CharleyC Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I met this guy on a dating site a couple of months ago. I actually spotted him as he was someone I had already known before in my last job so I had sent him an email about the coincidence that we were both on the site and we hit it off pretty quick. I always thought very highly of him, he was always very professional and friendly. We started seeing eachother almost immediately, and he initiated it. Things moved quickly, probably quicker than they should have, but he was interested and I was happy to finally find a man that I was attracted to that was interested in me in the same way that I could potentially build a future with. There was a lot of talking, we spent a lot of time together over a two-week period and things moved rather quickly. We did speak of the break-up with his girlfriend but that he wanted to move on with his life. But I did know from the start that he was still dealing with that and I said let's just be friends, because I still loved being around him and we just hit it off mentally, emotionally etc. and from my perspective, and we were very sexually attracted to eachother. On the second weekend, it kicked out of gear of the friendship thing again but he seemed very intune with what was happening between us and seemed comfortable. I knew we weren't exclusive but I figured we were moving towards that. The next day after that weekend I didn't hear from him. I texted him and he said he wasn't feeling well and that we would talke tomorrow. We ended up talking and long story short our whole being together threw him for a loop, he started thinking about his ex-girlfriend, tried a desperate call to get back with her, which didn't work, and what he was trying to tell me is that he felt guilty that he tried to force love where there was only friendship, and that he got "carried away" Yes it hurt but I was wanting to keep the friendship, we had discussed so much, I had shared so much and he had seemed sincerely interested in who I was, and I thought if anything, he liked me, not liked me sexually, but liked me, that I could be considered one of his friends. I attempted to ask him a couple of times to do something like go to the beach like we had done before, go have a drink, whatever and at first he would say maybe and then an email would come through with a reason why he couldn't. So I completely stopped contact unless he contacted me. Just Wednesday out of the blue he just texted and said, "hey how are you" and then proceeded to tell me some minor detail about his job. I texted back, "good to hear from you" and then no response. So I have stopped, but I am really having a problem with the discarded part. I feel discarded. I know I shouldn't wait for any man and I know it was only 3 weeks of real time spent with this guy, but it really meant a lot. We really clicked--I thought we did. And like I said, he wasn't a stranger, he was already someone I had known, and thought very much of. I totally understand the rebound thing--I do. I just don't know why the rest of us can't be salvaged and I really wonder: does he think of this? Does he think of me? Or did he just move on and forget about me. There is a book on relationships that talks about men being like rubberbands, that when they get close to a woman in the uncertainty phase that they pull away, but spring back later. I don't know if we had enough of a relationship for that to happen. All I know is for sure the relationship with the ex is not an option. She has moved on. And so does he. I really would like a guy's input. The older I get the more I don't understand them.
nana841121 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Don't let anyone damage your self-esteem.Nobody has that right self-pity happens to everybody, we are no big different from each other don't let your imagination get you. give it a time, and always try your best to be a good person sounds boilerplate, but it is the best way to live.
Author CharleyC Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Thank you. I am usually one of high self esteem. And I know he is pretty well known in the community, always been a nice guy, friendly and all, so the fact that he has shunned me makes me feel like I am not good enough. I know that is not true, I know that is not how I should allow anyone to make me feel, but I started thinking that I wasn't good enough for him. As wrong as that is, sometimes you can't help the way you feel.
nana841121 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 One of my exes was always judging me, while in a hindsight ,he was just intimidated by me. everybody knows i am out of his league. barking dogs don't bite.
Ajax Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Sorry this happened to you, Charley. How long had he been broken up with his ex? I know how it is when you feel you're developing a deep connection with someone, only to have the rug pulled out from under you. When my ex left me I felt like a toy that she'd gotten bored with and tossed away. I get it. I think you realize though that this is an issue with him and not necessarily something you could have done anything about. But right now he's going through something and the closer you stay to him the more you're going to get hurt. He's quite clearly not over his ex yet, and that makes him radioactive for the time being. He's unstable. He might reach out to you for support, but it's more out of desperation than anything else. That's not to say that he could never have been a good match for you, but you can't build a relationship while he's still cleaning up the wreckage from the last. And now he has done damage to your relationship as well. He's hurt you, desrespected you, and damaged his reputation in your eyes. That's not easy to come back from. My two cents is that you need to take care of yourself first, and give him a wide latitude. Stay clear of him until he puts himself back together, but by no means wait around for him. Who knows, you might even meet someone else and have just as goo a connection!
Author CharleyC Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Thanks Ajax--we connected about the first week of April, by the end of April, this all started to unravel. We talked a bit in May, but it is only little texts and like I said, I am not going to initiate anything. But I do think it is wierd that last Wednesday he texted to say hi, but had nothing to say after I texted back. So who know if he is going to be texting once a week or now he will stop, who knows. But yeah, that was the timing of it--April romance, over in May
radiodarcy Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) wow! your situation sounds very similar to mine! i got involved with a guy i worked with. he pursued me. he would call/text/IM me several times a day; ask me to hang out every weekend. things moved very fast. and then after about two months. nothing. no more invitations to hang out. he stopped logging into IM and wouldn't return my texts/phone calls. i sent him an email asking what was going on and he replied saying that he was depressed, he wasn't ready for this, and he only wanted to be friends. like you, i was only too happy to be friends. but unfortunately it wound up being a friends with benefits situation that lasted for two and half years; with me always wanting and asking for more. but he refused to give it to me; saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. eventually he cut off the benefits part saying he just wanted to be friends. but that didnt work because he started talking about dating other people and wanting to find the one. listening to him talk about giving the relationship i had wanted to have with him, to someone else hurt so much i couldn't take it anymore, so i cut off the friendship and went NC. i know too well that discarded feeling. and even though i know i shouldn't take his treatment of me personally, for along time it made me feel like i was a failure as a human being -- like i wasnt good enough for him to be considered in that league. i've been in NC for close to three months now. and even though i still think about him a lot - - i am feeling much better. i see things more clearly now and i realize that being friends with someone i love (and probably always will love) simply isn't an option. it hurts too much and it keeps me from moving on and doing what's best for me. this board has been a godsend in terms of helping me getting my emotions out and relating to other people. you made the right decision in refraining from contacting him. it's like a friend of mine said, once you go past friends, you can never go back. and i think your ex is realizing that as well. just keep doing what your doing and continue to post here - - it really does help. Edited May 23, 2011 by radiodarcy
D-Lish Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I think he was making a conscious decision to not get involved in a rebound relationship knowing he's not fully over his ex. As much as that hurts- don't take it as a personal rejection. He could have gone with the flow and jumped into something- but if he wasn't ready, you would have ended up getting deeply hurt. It sucks to meet someone when the timing isn't right- but be thankful he didn't carry on with you for a few months before coming to this conclusion. You would have been much more invested by then, and it would have been much more painful to deal with later rather than sooner. You deserve to be with someone that is 100% about you. He's not capable of giving you this given his unresolved feelings for his ex. I'm sorry about your situation, but I think you have to let him go completely and go full NC.
Author CharleyC Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Thanks Darcy. Yes you are right, very similar. I still secretly hope that he would get act together, because I know in the end that he is looking for a relationship. I know he wants a relationship and if he could have had one without flipping out about the ex--he would have. So knowing that, I keep hoping that he will think of me in the future, and pursue it again. And I know, don't keep my hopes up and be open to anything that may come my way. All I know is I experienced a connection that I feel I have never felt quite like that, it was the mental connection even more than the physical. And if not him, I hope I can find that again. After a nightmare marriage that seemed to be a waste of 10 years for me, and me being 48, it is getting disheartening, waiting for Mr. Right.
Author CharleyC Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I picture 2 people spending all this time together, and it didn't appear like anyone was faking anything and yet the negating of all contact. If he were to call or text, I would respond. But he's not. And we are still FB friends and he can see when I am on and yet, there is no contact, he's not initiating anything. All I can picture is a person perfectly satisfied to go about their life, fine with everything and I am left here feeling like ****. I don't know why this particular person/situation is hitting me so hard. I wish I could just understand or just see that he is screwed up and maybe I would understand, but all I can see in my mind is a person that has went along with their life, probably looking for their next g/f and hasn't had another thought about me.
radiodarcy Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 hey Charley. i sort of know how you feel. i've never been married but at 35 i am a late bloomer and only started dating two years ago. and even though i know it's not too late (nor is it too late for you, either! ) it's so disheartening to have to go through the rigamarole of getting back out there and dating again. especially when you already felt that you *did* find "the one" only - - they didn't feel the same about you . unfortunately, there's not much we can do in the manner, our exes have moved on and as much as it hurts to see them do so, we have to do the same. i would strongly suggest you remove and even block him from your friends list on facebook. this way you won't be tempted to look at his page and see what he's up to. either that or don't look at all. i deleted my ex from my facebook but then i found that i could still see his wall posts. so i simply stopped looking at his page. believe it or not - - not looking was easier than it sounds. because i knew that if i were to look at his wall, it would only make me feel terrible. simply put - - there is absolutely no redeeming value in continuing to be a part of someone's life when they no longer wish to be part of ours. just preserve your dignity and go NC (no contact). it will take time but it will get better...
Graceful Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Sometimes, your unfulfilled hopes and dreams, hopes cut short, and people who turn out to be huge disappointments in life, no matter if they're in your life for 3 weeks or 3 years, can be crushing. That's what you're feeling, is this huge letdown b/c this guy just did not turn out to be what he seemed to be. Was he faking? I doubt it. But was he prepared to get launched into a LTR? I doubt that, too. He just wasn't prepared PERIOD. He didn't THINK period. He didn't think about your feelings, he just tried to live in the moment, and that came at a cost for you. How could you have known? You could not have known. He was selfish. He didn't know he still had feelings for his ex? I doubt that, too. If he was testing the waters, he should not have come on so strong. But what's done is done. He's not in any condition for a relationship, apparently, so good riddance, you know? You need to just cut this one loose. Even if he contacted you, what would it mean? You'd just be friend-zoned and that's not what you want. And what he did was not okay, so why should you be his friend after he's hurt you and walked away? Time to cut this one loose, throw him back in the water, but don't get discouraged. It's nice that he showed you that you are capable of those feelings of attraction, and to me, that's a hopeful sign for you. Take care. I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I picture 2 people spending all this time together, and it didn't appear like anyone was faking anything and yet the negating of all contact. If he were to call or text, I would respond. But he's not. And we are still FB friends and he can see when I am on and yet, there is no contact, he's not initiating anything. All I can picture is a person perfectly satisfied to go about their life, fine with everything and I am left here feeling like ****. I don't know why this particular person/situation is hitting me so hard. I wish I could just understand or just see that he is screwed up and maybe I would understand, but all I can see in my mind is a person that has went along with their life, probably looking for their next g/f and hasn't had another thought about me.
Author CharleyC Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Appreciate the last two comments. I agree with both of you and the NC. That is what I am doing. Part of me wants to tell him how much he has hurt me, but I know better, and that is not what should be done. I am most bothered by the fact that this guy was someone who knew me from the past--someone who I worked with indirectly and we had a certain level of respect for eachother. I think a lot of that brought us together when we both realized we were both single. We saw eachother on a dating site and we had the work history in common so we had common topics to discuss. It didn't appear he was faking all of that. I remember one day we were on the beach and he was just staring at me and I said, "what are you staring at?" and he said "You're so beautiful"--so what the hell is that? Doesn't make any sense and it doesn't make sense that he took a person he knew and now because of all of this, and the need to do NC--which I understand, there is no benefit in me contacting him--that I will probably never talk to this person again. Just venting everyone--I know it was a very short period of time with him--so don't know why I am so bothered with it, other than the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach is the feeling like you lost your best friend, although I know that is a gradiosus throught since he was not my best friend, but the times we did spend together, seemed like we were so close, and then the rug is pulled up from under me.
Beeotch Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 You have every right to feel discarded; because you were. This situation, the beginning of it, sounds like a similar situation I have been in. The first red flag is when things move too fast! You pretty much admit that you realized it to be strange...and so did I when I was in such a situation but brushed it aside against my better judgment and then wanted to kick myself later when things came crashing down and ALL the signs had been there. This man is emotionally unavailable to you, as he is still hung up on his ex. He fast forwarded your relationship as many rebound scenarios go so that he could gain back that level of comfort he missed with the ex. That feeling of "connection" is there no doubt, but doesn't mean what we think often. I too felt that same connection (part of it was chemistry as well as what I now recognize as the ex fitting a certain pattern of men that I date, which is the feeling of familiarity, but not for a good reason). Likewise, the ex and I dated for only 4 months but it felt like so much longer and took a lot out of me to get over. That relationship was an important lesson for me though. Sorry for your pain and hurt. I know the feeling. I strongly believe we do attract people that fit something about ourselves that we need to learn and realize, so I think you should explore that. Knowing something intellectually and really undoing certain behavior and feelings are so different. You're right to leave that man alone. Accept that he is going through his own mess and unfortunately used you in the process. But you can move forward from that and learn to take things SLOWLY with someone, and be suspicious of things moving too quickly and not get carried away by emotions. Keep your eyes and ears open and listen to yourself. The man who wants you and who is not shady or rushing to get over his ex will have no problems taking things slowly and making the decision to be committed, a thought out one, likewise, so should you.
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