donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Besides how do you know the child support actually goes to the child unless receipts are somehow presented? Im not against child support. Im just saying it has to be fair for both parties. If I am feeding and clothing my son and paying for the doctor and taking him places in the car and buying his year book and his class ring and his field trips and his scout dues and his community ed fees and his..... You get the picture. Trust me, the money IS being spent on my son, at least in my case. Especially with the little bit I get, when I actually get it. I have, however, heard of people paying what I think are exorbitent child support obligations - like $1,000 a month for two kids. That's NUTS!
Author musemaj11 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 If I am feeding and clothing my son and paying for the doctor and taking him places in the car and buying his year book and his class ring and his field trips and his scout dues and his community ed fees and his..... You get the picture. Then let the dad take care of your son. Yes you have to put in more effort. But you also get to see him all the time and your son is going to grow stronger bond toward you than his father.
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Then let the dad take care of your son. Yes you have to put in more effort. But you also get to see him all the time and your son is going to grow stronger bond toward you than his father. Oh, there is no way in HELL I would let him raise our son. He would've grown up with the same mama's boy, self centered mentality his dad has. Besides, as selfish as his dad is (no birthday card for our son even - ever), he wouldn't have half of what he has with me. Yup, my boy and I are pretty close. He's a wonderful kid - has a very kind, generous heart. I'm quite proud of who he is as a human being.
RecordProducer Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 No offense meant RE: where you live. No, I get ya. Big cities are good for many things (career opportunities, art, entertainment) but there are just so many "side products": high crime rate, pollution, transportation problem, high prices - especially housing, poor schooling, and alienation are just some of them. Single parents (usually mothers) especially pay the price because they can't possibly avoid juggling factors like: how far is work from home, home from the kids' school, from their father, from their grandparents, from friends, is it possible to afford housing where the schools are good, etc.
RecordProducer Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) Oh, there is no way in HELL I would let him raise our son. He would've grown up with the same mama's boy, self centered mentality his dad has.Mama's boy or daddy's boy? It takes a selfless mom to grow a child into a mama's boy. It sounds to me rather like your son would take care of his father and turn into a self-sufficient individual at the age of 5! Donna: "What the hell is going on here?" Son: "Mom, I am making a lasagna, it will be done as soon as I fold the laundry. I also cleaned the bathrooms. Dad is in his room playing a video game." Besides, as selfish as his dad is (no birthday card for our son even - ever), he wouldn't have half of what he has with me. Can you do something about it? I mean,you sound like a very giving and caring person which usually entails a high tolerance for people's crap. Maybe you should put a sign on your underwear "We're closed. Please come back with a birthday card for our child." Of course I am kidding, but mama's boys will usually listen to their wives when told to do something. Yup, my boy and I are pretty close. He's a wonderful kid - has a very kind, generous heart. I'm quite proud of who he is as a human being. Kuddos to you for that! Enjoy these days before he turns into a teenager! Edited May 27, 2011 by RecordProducer
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Mama's boy or daddy's boy? It takes a selfless mam to grow into a mama'sboy. It sounds to me rather like your son would take care of his father and turn into a self-sufficient individual at the age of 5! My ex's mom was the classic enabler. Her boys could never do ANYTHING wrong in her eyes. Can you do something about it? I mean,you sound like a very giving and caring person which usually entails a high tolerance for people's crap. Maybe you should put a sign on your underwear "We're closed. Please come back with a birthday card for our child." Of course I am kidding, but mama's boys will usually listen to their wives when told to do something. We've been divorced for 11 years - thank GOODNESS! Kuddos to you for that! Enjoy these days before he turns into a teenager! He's already 17! I don't try to hug him in front of his friends still, but he knows I've got his back.
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Donna: "What the hell is going on here?" Son: "Mom, I am making a lasagna, it will be done as soon as I fold the laundry. I also cleaned the bathrooms. Dad is in his room playing a video game." Now THAT is some funny shyte!
Author musemaj11 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Oh, there is no way in HELL I would let him raise our son. He would've grown up with the same mama's boy, self centered mentality his dad has. Besides, as selfish as his dad is (no birthday card for our son even - ever), he wouldn't have half of what he has with me. Yup, my boy and I are pretty close. He's a wonderful kid - has a very kind, generous heart. I'm quite proud of who he is as a human being. Even though its inevitable that your son is going to have only you in his mind when he grows up, but I think you should still remind him of his father's contribution in raising him how minimal it is. My own father wasnt the best father. He wasnt close to me and my sister. In fact we resented him. But my mother always reminded us that no matter how much we dislike him, without him she wouldnt be able to raise us by herself. It puts things into perspective for me although whenever I go visit my parents I still say, "Im going to visit my mom."
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Even though its inevitable that your son is going to have only you in his mind when he grows up, but I think you should still remind him of his father's contribution in raising him how minimal it is. My own father wasnt the best father. He wasnt close to me and my sister. In fact we resented him. But my mother always reminded us that no matter how much we dislike him, without him she wouldnt be able to raise us by herself. It puts things into perspective for me although whenever I go visit my parents I still say, "Im going to visit my mom." Oh, he still goes to see his dad in the summer, and they talk often on the phone. I just know things about him that our son doesn't - at least not yet. Our boy went to check the mail every day for over a week when he got off the school bus during the time of his last birthday. It made me sad. And angry. I'm sorry your dad wasn't very - present in your lives. That must've hurt a bit.
sanskrit Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Boring... can we -please- get back to the gender bashing?
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Boring... can we -please- get back to the gender bashing? I'm not into that. I'm into bashing each particular individual based on their own merits.
sanskrit Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I'm not into that. I'm into bashing each particular individual based on their own merits. Well you smell bad and walk funny then.
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Well you smell bad and walk funny then.Rubber smells bad?
sanskrit Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Wait, what I meant was actually all women smell bad, and all women walk funny. See we're gettin there! (you can't "rubber" me I'm way too crafty for that)
sanskrit Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Wait, what I really really meant to say was that all SAHMs smell bad and walk funny. All SAHDs smell good and walk straight.
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Wait, what I really really meant to say was that all SAHMs smell bad and walk funny. All SAHDs smell good and walk straight. NOW yer gettin' the hang of it!
RecordProducer Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 My ex's mom was the classic enabler. Her boys could never do ANYTHING wrong in her eyes. We've been divorced for 11 years - thank GOODNESS! Oh, I sort of missed that fact. Now I see why you said he doesn't get him a b/day card. Yes, but mothers like that get their sons' unconditional love for the rest of their lives. I almost wish I was like that. And she probably did everything for him so that he doesn't ruin his hands. Wait, what I meant was actually all women smell bad, and all women walk funny. All men have small penises and can never find the G-spot.
RecordProducer Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 If I am feeding and clothing my son and paying for the doctor and taking him places in the car and buying his year book and his class ring and his field trips and his scout dues and his community ed fees and his..... You get the picture. Good answer, Donna. Unless you see the kids malnourished and the mother on drugs, you know how much is necessary for the kids. Trust me, the money IS being spent on my son, at least in my case. Especially with the little bit I get, when I actually get it. I have, however, heard of people paying what I think are exorbitent child support obligations - like $1,000 a month for two kids. That's NUTS! Why do you think it's nuts? My rent alone is more than that. I understand life may be cheaper in some parts of the country, but you can't just count food and clothing and school supplies and divide it by two and that's how much the father should pay. If I were a judge deciding on the child support amount, I would count much more into the equasion. First of all, a parent (let's say a mother) with two kids will likely need a bigger apartment to rent (if she's renting). Second, she might want to choose a district where the schools are good, which in big cities means anything from being stuck in the suburbs, in a fancy part of the city, or paying for a private school. Obviously, she wouldn't care about the school district if the kids lived with their father; i.e. the father can find a really cheap and nice place for himself since he doesn't have to worry about schooling expenses. He also doesn't have to worry about getting a home in a super-safe place since the kids are not going to be walking from the school bus to the house every day. Next, she will likely drive the kids around, so she needs to maintain her car. I remember my dad said once "I don't care my ex (not my mom) paid for her car insurance with the extra money I gave her - she needs the car for my son, and obviously she needs to insure the car. It's still for the kid's benefit." A lot of the costs are indivisible and involve the parent and the kids together (like the car and housing). But what about vacations or amusement parks? Should the mother's rides on the roller coaster NOT count as kids' expenses? Maybe the parent wouldn't go if it weren't for the kids. As a side note, most courts are more interested in earning power, rather than actual earnings. If you're an engineer but decided to pursue your dream as a rock singer, you'll pay as much as a working engineer would pay, because that's your earning power (unless you're actually making more as a singer). The reasoning behind it is that your obligation to support your children comes before your dreams in the eyes of the legal system.
in_absentia Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 My boyfriend is currently unemployed and looking for work, and I'm supporting him as we live together. He is desparate to find a job but really struggling, he doesn't want us to be in this situation but I'll happily support him for as long as it takes. We're a team and sometimes one person has to carry the other! As for long term, I'd be happy to support a househusband if we had children to bring up, and we could afford it. I love working, I have a good idea of what I want my career to be and I'm on the first step towards it so if we ever have kids and I can handle being away from them I think I'd be fine being the one who went out to work while he stayed at home with the kids. As it is, he does way more than me around the house and cooks brilliant, healthy homemade food every day. I never have to worry about what to take to work for lunch and I come home to a clean flat with a wonderful meal each night, so having one person not work certainly makes the working person's life easier. He really can't wait to get out and about and work, though
sanskrit Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 My boyfriend is currently unemployed and looking for work, and I'm supporting him as we live together. He is desparate to find a job but really struggling, he doesn't want us to be in this situation but I'll happily support him for as long as it takes. We're a team and sometimes one person has to carry the other! You have a great attitude, and it seems that lots of women are going to need to either adopt a similar attitude or stay alone based on the disproportionate effects on male unemployment during the recession: http://www.newyorkfed.org/research/economists/sahin/GenderGap.pdf
in_absentia Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 There's a saying that love goes out of the window when you're on the dole (or something like that) but we haven't found that at all. As far as I'm concerned, my money is for us both and from experience of when he has had money, he has acted similarly and he's generous with it. If he was sat around all day not looking for a job and making lots of mess and not thinking about things like food then I wouldn't stand for it, but he is trying hard and doing everything he can around the home in the meantime, which I think is amazing (some men would refuse to do 90% of the cooking/cleaning I'm sure as they'd feel emasculated or whatever). My mum died in December and I don't think I could have gotten through it anywhere as well as I have been without his support and his body next to me in bed each night, he really thought about EVERYTHING so I didn't have to while she was dying and that's what I mean by carrying one another when it is necessary.
Author musemaj11 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 Why do you think it's nuts? My rent alone is more than that. I understand life may be cheaper in some parts of the country, but you can't just count food and clothing and school supplies and divide it by two and that's how much the father should pay. If I were a judge deciding on the child support amount, I would count much more into the equasion. First of all, a parent (let's say a mother) with two kids will likely need a bigger apartment to rent (if she's renting). Second, she might want to choose a district where the schools are good, which in big cities means anything from being stuck in the suburbs, in a fancy part of the city, or paying for a private school. Obviously, she wouldn't care about the school district if the kids lived with their father; i.e. the father can find a really cheap and nice place for himself since he doesn't have to worry about schooling expenses. He also doesn't have to worry about getting a home in a super-safe place since the kids are not going to be walking from the school bus to the house every day. Next, she will likely drive the kids around, so she needs to maintain her car. I remember my dad said once "I don't care my ex (not my mom) paid for her car insurance with the extra money I gave her - she needs the car for my son, and obviously she needs to insure the car. It's still for the kid's benefit." A lot of the costs are indivisible and involve the parent and the kids together (like the car and housing). But what about vacations or amusement parks? Should the mother's rides on the roller coaster NOT count as kids' expenses? Maybe the parent wouldn't go if it weren't for the kids. As a side note, most courts are more interested in earning power, rather than actual earnings. If you're an engineer but decided to pursue your dream as a rock singer, you'll pay as much as a working engineer would pay, because that's your earning power (unless you're actually making more as a singer). The reasoning behind it is that your obligation to support your children comes before your dreams in the eyes of the legal system. You would make a horrible judge then. If you dont wanna put the extra effort that comes with having custody of the child, then give it up and hand the child over to the other partner. You cant have the cake and eat it too. The other person should not be forced to make equal or more contribution unless he gets equal or more time with his child. That is fair. Should he want to contribute more, it should be by his own free will. Especially if you are the one who initiated the divorce.
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