Should I be worried about my bf's attitude/behaviour towards other women?

[xpixiedustx]

Hi, this is my first post here I've been in a relationship for 8 months and my boyfriend is everything I've always wanted, things are going well etc and he says he feels the same but there's one aspect I'm not coping with.

 

I knew from the start that most of his friends are female, he says it's because he's not a "typical guy"-not into sports etc. I'm fine with this and realise people can be friends with the opposite sex without it being more but his friendships with other females can be very intense. He'll get overly emotionally involved, bring up female friends' problems when we have stuff of our own to sort out etc and he's becoming the same with MY female friends/our mutual friends. We live in different cities and even though I've arranged for us to spend time with couples where the guy is similar to him, he still leans more towards the female.

 

It's making me jealous along with the fact that when I first met him he said he liked me because I'm really sweet,not like other girls he's dated. He mentioned passionately without me bringing it up how he can't stand girls who sleep around, do drugs etc. When he meets girls like that though he seems to have a fascination with them and be in awe of their free spirit nature yet I can tell he hates the fact I merely smoke cigarettes! He's been cheated on in the past but will justify,not just support as a friend females who've done this and always try to make a link to the male being in the wrong.

 

Am I being paranoid? I need some help understanding this behaviour. I don't want to bring it up with him yet as it could push him away but he's planning to move to be with me and I don't think I can deal with this long term. My bf is so sweet and kind. I've never thought of the term "emotional affair" before but I fear he'd get into one, if he isn't already and not even see it as wrong.

[thatone]

because all of those women are the ones that he chased but never caught, and they friend-zoned him to use him for whatever their boyfriends didn't do for them, and he never refused them.

 

yeah, i think you're right in being jealous. they're manipulative women, so when they see that he's finally found a woman he's happy with, you can bank on at least one of them throwing herself at him just for drama/sport.

 

how do you convince him of that? good question. if you tell him to get rid of them out of anger he'll run and cry to one of them about it and they'll agree with him.

 

absent a better idea, i guess in your shoes i would try to rationalize it with him. tell him you know how they are. tell him you know how he wanted them but they told him to "just be friends" so they could unload their issues on him rather than their boyfriends who wouldn't listen. then tell him that you're happy with him and sincerely hopes he stays, but he can't stay with all of his tag-alongs, he has to choose between you and them.

 

note that if he agrees he's basically agreeing to throw all of his friends away. that isn't really easy to do, so you're gonna have to go out of your way to help him with that, such as getting him involved in activity with your friends, etc.

 

can that be done? maybe, but you're gonna have to work at it.

Edited May 22, 2011 by thatone

[PegNosePete]

he says it's because he's not a "typical guy"-not into sports etc.

Umm. This smacks of fairly typical BS to me. There are many guys who are not into sports (myself included) but we can get along perfectly well with other men. I couldn't give a rats arse about football but when other guys talk about it I can join in. I can't tell you who is the star player of my friends t reams but I can ask how they're doing, upcoming events, interesting results etc. Just as when I talk about my interests they can join in... I'm sure none of my mates care about ornithology but I've even got my housemate recognizing goldfinches in the back garden now. It's nothing to do with being a "typical guy", it is to do with social skills and he clearly doesn't have a "normal" set. Either that or it's just a line he's feeding you.

 

In fact being unable to have male friends is quite a large red flag, similarly to a girl who only has male friends. It's quite common for girls to claim they have lots of male friends because they are not the "typical girl", don't get on with other girls because they are bitchy etc. It's a big red flag to me. Being able to socialize with members of the same sex is essential for a stable personality, IMO. That's not to say you can't have ANY friends of the opposite sex of course! But if your closest friends or the vast majority are the opposite and you claim not to get on with members of the same sex, to me that is a big red flag.

 

It's probably an acceptance issue, he feels the need to be accepted and validated by women. Childhood rejection issues etc, blah blah, it's quite common. You could suggest he reads the book "No More Mr Nice Guy", it may be relevant to him.

 

He certainly needs to learn about boundaries and set some up. If he can't do this then I think you need to move on. This WILL turn bad if left unchecked.

[stace79]

I agree with PegNosePete, and found his insight enlightening! I am dealing with a guy who also says he cannot get along with males as well as females. BUT he is the typical guy in that he LOVES sports, works in sports radio and can talk about almost any sport.

 

It's a big red flag. I have not been able to "convince" my guy to give up these female friendships, and in fact it's driving a wedge between us right now.

 

I would suggest a calm talk explaining why you feel insecure about the friends. See what he says. But my outlook wouldn't be very optimistic.

[xpixiedustx]

Thanks for the replies guys, it's helped me put things into perspective and confirmed what I suspected but didn't know if it was just me being paranoid/unreasonable.

 

I think the problem is I'm up against the two issues-he did want and lust after these women at one time I expect along with PegNosePete's point about validation. Nearly all these female friends do have boyfriends and although my boyfriend is a genuinely good guy there's the ego boost element boost of being told he's the "greatest listener" and gets carried away with it and also lets himself get used because he doesn't want to lose this praise.

 

He has listened to my views about some of these "friends" who've been extreme in their using him in the past, gone off and thought about it and realised they're people he doesn't need in his life. Things can't go on the way they are but the way his "friendships" are a touchy subject. I think if I just tried to sort it out and discuss it all at one time he wouldn't even think over what I was saying and just leave regardless of how calmly the subject was brought up.

 

Thatone, when he moves to my city later in the year he'll be a few hours away from his old friends which is good in a way but there's the risk he'll just make the same friendships which I've kind of seen hints of with my friends I've introduced him too as I mentioned in my other post. Its worse seeing the beginnings of the over-involvement somehow.

 

I hope he can see he's with someone who he is enough for the way he is, and there are potential friends out there he'll be enough for too with him being someone's lapdog!

 

Yesterday we were talking and he said he thinks we're right for each other and that he couldn't be with someone with clashing lifestyles, morals etc again. But he quickly gave an example of a friend of mine who would consider if that *wasn't* the case so not sure if that was a positive outcome of the conversation lol