JaneyAmazed Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 This morning my oldest daughter tells me that she and my H saw xOM yesterday. Of course she doesn't doesn't know anything. She doesnt even know his name. xOM and I went to the same gym. I took her sometimes to the daycare there so she recognized him. So this morning she asked me if I remember that guy (and described him) that went to the gym. She said he was in the car next to them yesterday at a stoplight and she waved at him! So I asked my H this morning, and he said he didn't want to tell me. He was hoping my daughter wouldn't mention it. He said he hates having that on him mind - of course. Now I hate having it on my mind. He said she (my daughter) waved at xOM and smiled. H said he stared xOM down like he'd like to strangle him. So now I'm feeling really bad that my H had to see him. I'm glad that I wasn't with him though. I would not want to see him...especially in the car with my H. I think I'd probably have a heart attack. I still hate that H saw him. I know it's out of my control but it still hurts. I think I still carry guilt because when something like this happens, the guilt comes flooding back. I guess that's just another consquence of my actions.
Snowflower Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. Your daughter, in her innocence, points out someone she thinks is a friend and puts your H in a painful and uncomfortable place. I might be mis-reading your post, but it seems like you are more concerned about how the event made you feel (you were glad you weren't in the car, and your own hurt and guilt). Instead, you need to focus on your H and how he is feeling. It is troubling to me that he was reluctant to mention this to you. If this had happened to me (and I could have seen a similar event happening), the moment I got home and my daughter was out of earshot, I would have been "unloading" to my H. I think you need to talk to your H about what he is feeling about this in depth. If the two of you are going to MC, discuss it in your next session.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. Your daughter, in her innocence, points out someone she thinks is a friend and puts your H in a painful and uncomfortable place. I might be mis-reading your post, but it seems like you are more concerned about how the event made you feel (you were glad you weren't in the car, and your own hurt and guilt). Instead, you need to focus on your H and how he is feeling. It is troubling to me that he was reluctant to mention this to you. If this had happened to me (and I could have seen a similar event happening), the moment I got home and my daughter was out of earshot, I would have been "unloading" to my H. I think you need to talk to your H about what he is feeling about this in depth. If the two of you are going to MC, discuss it in your next session. You did mis-read because I definitely not more concerned about the way I feel than my H. What I was saying is I would have felt so bad for my H had I been in the car. The guilt is all for hurting my H. In other words, it's all about H. That's what hurts so bad...to know he had to see xOM and had to deal with it. It makes sense to me that was reluctant in telling me. He'll talk to me about anything if I ask, but he doesn't usually initiate the conversation. He is trying to move on and it really bothers him to start talking about xOM again. He knows we have to sometimes. I will say he's always told me I HAVE to tell him if I see xOM. Of course I would and I'll always be open and honest with him. We do talk about it in MC though. We talk about it a lot more than I thought he would want to. We did have a conversation about it this morning and we're going to talk more when we gets home from work. He has been pretty open with me about his feelings and I'm so thankful for that. Edited May 23, 2011 by JaneyAmazed
Snowflower Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I'm glad your concerns are first and foremost for your H. Please don't assume that just because your H isn't talking about the affair or the xOM, that he isn't thinking about it. You say that your H wants to move on and that you are surprised by how much your H does talk about it. That is an indicator that he IS thinking about the affair. Please don't mistake his reluctance to talk about it as him moving on. He is hurting still. It devastated my WH when I told him over a year after D-day that I still thought about the affair every day. No, I didn't speak of it everyday but it didn't mean I wasn't thinking about it. Just something to keep in mind as you work through this with your H.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Snowflower, after reading my initial post I can see why you might have misread it. I kept talking about hurt and guilt, but what I meant that it hurts to know my H is hurting and I feel guilty for hurting him.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I'm glad your concerns are first and foremost for your H. Please don't assume that just because your H isn't talking about the affair or the xOM, that he isn't thinking about it. You say that your H wants to move on and that you are surprised by how much your H does talk about it. That is an indicator that he IS thinking about the affair. Please don't mistake his reluctance to talk about it as him moving on. He is hurting still. It devastated my WH when I told him over a year after D-day that I still thought about the affair every day. No, I didn't speak of it everyday but it didn't mean I wasn't thinking about it. Just something to keep in mind as you work through this with your H. Oh believe me, I know he thinks about it. I never assumed otherwise. He's the one that says he's moving on and doesn't like talking about it. I'm the one who encourages him to talk about it because I know he thinks about it and it bothers him. That's what hurts so much - that he has to think about it.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I just talked to my H on the phone. He told me the main reason he didn't tell me was he didn't want me to start thinking about xOM. It was his way of protecting me. I do understand. I really do. He told me that he didn't see the point in bringing up something that he didn't want to talk about and it wouldn't do any good to talk about (in his opinion). He said it already hurt him to see the guy and he didn't want to have to come home and talk about it. I have to understand that my H is who he is. I can't change the way he deals with things. We are both going to deal with things like this for a while. There will be setbacks, but we aren't going to let them throw us off track. I can't make him talk about things he doesn't want to talk about it, and since I'm the one who betrayed him, I have to respect what he wants to do. The ball really is in his court. I'm just thankful he's been willing to through MC. I'm also thankful he can talk to me sometimes. I was afraid he'd just clam up and never talk...his usually way. He's trying, and I'm very proud of him, but I'm going to let him deal with this the best way he can. He knows I'm here for him and he's there for me.
East7 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) Wow..cr@ppy awkward situation. Luckily you weren't in the car, it would have been much worse. I think xOM wasn't very happy either..I would be sick in my stomach if I bumped on xMW husband Plus xMW's child knows me, it would have been very hurtful. I don't have any special advice but let your H deal alone with this. If he doesn't want to talk, don't push him, it might be because he is holding the hurt inside. Maybe he will talk in MC or when the shock has gone. Edited May 23, 2011 by East7
Author JaneyAmazed Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Wow..cr@ppy awkward situation. Luckily you weren't in the car, it would have been much worse. I think xOM wasn't very happy either..I would be sick in my stomach if I bumped on xMW husband Plus xMW's child knows me, it would have been very hurtful. I don't have any special advice but let your H deal alone with this. If he doesn't want to talk, don't push him, it might be because he is holding the hurt inside. Maybe he will talk in MC or when the shock has gone. Thanks East. I actually feel better now that you said that. I will let him deal with it the way he needs to.
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