That's a good quote, and I've been trying to live by quotes like that one. I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to fight through the pain head on, instead of fleeing somewhere. That was the story of our relationship though, i'd want to work through our problems and she'd run away, so i'm not surprised.

 

I'm impressed that you still have that apartment, man that shows a lot of strength. My ex lived with her parents and I had a 2 bedroom apartment with my friend, but there were a lot of memories in my room and stuff that she owned that was still in my room after we broke up. I found it a very depressing place to be, but after a while I did start to feel better too.

 

It's good that you had that conversation. There aren't many attractive girls around in my area, but when I go away on vacation next week I might try to casually talk to a few attractive girls just to get some practice in and get used to it again. I won't be looking for anything to come out of it obviously, but maybe it will be good knowing that as I won't feel any pressure and shouldn't feel down about myself if they turn me down if I ask them to have a dance or anything.

 

My ex is very selfish, and like you say she is young but I don't see her changing anytime soon. She could not accept responsibility for anything during our relationship and put all the blame on me all of the time. The fact that she thinks in 1.5 years she did not make one mistake is pretty telling to me, and if she thinks she's a goddess and perfect then she won't be making any changes since she doesn't feel like anything needs to be changed. I'm starting to see that she's pretty two-faced too.

 

I've been keeping busy lately, things have been going pretty good. Had a pretty good last couple of days, getting excited for my vacation too.

[fetish]

They don't change, unless they have a deep committment to to getting the help they need to doing so. Usually that's after a point of hitting rock bottom and having nothing left, and you gotta know you got too much goin on to stick around for that.

 

Good you're having something to look forward to in going to Boston. Going on a vacation after a break up takes me back to the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where he goes on vacation to clear his head and just get away. Yep, it's time to spoil yourself and live it up. You're young, got your whole life ahead. Your best days are ahead.

 

fetish

[confused1989]

Doing pretty good lately overall. Manned up and deleted her from Facebook on friday after 2 months of debating it and going back and forth over it. I was ignoring her texts for over a month and then I responded to see what she wanted and she ignored me. I thought she'd be contacting me back right away since I hadn't answered her in so long, so she kind of took me by surprise with that one. Then a few days later she's posting a display picture of her cuddling into some new dude's arms, while he posts the same picture as his display picture. That ate me up a bit and I found it kind of strange that she'd post something like that a few days after I finally responded and she ignored me. I guess it got to me a little bit more because she never puts a display picture of her and another guy, she barely had any of me and her, it's always her and her girl friends.

 

Anyway I felt good about deleting her because I don't want to be seeing that stuff. She posts way too much stuff on her Facebook, tons of statuses and tons of pictures. It took her a couple of days to text me and she said "Not sure why you felt the need to do that... hahahahahhahaha anyway hope you're doing well." and I felt like she was taunting me or something, I don't know. She made me feel bad about deleting her although I know those feelings will fade.

 

Going on vacation in 2 days from now. Looking forward to getting away and having some fun as it was just a month ago that my ex left for hawaii and kicked me out of going on that trip with her that we had originally had booked to go on together.

 

The main thing is that as the days go on I find my memories of her are fading. It's only been about 6 weeks or so since I saw her last (kept bumping into her at school) so I definitely know at this point that eventually I'll be moved on from her, which is a good feeling.