9Lives Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I think its when it dont hurt anymore....When you can talk about the past and not feel anything....when are not thinking about them anymore at all. When you are fine with hearing they have somebody else.
threebyfate Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 When you can imagine them having hot sex with someone else and not caring. Harsh but true.
carhill Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 When you can't even remember their family member's names. Swear to God. It was like those ten+ years were totally erased. I remember who I was but everything else is just a blur. When they can have a SO (she does, live-in) and you don't (true) and it doesn't matter. When your best friend can have dinner with her and you hope he had a good time (true, last week). When being alone is the gift God intended it to be. I've just a few more Hoovers to erase and then it will be perfect. Hope your journey is a joyful and fulfilling one, OP. Life is meant to be that, alone or in partnership with another. Best wishes
Duckduckgoose Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I am not trying to sound smart ass. I apologize if I am but I'm very tired and my judgement may be off. But a good way to know you are 100% over them is when you are not asking yourself that question. I don't ask myself if I am 100% over my ex-boyfriends. That would be really stupid to ask. I do ask myself if I am 100% over my exH... because while I may not want to be with him again, I am not 100% better from the divorce.
NicoleM Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I think it takes time. I am still not over my ex yet I have found out if you keep yourself busy you stop thinking about them but when you have down time or you pass a particular place you used to go to or think of a something funny they used to say you think about them again. Wounds have to heal they do not heal right away. It can take anywhere from a month to several months to even a year to get over them.
Leda Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 When you are not reading or posting on LS! Ha, Homebrew, I came on here to post exactly that! I am completely over my EX-ex though...here's how I knew: -You've fallen in love with someone else you LIKE better -You're ready to be friends with your ex because your feelings for him/her are genuinely friendly and neutral -you don't feel like having sex with them anymore -they call and tell you that they're falling in love with their new girlfriend and you feel uncomplicatedly happy for them -you call and tell them that you're falling in love with your new boyfriend and you can tell that they're upset/hurt/jealous...you are surprised they feel that way, but now that you've noticed, you feel a little protective of them and try to be gentle and careful of how you mention your new relationship -you think of them about as often, and as fondly, as you might think of a nice but not-too-close friend or aquaintence Signs you are NOT over them: -you hang around alone reading internet forums with titles like "Coping" or "Second Chances" -the thought of them having sex with someone else makes you either weepy, nauseated, or numb in a scary way...you can feel it in your throat and stomach -you think about them daily -whenever someone else is interested, you think about what your ex would think about you being with that person -you're actually scared to see the ex -you still fantasize about the ex...reeconciliation fantasies, revenge fantasies, sex fantasies, any kind of fantasy counts as Not Over Him/Her -you give yourself a pat on the back for activities like hiking, biking, or surfing that show you are "moving on" (if you were moving on, you wouldn't even think about those things that way) -you are not contacting your ex because you don't want him/her to have the upper hand -you feel any need whatsoever to hide your true feelings in any way
Author Sugarkane Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 When you are not reading or posting on LS! As soon as I posted this, I knew someone would say this! Leda and Carhill- Being friends and wishing my ex well isn't an option. What my ex did was unforgiveable and plain cruel. He also poisoned everyone against me. I'll never be friends with my ex, he couldn't wait to get rid of me, so he could hump and dump the next girl. Everything is just a game to him, how many notches on his bedpost can he get. I think forgiveness is overrated in this situation. Forgiveness implies that the person actually faced you and said sorry. I didn't get this at all. I didn't even get a conversation with my ex. He just left me high and dry and onto the next piece of ass he could get. I'm working on complete indifference, not on wishing my ex well at all. He doesn't deserve my well wishes or thoughts.
Author Sugarkane Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Why would I want to be "friends" with someone who dumped me by text and told me to get F****d?
betterdeal Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I think when we trust someone intimately, we may tend to associate certain feelings with that person. When we experience those feelings again, we are reminded of that person. Events that happen now may trigger those feelings, and thus trigger those memories. The thing is, our feelings are necessarily ephemeral. They are how our soul expresses itself. What I have found helped me to disassociate those feelings from that person was to find the right moment, and really let them flow. My conscious mind didn't say "no, hold back, it's not safe to express yet" and, instead just listened and accepted how hurt my subconscious mind, my soul, felt, let it let go and let me feel hurt, angry, hateful, let it out. I was sat on my own in my lounge, my house mates in their room. It felt like I was literally sweating out those feelings from every pour in my body. It was at times almost overwhelming. Tears fell. Words became meaningless. It was all feeling. And after that I felt a lot of relief. It's just another step in my journey. Disassociate your current feelings, your current life, from your past, and you'll be happier, more secure, more present and that relationship in your past will drift back there, to the past.
NSDNQ Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 honestly I dont care if I ever get over her, I just need to get rid of the part of me that DOESNT WANT to be over her. if that makes any sense.
J0N Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I have recently become friends with an old ex from several years ago. We are both TOTALLY over that relationship. So from personal experience, you are 100% over someone when... 1. You honestly, could not care less who they date or if they are with someone else. 2. They are on the same level (friend wise) as any of your other friends. 3. You are not attracted to your ex, even when your intoxicated... 4. You are 100% sure that you will never get back together, and you have no desire to anyway. 5. You are completely indifferent I have hung out with this old ex a few times, and I find myself wondering... Why did I date this girl? Also, the thought of getting back together with her seems a bit repulsive. I have a sort of "been there done that" attitude towards the whole thing. But it is fun to hang out with her and her friends. let me note that to get to this stage with my ex ex, has taken a Looooooong time. We broke up over 5 years ago, and I wouldn't say that I was 100% indifferent for at least a couple years.
Pikachu Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I always find this topic strange cause in some instances I have noticed people never getting over certain people. They "move on" ,live separate lives, fall in love with other people. Years may go by but they still love that person. Maybe its a first love thing. My point is in some instances its not about being 100% over someone its being able to move on and live a life without them. Sometimes loving them and wanting them to be happy (even if its not with you) is enough.
J0N Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I always find this topic strange cause in some instances I have noticed people never getting over certain people. They "move on" ,live separate lives, fall in love with other people. Years may go by but they still love that person. Maybe its a first love thing. My point is in some instances its not about being 100% over someone its being able to move on and live a life without them. Sometimes loving them and wanting them to be happy (even if its not with you) is enough. I agree with this, my current ex was my first true love. I think I will always feel something for her, however I just hope that with enough time I can learn to live my life without her being a part of it. I respect her and want her to be happy, so we will see what happens.
carhill Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Perhaps an odd situation, I 'got over' my first true emotional loving attachment and my M nearly concurrently. Remarkably, the paths and result has been eerily similar. Without reasonable explanation, I can only attribute this to the many months of marriage counseling. Neither dynamic nor person rules me anymore. With one, 20-something years of active or latent attachment; with the other, ten years of marriage. For myself, being able to discuss such dynamics in an open and analytical way is a clear sign of detachment, given my intrinsic emotional style. This occurs in person as well as through threads like this. So, sharing the process, for myself, is part of the realization of detachment, rather than a sign of further involvement and/or 'not being over it'. YMMV.
Beeotch Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 (edited) When you don't need to ask that question since they are so far from your mind. When you have to make yourself think about them and their life and it is no longer an automatic thing. When dating them seems like a dream that happened in another dimension. When you have no emotional reaction to them whatsoever. When dating them again seems ridiculous and insane or just pointless instead of a "nice option". When you can think of them and feel neutral and don't long for them to say anything to you or apologize or anything for whatever "bad behavior" they displayed. When you have no desire for revenge or for their life to fall apart but can wish them well. When looking at a picture of them doesn't illicit any type of nostalgia or emotional response. When you can see a picture of them and their current significant other and not feel upset or hurt but indifferent. When you only think of them in retrospect as a past experience and can call them your ex with a feeling of finality, like recounting something from years ago and not as though it is present and you no longer have any "hope" about it but it feels like a closed book. Edited May 24, 2011 by Beeotch
Beeotch Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I have recently become friends with an old ex from several years ago. We are both TOTALLY over that relationship. So from personal experience, you are 100% over someone when... 1. You honestly, could not care less who they date or if they are with someone else. 2. They are on the same level (friend wise) as any of your other friends. 3. You are not attracted to your ex, even when your intoxicated... 4. You are 100% sure that you will never get back together, and you have no desire to anyway. 5. You are completely indifferent I have hung out with this old ex a few times, and I find myself wondering... Why did I date this girl? Also, the thought of getting back together with her seems a bit repulsive. I have a sort of "been there done that" attitude towards the whole thing. But it is fun to hang out with her and her friends. let me note that to get to this stage with my ex ex, has taken a Looooooong time. We broke up over 5 years ago, and I wouldn't say that I was 100% indifferent for at least a couple years. Agreed! Well said.
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