kiss_andmakeup Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I've been a member here for a while but haven't posted much in the past month or so due to what's been going on. At the end of last month I found out that my boyfriend (of nearly 3 years) had responded to multiple Craigslist "casual encounter" ads posted by women. I was playing a game on his phone (with his permission) and a little e-mail notification popped up on the bottom of the screen and the subject was "RE: craigslist." We had been trying to sell a mattress, a computer, and a few other things on Craigslist recently so I foolishly assumed it was concerning that, and decided to open it. It definitely was not about a mattress. After reading the initial response e-mail I went to his sent messages and saw that he had replied to at least 5 craigslist ads from women looking for sex. I literally felt like I was going to throw up. I confronted him immediately, showing him the messages and demanding an explanation. I probably could have gone about it a bit better but I was fuming mad. According to him he never actually followed through with any of the encounters...just liked the thrill of corresponding with these people. And you know what? I actually believe that. But I don't care. Given that this is the latest in a string of events that have made me question my trust in him (see threads http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273565/ and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247987/), I told him my trust was permanently damaged and that it was over. I moved out the next day. He was a wreck. He is still a wreck. He's sent flowers, cards, long winded heartfelt apologies, the whole shebang. But I just don't think I can get over this. I actually didn't come here for advice right away because my gut instinct was so strong that I wanted to just go with it, give it a few weeks, and see how I feel. Now I'm wondering what the LSers would have to say about everything. I feel like there is nothing I could have done better in our relationship in terms of keeping him interested. We had sex at LEAST 5 nights a week, sometimes more than once. I never turned him away unless I was legitimately ill/exhausted. I kept myself in great shape (much better than him, who had gained at least 35 lbs by the end of our relationship) and put in an effort to look nice for him (kept my hair long the way he liked it, etc). At events we went to people would be shocked that I was his girlfriend and would tell him how lucky he was. But it all wasn't enough; he still needed more. It's been over for almost a month now and I find myself wondering if I made the right decision.
tigressA Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) You definitely made the right decision. Stick with it pretty lady, ((hugs)) to you. What a jackass that guy is! :mad: I would also take satisfaction in knowing that he knows he messed up big time. He has been apologizing to you, so he knows he's done major wrong. Edited May 23, 2011 by tigressA
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 You definitely made the right decision. Stick with it pretty lady, ((hugs)) to you. What a jackass that guy is! :mad: I would also take satisfaction in knowing that he knows he messed up BIG TIME. Thanks tigress, I admit your response was one of the ones I was waiting for considering your somewhat recent ordeal with your cheating ex. Thanks for the hugs. And yes, I know that he knows, and there is at least some consolation in that.
tigressA Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Thanks tigress, I admit your response was one of the ones I was waiting for considering your somewhat recent ordeal with your cheating ex. Thanks for the hugs. And yes, I know that he knows, and there is at least some consolation in that. I'm glad I could help. As soon as I saw your thread posted I was like "WHAT?!" because things had seemed so solid between you two; it was a long relationship. I felt chills reading your post. Good on you for ending it as soon as you found out what was up. I hope you're coping well, keep being the lovely class act that you are. More hugs!
utterer of lies Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Did I make the right decision in ending it? Yes. Yes, you did.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I'm glad I could help. As soon as I saw your thread posted I was like "WHAT?!" because things had seemed so solid between you two; it was a long relationship. I felt chills reading your post. Good on you for ending it as soon as you found out what was up. I hope you're coping well, keep being the lovely class act that you are. More hugs! Thank you. Yes. Yes, you did. Thanks for responding. I'm starting to feel better already.
SmileFace Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I am sorry to hear this. I was surprised when I saw your thread title. I wish you the best. You know what is best for you and I think you should stick to your decision. Sorry, you deserve better.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I am sorry to hear this. I was surprised when I saw your thread title. I wish you the best. You know what is best for you and I think you should stick to your decision. Sorry, you deserve better. Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it.
tman666 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Of course you made the right decision ending it... Craigslist? Gimme a break... That's not only supremely sleazy, but he was showing that he was willing to put your health at risk by trolling from random ass. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.
tigressA Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I hate to even say this, but it must be said. Definitely go for STD testing ASAP, if you haven't already. Given the evidence, I wouldn't put it past him to have physically cheated while still in the relationship. I remember my ex claimed he was never physically involved with the 'other woman' while he was with me, but he had lied so many times I could never trust any statement like that from him.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Of course you made the right decision ending it... Craigslist? Gimme a break... That's not only supremely sleazy, but he was showing that he was willing to put your health at risk by trolling from random ass. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Thank you. I appreciate the support. I hate to even say this, but it must be said. Definitely go for STD testing ASAP, if you haven't already. Given the evidence, I wouldn't put it past him to have physically cheated while still in the relationship. I remember my ex claimed he was never physically involved with the 'other woman' while he was with me, but he had lied so many times I could never trust any statement like that from him. That was actually one of my first thoughts when everything went down. I got tested right after the blow-up and everything was negative, but I'm going to do a second test in six weeks just in case. Thanks for your concern.
Enchanted Girl Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I'm so glad that you got tested for STD's and you absolutely did the right thing. Your ex sounds identical to mine almost. It freaks me out a bit and although my ex broke-up with me, I'm glad he did because I didn't have the sound mind you did to leave him. It doesn't matter whether your boyfriend had sex with these women or not. The fact is, he's a liar and you have to have trust in a relationship for it to survive. I know exactly how all of this feels. My ex became an alcoholic behind my back while telling me that he never drank alcohol. He smoked some cigars while telling me he'd never do those things. He started watching porn and masturbating to it multiple times in a day while telling me that he thought men who did that were perverts. And I wouldn't have known ANY of this because he was so good at lying except that he finally admitted it all to me. I dated him for five years and found out that most of those years he had been telling lies to me and doing all these things behind my back. He also decided that he wanted an open relationship and when I said no, he started throwing tantrums about it and screaming at me and calling me all kinds of horrible things and insisting I was ruining his life. How long were you dating this guy? Because let me tell you . . . . . a guy with this kind of personality is toxic. They just get worse and worse over time, act more and more selfish, and tell you more and more elaborate lies. It wouldn't have gotten better. It would absolutely have gotten worse for you. So I want to reassure you that you did the right thing. He was only dragging you down. Now you can go off and get a boyfriend who never lies to you and doesn't try to do shady things behind your back. Its nice not to stress out and worry all the time about what bad thing they'll do next and what lie they might be telling you. It's really nice to just trust the person you are with. And yea, since my ex told me flat out lies like that all the time with a straight face, I know that he could easily be lying to you about actually sleeping with those women and since the trust is lost in the relationship, you can never know for sure either way.
Cracker Jack Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I definitely think you did the right thing. Sorry that this happened to you. I always appreciate reading your posts, and I can tell you're a good person. Things will get better for you. Don't second guess things, because you made the right decision here.
Crazy Magnet Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 1000 times yes, you did the right thing. Now cut his lying, cheating butt off. Have all his cards, flowers, chocolate and whatever else returned to him. If he was really that sorry and really that in love with you, he would never have done it in the first place. He's only sorry he got caught! Stay strong and classy! Keep your head up. You deserve way better than this.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the replies everyone. It really helps. Enchanted, thanks for sharing your personal experience. To answer your question, we were together for almost 3 years. Edited May 24, 2011 by kiss_andmakeup
Rinnix Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 You absolutely made the right decision. Just like the other posters believe, you deserve better then that. Hope you're healing okay!
Ruby Slippers Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 You did the right thing. He proved to you that you really are too good for him. Sorry. *hug*
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 (edited) :love: HUGS to all of you guys. You have really made me feel a lot better. At one point when everything was going down he said something that really hit me. I can't remember his exact words because the whole evening is such a blur. But it was to the effect of, I'm just going to waste my youth dating around and then realize, when I don't find anyone else and end up alone in my 30's or 40's or beyond, that I made a huge mistake by not giving him another chance. That really rocked my self esteem. He thinks I am that undesirable that I won't be able to find someone else eventually? I think that was a showing of his true colours - I would never say something like that to him. He has since retracted that statement, claiming it was just a defense mechanism used in the heat of the moment. But it's hard to get something like that out of your mind. He basically told me that I won't be able to find someone who loves me as much as he does and that I'll end up alone. I'm trying not to buy into that sentiment since I think it's total BS, but every now and then the thought creeps up on me and really brings me down. So, thanks so much for all the words of encouragement. You guys have really made me feel a lot better. Edited May 24, 2011 by kiss_andmakeup
Rinnix Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I wouldn't listen to that at all. You're not undesirable at all, you're a very pretty lady, and you have so much to offer. Don't let his comments get to you. They were only reflecting how he feels on the inside about himself. Don't take his hateful comments seriously, he know's he lost a gem.
Tybalt Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Oh boy, I'd say you have truly escaped from a bad situation. My guess is you nicked the edge of a very dark iceberg. My ex-husband wore my self esteem down for years. He told me I was paranoid and crazy when I felt suspicious of his behavior with other women. Later I discovered he'd been cheating on me with a multitude of people the entire 6 years we were together. His actions and verbage sound like those of an entitled, emotionally abusive person who is wired in a twisted way. Not good relationship material. He is not correct. Hold to your own integrity and character, and better things will come into your life, I am sure of it.
Enchanted Girl Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 :love: HUGS to all of you guys. You have really made me feel a lot better. At one point when everything was going down he said something that really hit me. I can't remember his exact words because the whole evening is such a blur. But it was to the effect of, I'm just going to waste my youth dating around and then realize, when I don't find anyone else and end up alone in my 30's or 40's or beyond, that I made a huge mistake by not giving him another chance. That really rocked my self esteem. He thinks I am that undesirable that I won't be able to find someone else eventually? I think that was a showing of his true colours - I would never say something like that to him. He has since retracted that statement, claiming it was just a defense mechanism used in the heat of the moment. But it's hard to get something like that out of your mind. He basically told me that I won't be able to find someone who loves me as much as he does and that I'll end up alone. I'm trying not to buy into that sentiment since I think it's total BS, but every now and then the thought creeps up on me and really brings me down. So, thanks so much for all the words of encouragement. You guys have really made me feel a lot better. If you can attract one guy, then you can also attract many other ones. Seriously, look at old married women. I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, but in a lot of ways they are probably not as attractive as you and they still have men who love them. (There's always someone uglier that you can find who still has a spouse.) You can still have the same. There is hope for everyone and beauty in you even if you don't see it. He's just saying this to try to control you and also because he doesn't value you (which is why he treats you like such crap) and is still speaking to you as if you have no value. When my ex found out that I had dated multiple people after him and gotten into a serious relationship with one of them, he was so shocked that he called me and told me,"You mean you didn't kill yourself without me? I thought you would be dead by now." He thought I was so pathetic and so worthless that my life would literally end without him in it. He also grew jealous. Missing the way I was always there, no more how crappy he treated me and wishing I would keep waiting for him forever. These kinds of guys are just losers who think they are entitled to every selfish whim they have.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Firstly, YES you 100% did the right thing. Secondly, I don't think that what he did has much to do with him not being in love with you or not loving you enough. It has everything to do with his character which is rotten at its core. He has no integrity. This is not something that can change. Just consider yourself lucky to have found this out when you did - you could have easily wasted few more years with him.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Hahahaha..... Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! you made the right decision. If you would like to take a look at "what could've been" then read my threads. If there is any way you can get this guy further away from you (perhaps the Moon for instance) do it. Apologies are shut without action and backup. There is not much going back when the sexual issues crop up during a dating relationship.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 If you can attract one guy, then you can also attract many other ones. Seriously, look at old married women. I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, but in a lot of ways they are probably not as attractive as you and they still have men who love them. (There's always someone uglier that you can find who still has a spouse.) You can still have the same. There is hope for everyone and beauty in you even if you don't see it. He's just saying this to try to control you and also because he doesn't value you (which is why he treats you like such crap) and is still speaking to you as if you have no value. When my ex found out that I had dated multiple people after him and gotten into a serious relationship with one of them, he was so shocked that he called me and told me,"You mean you didn't kill yourself without me? I thought you would be dead by now." He thought I was so pathetic and so worthless that my life would literally end without him in it. He also grew jealous. Missing the way I was always there, no more how crappy he treated me and wishing I would keep waiting for him forever. These kinds of guys are just losers who think they are entitled to every selfish whim they have. Wow! That's terrible. I'm glad you got away from him and got that toxicity out of your life. Thanks for sharing your experiences; it's been really helpful and has given me some insight. Oh boy, I'd say you have truly escaped from a bad situation. My guess is you nicked the edge of a very dark iceberg. My ex-husband wore my self esteem down for years. He told me I was paranoid and crazy when I felt suspicious of his behavior with other women. Later I discovered he'd been cheating on me with a multitude of people the entire 6 years we were together. His actions and verbage sound like those of an entitled, emotionally abusive person who is wired in a twisted way. Not good relationship material. He is not correct. Hold to your own integrity and character, and better things will come into your life, I am sure of it. Thank you. I wouldn't listen to that at all. You're not undesirable at all, you're a very pretty lady, and you have so much to offer. Don't let his comments get to you. They were only reflecting how he feels on the inside about himself. Don't take his hateful comments seriously, he know's he lost a gem. I'm trying not to take them seriously. Every now and then they just creep into my mind though. Thank you. Firstly, YES you 100% did the right thing. Secondly, I don't think that what he did has much to do with him not being in love with you or not loving you enough. It has everything to do with his character which is rotten at its core. He has no integrity. This is not something that can change. Just consider yourself lucky to have found this out when you did - you could have easily wasted few more years with him. I do definitely feel that way - to be honest we might have even gotten married, so yes, I'm glad I figured things out before that. Thanks for the input. Hahahaha..... Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! you made the right decision. If you would like to take a look at "what could've been" then read my threads. If there is any way you can get this guy further away from you (perhaps the Moon for instance) do it. Apologies are shut without action and backup. There is not much going back when the sexual issues crop up during a dating relationship. I've seen your threads, DOT, and for that reason I sincerely appreciate your input. Thank you so much for replying.
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