Should I tell his wife?

[miranda3379]

Was dating a MM for about six months. We were discovered by the W after 3 months. He stayed about a month living in his house because his W said she would kill herself and was acting very devastated (understandable). THey were together 20 plus years. He only went back (to her) once though. The day after D day he felt bad about the way he just walked out on her. He came back to me the very next day. After living at home for a month (trying to get his wife to "get over" him) he moved out completely and in with me. His wife called him every day (which he ignored) and told her they were only going to text. He thought this would be easier on her. She went off the deep end (again, understandable) and he ignored her. ON Easter she was hospitalized after a fight they had (via text) because she told him she had cooked Easter dinner for him and was waiting for him to arrive (he hadn't seen her in over a month but she was still trying to win him back) He was so frustrated that she wouldn't get the message that he didn't want to work things out with her that he flipped out and called her and told her off. Told her he just wanted her to move on,find another man and he would even pay for the other man to live in his house. That he just wanted rid of her so he could enjoy his life with me. He told her every single thing he thought was wrong with their marriage (in anger).

 

Over the next few days he felt horrible about how he had treated her. He expressed that he was just so frustrated because she would not give up on him and was acting "crazy". She flunked out of school and almost got fired and reality started to catch up to him and he felt guility for destroying her life. She moved out of their house in an effort to force him to move out of my house (he had to take care of their pets and their house) he tried for about a week to stay at my house and take care of his dogs at his. I knew that he was experiencing so much stress. I finally told him I was letting him go.

 

He was very upset. We kept in contact and still saw eachother once in awhile. (I know, bad move). He asked if there was ever a chance for us and I said no. About a week later he told his W that we had split. She begged him for another chance and he told her they would work on things. that was two weeks ago and she wants to come home. He has seen her four times. He said they have to start out very slowly. He will go visit her and they will have lunch or just talk. He said he thought coming back would make her happy but all she does is cry. He said he just wants to give her her life back> that he truly doesn't love her, just feels responsible for her. He said she sees it in his eyes that he is still in love with me. That she looks at him and cries and asks if he is thinking of me. He said he breaks down in her company and cries because he misses me so badly,. That he tries to hide it but a memory of us will slip in and hit him. We talk every day. Try to comfort eachother.

 

We recently started seeing eacother (hanging out, going to dinner, having sex) again this weekend. We have a great time together but when he leaves (he spent the night twice) we both cry. He said he does not want his wife to come home. that he is dreading going back to his old life. But that he feels he owes her the chance to let her see if things work out. he says he hopes she discovers this is not what she wants. So he is free to be with me without feeling responsible for destroying her life.

 

I know that if he truly wanted to be with me he would just have stayed away. that he wouldn't care how his wife feels. She told him she thinks he will leave again to be with me. Or that he will cheat with me again and hurt her. She said she can not handle a 2nd time. She is not so upset with his cheating, but his leaving and walking away no matter what she tried to do to stop him. She told him that she believes he will not leave me alone. That she thinks he still loves me. She texted me and begged me to leave him alone. Every day (even since he told his wife he will work on things) he texts me and calls me and tells me I love you- at least ten times a day. He has not said this to his wife (one of the things she texted me) He tells her he is not ready to tell her he loves her, to touch her, to kiss her or even give her a hug. he said she tried to hug him and he flinched and pulled away (he said it was automatic) that he doesn't want anyone touching him but me and doesn't know why.

 

Yesterday he talked to his W about their marriage and problems and she wanted to come home (he had previously told her she could come home on Sunday) and he told her he's not ready yet and she needs to stay where she is. Today he told her the same thing. She is very upset saying if he wants to work things out why can't she come home. The reason is because he wants to keep seeing me. Because he is on vacation this week and we talk six hours a day or see eachother. We talk every night before we fall asleep and he feels this is more important than his wife returning. His heart is not in working things out. He just wants to soothe her and let her think she is getting her life back. But I found out he wants to still see me, still make love, still talk. He has a 2nd phone and told her he will not talk to me anymore ( he originally told her we would just talk on the phone but she cried so hard he took it back) but yet he still talks to me, is still lying to his wife every single day.

 

Part of me feels horrible that we put this woman through so much pain and betrayal and her husband is telling her he will work things out (even though she sees his actions mean otherwise) and yet he is still in love with me, still putting me first. I know that if I told him I wanted to be with him again and to tell his wife he changed his mind, he would. But she has hope now and I would feel terrible for taking that away. Yet the evil side of me misses MM so much and we have both been going through what feels like withdrawal symptoms from a drug. We crave eachother, get depressed, cry, shake, have panic attacks etc when we can't see eachother or talk. And seeing him and talking on the phone eases those symptoms and is the only thing that makes us happy. He says he doesn't want his wife to come home because he is grieving my loss. that he cries, gets choked up (I've seen it a lot) and is just sad all the time. And he knows that if she sees that, it will hurt her even more. Because he didn't even miss her. That he would be SO happy if she'd just find someone else to make her happy and take care of her.

 

I know that he will continue the affair if I let him. Do I tell his wife? She is hoping she can trust him and that he is serious about working on things. But I know he is NOT. He will return from seeing her cry and tell him she can't trust him and how hurt she is and he comes to my house and holds me and tells me how much he loves me and how he can't let go of me. Or he comes over and we have sex. We say we are addicted to eachother (because thats what it feels like) He is making his wife suffer more because she doesn't understand his actions and has even voiced she fears he doesn't want her to return home because he is seeing me.

 

I wouldn't get anything out of telling his wife.He would probably hate me and not see me anymore. I am not doing it unselfishly obviously either. If I wanted to be the better person I would just walk away and cut off all contact. But for whatever reason I love this man and it is so hard to let him go. I just don't understand why he would try to work things out with her if his heart isn't in it and his actions are just going to hurt her twice as much as last time if he gets caught.

[greengoddess]

He's playing both of you.

 

He says, he says, he says...and his actions are...?

 

He's playing both of you.

 

It works well too doesn't it? You feel so bad for him that he is stuck like this. LMAO manipulative dick...

[TaraMaiden]

Oh my goodness, yes....!

 

What the hell has he got that some really smart young SINGLE fellah couldn't give you - and only you?

Because you're you.

And only because he loves, only you?

 

Or is that really too hard to imagine??

 

I completely and totally agree with greengoddess - What a completely vacuous and manipulative jerk.

[Owl]

Rather than force him to "deal" with all of this...why don't YOU end the affair, knowing the damage it's causing everyone involved?

 

He probably won't. He doesn't appear to want to leave her, he doesn't appear to want to end the affair with you...he's right where he's chosen to be...sitting between the two of you.

 

What about taking action on YOUR side of the equation to force change? Telling her is one option. Ending the affair is another.

 

Just somethings to consider.

[TigerCub]

Miranda,

 

I know that people have been harsh with you in other threads with regards to this story, and I felt that sometimes it was too harsh..

 

But.. this post, really?

 

You had him, why did you send him back when you knew that he would stay with you? If you love him and you actually managed what a lot of OW would only hope to manage, then you send him away - because it was too tough.

 

BUT...you go on and resume an affair with him now?

 

I think you like being second fiddle. You could have been the only one - once the BS would have taken the time to get over things and get her life in order, but you ended it and now you're the OW again?

 

I just don't get that.

 

And this MM - if he didn't love her and he was willing to hurt her so badly, why did he tell her that they could work things out right after you dumped him? - he just can't stand to be on his own at all!

He's a selfish, entitled little child - he's a douche that doesn't care how he hurts anyone as long as he's taken care of, as long as he's not alone.

 

You say that he felt so much guilt for what he put her through the first time, then why on earth would he be so willing to give this poor woman hope again, when he knows that he no longer loves her, when he knows that he would rather be with you - but he can't be because you let him go (for a while).

He just can't be alone and he'll use anyone - what an a$$.

 

As for telling the BS - go ahead, the way this woman carried on, and begged and pleaded and didn't let the fact that he doesn't love her or want her to stop her from throwing herself at him repeatedly afterwards, go ahead, tell her, she'll still chase after him - sure, she'll be a little more devastated and a little more hurt, she'll have more resentment, but that doesn't seem to stop her from wanting to be with him - she's that lost and she's that dependent and attached and miserable that she can't see that being without him is actually a good thing - she'll take him anyway she can get him - you'll just simply be adding to her humiliation and hurt - but really at this point in the plot what's another jab??

 

I honestly don't understand why any of the players in this f**ked up play do what they do - but I'm looking forward to the next installment

[TurboGirl]

So you are just soooo in love with this guy that you are already looking at online dating sites, right?

 

I saw a thread that you started in the dating section a few weeks ago. You're playing both sides too, come on, admit it!

 

Why not just leave this poor man & his wife alone & go and find someone single? Or do you enjoy all of this drama... unless it is fictional, that is...LOL. I have a hard time believing that anyone would still be embroiled in a mess like this one, willingly, at least.

 

On the assumption that all of this drama is NOT bs, sounds like you are just addicted to the drama and attention and sex with this guy. 6 months is NOTHING and its still the beginning part of a relationship where the sex is still great 24/7... and what would you do if he does "become yours" and then finds a new hot sexy girl he wants to be with next year or the year after, once your addiction cools off?

[26pointblue]

Wow, you are not only addicted to him but to the drama! You will never be able to be happy until you break this chaotic cycle. I completely agree with TigerCub that you don't want him full-time; you like being the OW & you like this drama. You had him, you sent him back, now you want him again enough to keep hurting his wife, but if you truly had him, you would send him right back. Ugh. Why????

 

I know that if he truly wanted to be with me he would just have stayed away. that he wouldn't care how his wife feels.

 

Exactly. So his actions & non-actions are telling you what he really wants-- to stay married to her, & keep you on the side. And your actions & non-actions are showing that you want the same thing! You want him to stay married to her & keep you on the side. Fine, just do that & be a secret affair & then you will be happy being his OW, his wife will be happy being married to him [since it's not the cheating that bothered her, but his leaving her, right?!], & he will be happy having both of you. I don't think that's a healthy or right way for you to live but if you want it, do it that way & then at least the poor wife won't be in the hospital again. If you really felt bad about her then you would either end it with him or keep it discrete & on the side . . . NOT play these stupid back-&-forth games or even think of telling her all of this stuff that you have been doing with her husband in secret that you know will hurt her. I really think you enjoy hurting her & get off on the drama.

 

 

She told him she thinks he will leave again to be with me. Or that he will cheat with me again and hurt her.

 

She is right. And you are allowing it. Why? If you really want this man then draw your line in the sand & refuse to have contact with him unless he is divorced [thus having him all to yourself or not at all].

 

This man sounds like a weak child. He cannot do anything without someone there to tell him what to do, make him feel guilty, or catch him when he falls. So if you push him to leave her, he will. But that's why I don't think you really want him. So he goes running back to Wifey & you let him keep you on the side. If you really do care about the wife at all then stop letting him hurt her like that.

 

 

 

I know that he will continue the affair if I let him. Do I tell his wife?

 

Of course he will continue in the affair if you let him. He already is & will for as long as you both allow it. So why are you allowing it? And why would you consider hurting his wife like that over just walking away or giving him an ultimatum? I'm sorry but I dont' understand your line of thinking at all. I was in a similar situation where my xMM wanted to be with me & did leave to be with me but didn't want to hurt his wife & still had unfinished business with her [they are married until they are divorced, & even then, my xMM would be heavily connected to his wife due to their children - so really, it is never over], & couldn't make decisions without one or both of us pushing & pulling him. But when D-Days came & his actions got confusing & back & forth, I did not want to be in limbo anymore. Nor did I want to hurt his wife. Yes I had hurt her to begin with but I don't understand this motive of continuing the affair you know hurts her, & thinking of telling her about the affair, rather than taking control over your own life & your own 'man' & telling him, I want you all or nothing, you decide, goodbye for now. I don't understand that at all unless you enjoy inflicting pain on her.

 

 

If I wanted to be the better person I would just walk away and cut off all contact. But for whatever reason I love this man and it is so hard to let him go. I just don't understand why he would try to work things out with her if his heart isn't in it and his actions are just going to hurt her twice as much as last time if he gets caught.

 

There you go. If you want to be the better person, you know what to do already. No one here can make you do that-- you have the knowledge, so choose to be a better, strong person or an MM/'drug'-addicted weak person. I am really not trying to judge you because I have been there myself & it's hard but worth it. You will gain clarity & dignity if you do the right thing. As far as why he would try to work things out with her if his heart isn't in it -- just like you, he is being weak. Either he wants his marriage & is too weak to give you up [sorry but this one is probably the truth] or he wants to be with you & is too weak to give her up. Either way, he's too weak to make a decision & stick to it, & no offense but so are you. So I'm not sure why you don't understand his weakness when you have admitted you are the same exact way. It all comes down to being weak, & you can continue to stay weak, or get strong. Regardless of what he does [& without hurting his wife any more unnecessarily!]

[Mimolicious]

Whoa! Whoa! People are something else...

 

Wait, wasn't your BS on LS too? I forget.

 

 

Seriously, why are you involved in this hotmess? How well do you sleep at night? You really think you are getting a prize with this dude. What a shame, 2 people having so much control and destroying someone else to pieces. Poor BS, she is the real idiot here. Wasting her time and energy dwelling on two people that actually belong together.

And sorry if I SOUND harsh. Whatever I can possibly say doesn't beat what your and you MM are actually causing another human being. Let's be for real...

 

Good luck!

[PhoenixRise]

How about this,

 

Instead of you calling up the wife to deliberately hurt her (again) in an effort to manipulate the MM, why don't you just be a damn grown up?

 

Can you do that?

 

You and he are on some sick merry-go-round playing out the exact same scenarios again and again hoping for what?

 

MM came to you before and said he was leaving the wife and wanted so badly to be with you. You sent him back but crapped all over the wife by calling her to tell her everything he said to you and all about your great "love"

 

Now after he has left home and moved in with you, you send him home and want to know if you should call the wife to crap all over her again. What is your motive for wanting to do this again?

 

Grow up. If you want him so bad then the price is the wife's pain and devastation and all the conflicting feelings that go along with that. If you love each other so much the grow the frick up and pay the price.

 

If you are walking away then get to stepping. Don't hang around and cry and shake, and have panic attacks. Just go. No need to crap on somebody (the wife) who has done you no harm in order to enforce a decision you (supposedly an adult) have made.

 

This MM seems to have the emotional maturity of a slug. If he can be bent out of his own decisions by his wife and manipulated and sent to and fro by you it is a wonder he knows how to dress himself every day.

 

I just hope that the combination of your manipulations + his lack of a discernible backbone don't push his wife over the edge.

[TigerCub]

So you are just soooo in love with this guy that you are already looking at online dating sites, right?

 

I saw a thread that you started in the dating section a few weeks ago. You're playing both sides too, come on, admit it!

 

Why not just leave this poor man & his wife alone & go and find someone single? Or do you enjoy all of this drama... unless it is fictional, that is...LOL. I have a hard time believing that anyone would still be embroiled in a mess like this one, willingly, at least.

 

On the assumption that all of this drama is NOT bs, sounds like you are just addicted to the drama and attention and sex with this guy. 6 months is NOTHING and its still the beginning part of a relationship where the sex is still great 24/7... and what would you do if he does "become yours" and then finds a new hot sexy girl he wants to be with next year or the year after, once your addiction cools off?

I agree with everything you said here TG, except the part in bold.

Miranda's MM is certainly not the "poor" anything in this - he's a manipulative, lying, using, douche!

 

Everything else - very true!

[BB07]

This! And the others who pointed out how you and mm are drama addicts and even though you say you don't like it.......you do or else you wouldn't keep doing it. I call bs on the noble stuff by both of you, your mm sure as hell isn't doing his bs any favors and you throwing him out to go back to her, it was your fear, not a damn thing is noble about it.

 

If you don't put a stop this someone is going to snap. When his wife finally does feel the fury of what has been done to her by you and him, someone may end up dead.

 

 

 

How about this,

 

Instead of you calling up the wife to deliberately hurt her (again) in an effort to manipulate the MM, why don't you just be a damn grown up?

 

Can you do that?

 

You and he are on some sick merry-go-round playing out the exact same scenarios again and again hoping for what?

 

MM came to you before and said he was leaving the wife and wanted so badly to be with you. You sent him back but crapped all over the wife by calling her to tell her everything he said to you and all about your great "love"

 

Now after he has left home and moved in with you, you send him home and want to know if you should call the wife to crap all over her again. What is your motive for wanting to do this again?

 

Grow up. If you want him so bad then the price is the wife's pain and devastation and all the conflicting feelings that go along with that. If you love each other so much the grow the frick up and pay the price.

 

If you are walking away then get to stepping. Don't hang around and cry and shake, and have panic attacks. Just go. No need to crap on somebody (the wife) who has done you no harm in order to enforce a decision you (supposedly an adult) have made.

 

This MM seems to have the emotional maturity of a slug. If he can be bent out of his own decisions by his wife and manipulated and sent to and fro by you it is a wonder he knows how to dress himself every day.

 

I just hope that the combination of your manipulations + his lack of a discernible backbone don't push his wife over the edge.

[bentnotbroken]

What are the two of you waiting for? Her to kill herself so that the both of you can protest to anyone who will listen that the choice was her's.:confused:You would be right...the choice would be her's but the two of you are like to little "devils" sitting on her shoulder, whispering in her ear "do it, do it." If you two or going to shove her over the edge....crap or get off the pot. This cat/mouse, I need to be in a drama(as a poster said, "hotmess") and the two of us are acting to cowardly to do anything other than what we are doing.

[alexandria35]

How about this,

 

Instead of you calling up the wife to deliberately hurt her (again) in an effort to manipulate the MM, why don't you just be a damn grown up?

 

Can you do that?

 

You and he are on some sick merry-go-round playing out the exact same scenarios again and again hoping for what?

 

MM came to you before and said he was leaving the wife and wanted so badly to be with you. You sent him back but crapped all over the wife by calling her to tell her everything he said to you and all about your great "love"

 

Now after he has left home and moved in with you, you send him home and want to know if you should call the wife to crap all over her again. What is your motive for wanting to do this again?

 

Grow up. If you want him so bad then the price is the wife's pain and devastation and all the conflicting feelings that go along with that. If you love each other so much the grow the frick up and pay the price.

 

If you are walking away then get to stepping. Don't hang around and cry and shake, and have panic attacks. Just go. No need to crap on somebody (the wife) who has done you no harm in order to enforce a decision you (supposedly an adult) have made.

 

This MM seems to have the emotional maturity of a slug. If he can be bent out of his own decisions by his wife and manipulated and sent to and fro by you it is a wonder he knows how to dress himself every day.

 

I just hope that the combination of your manipulations + his lack of a discernible backbone don't push his wife over the edge.

 

Exactly what I was thinking!! OP it's like you're getting some kind of sick satisfaction from having the BS in your relationship with your MM. Whenever he tries to leave her you send him home so you can resume the affair and then you want to make sure his wife knows about it to ensure that there is still as much drama and pain as there possibly can be. You and your MM sound like you both need to be institutionilized.

[Angelina527]

This is absolutely disgusting. That man is cruel and heartless. He's emotionally tortured his wife and played games with her to the point of hospitalization and you have helped him. There is no excuse for this behavior on his part, or yours for that matter. Stop being selfish...you're toying with that poor woman as much as he is.

 

One thing I have learned is that you will pay for your actions in one way or another. Read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276670/ and you will see that it really does happen. Some day this is going to be you, sweetheart.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but this story makes me ill on so many levels.

[jstobo]

Wasn't there a poster user her nieces username. Lexy or something like that? This sounds like the OW of that BS. Stories are so similar. That would be a coincidence.

[jsb58]

This same Poster was on the Infidelity Forum pretending to be the BS by posting under another id.

Sick and immature is the norm for the OP looks like.

[whichwayisup]

Why the heck would you tell his wife? YOU KNOW WHAT MENTAL STATE she's in! Stop playing this sick and twisted game.

 

Get some therapy because one day you WILL regret your actions and messing with his wife.

 

If you want the A over, break it off again and stay away from him completely, ignore him. Why tell her? So you can have him hate you, enough to not want you anymore? WTF.

 

I'm sorry I read this thread as it's made my blood boil.

[ladyinlimbo]

Should you tell his wife? Ha. You claim you won't get anything out of it. Puhlease!! You know darn well that your ONLY motivation for considering it is so that she might just remain gone and then you'll have your happy little life with a man who treated his wife of 20 years like total dirt beneath his feet.

 

How can you live with yourself, knowing that you have actively participated in a relationship in which another woman has been hurt so deeply?

 

And how do you know for one second that anything he tells you he tells her is true? The man is obviously not the poster child for honesty and integrity. And yet you believe any word that comes out of his pie-hole?

 

And so what he texts you 10 times a day to tell you that he loves you. Clearly by he way he's betrayed his wife of 20 years, his idea of love is pretty skewed and ph0cked right up.

 

He is intentionally keeping his poor wife in limbo.

 

As a fellow woman, how can you live with yourself knowing that you have been a party to the devastation, betrayal and pain this poor woman who's done nothing to you?

 

How can you even respect a man who would do this to his wife of 20 years?

 

I hope she wises up and takes his lying a$$ to the cleaners and he's left with nothing but a mistress who he'll later get tired of and then move onto another with.

[waytogo]

If this story is even true, and it does have HUGE holes in it, explain this about this winner of a man please.

 

He has such compassion for his devistated wife he moves back in the house cause 'having him around helps her get over him'. Then he leaves again and only texts cause 'that would be easier for HER'. Then he blows up at her and tells his wife of 20 years to get on with it so he can get on with life with you and be happy.

 

He has quite a way with people. This is who you want to be attached to in life?!? I'm not sure what to wish for you

[SidLyon]

What are the two of you waiting for? Her to kill herself so that the both of you can protest to anyone who will listen that the choice was her's.:confused:You would be right...the choice would be her's but the two of you are like to little "devils" sitting on her shoulder, whispering in her ear "do it, do it." If you two or going to shove her over the edge....crap or get off the pot. This cat/mouse, I need to be in a drama(as a poster said, "hotmess") and the two of us are acting to cowardly to do anything other than what we are doing.

 

I think you might be right BNB.

[SidLyon]

Wasn't there a poster user her nieces username. Lexy or something like that? This sounds like the OW of that BS. Stories are so similar. That would be a coincidence.

 

This same Poster was on the Infidelity Forum pretending to be the BS by posting under another id.

Sick and immature is the norm for the OP looks like.

 

Does this mean Miranda and Lexy are the same person?

[N.A.]

I don't even know where to begin with how messed up this entire story is. It's sick, sad, twisted, horrible, you name it. Unfortunately, I have a friend who is going through this exact thing.

 

It's sickening to watch your friend go through such an acute pain and you are helpless. There is nothing anyone can to do console her, nothing that can be said to make her feel better, all she can do is cry, sob, and sometimes make the most horrible gutteral noises that you swear it sounds like her soul is dying! The only thing that can be done is watch, hug, cry with her, try to comfort her the best way you can and pray to GOD that she doesn't snap!

 

There is nothing about you OP that feels "bad" for this betrayed spouse. There is no part of you that is remorseful. The only thing that women like you seem to care about is yourself and the GAME! Because THAT is what this relationship is to you.

 

My question to you would be this: Since they have been together for 20 years, what about the children? Do you really think that anyone in his family is going to welcome you with open arms and be kind to you at all? Do you think the wives of his friends will even speak to you?

 

If I were you, I would take a long hard look at your life because the amount of bad juju that you and your precious jerk are putting out is sickening. I guarantee that the Universe will sit up and take notice of such blatant disregard for another human being.

[Rayne03]

I do not buy that any of your intentions are "good" as you paint your little story. You have been attempting to make yourself out to be this mature woman with the best intentions for this couple, but I'm afraid that I can read right through all that BS. You're phony and selfish and would take someone else's husband at whatever the cost. If you truly meant well in this situation, you wouldn't be in the middle of it.

 

You have NO rights or business when it comes to this union. They are MARRIED regardless of how you feel about him and how he THINKS he feels about you. These two people have the right to do everything they can to try mend their relationship, but with a third party constantly in the picture, it makes for a cloudy disrupted mess.

 

Get out of their marriage and stay out and if in the long run they DO TRULY legally separate and or divorce, then have at him. He's a weak man who does what is easy instead of doing what is right.

[miranda3379]

You are right- I will admit it- I used to feel bad for the wife. When we were discovered and she called me crying- I felt terrible. I wanted to take it all back and start over. I didn't go into this deliberately trying to hurt someone. It was never a game to me. To me - she just didn't exist. He never bad mouthed her- just basically explained their marriage to me and for those that say they have kids. THEY HAVE NO KIDS TOGETHER. The issues were that she showed him love by meeting certain needs (making dinner, being friends, taking care of the house) but she didn't share his interests, wouldn't go places with him, didn't share his accomplishments, wasn't involved in his life outside of their home. Then he met me and I met his needs for love and admirations and compliments and made him feel wanted. We have great amazing sex. We can talk for hours about anything. We connect on an emotional level that feels so good.

 

I know this is probably what every OW says- that they have such an amazing connection etc. But its what we feel. Now after his wife has totally blamed me for the affair- as though I drugged her husband and kidnapped him in the middle of the night and keep him tied up in my basement. And she totally excuses him from any wrong doing. In the beginning she asked me for honesty and I gave it to her. I didn't lie to her and cover up what we had done. She came after me, came after my job, my pets, my family. I understand she was devastated, crushed etc. But to lay the blame 100% at MY feet and none on her husband's makes me angry. I will take my share of the blame and the hatred and humiliation that go along with it. But I won't take 100%. He even told her after she said I was a slut for sleeping with a married man he said "well this married man had no problem chosing to have sex with her so you can't blame it all on her" And even though he told her the truth )that he's in love with me and didn't want to be with her, she still wanted him back. SHe still begged etc. She KNEW he had an affair with me as well as one ten years ago (I told her) yet she chose not to believe that and acted like I'm some sort of magician that wooed her innocent husband away. And that makes me furious.

 

I suggested he go back and I let him go because he didn't seem happy- he was depressed and upset and reality of hurting his wife was hitting him (so I thought). So i left the door open and he left. I thought he truly would work on his marriage because of the guilt that he felt. Yet it seems now that his wife is halfway hopeful, the guilt is gone and he wants to turn our relationship back into a secretive affair.

 

I want to tell his wife for two reasons. One she is gloating that she won him back. That all her pleading begging etc made him realize he needs her. This is not the case. #2 I want to tell his wife because she deserves to know. while not unselfish of me, I can't imagine being with someone and giving them a chance and it probably being the only thing you want in life and having the other person crap all over you. Because that is what he is doing. Last night she was texting him about the weather (trying to keep in contact, probably trying to see if he was actually home) and he was in my bed making love with me. When we were done he texted her some lies about the dogs and the rain. Then he was laughing when he texted her back right before round two. Said "I'm about to (perform oral sex) on you and she thinks I'm sitting at home by myself" and HE LAUGHED.

 

He's seen her cry, seen her devastated. But he thinks he won't get caught. If she was living with him again and he continues to do this and she thought they were working things out I know she would be devastated beyond belief if she found out. Maybe then she'd wise up and leave him.

 

I really don't understand how he can continue to do this to her. He told her we are not talking at all and yet we've talked on the phone for hours and hours since he's said that. We've seen eachother, gone out on dates, and had sex many times since he's told her that. And I'm tired of people saying why do I continue to do this to his wife? I don't owe her anything. HE DOES. Why does he continue to do this if he felt guilty at all? Where is the guilt now? His pretending to do what she wants takes that away even though its a lie? He is the one who married her, he is the one who owes her his honesty, his trust, the truth. He owes it to her to stay away from me, not the other way around. I KNOW I should stay away from him. But it feels so good to be with him. to talk to laugh to make love. I know I have a problem. I feel so much pain when I'm not with him and even though he may be the world's biggest ass and a horrible person- I don't see him that way. to me, he has always treated me well, always put me first. he walked away from someone he was with for 20 plus years to be with me. And he didn't hide it from anyone. he told EVERYONE, his family, his friends etc how happy he was. He was proud to be with me.

 

I have never had anyone who didn't take me for granted, who treated me like a princess, who would do anything to make me happy. Even when we broke up, I was sad and he wanted to keep in touch with me to help me through it. I know to everyone else he is a lying piece of sh*t but to me he's a man who has treated me better than anyone else ever has. and that is why I still love him. Because he took care of me, he gave me everything I could ever want. I know that isn't an excuse for hurting another person but as I see it, she has the facts. He told her he loves me, doesnt want to be with her etc. And now that he's said he wants to work things out- he told her he wants to give her her life back so she can function again.

 

I don't think I am thinking clearly but I do think that even if I was totally out of the picture he would not put his heart into working things out with her. he would just find someone else to fill that void with. I mean he has seen first hand how much she is hurting and he will take the chance to continue things with me and hurt her all over again when he knows this is her biggest fear???? To me she is a stranger and one that I have anger toward but to him he spent 20 plus years with her so why would he allow her to be hurt like that again??

[miranda3379]

I do not buy that any of your intentions are "good" as you paint your little story. You have been attempting to make yourself out to be this mature woman with the best intentions for this couple, but I'm afraid that I can read right through all that BS. You're phony and selfish and would take someone else's husband at whatever the cost. If you truly meant well in this situation, you wouldn't be in the middle of it.

 

You have NO rights or business when it comes to this union. They are MARRIED regardless of how you feel about him and how he THINKS he feels about you. These two people have the right to do everything they can to try mend their relationship, but with a third party constantly in the picture, it makes for a cloudy disrupted mess.

 

Get out of their marriage and stay out and if in the long run they DO TRULY legally separate and or divorce, then have at him. He's a weak man who does what is easy instead of doing what is right.

 

 

what I don't understand is you act like I am acting like his wife was- begging pleading stalking him, threatening suicide to keep him around. I have done none of that. And as for me being a third party- he was living with me, he left. I know he is still married. that is on HIM. They do have a right to repair their relationship if they choose to. but that takes both people involved being committed to repairing it. Obviously he is not interested in repairing his relationship even though he says he is. I might be a third party but HE is involving me. I'm not begging him to talk to me or see me. He WANTS To. I don't understand why I am being crucified for wanting to be with him. This is the OW/OM forum. Everyone here is or was in a relationship with someone who was married. we all know it is wrong but we still did it for whatever reasons. I don't seek out MM and have relationships with them. I happened to meet and fall in love with someone who was married. Yes I chose that and I'll take the blame for that bad decision. But you are blaming me for being a third party and constantly in the picture. I'm not throwing myself at him, I'm not begging him I'm not stalking him. In reality it feels like his wife is the third party because he is putting me first and not her. Its his responsibility to do what is best for his wife and for himeself and their marriage. Not mine.