MistyBryant Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I just found out that my husband has been telling is best female friend that he loves her. I'm not talking about the whole I love you like a sister love, no it's the we should be together love. He even told her that he loved her more than me, his wife. We talked about it and he claims he was just bullsh**ing her and that he will stop talking to her. He also claims that he has not had sex with her ever. We have been trying to work on our marriage because of the infidelity in the past. So, he leaves his phone to prove that he is trying to stay faithful. I looked through his phone and found conversations between him, her, and their confessions of how they love each other. Their conversations ended in Jan. but it still hurts that he was saying that to her. I haven't confronted her yet, we are suppose to talk later on today. Do you think I should trust him? Do guys really bullsh**t females about their feelings for them? I'm just don't know what to do.
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Guys have a hard enough time telling their own spouses and girlfriends that they love them, why would they bull***** a friend who they're not really in love with? I call bull***** on his bull***** claim.
YellowShark Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 He even told her that he loved her more than me, his wife. We talked about it and he claims he was just bullsh**ing her and that he will stop talking to her. Wow! What a great guy! He loves her more than you but was just bullsh**ing her. That's a real catch you got there Misty! Sarcasm aside, he's full of crap, he said what he said and it wasn't BS. And frankly it's pretty damn sick to say he "loves her more than you - his wife" and then tells you - his wife - he was "just kidding."
Author MistyBryant Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Thank you for the responses. It seems like he is bulls***ing the both of us. That's why I want to talk to her to see what she has to say. Is it wrong for me to be mad at him and not want to work on the marriage since their conversation happened about 4 months ago? He says I'm just using this has an excuse not to work on the marriage.
YellowShark Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) Thank you for the responses. It seems like he is bulls***ing the both of us. That's why I want to talk to her to see what she has to say. Is it wrong for me to be mad at him and not want to work on the marriage since their conversation happened about 4 months ago? He says I'm just using this has an excuse not to work on the marriage. That's called "gaslighting." He is simply blaming you for what he caused. He is basically saying that it is your insecurity, mistrust, and anger *now* that is torpedoing the reconciliation of your issues - his OW. When in fact the reality is that he has crossed some serious boundaries in your marriage, and trying to defer his ownership in it. (edited to add) None of this would be an issue at all had he not done what he did. So don't allow him to blame you for not cooperating 100% to fix what he did. He needs to fix what he did, and part of that repair is full transparency, counseling, and earning your trust back. Doesn't matter if it was 4 months ago or 1 month ago. We have been trying to work on our marriage because of the infidelity in the past. His infidelity in the past? He's done this before? Edited May 23, 2011 by YellowShark
Mimolicious Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 If you've had infedelity issues in the past, doesn't sound like they really ended. Sad thing is that I don't think you'll get the truth out of either one of them. What is your intuition telling you? Hardly ever fails.
Author MistyBryant Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 His infidelity in the past? He's done this before? Yes, he slept with somebody when we first got married and I forgave him for it. Then about 2 years ago I found out that he was talking to 2 different females in a way that a married man should not be talking. We were close to getting a divorce but changed our minds because we have kids. Now I'm dealing with his "best female friend".
TigerCub Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Do you think I should trust him? Do guys really bullsh**t females about their feelings for them? I'm just don't know what to do. Yeah they do, and your H is bullsh**ting you. He cheated on you before he cheated again after you forgave him and now he's telling your friend that he loves her more than you. You keep forgiving him and staying with him - why would you expect him to change?
YellowShark Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) Yes, he slept with somebody when we first got married and I forgave him for it. Then about 2 years ago I found out that he was talking to 2 different females in a way that a married man should not be talking. We were close to getting a divorce but changed our minds because we have kids. Now I'm dealing with his "best female friend". Ok. I have been where you are. My EX had an EA with an old work-flame she had while she was married to someone else. I didn't know about this guy, or who he was to her, until I caught them doing it to me. So I cut her some slack, we decided to work it out, we did the counseling thing, she made all these promises to me in front of the therapist, and then ended up in an another affair - PA - a year later. That time I walked in 96 hours with my son - (her step son.) I figured if she can do this kinda stuff to the people dearest and closest to her than she is capable of anything. And I wasn't willing to have it happen again. Too painful. The second affair happened to be with "a friend" too. Sadly he was also one of my best friends who was married and had a pregnant wife at home. So sick and toxic. Nearly killed me.. the two of them. So my philosophy now is once a cheater not always a cheater, twice a cheater always a cheater. I'm not telling you what to do, just realize that he is broken inside, and from what you say he is a serial cheater. Edited May 23, 2011 by YellowShark
Author MistyBryant Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 You keep forgiving him and staying with him - why would you expect him to change? I guess I am just hoping for that happily ever after. Also, getting a divorce makes me feel like a failure but then I feel like an idiot for believing he will change. My mind is just screwd up.
YellowShark Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I guess I am just hoping for that happily ever after. Also, getting a divorce makes me feel like a failure but then I feel like an idiot for believing he will change. My mind is just screwd up. You didn't fail anything Misty. He failed you and the kids. Multiple times. I've felt your pain but a year later I am much happier. No more wondering, no more of that acid-feeling in my stomach when I see her texting, or on the laptop. No more wondering if she is out doing what she said she was out doing. No more wondering, insecurity, pain, lies, betrayal... and from my own emotional and financial partner in life! What the hell!?!? No thanks. All that negative energy is gone now.
nyrias Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I guess I am just hoping for that happily ever after. Also, getting a divorce makes me feel like a failure but then I feel like an idiot for believing he will change. My mind is just screwd up. Lots of people are divorced. There is little social stigma anymore. You should do what is best for you.
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Yes, he slept with somebody when we first got married and I forgave him for it. Then about 2 years ago I found out that he was talking to 2 different females in a way that a married man should not be talking. We were close to getting a divorce but changed our minds because we have kids. Now I'm dealing with his "best female friend". Misty, you forgave him but were there any consequences for his cheating? Did you throw him out? Refuse, initially to forgive him? Demand he go to counseling to figure out WHY he would cheat while newly married? Did you two go to marriage counseling to understand how to make the marriage stronger? What changes did you demand of him, if any, to stay married to you? How did you enforce it? Did you enforce it at all? Because if his way of thinking is, I can cheat, have inappropriate conversations with other women, tell a friend I love her more than my wife, and YOU continue to forgive him; not get ripping mad; tell the world of his inappropriate behaviors; throw his clothes out, and call a lawyer....than why should he change? He believes he can do what he wants.....and Misty will forgive me. Even better, she woln't tell anyone and protect my "image." Is this how you want to be married? Do you want a lifetime of disrespect? Give him the old heave-ho....out the front door with a suitcase of clothes. Demand respect.
TigerCub Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I guess I am just hoping for that happily ever after. Also, getting a divorce makes me feel like a failure but then I feel like an idiot for believing he will change. My mind is just screwd up. Misty I understand what you're saying, but it doesn't seem like your H is going to stop playing you. There don't seem to be any consequences for him. There is no shame in loving your H, there is no shame in dreaming of a happily ever after but if your H is proving time and time again that he can't stay faithful to you, that he can't be honest with you, there is no shame in being strong and ending this dysfunction. People don't change just because they want to change or because someone wants them to change - as disappointing as that is, its true. He needs to have a real reason to change, and you're just not giving him that by taking his abuse and taking his bullsh**t. I'm sorry that you're hurting, I truly am, but you can't expect change when you keep doing the same thing. Good luck
Author MistyBryant Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Misty, you forgave him but were there any consequences for his cheating? Did you throw him out? Refuse, initially to forgive him? Demand he go to counseling to figure out WHY he would cheat while newly married? Did you two go to marriage counseling to understand how to make the marriage stronger? What changes did you demand of him, if any, to stay married to you? How did you enforce it? Did you enforce it at all? Because if his way of thinking is, I can cheat, have inappropriate conversations with other women, tell a friend I love her more than my wife, and YOU continue to forgive him; not get ripping mad; tell the world of his inappropriate behaviors; throw his clothes out, and call a lawyer....than why should he change? He believes he can do what he wants.....and Misty will forgive me. Even better, she woln't tell anyone and protect my "image." Is this how you want to be married? Do you want a lifetime of disrespect? Give him the old heave-ho....out the front door with a suitcase of clothes. Demand respect. The first time I did kick him out and then we made up. The second time I left and tried to start over. I was gone for about 3 months and then we made up again. Both times he said that he missed me and want to be with me. He made all these promises and we went to a marriage counselor. I thought everything was fine and then I find this out. Everybody is right, I need to move on and just start over. He is not going to change. He doesn't even know why he does it. I think he really does know it's just that he doesn't want to tell me.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Lots of people are divorced. There is little social stigma anymore. You should do what is best for you. And the kids too of course. I need to move on and just start over. He is not going to change. He doesn't even know why he does it. I think he really does know it's just that he doesn't want to tell me. He has his own issues. It is his responsibility to sort them out, which he obviously hasn't done. You shouldn't be suffering because of his actions. See a divorce lawyer, protect yourself and your kids.
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 The first time I did kick him out and then we made up. The second time I left and tried to start over. I was gone for about 3 months and then we made up again. Both times he said that he missed me and want to be with me. He made all these promises and we went to a marriage counselor. I thought everything was fine and then I find this out. Everybody is right, I need to move on and just start over. He is not going to change. He doesn't even know why he does it. I think he really does know it's just that he doesn't want to tell me. Well, that is NO WAY to be married. in good marriages, partners share feelings, doubts, insecurities, wants and needs. In great marriages, they fulfill those wants and needs. Your H never went to MC to discover why he cheats, why he disrepects you. Until he is motivated to discover the why, if he even cares to, and wants you above all others, this is NOT a marriage. This is a sham. You deserve better. If he cannot meet that very fundamental demand to treat you respectfully and find out why he flirts and has affairs with other women, then it is time to move on. Get angry Misty. You deserve better and as long as this guy isn't willing to do what needs to be done for you, then draw your line in the sand and say, buh bye.
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 PS: Tell the world. Call up that best friend and call her out. Remind this dimwit that she is talking to a married man, a father, so why does she feel it necessary to engage in inappropriate conversations with him? What kind of woman is she to do that? Then tell your family and his family with a recap of his infidelity and inappropriate conversations. Hell, send them as an attachment to your email. If you do decide to divorce, get your side out first! Before he spins it that you are being crazy. Get angry. Get strong. Get gone.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I just found out that my husband has been telling is best female friend that he loves her. Guys have zero interest in maintaining 'friendships' with females (outside of family or work connections) for whose romantic affections they don't perceive themselves to be in line.
Author MistyBryant Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 wow...so I talked to the OW last night and she told me she was just saying that she loved him to feed his ego. She says that he would keep on asking her and if she didn't respond the way he wanted he told her he would commit suicide or he would keep asking her until she says it. So he's bulls***ing her and she helping his ego. They have a weird relationship. I think they both are lying. Then he and I talked and he basically told me that it's my fault for all the things he has done in the past. He said when he tried to do something nice for me I didn't respond the way he wanted so he talked to other females to get the reaction he wanted. How am I suppose to believe or feel a certain way when I think he's doing something behind my back? He wants me to forget the past and just start over again. I don't think I can start over. How do you know when a guy is being sincere?
Spark1111 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 wow...so I talked to the OW last night and she told me she was just saying that she loved him to feed his ego. She says that he would keep on asking her and if she didn't respond the way he wanted he told her he would commit suicide or he would keep asking her until she says it. So he's bulls***ing her and she helping his ego. They have a weird relationship. I think they both are lying. Then he and I talked and he basically told me that it's my fault for all the things he has done in the past. He said when he tried to do something nice for me I didn't respond the way he wanted so he talked to other females to get the reaction he wanted. How am I suppose to believe or feel a certain way when I think he's doing something behind my back? He wants me to forget the past and just start over again. I don't think I can start over. How do you know when a guy is being sincere? When he stops blaming you for his inappropriate behavior! When he stops justifying his own inexcusable actions! If he didn't respond the way YOU would have liked him to, would it have been ok for you to talk sexy, flirty, with other men to get what you wanted? Ask an old friend to say I love you to you? He have been ok with that? Of course not! A guy is sincere when he willingly goes to IC and MC to stay married to you. When he stops chatting up other women with inappropriate convo. When you are allowed to check his cell and computer emails because he had given you all his passwords; when he invites you into the workplace, or feel free to stop by uninvited, to visit him. Misty, raise your standards and demand he treat you with respect and do all of the above. I think you cave way to quickly. He is manipulating you to forgive him, with no Consequences. Change that today.
TJLakewood Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) Husband here... please don't bash me just hear me out. Below is what I typed earlier and didn't actually send because I feared of further damage of our marriage if I did so. Since then I told her that I was on here... she didn't get mad about that but we've had a fight and now I feel as though I really want to vent and get this off my chest. First of all I know that I was wrong for what I did. I've made many mistakesthroughout my life. I don't want to make those mistakes but because of mystupidity I've done far too many. When I say far too many, I know that evencoming here to post is another mistake of mine. However I do have a mind andfeelings that have been hurt just as everyone else does. Therefore I need toplace myself in here... both to say some things to my wife, and to get my pointof view out. Two weeks ago we've applied changes (meaning not just talked about and saidwe would do x and y without doing it, but actually applied them) to our lives.First time it's happened this way and it should have happened the moment thatwe said "I do" but it didn't. Partially because of a situation thathappened while we were planning our wedding. I was deployed at the time whichis why we were not actually planning together. We got married exactly 3 daysafter I returned from my deployment. That's beside the point, but I will notdisclose what happened. Although I've been over it for a long time, I believethat it's what caused me to cheat after we were married. On to the time that I was talking to two other females. Not an excuse... I'mwrong for everything that I've done and I know this, but there was a verydifficult situation going on that I couldn't handle. I seriously had no controlof what was going on and I couldn't take it. Along side of that the discussionsof divorce were of heavy topic. I began going on a chat site and having whatshe calls an emotional affair with other women. During that same time, I wifewasn't so good either... I'll just say that. There was a heavy stress on bothof our shoulders that pushed us other ways. I can only say that I wanted to beaway from reality. Her cause was me doing what I was apparently. Why was I having those types of conversations with my friend?.. I don'tknow. I do know that I didn't mean what I was saying. The same way that twoyears ago when I wanted away from reality I didn't mean what I was saying tothose females. I wasn't expressing feelings to anyone, I was just simplystating what I wish I felt for my wife I guess. We've always had theseconversations about how we wanted to be a better couple... well usually mesaying that's what I want while she says things like "people aren'tsupposed to be married" and "I don't believe in love" or"why are we even married" based off of things that she watches on TV.We've never put action into it until two weeks ago and things had changed dramatically. Now I love my wife far more than my ex best friend that I told my wife thatI wanted and needed to not be friends with her anymore. I made this statementto my wife yesterday... yes after she read those old messages between her andI, however I made that decision a while ago. I haven't spoken to her inprobably more than two months. Say what you want about me trying to push the situation back on my wife bystating that I believe she's looking for ways to not want to work on it... Iwouldn't do that. In fact I'm always the one saying things like "you'd beso much better off if I were just dead". I'm always feeling guilty abouthow she feels toward everything. So when we applied these changes for thesepast 2 weeks and have been far more happy, yet she's looking for other reasonsto get out... what do you expect me to feel? I can't go back and undo the factthat 5 months ago I spoke to her in a way that I shouldn't have. I'm justlooking toward being a better man... the man that I've been these past fewweeks in the marriage that we've had then as well. By the way, we did go to MC back in 2006 or 2007 together. That seemed tohelp us in no way whatsoever. Again I went to counseling myself in 2009 whenshe left for those 3 months. I had deep thoughts about getting help witheverything that I couldn't handle while I was in the hospital for speaking ofsuicide to some co-workers/friends that I was out with that night. When I wasreleased I called home to get a ride back but never got it... walked all theway home to an empty house. My fault for everything I did... thought about justkilling myself again, but decided that I'd stick to what I said I'd do while inthe hospital. The fact is that I want to make her happy as well as be happy in ourmarriage, which for far too long neither of us have been. When one wants tostay at work late instead of coming home, there's definitely a problem... I'msure that you all can agree. However things have changed for both her and Isince we decided that we were going to do things much differently and actuallyapplied those changes instead of letting those just become words of the past.Up until yesterday that is. I know she doesn't know what she should do... and Iunderstand the hurt that she feels over those messages. Just before we decidedto make changes I was just as hurt and she knows that. Nothing else for me tosay... and I know I look like an a**h**e for coming on here to do this. I guessI just wanted to get it off my chest too. Thanks for listening... now go ahead and bashaway Edited May 25, 2011 by TJLakewood Crazy font edits from MS Word
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 TJ, all I can say is, fix "you" and go to therapy. Work on your issues, and hopefully you and your wife can fix things. It's going to take A LOT of effort and work on your behalf. You've made many mistakes and hurt her deeply time and time again. A person can only take so much crap. Learn boundries. Do not befriend women, do not become their 'ear and shoulder' and don't let them become yours. Have male friends! Learn how to love "you" and not rely on other women for ego feeds to make you feel good and feel happy.
Spark1111 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 TJ, all I can say is, fix "you" and go to therapy. Work on your issues, and hopefully you and your wife can fix things. It's going to take A LOT of effort and work on your behalf. You've made many mistakes and hurt her deeply time and time again. A person can only take so much crap. Learn boundries. Do not befriend women, do not become their 'ear and shoulder' and don't let them become yours. Have male friends! Learn how to love "you" and not rely on other women for ego feeds to make you feel good and feel happy. Great advice WWIU! We are not here to bash you....but would you date you? Fix you! Do you know how emotionally draining it is to be with a depressed man? Do you have any idea how you forgive him his transgressions because you feel sorry for him? But then begin to resent he will never be strong enough to fulfill your needs? It is like you resign yourself to loving a sad man....and hope and pray he gets better because maybe someday he will be strong enough to love and cherish you in the way he maybe did in the beginning. Do you know how it kills to discover one indiscretion after another with some bimbo because he needs an ego boost but you are dying on the vine waiting for him to get right and live up to the potential you saw in him a long, long, time ago? I do. I married that man. And one day I decided I had had enough of his bs....packed a bag and headed for greener, happier pastures. I was done and ready to divorce. Then, and only then, did he get right. Work hard on himself to become the man I always knew he could be, but had given up hope he would ever become. He was happier seeking validation from strangers, not me who had stuck by him through thick and thin. His LACK of doing anything proactive, and blaming me for waaaaay to much, had eroded much of my love for him if not all of my respect. You act like she is to blame. Uh uh.....doesn't work like that. NOthing justifies cheating. You have the right to leave if you cannot fix you or the relationship. You have no right to punish her with your inappropriate behavior. Stop trying to drive her away or prove she doesn't love you enough by all these tests you are subjecting her too. It is an excuse for not doing the hard work you need to do on you!!!! I repeat, would you date you today? Would you marry you today? We all sit here amazed she is still with you and seems to love you. Are you even remotely grateful for that? OR, is she to blame for your misery? Most people who are unhappily married, learn in therapy, with a good therapist, that is wasn't that they weren't getting enough, it was that they weren't GIVING enough. If you are depressed, get better today. Then, you will be able to fgive more. Don't you get it? Not only does she not trust you can remain faithful to her, she doesn't trust you will get mentally healthy for her! She has already given up on you, grown distant, and shrugs her shoulders over her last discovery of inappropriate conversations. She doesn't respect you enough to show how much she truly loves you. She is guarded, and understandably so.
Spark1111 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 She has been betrayed how many times? You have been a good boy for.....2 months? And you are upset she isn't whole hog about reconciling with you? Trust, once broken, take years of daily effort and consistent behavior to restore. Now you are beating her up because she has reservations....about you? And maybe doesn't want to reinvest her heart with you to be broken....once again? You are kidding, right? Listen, think of everything you have done during your marriage....hmmm...affair, emotional affair with not one, but two women... your recent emails making a female friend tell you you love her... Now imagine your wife did all these things to you during your brief marriage.... And now she is upset because she has been "good" for two months? and you are reserved and distant and wondering if you even want this relationship anymore.... Who, in their right mind, could blame you????!!!! No one. Absolutely no one. You got one shot here to get straight and fly right. Just one. Do not blow it. OR, file for divorce and set her free to find a good man who will cherish her. But stop, please, with the excuses and blame. One shot.
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