TJLakewood Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 As I've said... I don't want to state the things that she has done, but just know that she hasn't been the innocent person that you think. I will not put her business out there in that manner however you asked her a few posts back pretty much if she did the same thing would I move on... it happened much much more recently than two months ago. She's not the only one with trust issues here... hince the reason I found out about this post because I've needed to check up on her history. The only difference between her and I is that I own up to everything that I've done being my stupidity. She wants to go to MC so that she can find out the cause of me doing these things, but she already knows. Yes it's partially that ego boost and I keep telling her that. Do you know how emotionally draining it is when you try to love someone putting in all this effort only to feel rejected and used for sex? The only time that she's close to me is when she "wants some"... and it's not about that. Why can't we just cuddle on the couch? Instead she sits on the other side. Then when she wants some, she comes to me, gets it, and carries on as though I don't exist. That's emotionally draining. So I filled that void... wrong by doing it... heck yes. That's all I want her to understand but no matter how many times that I've stated that, there's been no effort from her part. Except as I stated... these past two weeks... just after I've forgiven her for her wrong doing which was in fact worse than what she found on me from 5 months ago. I moved past it in one day... attempted once again to fix this broked marriage. Could have worked this time too... I'm sure of it. Ruined now though... she found what she was looking for.
TJLakewood Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 The only different between her and I is that she's given up hope as you stated and realize. I could have easily given up hope as well but I refuse to. I want her to be the woman that I once dated... and she wants me to be a particular man. I make changes to try to become that, and she rejects my changes. I show her the love that she wants to feel and she rejects it. I don't feel what I want to feel but still attempt to give her the sex that she wants... she's fine with that part. Then I get sick of our relationship being one sided and filled that void while she attempts to do the same because my sex drive is now turned off. THen we're back at square one. This is not a one sided issue... my side isn't out there but there's more to it than just a cheating husband. There's more of a jacked up marriage that simply needs to be fixed and only one person progressing in the mix of those changes that we discuss. I guess you all are right though... she should just leave me because there's no way for me to fix it if she doesn't put in her effort. As I stated before, there's only been one time that she actually put in the effort that I needed... the past two weeks. In the meantime however she's still looking for a way out.
Author MistyBryant Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Why was I having those types of conversations with my friend?.. I don'tknow. I do know that I didn't mean what I was saying. The same way that twoyears ago when I wanted away from reality I didn't mean what I was saying tothose females. I wasn't expressing feelings to anyone, I was just simplystating what I wish I felt for my wife I guess. We've always had theseconversations about how we wanted to be a better couple... well usually mesaying that's what I want while she says things like "people aren'tsupposed to be married" and "I don't believe in love" or"why are we even married" based off of things that she watches on TV.We've never put action into it until two weeks ago and things had changed dramatically. You expressing how you feel to other women is a problem. Then what is even worse is you claim you don't know why you do it. What you fail to realize is that you pull away too. You make it seem like you are the one who is always trying while I'm the one who is always pulling away. When I don't respond the way you want me to when you do or say something you get your fullfilment some where else. You hurt me in more ways than one and you expect me to forget everything and act like we are a brand new couple. It's hard to do that. Maybe you can but I can't. We try to make changes but then you do things to make me think that you are not changing. Just cuddling on the couch is not going to make me feel better.The stuff you say to those girls are the things that should have been telling me. That would help me in trusting you again. Did you even read the other forums? You wrote what you wrote hoping someone was going to be on your side and from what i read it didn't work. I'm not trying to say that they are on my side but from hearing your side of the story they still think you need help. These people have been telling you basically the same thing that I have been telling you for years and still you are trying to say that it is my fault you did what you did. You are still trying to blame me for every wrong doing that you did. I blamed myself for some of them but not all, you are trying to blame me for all and that's not fair. You don't know why you did what you did but you do know that it is my fault...that's not fair and it hurts.
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 She didn't make you cheat and do those things, get ego strokes from other women. Sure, she had a helping hand in the demise of your marriage, problems etc., but that isn't a reason or justification to cheat. That's on you, not her. For you, (or anyone who looks outside of the marriage) it was just easier and less hassel to go else where.
Spark1111 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Misty and TJ....you are at a crossroads here. What do you want from each other? Do you truly, truly love each other? Please search and search to find a GOOD MC, one that specializes in infidelity. Give it three sessions. You BOTH have to click with the person. IF not, find another until you BOTH do. MC is not easy, if you choose to go. The marriage is the client, and since there is no perfect marriage, both may take a turn in the hot seat, so to speak. TJ, before other issues can be addressed, the infidelities have to be dealt with, period. THey have to come off the table first. There is NO JUSTIFICATION for getting your needs met outside the marriage. Try to fix your relationship, or walk away from it. A good MC can help with both choices. Good luck to both of you! Keep writing to each other, either here or privately. I know for my H and I, it was a good way to communicate all we were feeling.
Spark1111 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 PS: It takes 3 to 5 years to overcome a breech of trust, even an ILY from another woman. That is, if one partner is truly remorseful and both are doing everything right. TJ, as long as you are not remorseful, there is no recovery to even begin. Saying I'm sorry.....but you made me do it...is not sincerely remorseful. I, too, would be hesitant to trust you AGAIN, with my heart. You have to SHOW her, everyday, that you are a man she can trust; to meet HER needs, cherish her, put her first, be faithful. You will have to GIVE a lot more than you can expect to GET for a long time until she feels safe with you. And that includes stopping the blame right now.
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I just found out that my husband has been telling is best female friend that he loves her. I'm not talking about the whole I love you like a sister love, no it's the we should be together love. He even told her that he loved her more than me, his wife. We talked about it and he claims he was just bullsh**ing her and that he will stop talking to her. He also claims that he has not had sex with her ever. We have been trying to work on our marriage because of the infidelity in the past. So, he leaves his phone to prove that he is trying to stay faithful. I looked through his phone and found conversations between him, her, and their confessions of how they love each other. Their conversations ended in Jan. but it still hurts that he was saying that to her. I haven't confronted her yet, we are suppose to talk later on today. Do you think I should trust him? Do guys really bullsh**t females about their feelings for them? I'm just don't know what to do. I read somewhere that guys not only fake feelings but whole relationships. But if he is BSing her, he is BSing you because he is a BSer. Which means that he is an *********, not someone you want to be with. Definitely not someone you want around your kids (if you have them). I think some of these cheaters just love to hear themselves say lovey-dovey words, must give them a kick I think.
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