Author miranda3379 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I guess I should have just asked if you were a BS and your WS came back to you after the AP had left them or vice versa I guess, are your WS told you that they wanted to work on your marriage and your biggest fear was being cheated on or left again and you told them they can have no contact with the AP would you want to know if your WS was still contacting the AP and lying to you and still continuing the affair?
Author miranda3379 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 And I know for a fact if I tell her what we are still doing, that he has another phone, that we have sex, that we talk for six hours a day that we see eachother, that when she's at work he invites me to their house etc that she will be hurt beyond belief. Maybe she will leave him once and for all, maybe she will stay. But I do know for a fact that if I tell her then he and I are DONE. He will never trust me again (funny huh) and he will feel betrayed and angry that I deliberately gave his wife information that will hurt her. So he will probably hate me and never speak to me again. So I will be losing any chance with him if I tell her. perhaps the hate they both will feel toward me will bring them closer and they can work things out. Maybe with me totally out of the picture he will have no choice but to work things out. Or maybe she will leave him for good and hate him and he can miserable being all alone. I know the outcome isn't favorable for me. Maybe I do want his wife to wake up and realize what is going on. But I lose out too if I do this. Maybe deep down part of me is angry at him too. Maybe I can't just walk away even though it is the right thing to do because I feel its not fair that he gets to walk back into his old life without any problems. Just walk back in and she's happy and he has no consequences
D-Lish Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 This is absolutely disgusting. That man is cruel and heartless. He's emotionally tortured his wife and played games with her to the point of hospitalization and you have helped him. There is no excuse for this behavior on his part, or yours for that matter. Stop being selfish...you're toying with that poor woman as much as he is. One thing I have learned is that you will pay for your actions in one way or another. Read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276670/ and you will see that it really does happen. Some day this is going to be you, sweetheart. Sorry to be harsh, but this story makes me ill on so many levels. I agree with the bolded part. The fact that one of your motivations for telling her is because she is gloating about winning her husband back? WTF? Look what you and him did to this poor woman. As stupid as she is for taking a loser like him back- you've been just as horrible to her as he has. Now you want to expose your affair all over again to a woman you know is broken and prone to suicide attempts? What is wrong with you? You had him, and you sent him back- so let it go. Why would you be so cruel as to play such a sick and twisted game on an emotionally despondent woman? If she didn't leave him before, she's not going to leave him now. What do you want out of all this? I mean really, make up your mind.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 The issues were that she showed him love by meeting certain needs (making dinner, being friends, taking care of the house) but she didn't share his interests, wouldn't go places with him, didn't share his accomplishments, wasn't involved in his life outside of their home. Then he met me and I met his needs for love and admirations and compliments and made him feel wanted. We have great amazing sex. We can talk for hours about anything. We connect on an emotional level that feels so good. Of all of the truly delusional, narcissistic "stuff" you've posted to justify everything, the bit above stood out to me. Awwwwwwww, you're poor MM. Women were obviously put onto this earth to worship him, meet his needs, dote on him, admire him, compliment him, validate him, praise him...........in addition to be his phocking cook, housekeeper, wash woman, maid, servant, slave. She was good enough to wash the skidmarks out of his shorts but you are so much better for him. Niiiiice. What did HE ever DO to involve himself in HER LIFE?.....to take any interest in HER life and interests? To show his admiration? To compliment her? To make HER feel wanted? You speak like she was put on earth just to be his slave in some one-sided arrangement where it's all about him. Big whoopie-doo that you and him "connect" and can screw. Someone give the girl a prize! You are nothing but a convenient little fantasy and diversion from real life for him. A mistress. I am just blown away by women like you who can take part in something like this where another woman who's done NOTHING TO YOU has been so devastated. How can you do that to another woman? How can you seriously justify it? And make no mistake..........you're ONLY motivation for 'telling her' is not because you give a frog's fat a$$ about her or her "right to know" -- you simply are bitter and angry that he remains with her and you ultimately want to stick it to him, punish him. You should seriously be ashamed of yourself but narcissists never are.
26pointblue Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 You are right- I will admit it- I used to feel bad for the wife. When we were discovered and she called me crying- I felt terrible. I wanted to take it all back and start over. I didn't go into this deliberately trying to hurt someone. It was never a game to me. To me - she just didn't exist. He never bad mouthed her- just basically explained their marriage to me and for those that say they have kids. THEY HAVE NO KIDS TOGETHER. The issues were that she showed him love by meeting certain needs (making dinner, being friends, taking care of the house) but she didn't share his interests, wouldn't go places with him, didn't share his accomplishments, wasn't involved in his life outside of their home. Then he met me and I met his needs for love and admirations and compliments and made him feel wanted. We have great amazing sex. We can talk for hours about anything. We connect on an emotional level that feels so good. I know this is probably what every OW says- that they have such an amazing connection etc. But its what we feel. Now after his wife has totally blamed me for the affair- as though I drugged her husband and kidnapped him in the middle of the night and keep him tied up in my basement. And she totally excuses him from any wrong doing. In the beginning she asked me for honesty and I gave it to her. I didn't lie to her and cover up what we had done. She came after me, came after my job, my pets, my family. I understand she was devastated, crushed etc. But to lay the blame 100% at MY feet and none on her husband's makes me angry. I will take my share of the blame and the hatred and humiliation that go along with it. But I won't take 100%. He even told her after she said I was a slut for sleeping with a married man he said "well this married man had no problem chosing to have sex with her so you can't blame it all on her" And even though he told her the truth )that he's in love with me and didn't want to be with her, she still wanted him back. SHe still begged etc. She KNEW he had an affair with me as well as one ten years ago (I told her) yet she chose not to believe that and acted like I'm some sort of magician that wooed her innocent husband away. And that makes me furious. I suggested he go back and I let him go because he didn't seem happy- he was depressed and upset and reality of hurting his wife was hitting him (so I thought). So i left the door open and he left. I thought he truly would work on his marriage because of the guilt that he felt. Yet it seems now that his wife is halfway hopeful, the guilt is gone and he wants to turn our relationship back into a secretive affair. I want to tell his wife for two reasons. One she is gloating that she won him back. That all her pleading begging etc made him realize he needs her. This is not the case. #2 I want to tell his wife because she deserves to know. while not unselfish of me, I can't imagine being with someone and giving them a chance and it probably being the only thing you want in life and having the other person crap all over you. Because that is what he is doing. Last night she was texting him about the weather (trying to keep in contact, probably trying to see if he was actually home) and he was in my bed making love with me. When we were done he texted her some lies about the dogs and the rain. Then he was laughing when he texted her back right before round two. Said "I'm about to (perform oral sex) on you and she thinks I'm sitting at home by myself" and HE LAUGHED. He's seen her cry, seen her devastated. But he thinks he won't get caught. If she was living with him again and he continues to do this and she thought they were working things out I know she would be devastated beyond belief if she found out. Maybe then she'd wise up and leave him. I really don't understand how he can continue to do this to her. He told her we are not talking at all and yet we've talked on the phone for hours and hours since he's said that. We've seen eachother, gone out on dates, and had sex many times since he's told her that. And I'm tired of people saying why do I continue to do this to his wife? I don't owe her anything. HE DOES. Why does he continue to do this if he felt guilty at all? Where is the guilt now? His pretending to do what she wants takes that away even though its a lie? He is the one who married her, he is the one who owes her his honesty, his trust, the truth. He owes it to her to stay away from me, not the other way around. I KNOW I should stay away from him. But it feels so good to be with him. to talk to laugh to make love. I know I have a problem. I feel so much pain when I'm not with him and even though he may be the world's biggest ass and a horrible person- I don't see him that way. to me, he has always treated me well, always put me first. he walked away from someone he was with for 20 plus years to be with me. And he didn't hide it from anyone. he told EVERYONE, his family, his friends etc how happy he was. He was proud to be with me. I have never had anyone who didn't take me for granted, who treated me like a princess, who would do anything to make me happy. Even when we broke up, I was sad and he wanted to keep in touch with me to help me through it. I know to everyone else he is a lying piece of sh*t but to me he's a man who has treated me better than anyone else ever has. and that is why I still love him. Because he took care of me, he gave me everything I could ever want. I know that isn't an excuse for hurting another person but as I see it, she has the facts. He told her he loves me, doesnt want to be with her etc. And now that he's said he wants to work things out- he told her he wants to give her her life back so she can function again. I don't think I am thinking clearly but I do think that even if I was totally out of the picture he would not put his heart into working things out with her. he would just find someone else to fill that void with. I mean he has seen first hand how much she is hurting and he will take the chance to continue things with me and hurt her all over again when he knows this is her biggest fear???? To me she is a stranger and one that I have anger toward but to him he spent 20 plus years with her so why would he allow her to be hurt like that again?? I was in a very similar situation & I think there is no cure but to get out. This will never get better. Ask yourself why you want to be with a man like this. ??
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Miranda, so is his wife malcious, calculating, in your face bitchy? wanting to WIN him back and flaunt it in your face? Or is she an emotional wreck, about to kill herself? You've painted two different ways of his wife. Make up your mind. Sorry but with each new thread you create, things get changed up and the story is changing. I'm just glad that your MM's wife isn't posting on LS anymore.
alexandria35 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Your mm sounds like such a loser. I really hope the two of you end up together.
alexandria35 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 And I know for a fact if I tell her what we are still doing, that he has another phone, that we have sex, that we talk for six hours a day that we see eachother, that when she's at work he invites me to their house etc that she will be hurt beyond belief. Maybe she will leave him once and for all, maybe she will stay. But I do know for a fact that if I tell her then he and I are DONE. He will never trust me again (funny huh) and he will feel betrayed and angry that I deliberately gave his wife information that will hurt her. So he will probably hate me and never speak to me again. So I will be losing any chance with him if I tell her. perhaps the hate they both will feel toward me will bring them closer and they can work things out. Maybe with me totally out of the picture he will have no choice but to work things out. Or maybe she will leave him for good and hate him and he can miserable being all alone. I know the outcome isn't favorable for me. Maybe I do want his wife to wake up and realize what is going on. But I lose out too if I do this. Maybe deep down part of me is angry at him too. Maybe I can't just walk away even though it is the right thing to do because I feel its not fair that he gets to walk back into his old life without any problems. Just walk back in and she's happy and he has no consequences The above bolded is a lie and you know it. That is exactly what you said you thought the first time you told her everything. Remember? You said he wasn't upset with you at all and wanted to keep right on with the affair, so you know this time wouldn't be any different. The only reason you want to tell her is to cause the drama and pain that you need to thrive on.
Rayne03 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Of all of the truly delusional, narcissistic "stuff" you've posted to justify everything, the bit above stood out to me. Awwwwwwww, you're poor MM. Women were obviously put onto this earth to worship him, meet his needs, dote on him, admire him, compliment him, validate him, praise him...........in addition to be his phocking cook, housekeeper, wash woman, maid, servant, slave. She was good enough to wash the skidmarks out of his shorts but you are so much better for him. Niiiiice. What did HE ever DO to involve himself in HER LIFE?.....to take any interest in HER life and interests? To show his admiration? To compliment her? To make HER feel wanted? You speak like she was put on earth just to be his slave in some one-sided arrangement where it's all about him. Big whoopie-doo that you and him "connect" and can screw. Someone give the girl a prize! You are nothing but a convenient little fantasy and diversion from real life for him. A mistress. I am just blown away by women like you who can take part in something like this where another woman who's done NOTHING TO YOU has been so devastated. How can you do that to another woman? How can you seriously justify it? And make no mistake..........you're ONLY motivation for 'telling her' is not because you give a frog's fat a$$ about her or her "right to know" -- you simply are bitter and angry that he remains with her and you ultimately want to stick it to him, punish him. You should seriously be ashamed of yourself but narcissists never are. I AGREE, totally narcissistic ...
Rayne03 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 what I don't understand is you act like I am acting like his wife was- begging pleading stalking him, threatening suicide to keep him around. I have done none of that. And as for me being a third party- he was living with me, he left. I know he is still married. that is on HIM. They do have a right to repair their relationship if they choose to. but that takes both people involved being committed to repairing it. Obviously he is not interested in repairing his relationship even though he says he is. I might be a third party but HE is involving me. I'm not begging him to talk to me or see me. He WANTS To. I don't understand why I am being crucified for wanting to be with him. This is the OW/OM forum. Everyone here is or was in a relationship with someone who was married. we all know it is wrong but we still did it for whatever reasons. I don't seek out MM and have relationships with them. I happened to meet and fall in love with someone who was married. Yes I chose that and I'll take the blame for that bad decision. But you are blaming me for being a third party and constantly in the picture. I'm not throwing myself at him, I'm not begging him I'm not stalking him. In reality it feels like his wife is the third party because he is putting me first and not her. Its his responsibility to do what is best for his wife and for himeself and their marriage. Not mine. I understand loud and clear your posts on this thread and others. 've never mentioned that you "act like the wife". However, You do like to portray yourself as a victim, the innocent.... but you're not, and you continue to make excuse after excuse. If, you were referring to me ..... FYI, I am not a BS, never have been one either. You're persecptions are way off.
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Because that is what he is doing. Last night she was texting him about the weather (trying to keep in contact, probably trying to see if he was actually home) and he was in my bed making love with me. When we were done he texted her some lies about the dogs and the rain. Then he was laughing when he texted her back right before round two. Said "I'm about to (perform oral sex) on you and she thinks I'm sitting at home by myself" and HE LAUGHED. Do you have any clue how utterly disturbing and disgusting this is? This is a man you want to be with? This is who you love? Someone who would say something like this and find it funny? This is sick. I hope for the wifes sake you do tell her. I hope he comes right to you. Enjoy him.
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) He is the one who married her, he is the one who owes her his honesty, his trust, the truth. He owes it to her to stay away from me, not the other way around. I KNOW I should stay away from him. But it feels so good to be with him. to talk to laugh to make love. and you are the one who is willing to lay in bed with him WHILE he is texting his wife to keep the charade going. Who lets a man go down on her while he is texting another woman? I'm not buying this. It is just too desperate. You don't bring a man and his phone into bed with you so he can keep the charade up. Edited May 26, 2011 by greengoddess
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 This man has no reason to leave his wife. he has the maid housekeeper and friend at home and he has you on the side that is so desperate to be with him and keep his secret that you will put up with him moving back in with her and still be his "love" screwing him while he texts his wife. Is this normal ow behavior? Do ow actually go to bed with married man and his lifeline to his wife, aka the phone? omg:sick:
Woman In Blue Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Wow - this guy sounds like a real PRIZE. Constantly lying, manipulating, sneaking around and making sure it's ALL about him ALL of the time. Gosh and golly, he just sounds heavenly. Does he have a brother just like him? I sure hope so!
greengoddess Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Miranda, And I'm sorry that you come here and have to read all these really rude responses from people who are using you as their punching bag. I don't get how they think this helps at all. What are you talking about? Are you serious? I swear I feel like I am in the twilight zone sometimes when I read this website. You are accusing people of sending her rude responses and using her as a punching bag? Ummm hello this woman and I say that very lightly and her "boyfriend" are driving another human being to suicide with their GAME PLAYING and everyone is supposed to shoot rainbows up her coolie? Seriously? No one is using her as a punching bag. They are tring to get her to understand she needs to step away and LEAVE this man be until he can finish his last relationship. How is that so hard to understand?
greengoddess Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Please do this. The only kind act towards his wife is for both of you to start acting honestly and stop doing things for her sake. Doing things for her sake will only prolong her pain. If you stand up for what you want towards your MM, then he may be able to do so towards his wife and let her go to start the process of her healing. She did this once with the married man and it accomplished nothing. The man doesn't know what he wants and is taking down two women with him. They need to both dump him. The game playing is out of hand. If you want this guy stop letting him abuse you by going back and forth between you and the wife. Tell him it's a no go until he is totally commited to you. Stop allowing the games.
2sure Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 The first response to OP said it all: He is playing both of you. He wants both. He likes the drama, the attention, and the control. I wouldnt let this guy drive my car.
2sure Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Tell his wife, and ask questions too because you are missing 50% of the story just as she is.
bentnotbroken Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 The first response to OP said it all: He is playing both of you. He wants both. He likes the drama, the attention, and the control. I wouldnt let this guy drive my car. I wouldn't pee on him if he were on fire and wearing gasoline underwear.
Got it Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 You cannot control his actions or her actions. You can only control your actions and reactions. How or what she thinks or does is no concern of yours. I would recommend you walk away if you do not like the situation or agree with his actions towards his wife. Telling her will do what? Whether or not he reconciles with her truly or falsely is nothing you can control or should focus on. Stop, think about what is the right direction for you, focus on you and then proceed. To me it is a red flag that he is gaslighting her so much. Please see how he is treating her and reflect on that. While I know that the word is grey, and I understand the angst after a dday, my thoughts after mine was to stop mitigating it. Back out and let him focus on his life, and marriage and make a decision on what he wants to do. If you want to continue the affair then stay out of his interactions with his wife, they are no concern of yours.
Author miranda3379 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 When my head is clear or I'm upset with him, I know I should walk away. Part of me loves him more than anything- I'm not addicted to the drama, I"m addicted to the dopamine that floods my body when I'm with him. He makes me feel so good, sexually, emotionally, mentally. We have such a strong connection. I didn't like that it felt we were losing that connection when he became depressed or felt guilty about how his wife's life was going downhill. So I let him go. However, he hasn't really left. He has a pay as you go phone that he used before he moved out so his wife wouldn't see our calls. He started using it again and we went through 1000 minutes in one week. And he told his wife we don't talk at all. I know I shouldn't see this guy as a prize- I mean, he is telling his wife he will give her her life back, that he will work on things with her. She says he can't have any contact with me that it would kill her. And yet here he is, he has never stopped. I know I shouldn't participate it in, but I look at it as she is HIS responsibility. I didn't decide he should work things out at home, he did. If it were up to me, he would let her move on and just be better off. I want him to be with me. But I doubt that is going to happen. He will go home and be miserable and just have affairs on the side. If not with me, it will be someone else I guarantee it. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Because of how he makes me feel. I guess I"m still in the "fog". If he doesn't care about her, why should I? One thing he said to me, that struck me as horrible is that he was upset that I didn't believe when his wife asked him why he came back and he said to give her her life back. She said she wants him to come back becuase he loves her. He said he couldn't say that to her yet. I didn't believe him. He asked why? I said because if you will lie to her there's a good possiblity you would lie to me too. His response was WHAT DO I LIE TO HER ABOUT? He said it like he was genuinely confused. Uh hello! He lies to her about talking to me, about seeing with me, that he is still sleeping with me, that he's the one who decided it was over between us etc. She sits there and cries and tells him she's afraid to trust him, that she's afraid to get hurt again, that thinking of us together just kills her. That she's terrified he won't leave me alone. And leaves from seeing her cry and plead and then he DOES EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS AFRAID OF AND MORE. As far as him having his phone- he didn't have it in bed with us, he checked it afterward (was on my dresser) and texted her back before we started round two of what we were doing. I don't want to be in an affair with him, but it is so hard to let him go. And I do know that if I told his wife everything, he would never speak to me again. He would be angry that I hurt her even more. And that I betrayed HIS trust. If I walk away, I WILL tell her everything before I do. Just so there is no chance of him ever coming back to me and so that she has the truth about what he is really like.
bentnotbroken Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 When my head is clear or I'm upset with him, I know I should walk away. Part of me loves him more than anything- I'm not addicted to the drama, I"m addicted to the dopamine that floods my body when I'm with him. He makes me feel so good, sexually, emotionally, mentally. We have such a strong connection. I didn't like that it felt we were losing that connection when he became depressed or felt guilty about how his wife's life was going downhill. So I let him go. However, he hasn't really left. He has a pay as you go phone that he used before he moved out so his wife wouldn't see our calls. He started using it again and we went through 1000 minutes in one week. And he told his wife we don't talk at all. I know I shouldn't see this guy as a prize- I mean, he is telling his wife he will give her her life back, that he will work on things with her. She says he can't have any contact with me that it would kill her. And yet here he is, he has never stopped. I know I shouldn't participate it in, but I look at it as she is HIS responsibility. I didn't decide he should work things out at home, he did. If it were up to me, he would let her move on and just be better off. I want him to be with me. But I doubt that is going to happen. He will go home and be miserable and just have affairs on the side. If not with me, it will be someone else I guarantee it. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Because of how he makes me feel. I guess I"m still in the "fog". If he doesn't care about her, why should I? One thing he said to me, that struck me as horrible is that he was upset that I didn't believe when his wife asked him why he came back and he said to give her her life back. She said she wants him to come back becuase he loves her. He said he couldn't say that to her yet. I didn't believe him. He asked why? I said because if you will lie to her there's a good possiblity you would lie to me too. His response was WHAT DO I LIE TO HER ABOUT? He said it like he was genuinely confused. Uh hello! He lies to her about talking to me, about seeing with me, that he is still sleeping with me, that he's the one who decided it was over between us etc. She sits there and cries and tells him she's afraid to trust him, that she's afraid to get hurt again, that thinking of us together just kills her. That she's terrified he won't leave me alone. And leaves from seeing her cry and plead and then he DOES EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS AFRAID OF AND MORE. As far as him having his phone- he didn't have it in bed with us, he checked it afterward (was on my dresser) and texted her back before we started round two of what we were doing. I don't want to be in an affair with him, but it is so hard to let him go. And I do know that if I told his wife everything, he would never speak to me again. He would be angry that I hurt her even more. And that I betrayed HIS trust. If I walk away, I WILL tell her everything before I do. Just so there is no chance of him ever coming back to me and so that she has the truth about what he is really like. Remember the Charlie Brown cartoon when all the adults sounded like blah, blah, blah...that is what you should hear when he opens his mouth. But you hear what you want and when that women goes over the edge, what will you do then. What will he sound like then. Maybe you will be his next target for the emotional abuse he is giving her. No one should stand by and watch a person being treated as cruelly and abused like you are standing by watching what is happening to her.
jsb58 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 We have such a strong connection. I didn't like that it felt we were losing that connection when he became depressed or felt guiltyHow childish. All REAL relationships go through ups and downs, ebbs and flows. You would know that if you had any emotional maturity. Instead, you want to cause drama, all for some good sex. If he left for you, you'd be tired of him in 3 months. All this damage for nothing. If you were a man, I'd tell you to stop thinking with the wrong head.
jsb58 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 And that I betrayed HIS trust. If I walk away, I WILL tell her everything before I do. Just so there is no chance of him ever coming back to me and so that she has the truth about what he is really like.Is this a Judy Blume novel? Have you made it all the way through puberty?
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