Why is it so hard for me to meet people?

[Mrlonelyone]

This is as much a question as it is a rant.

 

I have tried all of the usual advice so I need some unusual advice.

 

My problem it seems is as a transman (female to male) put it at an event last week.

 

"Who can we date? Straight men and women worry that liking us makes them gay, gay men and women worry that liking us makes them straight."

 

I would add.... plenty of people look at folks like me as perhaps matterial for a fling or "adventure" without any regard for our feelings. I know some transwomen (male to female) who have pretty much gave up on "love" and just get their sexual needs met through selling it. "Since men use use for their kinks anyway we might as well use them."

 

 

The same goes for my race as well. Black people and Amerindian alike have this phenomena where someone may think of a tryst with one of us as merely something to check off their list.

 

 

I have tried all manner of social events, meet ups, outings, looking at my school (90% of the people there are off limits for ethical reasons.).

 

I have tried limiting myself to other scientist.

 

I have tried broadening myself to musicians.

 

I have tired tried and tried trying to the hilt.

 

I have tried behaving in a more heteronormative way.

I have tried behaving in a more homonormative way.

 

 

I have tried not trying.

 

Can anyone give me a truly unique piece of advice something new I can try?

[Mrlonelyone]

Ookay... how about a reply that's not spam.

[Mme. Chaucer]

This is as much a question as it is a rant.

 

I have tried all of the usual advice so I need some unusual advice.

 

My problem it seems is as a transman (female to male) put it at an event last week.

 

"Who can we date? Straight men and women worry that liking us makes them gay, gay men and women worry that liking us makes them straight."

 

Please help me get clarification - you are a female to male transgendered person? Is this correct? I'm confused now, as you said in the past here that you have fathered a child.

 

As you know, anyway, being "different" than the societal "norm" makes the pool of people who are going to be interested, accepting, and compatible is a lot, lot smaller than it is for the "normal." That's just the way it is. And certainly people with gender "differences" are frequently targeted by fetishists. Another hurdle.

 

Still, there are people who are going to accept you and like you.

 

Stick to "alternative" crowds if you can, where you'll find a lot more open minded folks (who are not going to "worry" about whether they seem "gay" or "straight" based upon whom they are dating) as well as others like yourself.

 

The same goes for my race as well. Black people and Amerindian alike have this phenomena where someone may think of a tryst with one of us as merely something to check off their list.

 

That's a problem with YOUR perception. There are lots of Black people here on LS (not to mention in the actual world) who are dating up a storm.

 

You do seem to have a penchant for attributing all of your interpersonal woes upon outside forces. Have you ever considered that you may have characteristics just in your PERSONALITY (not because of your gender, race, "genius," etc.) that are pushing people away from you?

 

Those types of things can be worked on, if a person is willing to take an honest look at themselves.

[carhill]

IMO, a healthy partner will be accepting of how you gender-identify and express your sexual preference and identity. The key isn't in the details but rather acceptance of your humanity as a sum total, rather than dissecting the parts. That ability and quality lays within a compatible partner.

 

Where to meet a potential?

 

I'd say use your intellect and skills to create a lifestyle for yourself which opens up the maximum possibilities. Make the world your city. Use your profession to open doors to new and undiscovered cultures and experiences. Focus on the humanity around you. Within that realm will come at least one compatible potential. The other part is what do you do if/when you meet him or her. Success is where *preparation* and opportunity meet.

 

From reading your posts, I see you as a polarized data point along a continuum which affects us all in greater to lesser degrees. A signpost, if you will. Each sign has information. What we do with that information (example: what can I learn from your experiences?) defines new and unique potentials for each of us.

 

I recall, having been attracted to a transgender male (male to female), interestingly, she found me to be too effeminate for her taste as a man to be attracted. She (even though she was once a he) desired a more 'masculine' man. I found that to be a fascinating experience and didn't feel demeaned at all by her rejection. The key? Acceptance. The lesson: It's a big wide world of humanity out there. If not for choices I had made, I would never have met her and learned that great lesson. It, in some ways, impelled a journey to discover that humanity which did begin shortly after that encounter and continues to this day within my passion for travel.

 

Where will your passion take you?

[Mrlonelyone]

Please help me get clarification - you are a female to male transgendered person? Is this correct? I'm confused now, as you said in the past here that you have fathered a child.

 

Male to female.

 

As you know, anyway, being "different" than the societal "norm" makes the pool of people who are going to be interested, accepting, and compatible is a lot, lot smaller than it is for the "normal." That's just the way it is. And certainly people with gender "differences" are frequently targeted by fetishists. Another hurdle.

 

Still, there are people who are going to accept you and like you.

 

Thanks.

 

Stick to "alternative" crowds if you can, where you'll find a lot more open minded folks (who are not going to "worry" about whether they seem "gay" or "straight" based upon whom they are dating) as well as others like yourself.

 

Thanks I have tried that. "Alernative" crowd people still have identity issues just like straight arrows do.

 

The last couple people I wrote on here about were alternative in many ways. (Those being the mother and the operaist).

 

Gay people also have their issues with transgender people. You wouldn't be the first person to think a gay man would be ok with a transwoman... they aren't.

 

That's a problem with YOUR perception. There are lots of Black people here on LS (not to mention in the actual world) who are dating up a storm.

 

I never said that black people couldn't date.

 

I said that much like transgender folks there are plenty of people who see us as a fetish object.

 

You do seem to have a penchant for attributing all of your interpersonal woes upon outside forces. Have you ever considered that you may have characteristics just in your PERSONALITY (not because of your gender, race, "genius," etc.) that are pushing people away from you?

 

Those types of things can be worked on, if a person is willing to take an honest look at themselves.

 

I didn't attribute my woes to outside forces.

 

As for my "genius". Yes I do think if I was a nail artist or did hair and fit the mold that society has for transgender women of color I would get more dates.

 

 

Smart women get a bum rap in the dating world. Just read the many threads here by women who want a smarter man and men who want a less educated woman.

 

Now how about some adivce from someone without an axe to grind against me here?

[cerridwen]

M, is it a geographical thing? I'm in San Francisco and honestly wonder if you'd encounter as much difficulty here.

[Mrlonelyone]

Sorry I didn't notice your reply earlier carhill.

 

Yes what you say is very true. It's just hard to keep going when I see one person after the other turn up their nose essentially because I am not normative. Not because of anything in particular I do but the whole package.

 

As for that TS rejecting you for not being "masculine" enough. Surprisingly some TS's can have old fashioned ideas about gender and enforce those ideas on themselves and others.

@Cerridwen

 

I think it would be the same. San fran is gay friendly that does not equal being transgender friendly.

 

Many people mistake the two things.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, the bottom line is always self-acceptance. You really can't blame other people for "liking what they like" as far as potential mates are concerned. It's not always the case that they are closed minded or bigoted.

 

I truly believe that it's the duty of each one of us to work to become the best person we can be ... to try to be happy with ourselves, to be as accountable and responsible for our own state of mind and quality of life as we can possibly be. People like that are magnetic.

 

Some of us are going to have challenges finding partners; for others it's easy. Some of us are going to be alone.

 

For the record, I know several transgendered people as well as lots of folks who are trying to banish the idea of gender from many areas of daily life, for example, in language. One woman (who used to be a man) who I know very well just got out of a 12 year relationship (with another woman). It's happening.

[utterer of lies]

Can anyone give me a truly unique piece of advice something new I can try?

 

 

I have to admit that I could not date a transgendered person. I think about it and get these (irrational? normal?) feelings of disgust.

 

 

An issue that you didn't really talk about is identity. Who are you? Many transgender people have a broken sense of identity, an inherent instability which makes everything and especially relationships even harder. Add to that the greatly diminished pool of partner candidates ...yeah, sucks to be you. Still, may I ask you some questions?

 

Why did you call yourself Mrlonelyone if you identify as female?

 

Do you think you can be happy being a female for the rest of your life?

 

Are you looking for a male or female partner?

[Mrlonelyone]

Thanks for asking useful questions utterer. This disproves what some people write about you only insulting people.

 

Your perception that transgender people have an unstable sense of identity is not surprising since being a boy or girl is one of the things people use to define who they are from a young age. It would be hard for you to immagine another option.

 

 

I don't identify as female. If someone really wants to get into it I identify as a "two-spirit" Such is what American Indians call people like me. I am neither male nor female. Neither of those binary roles fits me and people like me just right. Every culture has people like me and calls us different things.

 

 

See the answer just preceeding this one.

 

 

I am looking for a partner that I can get along with, have fun with, share life with, they can be male or female I really don't care.

 

At this transgender event I went to last week one of the speakers was a MTF transwoman who though they have HIV is married and has children. I do belive they married and had kids after having been out as a transwoman for a good long while too. (The thought of that must make all the more "normal" guys here who just can't get any feel even worse :/ )

[Mrlonelyone]

Thanks for asking useful questions utterer. This disproves what some people write about you only insulting people.

 

Your perception that transgender people have an unstable sense of identity is not surprising since being a boy or girl is one of the things people use to define who they are from a young age. It would be hard for you to immagine another option.

 

 

I don't identify as female. If someone really wants to get into it I identify as a "two-spirit" Such is what American Indians call people like me. I am neither male nor female. Neither of those binary roles fits me and people like me just right. Every culture has people like me and calls us different things.

 

 

See the answer just preceeding this one.

 

 

I am looking for a partner that I can get along with, have fun with, share life with, they can be male or female I really don't care.

 

At this transgender event I went to last week one of the speakers was a MTF transwoman who though they have HIV is married to a woman and has biological children. I do belive they married and had kids after having been out as a transwoman for a good long while too. (The thought of that must make all the more "normal" guys here who just can't get any feel even worse :/ )

[utterer of lies]

Thanks for asking useful questions utterer. This disproves what some people write about you only insulting people.

 

Your perception that transgender people have an unstable sense of identity is not surprising since being a boy or girl is one of the things people use to define who they are from a young age. It would be hard for you to immagine another option.

 

An ex-gf of mine had lots of friends in the gay-scene, and one of her co-workers was female-to-male. When I first got to know him, he was still all female, living together with his girlfriend, but had already started the process. He's the only transgender person I know in real life. After three years, he had grown a beard (and done some operations, I'm not sure what exactly).

 

He was often depressed and is probably the reason I have this image.

 

I don't identify as female. If someone really wants to get into it I identify as a "two-spirit" Such is what American Indians call people like me. I am neither male nor female. Neither of those binary roles fits me and people like me just right. Every culture has people like me and calls us different things.

 

But you are male, even if you don't identify with it.

 

I am looking for a partner that I can get along with, have fun with, share life with, they can be male or female I really don't care.

 

Did you ever have a longer functioning relationship with either gender?

[Mrlonelyone]

But I am male? Am I?

 

I am male enough to reproduce but ... even without my doing anything I have the secondary sexual characteristics of a female.

 

Physically, and psychologically there are a number of variations that two labels don't catch. Granted these aren't a huge number of people.

[OliveOyl]

I thought recently you were representing yourself as male. You had a male avatar up.

 

Did you recently decide to switch to representing/identifying yourself as female?

 

Do you find your sense of identity shifting frequently, or is it stable but just different than the norm? My thought is if it's shifting frequently then perhaps that is part of the issue... as your identity changes so are the kinds of people you are possibly attracting.

[Cee]

Alright, I will try to give you unique advice.

 

You are isolating yourself because you are suffering from "terminal uniqueness." You think of yourself as TOO everything - and cannot fit into any circle.

 

The truth is all of us are unique. And we think no one will love us because we are different. But eventually, some person wanders by who likes us. I suggest that you increase your chances and get involved in networks of people who are most likely to take you seriously as a dating partner.

 

Yeah, I agree that you've got to get away from the straights of the world. And I don't mean the heteros, but the "normies."

 

I know of one community that has the most awesome people ever. The Radical Faeries. I suggest you join the Faeries for friendship first. And then see where that leads. There are a lot of gatherings and I know in my city, the Faeries get together constantly and are a close knit network of men who are extraordinary. It's an international movement as I see it.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_Faeries

 

Get in with these people, if you aren't already. You might not find the love of your life, but you will discover the best friends you've ever had.

 

There, advice that you might find helpful.

[Mrlonelyone]

Thankyou for trying Cee but I don't "isolate myself".

 

I get out there socialize and mix it up in all kinds of ways many of which I have written about on here in the last five or six months.

 

I think you got that idea from when I wrote about the kind of isolation that many gifted children and adults experience. Which is in a way not that different from the isolation that a very rich or successful person would experience.

 

I'm not going to sweat people who are putt off by what I do or (am studying to do by actually doing it at this point.) Anyone who hears "I am a scientist" and thinks I am too smart or arrogant for thinking I know something better than what's in the bible or whatever can go to hell.

[Mrlonelyone]

I thought recently you were representing yourself as male. You had a male avatar up.

 

Did you recently decide to switch to representing/identifying yourself as female?

 

Try to uderstand. I REPRESENT MYSELF AS BOTH. All the time.

 

This is not the first time I wrote about this here by any means I even mentionied in my OK Cupid profile which has gotten me dates.

 

Do you find your sense of identity shifting frequently, or is it stable but just different than the norm? My thought is if it's shifting frequently then perhaps that is part of the issue... as your identity changes so are the kinds of people you are possibly attracting.

 

I don't shift frequently. I haven't shifted at all. I am a bisexual and bigendered person I mentioned this here a long long time ago.

[Mrlonelyone]

One more thing. I am not the only transperson to notice what I have noticed.

 

In many cultures trickster gods such as Loki have assumed gender-bending forms, often in order to seduce somebody. This, too, exposes another cis fear– that we will “trick” them into having sex with us, thus “sullying” their heterosexuality (or homosexuality, for that matter). This is another way that cis people think we can harm them by our very existence– because what if they should find some of us attractive? (The horror!) I have to wonder why the prospect of feeling attraction for, having sex with, or falling in love with a transgender person is so terrifying. Apparently, our sexualities are just that dangerous and threatening, so much so that cis people who experience attraction to trans folks have felt justified in murdering us, and courts have accepted their “trans panic” defenses without blinking.

[utterer of lies]

Loki story about reactions

 

But this repulsion is a natural reaction, similar to the uncanny valley effect. Something is 'wrong', people notice, and you get a primal response.

[Mrlonelyone]

That's not true. If it were then EVERYONE would react that way and not everyone does.

[utterer of lies]

That's not true. If it were then EVERYONE would react that way and not everyone does.

 

I'm pretty sure the majority does. Its just an instinctive reaction, I don't doubt with the proper conditioning / imprinting you can make it go away, or surpress it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

You are isolating yourself because you are suffering from "terminal uniqueness." You think of yourself as TOO everything - and cannot fit into any circle.

 

MrLonely:

 

Thankyou for trying Cee but I don't "isolate myself".

 

Well, MrLonely, maybe you don't isolate yourself physically. If you represent yourself and your life honestly here, though, you DO isolate yourself due to "terminal uniqueness" just as Cee says.

 

Deny that if you wish, but what counts here is the perception of other people, since you are posting about your wish to meet other people.

 

You present as extremely preoccupied with the myriad of qualities (physically, sexually, intellectually, racially) that make you different ... WAY MORE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE - than other people. It's consistent. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, but it is not attractive to other people, whatever its root cause.

 

If you want to have others close to you in life, you are going to have to embrace the commonalities.

 

Certainly you have outstanding differences from the mainstream of American people. That's just the way it is. Focussing on them (even obsessively) is not helping you in your quest to meet people.

 

What Cee says, "everyone is unique," is true.

[Cee]

Thankyou for trying Cee but I don't "isolate myself".

 

I get out there socialize and mix it up in all kinds of ways many of which I have written about on here in the last five or six months.

 

I think you got that idea from when I wrote about the kind of isolation that many gifted children and adults experience. Which is in a way not that different from the isolation that a very rich or successful person would experience.

 

I completely agree and that's precisely what I meant. I have a high IQ and also cursed with being socially awkward and painfully shy. I experienced a great deal of loneliness and unhappiness for many years. It didn't help that my mother ridiculed my intelligence and was emotionally and physically abusive. Took a lot of therapy, but I'm happy and love myself. I was pointing out that you must not let your gifts isolate or depress you.

 

I still fall into the trap of isolation. I'll be at a party and think I'm too different and clam up. I didn't think I'd meet anyone because I was undesired due to my age, politics, dislike of children, etc, etc. Truth was that it's really hard to meet someone right for us. Very hard. Some people say it's easy, but watch and wait. They may be single after a time.

[Dust]

I always thought you were into girls. I also never realized you were transgender. Your post did come off as having a feminine touch but to be honest I see that in most guys around here especially the ones claiming to be scientist.

 

You’re a unique person so of course the majority of people are going to give you trouble. The person happy with an average existence is more cursed then blessed. Be happy to have the strength and energy to pursue the life you want.

 

I don’t have any advice for you other then enjoying the game. Don’t make life about the end result.

[utterer of lies]

Your post did come off as having a feminine touch but to be honest I see that in most guys around here especially the ones claiming to be scientist.

 

What the fûck?