I will never be the same again & can't seem to get over this pain.

[Radke]

I'm new to this forum and i come to find some sort of reassurence and help with my issue's at the moment, i'm going to go into as much detail i can. Because i want to know if anyone can relate to me on this one

 

I'm 19 male from Edinburgh in Scotland, I have grown up with learning problems and have found it very hard to make friends. I've tried to be myself but every time i do i always seem to lose my friends, Getting stabbed in the back if you will... And the same problem happens with girlfriends & boyfriends.

 

I had a breakup a month ago with my ex girlfriend, it was long distanced mostly throughout the relationship, and although we never became a couple until we did meet it felt like we were before, because we would say the "i love you's" and the cute stuff, as couples do you know.

 

We met and both had partners, but our realtionship's at the time were failing bad, we then got dumped and 3 months later we said we liked eachother, a lot. distance was a problem but i guess you will do anything for love right? if you want to be with someone you still be with them.. so about 3 months before we met i was having doubts, but the only problem was i was over thinking my doubts, going too much into the details... i know it's normal to have doubts especially when we lived so far but for me i over think them.

 

So me having these doubts would put a constant strain on the relationship...

one month later she told me how she went to a friends house (an ex boyfriend) and got drunk and ended up getting sexual with him. when she told me i said "its ok" (i know i was wrong to do so) but she said she wanted time and space. so i gave her the time and space, i was a wreck for about week, but learnt to accept it. and tried to make her jealous (which worked)

 

so two weeks gone by i said to her, listen honey, choose him because i will never be second best to any guy, i am cutting you out my life, then she said okay by..

 

but twenty minutes later she begged me back, and i had to think about this, so i decided, meet her see what happens... so we met everything was great, we both know we couldn't do the long distanced thing so in febuary i went back to Scotland, and we agree'd that we would get a house over there

 

we rented a flat from her grandmother and when i went back to Scotland she was getting stuff prepaird for the flat.

during the up coming months to me moving over there i would have major doubts, i'd feel angst and breakup everyday, horrible i know, but it was just me being stupid and thinking i can escape this anxiousness..

 

but i was very controlling, and possessive, which i regret not. because most of my girlfriends have left me for another guy... i wantted to change for her .. and even myself

 

April came we met and it was okay.. before we moved in, when we finally did move in we were always busy, getting the house ready and what not. but i noticed she was acting a bit distant towards me. and didn't like getting hugs and kisses every five minutes as she said..

 

i got even more anxious and worried, here i was in another country, not speaking the language, so far away from home... it made me ask for reassurence, every two minutes, and when i say every two minutes i actually mean every two minutes... then i asked if she wanted me to go home, she said no, i said why, she said because i love you. and it was like this for all of the week we lived together, the week from hell as she called it. so she broke up with me in the flat, and then went to a house warming party for her parents, she came back and i asked her if i go back home and get the help i need can we still be a couple?

 

she said well i was going to ask you this anyway, she said yeah okay! and before i came back to Scotland things were okay.. we were cuddleing and i was giving her a bit space..,. at the airport she acted a bit distant too the day i got back she said to me she needed space because she was confused about her feelings, the week she needed space i didn't give it to her, and i regret it. so the time came she said, she felt like that week from hell killed her feelings for me. that she lost something.. she said she wants to be friends because im important for her..

 

a couple of days later i find out she's crying for no reason.. turns out she has feelings for her ex. but doesn't want a relationship, when she broke up with me she said she needed a bit of her time.. and doesn't want a relationship...

 

so on Facebook i saw her post a video, it was about a couple who broke up and got back together a music video for a song, i asked her about it she said oh its just a random song from a band i like...

 

i couldn't handle seeing her doing this to me so i wrote her a bit long letter, saying goodbye, and how much i will miss her.....

 

so it's been one week.. and i'm a wreck, i am not eating, and i havent ate for 5 days,

 

i am drinking everyday and everynight, i'm even drunk writing this...

 

i'm taking pain killers also to give me a buzz...

 

i'm just crying so much...

 

i am attending therapy to get my head better, not to be controling, and stuff... but i start this later on in the week....

 

she spoke to me on facebook like, "you don't know anything about me" and it hurt

 

our mutual friend spoke to her and she told me this "Even know you're acting a little crazy.

You need to relax a little.

Even reading your messages, you sound like you're wound pretty tight.

 

 

'i'm not going to tell you word for word because that's not right....

 

I'll give you some key words...

 

over protective

clingy

psycho

mental stress

relized you killed her feelings for you

 

then she said when she sent you back to Scotland you went even more psycho. Then she told me how you wouldn't stop trying to contact her and were saying

all kinds of crazy things.

 

by the sounds of it, no.

I wouldn't blame her.

The things she mentioned that you said would turn any girl running.

I know you have a mental health issue but still."

 

With my past relationships, i've been able to get over them within a week and find a new girl... i've been offerd sex twice this week but i don't want the other girls.. i want her... i miss her so badly....

 

and now she's talking to other guys, saying cute on there profile pictures, i cant take this:'(

 

i believed in true love once... but this whole ideal... it's all my fault and i fear i can never have a relationship...

 

i am a monster.. a horrible monster... and i just want her back to say how sorry i am, and how much i love her, and want her, i know she doesn't feel the same.. but if i could reverse time i would... i'm just a wreck now, and if it wasn't for me having a heart and careing about my family (even though they are not helping in any way) i would kill myself, i really want to, i want to jump infront of a bus, i want to take as many sleeping tablets as i can.... i'm a wreck and i need help.. i find it hard to make friends

 

in Germany, i felt i had it all, a house, a girlfriend and friends... i felt like a normal 19 year old... i am so scared and so upset to try and make friends, because of the way i look (very alternative, long hair and piercings)... there's not many around here and peolple dont like who i am...

 

do i have any hope here?

Edited May 23, 2011 by Radke

[Goatsbreath]

Well don't kill yourself first. I promise that love is going to come and go and at times you will feel the way you are feeling right now. Everyone goes through it man, your not the only one OK. You are 19, just starting life, I guarantee if you kill yourself you will miss out on a girl that you will like way more then this girl.

 

I've been through this stuff a lot too. At times you feel hopeless but as life moves forward you find yourself looking back and thinking, "haha, I was so stupid crazy when we broke up, I don't even know why...so glad that we did because I've met people that I wouldn't know exist otherwise."

 

Just get a grip, stop looking down on yourself for this and just think, "OK, yeah, I did some stupid stuff. I have some insecurities, I acted a little crazy maybe like her friend said. I'm going to take it as a learning experience and try to work on myself."

 

Focus all energy on yourself now, delete her from facebook, you don't need to be following along with her life right now. You need to follow along with yours, start looking at things that can improve you. Look at this as a opportunity to improve you and get excited about the possibilities of meeting someone new.

 

Not only that, be excited that your 19 at the age where you can say "you know what, sure, there's not many around here and peolple dont like who i am but..... why do I have to stay around here?"

 

The world is pretty big, go explore it, find the place you feel comfortable and exist there. Here is a great quote by Mark Twain for you....

 

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover" -MT

 

Good luck OK, keep positive

[smudge21]

At 20 I met the girl I thought was the one. Thought like you did when it ended, but stuck it out and got past it, just like you will. Then years later I met another girl, another 'the one'. How could this be... two 'the ones'. Then many years later another 'the one'. Some of these lasted a while, some of them were short lived, but I loved them and couldn't imagine life without them. But each time I recalled how I've felt like this many times before and always got past it. It's so true that love is blind - you really do only see the one you love and all the good points. It's only when that emotional bond is broken for good that you can see things clearly.

 

You're still so young and far too young to be thinking such negative thoughts. This really is a great time for you and this experience is all part of life and learning. You will get past this and be a better person for having gone through it. I know you don't believe a word I'm saying but eventually you will totally understand. It takes time to get over someone and there is no fixed solution for doing so, but I know drugs and alcohol will never help. Read through this forum and you'll quickly realise how you're not alone and then see how others deal with their own depression after a break up, you may even start offering some advice of your own.

 

Don't give up though, as you'll be walking away from so much.

[nana841121]

Rant whatever you want in this forum.

slow down all your actions now, give it some times before you take the action.

doesn't it really worth?

you are so young, you have no idea how rich human being's emotion world can be.

[EgoJoe]

You're going to be fine. This is a period of growth so use it to grow. You can tell your next girl how you proactively handled the loss of a girl you loved and learned from it.

 

She'll dig you plenty.