Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 My boyfriend spends 4-5 nights per week on his hobby, and he also does it most Sunday afternoons for 3-4 hours. He also takes on additional duties such as committee membership and paperwork related to his hobby, which sucks up a lot of his remaining free time. This leaves very little time for us as a couple; even when he isn't out doing his hobby he still has paperwork and committee meetings. Saturday daytime he does chores and grocery shopping etc, which he doesn't have time to do on week nights because he's always doing hobbies. He sees me regularly on a Saturday night and stays over, but on Sunday morning he has breakfast and then goes off to his hobby again. I don't see him afterwards because he goes home to do whatever else he needs to do, paperwork or stuff for the committee or more chores. He's sometimes available to see me on Monday evening, but Tues-Fri he's out doing his hobby every single night. Admittedly I go with him on two of those nights (otherwise I'd hardly see him at all), but we don't really spend any quality time alone together because we're in a group. We never see each other on a Friday night because he has a permanent engagement with his hobby. Our only intimate time is when he drops in to my place after his hobby and spends an hour with me (usually 10-11pm), and of course on a Saturday night. There have been occasional times where he's freed up a Saturday or Sunday to spend with me, but in almost a year of dating I could count those occasions on the fingers of one hand. I feel like he expects me to fit in around his schedule, an hour here and an hour there, and it makes me feel bad when he's out all evening and drops in for sex at 10pm before he goes home to bed. I've tried to talk to him about this, but he just got angry and said I was trying to stop him doing a hobby that he enjoys. I'm happy for him to have time for his hobby, but does he really have to do it 5-6 days per week plus doing additional paperwork and being a committee member on top of that? He could attend one hobby group and also have time to be a committee member, or he could drop his committee duties and have time for two groups if he took a lesser role in both. But taking a large role in multiple different groups pretty much every single evening, doing committee duties and having permanent Friday night and Sunday commitments just seems too much. I understand that he was single before he met me, and he filled his time with hobbies. But I don't think he can expect to maintain the same level of involvement in hobbies and still sustain a relationship. A relationship should be more than one evening alone together per week and a snatched hour here and there. I'd like to have an evening at home together to watch tv, or go to the cinema, or go out for drinks or dinner, or even just talk and spend time together. I'd like to have a weekend day free so we could go for a walk, or a day trip, or go shopping, or even have a weekend away together. Am I being selfish, or is he?
mo mo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I wouldn't say either of you are really being selfish. He's just obsessed over this "hobby" and doesn't value your relationship that much. Maybe he doesn't value relationships very much at all. You can't force someone to. If this isn't what you wanted, you should start looking elsewhere. PS I find it a little strange that you kept saying "his hobby" over and over and didn't say what it actually was.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I feel like he expects me to fit in around his schedule, an hour here and an hour there, and it makes me feel bad when he's out all evening and drops in for sex at 10pm before he goes home to bed. You don't have to let him drop in for an hour of 'quality time', and you don't have to contort yourself to fit his schedule. I wouldn't. Am I being selfish, or is he? Well, it sounds like you're both being selfish -- he wants lots of hobby time for himself, and you want more together time for yourself. If I were in your situation, I would probably cool to him and start doing more of my own thing, regardless of his availability. He'll either adapt to you more, or not, and then you'll know where he stands.
Author Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 PS I find it a little strange that you kept saying "his hobby" over and over and didn't say what it actually was. He's obsessed with the golf club. He's on the committee at one club so he attends meetings, he organizes fundraisers, he produces the club newsletter, he manages the website, as well as playing golf. If he only played at one club he'd be out 1-2 nights per week and the occasional Sunday, but he insists on being a member of at least three different clubs at a time, so he's playing golf at least 4-5 nights per week and possibly attending a committee meeting or doing extra practice at other times. Every Sunday there seems to be an event at one of his clubs - sometimes he goes to a morning event at one club, grabs a sandwich and goes straight to an afternoon event at another club. Then when he does have a spare minute he's on the computer doing the newsletter or organizing stuff for the club - and when that's done he rushes off to do grocery shopping and chores because he was too busy to do them earlier. The other committee members only belong to one golf club. A couple of his friends attend two golf clubs, but they don't take on committee duties and they don't take a major role in the clubs, hence they have time to attend both. Sometimes they play at one club for a while, then take a break for a few months to spend time with their families, and go back to the club for the tournament in the next season. My boyfriend is the only one who spends all his time at multiple golf clubs all year round. I can understand how he got to be that way, because when he was single he filled his time with attending golf clubs instead of sitting at home alone - but he can't expect to continue doing that and have a relationship at the same time. I even joined one of his golf clubs, and I attend 1-2 nights per week just so we can see each other, but we end up in a large group of people doing different things at different levels, so I hardly see him and we don't get to spend any time alone together. He thinks he sees me a lot because we go to golf 1-2 times a week (but we don't spend that time together) and he spends an hour with me afterwards, then maybe he drops in for an hour at 10pm on another night, and he stays over on Saturday night. To me, the odd snatched hour here and there doesn't count, and neither does the time we spend in a large group of people at the golf club (half of the time he isn't even in the same room as me) - the only quality time we have alone together is Saturday night, and one night isn't enough. I really don't know what to do. When I suggested that he should focus on one club at a time, or attend two clubs but have less involvement to reduce the time commitment, he accused me of wanting to stop him doing his hobby. I don't want to stop him doing something he enjoys, I just want him to limit the amount of time he does it so we can have a life together! I can't help wondering what would happen if we had a family - would he prefer to go to golf every night rather than raising his kids? For his friends this is a hobby which is a small part of their lives, but to him this is his life. If his life is full of golf then there doesn't seem to be much room for me
Star Gazer Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Well, it sounds like you're both being selfish -- he wants lots of hobby time for himself, and you want more together time for yourself. I don't think she's being selfish. She doesn't want quality time just for herself, but for BOTH of them as a couple. It benefits him too, ya know. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
Author Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Well, it sounds like you're both being selfish -- he wants lots of hobby time for himself, and you want more together time for yourself. Is it selfish to want to spend quality time with your partner?
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Is it selfish to want to spend quality time with your partner? I personally don't think you're the least bit selfish for wanting to actually spend some quality time with your partner when you're in a relationship with them. I have no idea how that could be construed as selfishness on your part, given the information you've presented. Why even BE in a relationship if there's very little quality time spent together? - might as well just be single and have friends. It appears that he wants his cake and to be able to eat it too. He wants to totally maintain the same lifestyle he had while single, while having the perks of a relationship........and that he sets all of the rules. Pretty one-sided if you ask me. If he's been this way for a year, chances are he's not going to change........particularly due to the fact that you've brought this all up and asked him to consider lessening his obligations a little and he's gotten angry and defensive and is totally unwilling to compromise and see things from your point of view. Seems he's made it clear that it's his way or the highway, so to speak..........and that he's not open to any discussion or dialogue about things so frankly I don't see what hope there really is for the 2 of you. I would seriously reconsider this relationship, and I would suggest making yourself less available. As it stands now, you keep your schedule open every Sat night because that's really the only time you get to spend much time with him. Stop that. Start making other plans for Sat nights, even if it's tough. And if/when he kicks up a fuss about it, explain to him that you've been accommodating for a whole year and it needs to be a two-way street. I would put an end to the occasional one-hour visits where he gets to just stop by at 10pm for a little quickie then run home. Your home isn't the No-Tell Motel. How old is he, by the way? And you? And you're right........if you 2 were to marry, things would not change....except that if you had children you would have all of the responsibility because his hobby would remain his focus..........and you would really grow to resent him. It's doubtful that having children would cause him to change his focus because it really seems like it's an unhealthy obsession as opposed to merely a hobby.
Author Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I think he's struggling to adapt to being in a relationship. He's shy and has never had what I'd call an "adult relationship", only some casual dating at college in his youth. We're 28 now, and I'm still not sure he's ready for a proper relationship. I totally understand why he got so involved in golf - he was never popular, never had friends, and then he found something he was good at. Suddenly he has golf buddies, is a committee member, gets invited to play games at other clubs, and people tell him he's talented and want to be around him. He relishes the fact that people contact him and ask him to do stuff, because nobody ever really bothered with him before - finally he feels wanted. He loves showing off and being admired and applauded, being in charge of things, being noticed, being important - and he's reluctant to let go of any of that glory. He had no personal life outside of golf, at least not until I came along. I feel like he's tied his self esteem to his golf persona, and he's very reluctant to let go of that, not even to make room for a relationship. It's sad because a relationship is the one thing he really wanted, but now he finally has it he's killing it by not making room for it in his life.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I think he's struggling to adapt to being in a relationship. He's shy and has never had what I'd call an "adult relationship", only some casual dating at college in his youth. We're 28 now, and I'm still not sure he's ready for a proper relationship. I totally understand why he got so involved in golf - he was never popular, never had friends, and then he found something he was good at. Suddenly he has golf buddies, is a committee member, gets invited to play games at other clubs, and people tell him he's talented and want to be around him. He relishes the fact that people contact him and ask him to do stuff, because nobody ever really bothered with him before - finally he feels wanted. He loves showing off and being admired and applauded, being in charge of things, being noticed, being important - and he's reluctant to let go of any of that glory. He had no personal life outside of golf, at least not until I came along. I feel like he's tied his self esteem to his golf persona, and he's very reluctant to let go of that, not even to make room for a relationship. It's sad because a relationship is the one thing he really wanted, but now he finally has it he's killing it by not making room for it in his life. While it's understandable, based on what you explained about his history, why he's so immersed in golf and all that it entails, it doesn't negate the fact that he's putting you way down there on the priority list. If he was just 2 months into a relationship with you I might encourage you to just give him some time to acclimate to being in a relationship and learning to share his time/life with someone..............but it's been a whole year now and he's made it very clear that golf and his related commitments will always come first. Life is about choices and it seems he's made his known..........now you have to make your choice. Is it really worth investing more of your time and heart in someone who can't really give you the time of day?.....who is not the least bit open to discussions on the subject or any degree of compromise? Seems that he's perfectly fine with the way things are and sees no need to change things. So at present it's all about his way, his needs, his wants, his rules, his time, his passions, etc. Where do you even fit into any of this? It seems that you really don't. Do you live somewhere where golf season is year round? What are you inclined to do at this point?
aboheleven Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 he is being selfish. you're not. you should be with someone that wants to make time with you - no matter how many jobs or hobbies he has. you have to decide if this is what you want in your life because this will not change - it will only get worse. good luck.
Author Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 He was actually surprised that I'm not happy, because he thought he saw quite a lot of me. He stays over on Saturday evening, and mostly manages to make himself available on Monday evening. Then he drops in to my house a couple of evenings per week for an hour, either before golf (so I can make his dinner) or after golf (for sex), or sometimes both. I go to the golf club with him 1-2 times per week but have little contact with him while we're there. He classes that as seeing me most evenings, but I only count the Saturday evening (and Monday if he's around). Dropping in for an hour for food or sex isn't spending time with me (especially not if he's texting and sending emails about the golf club the whole time). Taking me to the golf club and not having any contact with me all evening isn't spending time with me. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking that way, but I only count the evenings when he spends a decent amount of time with me and we do something together. We hardly ever spend a day together, because at weekends he's either catching up on chores, doing paperwork for the golf club committee, or he's down at the club. They play golf outdoors most of the year, and if the weather's bad they use the indoor practice facilities and have little competitions for fun. Even if he's not playing, he goes to the club for committee meetings and to do various organizational tasks, to sell tickets for fundraisers or to see someone about some arrangement or other. I think he likes feeling important. His friends might skip one competition to spend time with their wives, then attend the next competition after they've had a couple of months of quality time with their spouse - or if they need to be at the club more often, they make time for it by only attending one club. My boyfriend never prioritizes me like that - he prioritizes going to multiple clubs and being important and seeing his golf buddies, no matter how much time it takes up. I don't know what to do at this point. I love him, and he loves me but he wants me to fit in around his golf with an hour here and there, and I'm tired of it
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 He was actually surprised that I'm not happy, because he thought he saw quite a lot of me. He stays over on Saturday evening, and mostly manages to make himself available on Monday evening. Then he drops in to my house a couple of evenings per week for an hour, either before golf (so I can make his dinner) or after golf (for sex), or sometimes both. I go to the golf club with him 1-2 times per week but have little contact with him while we're there. He classes that as seeing me most evenings, but I only count the Saturday evening (and Monday if he's around). Dropping in for an hour for food or sex isn't spending time with me (especially not if he's texting and sending emails about the golf club the whole time). Taking me to the golf club and not having any contact with me all evening isn't spending time with me. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking that way, but I only count the evenings when he spends a decent amount of time with me and we do something together. We hardly ever spend a day together, because at weekends he's either catching up on chores, doing paperwork for the golf club committee, or he's down at the club. They play golf outdoors most of the year, and if the weather's bad they use the indoor practice facilities and have little competitions for fun. Even if he's not playing, he goes to the club for committee meetings and to do various organizational tasks, to sell tickets for fundraisers or to see someone about some arrangement or other. I think he likes feeling important. His friends might skip one competition to spend time with their wives, then attend the next competition after they've had a couple of months of quality time with their spouse - or if they need to be at the club more often, they make time for it by only attending one club. My boyfriend never prioritizes me like that - he prioritizes going to multiple clubs and being important and seeing his golf buddies, no matter how much time it takes up. I don't know what to do at this point. I love him, and he loves me but he wants me to fit in around his golf with an hour here and there, and I'm tired of it Well you can still love someone but not put up with crap. Put an end, at least for a while, to your availability. Stop being available to cook his dinner or have evening quickies. Tell him you're going to get some new hobbies yourself :-) Okay, maybe don't do that because you don't want to have to start lying....but start making other plans for those evenings; visit a friend, go for dinner with a friend, visit family, whatever. Right now he's got it made in the shade....for him, but it's not for you. Maybe he does figure things are great as it is and that he spends enough time with you but if it doesn't match your needs or expectations, it doesn't matter. Being in a relationship should be about balance; balance between one's job/hobbies/responsibilities/time with partner. At this point it seems that 80% of his focus is on his stuff. That's way off kilter. He likely doesn't realize this because you're his first real relationship and how it is now is all he knows...........but on the other hand, he's not acknowledging your feelings or needs. Relationships are about compromise and sacrifice on both sides. At present, you're doing all of these, he's doing none. But he still gets nice home-cooked meals and a roll in the sack without having to put much effort in at all. Start by making yourself unavailable for a few weeks, or at least a couple. Don't be angry or snotty to him, just advise him that you've come to the realization that you need to have some other interests as well, like him .
Jazzari Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Have you considered joining one of his clubs? You might like it and you could have fun on the hobby together.
tigressA Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Jazzari: She has joined one of his clubs. Thornton, ladyinlimbo has given you some good advice re: making yourself less available. Make other plans and see if he's willing to adapt to your schedule at all. It's time for you to stand up for your own needs instead of constantly accommodating someone who so far can't be bothered to prioritize you.
Jazzari Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Jazzari: She has joined one of his clubs. Sorry, missed that. Thanks Tigress.
Author Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Have you considered joining one of his clubs? You might like it and you could have fun on the hobby together. I have joined one of his clubs - I go with him 1-2 nights per week. It doesn't help much because a) he's always busy doing something while we're at the club, usually in another room; b) He attends an additional 3-4 nights per week by himself, plus he goes on Sunday. I don't class it as "quality time together" when we go to his club and I spend time with other people while he's busy with something else, and I think it's excessive when he goes 5 days per week and still has additional committee work to do at home.
batterup788 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) Thornton, It sounds like a tough situation for you. As a guy in a relationship currently I definitely enjoy having my free time and my own hobbies, but once I got into a relationship I had to give up some of the time I spent on those. I still have my own free time and pursue my interests, but definitely not almost 6 nights a week. My gf and I are both busy people, but we usually have 2-3 nights a week that we set aside for ourselves. We live 30 mins apart so the quick drop-ins don't happen, but when we do see each other we put the "hobbies" to the side and just spend time together. Like I said I had to give up being free every single night to pursue my hobbies or to spend time with my friends. I still do those things when the gf and I are apart, but I make sure she gets her time as well. I tend to agree with what others here are saying. If you have had honest upfront conversations with him about it and he has been unwilling to change then I definitely suggest you fill up your time with other stuff... ie no one hour dinners or one hour evenings when he is done with golf. Those nights you go to the golf club with him and don't have any contact... just don't go and do something for yourself instead, whether that be pursuing a hobby that interests you, or spending time with your friends or family. It might be tough to not spend time on Saturdays with him too, but it might be necessary to make him see how his complete devotion to his hobby is affecting the relationship. As a guy, I can see he probably thinks he is spending time with you. He spends a couple of nights a week with you, brings you to the club, and tries to see you on other days as well. However, I'm not sure he quite realizes what he is doing. Edited May 23, 2011 by batterup788
Author Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Make other plans and see if he's willing to adapt to your schedule at all. It's time for you to stand up for your own needs instead of constantly accommodating someone who so far can't be bothered to prioritize you. Make other plans... when? The only night I'm guaranteed to see him is a Saturday night, so really that's the only night when making other plans would have any impact on him. I haven't really got anything else to do on a Saturday night... I could go visit my Mom I suppose... but he won't change his schedule, he *has* to go to the club on a Friday night, just like he *has* to go every night. He refuses to acknowledge that people could get along without him for once; he likes to feel important and involved in something, and apparently being involved in our relationship isn't enough.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Make other plans... when? The only night I'm guaranteed to see him is a Saturday night, so really that's the only night when making other plans would have any impact on him. I haven't really got anything else to do on a Saturday night... I could go visit my Mom I suppose... but he won't change his schedule, he *has* to go to the club on a Friday night, just like he *has* to go every night. He refuses to acknowledge that people could get along without him for once; he likes to feel important and involved in something, and apparently being involved in our relationship isn't enough. Well what about the nights of the week that he stops by for your home-cooked meal...........or a quickie. Stop being available for these nights. And with respect to you going to the club with him, stop it, seriously, because all you're doing is feeding into his somewhat delusional thinking that by doing that you 2 are actually spending a fair bit of time together.....and that you condone his obsession. Do you have any girlfriends? cousins? Neighbors? Make plans for the next Saturday night...........to go to a movie with them, have a 'girls night' at your Mom's house; rent some movies, order a pizza, paint each other's toenails LOL. If you don't have many friends, start making some.....you know?
Author Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 As a guy, I can see he probably thinks he is spending time with you. He spends a couple of nights a week with you, brings you to the club, and tries to see you on other days as well. However, I'm not sure he quite realizes what he is doing. I know he *thinks* he's spending time with me, hence why he was so annoyed when I pointed out that he wasn't. He thinks he's being a good boyfriend by dropping in for an hour after golf, when actually it seems more like a booty call to me, and I don't feel that he deserves to be able to fulfill his needs in that way if he isn't fulfilling my needs in other ways. Those nights you go to the golf club with him and don't have any contact... just don't go and do something for yourself instead, whether that be pursuing a hobby that interests you, or spending time with your friends or family. I actually quite like going to the club once a week. I made friends with some of the other women who go, and we have a nice chat and a coffee. But I don't feel it's fair for him to class it as time he's spending with me when he's usually either in another room or busy with something.
Author Thornton Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Well what about the nights of the week that he stops by for your home-cooked meal...........or a quickie. Stop being available for these nights. I never really minded him dropping in for dinner or a quickie, because at least I got to see him, and I quite enjoyed the quickie. But I'm becoming resentful because that's all he ever does; he never comes for the whole evening except on Saturday, and when he does come he's glued to his phone, texting and emailing. I'm beginning to feel used, like he has his own life and he only drops in when he wants food or sex. Maybe I do need to put a stop to that, even though it will mean I hardly ever see him
Pianiste Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 It honestly doesn't sound like he is treating you well at all. But if you want to try and make this work I suggest you decide what kind of things would fulfill your needs and talk to him about this. Don't just point out the negative stuff but also suggest a change. Obviously something should change in the way he is glued to his phone, does he have to have it on for a reason? Maybe he can just turn it off when he's with you? Anyways it wont take long to see whether he is willing to adjust and if he isn't you can easily draw your conclusions. Have the talk, see if things change and if they don't walk away from it. He doesn't sound like the greatest catch ever.
soserious1 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Make other plans... when? The only night I'm guaranteed to see him is a Saturday night, so really that's the only night when making other plans would have any impact on him. I haven't really got anything else to do on a Saturday night... I could go visit my Mom I suppose... but he won't change his schedule, he *has* to go to the club on a Friday night, just like he *has* to go every night. He refuses to acknowledge that people could get along without him for once; he likes to feel important and involved in something, and apparently being involved in our relationship isn't enough. Here's my go at advise.. you've only been dating a year, relationships are a their most romantic during the courtship phase.. if all you are getting at this point is the chance to cook his dinner & clean his pipes a couple times a week,imagine what life with this guy will be like once the honeymoon period is over? He's let you know he feels you're being unreasonable asking for more, you've taught this guy that it totally fine to use you as a booty call who will also feed him in a pinch. If I were you I'd stop being available to cook dinner & be too tired on work nites for sex at 10-11pm.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 i think he's a routine-kind-of-guy and your relationship lacks quality time and spontaneity because of his hobby. it's kinda late to change it because you put up with it for a year. i think it's a lifestyle difference. he's better off with a pushover. if you cannot let go yet, try being unavailable as others have suggested. get your own hobby that isn't golf.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I never really minded him dropping in for dinner or a quickie, because at least I got to see him, and I quite enjoyed the quickie. But I'm becoming resentful because that's all he ever does; he never comes for the whole evening except on Saturday, and when he does come he's glued to his phone, texting and emailing. I'm beginning to feel used, like he has his own life and he only drops in when he wants food or sex. Maybe I do need to put a stop to that, even though it will mean I hardly ever see him This guy is either totally clueless or is just not that into you. I would definitely make plans that do not involve him for every Saturday, and not allow anymore booty call drop-ins. His response to these changes will tell you everything you need to know.
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