D-Lish Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I recently went out on a date with someone, we had one good date, and he was really gung-ho, then contact fizzled. I'll try and condense the details because it's complicated. A long time ago I had a crush on this cute guy that managed the local grocery store that I frequented. Turned out we had mutual friends I played baseball with. My friends on that team had told me the guy was a jerk, but he had a twin brother that was "the good one". Fast forward many years, and it's the twin that reaches out to me on POF and we have a date! Back to the baseball team. One of the guys on my team was over the top obsessed with me. It was flattering at first- and I hung out with him as friends for a while. I was always upfront with him that I only wanted to be friends with him and I never wavered from that. He got incredibly annoying with his persistence, constantly trying to talk me into dating him, so I had to cut off the friendship. He got stalkerish near the end- showing up at my house and work- and the last straw was him sending me a picture of his dinkle to my phone! I also got wind from others that he had said we were dating- a complete and utter lie. I haven't talked to this guy in a couple of years because he just became too creepy. I did tell my date that night that I knew his bro and this other creepy dude- and gave some details about the stalking scenario. Fast forward to my date. He knows my date through the other twin. I assumed he lost interest because he found out I had expressed his brother was hot way back when and maybe that felt weird to him knowing that. Oh well right? Nothing I can do about that. The guy I had a date with messages me on POF today and basically called me a liar and said I obviously put on a great act. WTF? This turns into a back and forth discussion and I got an earful of what my once friend turned creespter said about me to the other twin and was relayed to his brother about me. (His brother warned him not to date me because of what this creepster had told him about me). Apparantly creepy dude did tell everyone we were in a relationship- but it gets much worse. By the end of our exchange I got an earful of what this guy had told people about me way back when. Some of the things are too awful to repeat- and I'm fuming. I don't understand how someone could LIE in the manner that this guy has lied. I knew he was off balance by the way he acted with the stalking behaviour- but the stories he made up were unbelievable. (apparantly I used to give bj's to the guys on my baseball team after games in the parking lot!!!) He said this is the reason HE BROKE UP WITH ME!! I never even so much as kissed this guy and he was constructing an elaborate relationship and betrayal scenario to other people without me knowing. I ended the convo with this guy just telling him I wasn't going to defend myself against lies. How can I defend myself against such elaborate lies! I won't, I refuse to! I just can't believe that this dude from my past was so crazy. I want to send him an angry message, but it's not going to change anything. I'm actually really hurt and it's been eating away at me all day. I don't know if sending the message calling him out on his lies is the best way to go because I cut him off a long time ago. I'm fuming. What is wrong with people?????
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 How can I defend myself against such elaborate lies! I won't, I refuse to! You actually have a pretty good defamation case, provided you know a lawyer who would take it. Sue his ass.
spiderowl Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) I can completely understand why you are angry. Firstly, one guy from the past is lying and defaming your character (and I think there is a law against defamation which you might like to look up), but secondly, your date is believing him! No wonder you are angry. It could be that your date has been upset himself by the creepy person's lies and is wondering if you've been lying to him, but regardless, he should have been tactful when talking to you about it, giving you the benefit of the doubt and chance to tell him about the creep. You may consider taking legal action if you feel you need to do this, in which case please consult a professional lawyer. You could also respond to the guy you dated with a brief message stating that you are not prepared to argue to defend yourself against these accusations but they are false and the guy was a nuisance who practically stalked you. Tell your date if he chooses to believe a creep over you, then he's not the kind of person you want to date anyway. Then leave it at that, keep it a brief statement with no attempt to justify yourself, just factual and to the point. It does sound though that the date guy is not worth it. He jumped to conclusions and he's not mature enough to tactfully find out more from his date without putting her back up. He is tactless and socially incompetent. Why would you want to bother with someone so beneath you? Edited May 23, 2011 by spiderowl
Author D-Lish Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 You actually have a pretty good defamation case, provided you know a lawyer who would take it. Sue his ass. I didn't even post the majority of details. It actually made me sick to my stomache some of the things that were said. My pof date actually framed it as "how can all of that be a lie- who would go to that kind of trouble to make those accusations!" The thing is when I told him that my ex friend became a creepy stalker on our date- he agreed with me "that sounds like him"... Is it worth it to send the dude an angry message calling him out? I don't think that would do any good. I thought about calling him out, then showing my pof date the proof (because I know he will deny he said these things). When I confronted him initially after I'd heard he was telling people we dated- he denied it adamantly. I just feel like I need to restore my character, I know I shouldn't care, but I hate thinking that there are people out there believing what this guy said about me because he was bitter that I wouldn't date him.
USCGAviator Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I would think that BJ's after the game would be rather foul. Dusty sweaty crotches doesn't sound like a good time. D-lish...I'm not saying you did anything, but I had to point that out.
Author D-Lish Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 If he said anything about you having sex with him or having anything to do with your chastity, I'd sue him. Honestly. (At least in California, that's slander per se... not sure about Canada.) I'd also be going apesh*t. for you!! I want to go apesh*t, I'm so angry. I am angry to the point where it made me cry:o. Honestly, people don't sue much in Canada, - I don't even know anything about how that would work. I don't know if I'd be willing to go through the process anyway. I feel so embarrassed, violated, and furious. I think I am going to send him a letter- I need to vent and blast him for being a piece of sh@t.
Author D-Lish Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I would think that BJ's after the game would be rather foul. Dusty sweaty crotches doesn't sound like a good time. D-lish...I'm not saying you did anything, but I had to point that out. Lol, well I didn't do anything at all. Most of our baseball team was full of couples that played together (it was 5 on 5 slowpitch). Myself, creepy guy and one other girl were the single ones- so kinda hard to sneak off to give a bj in the parking lot with their significant others standing right next to them:mad:
nothappyjan Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 You don't have to go through with the sueing. Just threaten it in a message to both of them. Say you find it so disgusting that they would say those things that you will spend every last cent making them pay for it. Then of course do nothing but make them sweat it. Maybe have a friend draw up a draft letter pretending to be your lawyer
Art_Critic Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 To me and if it were me that this happened to I would set the record straight and make sure the appropriate people know or get CC'd in the grape vine so the record also get's straight publicly. Then I would go totally silent and never speak to any of them again...
heartshaped Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I think you should send a message to this man- a very angry, threatening to sue if he doesn't retract his statements type of message and then CC everyone that this might have gotten around to. It's a shame that some man is ruining your reputation and chances with what sounds like a good guy over something you didn't even do!
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Is it worth it to send the dude an angry message calling him out? I don't think that would do any good. I thought about calling him out, then showing my pof date the proof (because I know he will deny he said these things). When I confronted him initially after I'd heard he was telling people we dated- he denied it adamantly. I just feel like I need to restore my character, I know I shouldn't care, but I hate thinking that there are people out there believing what this guy said about me because he was bitter that I wouldn't date him. Wasn't joking before, he defamed you materially. In your shoes, would find a lawyer friend to write a threatening letter demanding a written recant, and if he doesn't provide it and isn't judgment proof, take him to court, maybe even if he is judgment proof, but if he is, you will have a hard time finding a lawyer to take it on contingency. Depending on your state, you might even take him to magistrate court yourself without an attorney. There's a line between just let it go and some ass majorly affecting your reputation in your community. He crossed it.
Lilmisus Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Damn. I'm worried to know what the rest of what was said was. I can't believe how some people believe such lies. If you know someone has a past of unusual behavior or lying, then why believe a word that they say? Your date and his brother sound like idiots for believing this guy. One can only hope that they are apart of only a few people that heard the rumors. If I were you, I'd send the message. Pointing out just what a poor excuse of a man he was (is) for pulling that sh*t on you years ago. Tell him that you have a lawyer and have already told him the details of your case and that you're planning on suing his ass if he doesn't come forward to at least your date and his brother as being a complete and total liar. But I'd do it in a way that was trying to be both classy and point-blank bitch.
Skump Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 FWIW, his bullsh*t borders on actionable slander. You might pass that little observation back down the grapevine.
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Most lawyers will only charge $100-150 or so to draft a letter on their letterhead, and if you were in my jurisdiction and laid out the facts, I'd do it pro bono. Bet lots of lawyers in your area would. Contact him that way, not via Email. Even if it's all bluff, you will scare the bejesus out of him.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I would seriously find a local lawyer whose area of practice includes defamation. I would then contact the office to inquire about an initial consultation. Most lawyers will give a free 30 minute consultation, to give you enough basic info and approx cost, for you to determine if it's something you really want to pursue. If nothing else, find out what the cost would be to have a lawyer draft up a letter to this clown advising that you are aware of the defamation he's committing, you have documentation of same, and that should he continue to besmirch your character you will be seeking legal action against him. Anything short of a letter like this, will likely do nothing. The guy is a psycho and he's clearly now getting his jollies by slamming you because of your rejection. I would also advise you to document everything. Keep your emails from POF with twin who told you all of this (or private emails, or whatever). I'm not sure that sending psycho guy a nasty letter is going to do anything but make him feel proud of himself for getting a rise out of you. Obviously he made these lies up to hurt you......and by calling him on it, you've sent a message that he's succeeded. A win for him. But if you must, I would copy the 'twin' (the one you were supposed to go on a date with) on the letter. Keep it calm. Don't curse. Don't call names. Advise psycho guy that you're well aware of the lies he's told about you and that you do not take this lightly and you will be proceeding with appropriate legal counsel and action. I'm not sure that emailing psycho guy to lay out the lies he's told and him responding (if he even does) to deny he told such lies is really going to prove much. If he did deny and you then sent that email onto the POF guy, POF guy could just as easily think that Psycho guy is just trying to 'cover his ass for exposing the truth' (you know?). It's a crappy situation but you have to consider how much worse you could potentially make it by stirring things up with Psycho guy....?
Author D-Lish Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Damn. I'm worried to know what the rest of what was said was. If I were you, I'd send the message. Pointing out just what a poor excuse of a man he was (is) for pulling that sh*t on you years ago. Tell him that you have a lawyer and have already told him the details of your case and that you're planning on suing his ass if he doesn't come forward to at least your date and his brother as being a complete and total liar. But I'd do it in a way that was trying to be both classy and point-blank bitch. He basically said I was a slut- handing out bj's like candy (totally not true). Said I gave him an std (we never slept together!!, never even kissed him!!). Said I was "crazy"... All these slams came after I cut off contact with him. I am so upset... I am going to send him a message and call him out. I'm drafting it right now.
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 You can write a "cease and desist" letter (google it) which basically says "if you don't shut up I will sue you." Damage is done, the defamatory statements should be recanted in writing in conjunction with a sincere apology.
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Agree with others, nothing you say will do anything but give him jollies, you don't want that do you? get a lawyer letter.
threebyfate Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 If I recall correctly, you even posted about this creepy guy in the past, D. Can't believe he would go to these lengths.
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) And, recognizing his unhealthy obsession for the sickness it was, Eh, I remember you now, you're writing style is kinda singular. You're way off on this one pal, what was she supposed to do, nutcrack this seemingly innocuous guy every time he got near her before the red flags were flying? Edited May 23, 2011 by sanskrit
Fugu Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I would sue him. Keep this in mind: defamation cases in Canada are, at least on paper, easier to win than they are in the United States. In the U.S., you have to prove that the information was communicated to a third party falsely and with malicious intent; in Canada, however, no such requirements. If it's a) defamatory and communicated to a third person, that would be enough to win a defamation case. It might be harder to sue in Canada because it might be harder to win damages unless there is real harm done to reputation, but I would seriously consider it. Sue the f*cker, and make the others who have been told about the lies testify that they've heard these lies through a deposition. That way, they, too, will eventually hear the truth. Sue the c*nt.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 And, recognizing his unhealthy obsession for the sickness it was, you refrained from any contact whatsoever with him, even going so far as to quit the baseball team because he just wouldn't leave you alone. Or, not wishing to quit the team, you told the other team members what was going on and got them to kick the stalker off the team. Oops wait. You were flattered by the attention given to you by your obsessed stalker. So, rather than making it clear you wanted nothing more to do with him, you actually provided positive reinforcement for his obsessive stalking by spending more time with him, one on one even, which an obsessive stalker might wrongly interpret as "dates," and this was your strategy to make him stop obsessively stalking you. You continued to positively reinforce his stalking obsession by spending more time with him, making yourself all the more a challenging target by playing "hard to get", from his viewpoint anyway. Or, he thought he was being a "nice guy/gentleman" by not trying to make any physical moves on you. Although you said let's just be friends, he knew in your heart that in reality you wanted him to romantically win you over, like all nice guy/gentleman/obsessive stalker/shy guys do. From your point of view, although he was kind of creepy and annoying, it was a great feed to your ego to bask in his obsessive oneitis, his incredible focus on you you you as the centerpiece of his life, and he was such a seeming doormat that it was a one-sided relationship you felt was easily manageable by you. If you spent any one on one time with him, even getting a soda after the ball game, to him, that counts as a date. Even team activities if perhaps the two of you shared a conversation or a table now and then. Cutting off the relationship to him, was a cruel, arbitrary betrayal, from his point of view. And of course you reported this to the police and had harassment charges filed? Or got an order of protection from court? Depends what you mean by "date." Whoa. You're pretty much saying that she should have psychically KNOWN from her very first contact with this guy that he was a stalker. That's not even realistic. Most of us encounter someone in life who exhibits and interest in us, and it's not wrong to admit that it's flattering...but then when we realize we're not interested (for whatever reason), that doesn't mean we lead them on OR that we have no right to be hounded and harassed. How was she supposed to know from the beginning that he would turn out to be such a vindictive psychopath? You're essentially blaming her for all of this but I can't understand on what grounds. Do you also blame women who are raped that they must have done something to lead the guy on/deserve it?
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I want to go apesh*t, I'm so angry. I am angry to the point where it made me cry:o. Honestly, people don't sue much in Canada, - I don't even know anything about how that would work. I don't know if I'd be willing to go through the process anyway. I feel so embarrassed, violated, and furious. I think I am going to send him a letter- I need to vent and blast him for being a piece of sh@t. I was just going to say, us Canadians write letters! We don't sue. I'm pissed off for you! Go ahead and blast him but don't send the letter after. You might regret it.. Just vent this out and in a few days if you still feel like writing him, then do so when you're a little less pissed off.
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I didn't find that she identified him as a stalker type right from the start, and if she ever implied that it was intended retrospectively. Also on the police front, they should be a last resort when one feels extremely uncomfortable and even threatened by repeated unwanted contact over a long period of time. Police and TROs are not intended to be interpersonal mediators.
Sabali Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 The fact of the matter is that rumors like this are created all of the time. Fortunately or unfortunately (depends on how you look at it) the person that the rumor is about does not realize that the rumor is out there most of the time. Not to downplay what happened here... This is definitely not something that is as common in this age group as younger ones but some lonely, unlucky guy who goes home empty-handed a lot makes rumor about woman and blah blah blah. What is equally bad about all of this is that the guy that the OP was dating felt a need to confront her about it as if he was her husband. What kind of $#it is this? You hear rumors like this, you either can deal with them or not. If you can't, you just move on.What kind of chump would even address this rumor to the lady in question? Weak.
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