Such low self esteem, don't know how to become the sort of person I want to be.

[whiskers]

I think this post is gonna get kinda long, I'll try keep it as short as I can though! Not sure whether my age will be relevent for any advice but I'm 19 just in case.

 

Basically I have never been a confident person. I'm shy and it takes me a while to be able to be myself around people but once I do I generally get on with most people but I feel as if I'm the sort of person that if I'm there it's fine but no one would really miss me not being there. My friends are such an attractive group that always get attention off guys and there's always a guy in their life whether it be a fling or a boyfriend and I feel so insecure compared to them. And because of this they spend so much time with their boyfriends/guys that they never seem to want to hang out as a group of girls anymore which we would always do when we were in school and this leaves me being lonely. I know when you get older you get into serious relationships but you should surely still have time to go out with friends?

 

For the last year I was seeing a guy that I met just over a year ago. I am in love with him, I would have done anything to make him happy even if it was to the point that he was to be with someone else because that's what would make him happiest..if that makes sense. He is the first person I have loved and the first person I ever had sex with. All my friends would say he wasn't worth my time and he was a dick with girls and didn't treat me right but I never saw that. There would be highs and lows, he'd always say that I was lucky to have him and after him it would be all downhill cause I'd never find anyone as good. He'd tell me how he found my friends really attractive and if he wanted to be with them he could get them easily. He split up with me on three occassions, never giving me a straight answer as to why, and any reasons he did give me he'd contradict himself all the time so I never really understood why it was. Each break up would be so harsh, one of them the day after my birthday, I got a text on the night of my birthday saying 'happy birthday' and that was all, the day after he broke up with me. After each break up I wouldn't speak to him, I was devastated but I didn't contact him but each time after a week or so he'd ring me saying he regretted it and he still wanted me etc. Whenever we were together he would rarely see me, he'd always be too busy and when we did have plans he'd cancel last minute to do something else. Whenever I told him about things I wanted to do like travelling etc he'd laugh and say I wasn't brave enough to do anything like that and it would never happen. I told him a couple of weeks ago that I don't feel as if he feels the same about me as I do about him, and if that's true to leave me alone because I can't handle not feeling good enough for him all the time. He didn't reply to me and we haven't spoken since. He has left me feeling so worthless and not good enough. I hate that I put up with the way he treated me. Regardless of all the bad stuff I said, there would be times when he did make me feel like he loved me and I was happy with him.

 

As well as this my dad died a couple of years ago from a sudden heart attack. He had heart disease that none of us knew about, he wasn't a smoker, wasn't overweight so it was a shock to everyone. My grandad is also suffering from heart problems at the moment.

 

I did my GCSE's and A Levels (I live in England and finished college last year) I want to go to University but can't decide what I want to do with my future, what sort of career to go into.

 

I want to be optimistic about the future and be happy, I'm so young I don't wanna look back and think why was I so miserable? I feel like I don't want to get into another relationship because I don't want anyone to make me feel the way the last guy has done. I'm terrified of people close to me dying. I've tried to help myself by joining the gym, going out when things are going on even when I don't feel like it but I just feel so miserable.

 

I don't really know why I've written all of this on here. I haven't really got anyone to talk to about the way I feel, and believe me I know I'm coming across as so self pitying and I feel so pathetic, like I keep thinking 'why do bad things keep happening to me?' and I hate having that sort of thought in my head because I know people have been through so much worse than what's happening to me but I have no idea how to become the sort of person I want to be.

[Eve]

Very sorry to hear about yor loss.

 

I think it is good that you have opened up (even though it is via the internet) as at least you have covered a lot of ground on what has been happening for you.

 

Have you had any grief counselling? That would be the number one priority in my minds eye. Sounds to me like the loss of Dad has affected you.. as it would, greatly.

 

Friendships change at around the stage you are at and to me it sounded like you wanted to be busy in a relationship because this is what others where doing. Your ex does sound like a user and I am glad that he has gone. Chalk that one up to experience. He did not seem able to really care for you at all. You put up with him saying stuff to you that indicted that he was not a kind person. That is probably what bugs you the most. The way I see it is that you were vulnerable and he took advantage of you.

 

I would say the priority now is to consider more indepth what you are good at and pursue this at Uni. The friends that you develop at Uni will hopefully be friends for life and you may retain one or two from the teen years... this is typically the case.

 

Plus you will met other boys in time. Personally, I think it is better to wait and choose from one at Uni.

 

*BIG HUGS* for what you went through with the ex but really you are right at the start of your life.

 

Really focus on things you love doing and allow yourself to get into the flow of these things. Set out times to meet wih friends, such a offering times out to the cinema or something.. I don't know what you are interested in socially.. but don't wait for life to happen to you, make things happen that you enjoy!

 

Can you talk to Mum about things? Do you have an Aunt or uncle who you can confide in?

 

Take a trip down to your GP and have a good talk about things. You may actually be a little depressed.

 

Now that you have begun to open up, carry on and see what it brings. Don't hold it all in and think that you have behave in a certain way or have to hide your feelings.

 

Hopefully others will suggest other things which have jumped out to them in reading your post

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x

[whiskers]

Thanks for responding and being so kind, I wasn't sure what to expect from talking about this on the internet!

 

I know now that he is a user, took advantage and was unkind like you said, but at the same time I still feel so sad that he doesn't want me and I really miss him. This is what made me first think that I had low self esteem because I don't think it seems normal to want/miss someone that treated you badly, like I should be thinking I've had a lucky escape and be happy to be free from him not wishing he would contact me again. I am really embarrassed to admit that I feel like that but I know that I have to be honest of how I feel to get good advice.

 

I have never been to a counseller, I don't speak about my dad often because when I do I feel like people feel too awkward and would rather I didn't mention it. I am close to my Mum but it's not something I feel comfortable talking about to her as when it happened I tried to be strong for her to help her. I know she wouldn't mind me speaking about it but it's just not something I feel I want to do.

 

And about my friends, they've been my friends since we were so young and sometimes it feels like we're friends out of habit. Like, as we've got older we've all changed and become different people but forcing ourselves to stay really close. Maybe I'm the only one in the group that feels that way and I do love them all but sometimes I feel as if there would be other people I would fit in better with.

[Badenov]

Honey, sometimes we love the most the ones who deserve it least.

 

I'm 46. In my life I've had infatuations, crushes, obsessions, & "in love" feelings. Each break-up was hard & damaged my self-esteem. Each time I felt "not good enough" Each time I knew the person, whether friend or lover, didn't treat me the way I felt I deserved.

 

Know what? I look back at each & every one of them & think "Thank God I got out when I did!"

 

My point is, you'll get over it. You'll look back with clarity & realize getting out of a toxic relationship is always a good idea. Already your head knows what your heart doesn't want to accept. End it on your terms. Tell him to get lost. Keep your dignity and self-respect will follow.

 

I hope this helps.

[Eve]

Thanks for responding and being so kind, I wasn't sure what to expect from talking about this on the internet!

 

I know now that he is a user, took advantage and was unkind like you said, but at the same time I still feel so sad that he doesn't want me and I really miss him. This is what made me first think that I had low self esteem because I don't think it seems normal to want/miss someone that treated you badly, like I should be thinking I've had a lucky escape and be happy to be free from him not wishing he would contact me again. I am really embarrassed to admit that I feel like that but I know that I have to be honest of how I feel to get good advice.

 

I have never been to a counseller, I don't speak about my dad often because when I do I feel like people feel too awkward and would rather I didn't mention it. I am close to my Mum but it's not something I feel comfortable talking about to her as when it happened I tried to be strong for her to help her. I know she wouldn't mind me speaking about it but it's just not something I feel I want to do.

 

And about my friends, they've been my friends since we were so young and sometimes it feels like we're friends out of habit. Like, as we've got older we've all changed and become different people but forcing ourselves to stay really close. Maybe I'm the only one in the group that feels that way and I do love them all but sometimes I feel as if there would be other people I would fit in better with.

 

 

You are welcome Sweetheart.

 

Ok, do you mean like daydreams? Do you sit and wish he was there and remember stuff whilst in a daze? I see this as probably stemming from the fact that he ended it with you, rather than the other way around. I would be concerned that you may be setting yourself up to attract men who will use you in the future if you persist with such though. Do you phone him still or is this just something that do when alone?

 

Could this be a self esteem issues? H'mmm.. could be but I would caution you to be careful of labeling yourself. Often people will react to how we perceive ourselves. In your case it could have been that you genuinely cared for this person and he knew this to such an extent that he was basically able to mess you around, knowing that you would put up with it. I mean, what did you do at those times when he spoke about being able to get other girls etc? Did you tell your friends about what he was doing/saying? Do they have the same sort of dynamics within their relationships? One must be careful of taking to heart dynamics within friendships. Some dynamics aren't worth pursuing and actually indicate a lack/imbalance of creativeness within the individual.

 

Harsh but true.

 

Sorry that you feel unable to speak with your Mum about all of this. It may seem unlikely that she will understand but maybe you need to be more adult now and raise the topic? If not with her then certainly via some form of counselling. I see you being at a crossroad now and would STRONGLY advise that you do not stay quiet within this. Rather, I would say that you need to explore how you really feel about a lot of stuff within a safe relationship such as that which is fostered within counselling. This is good, not bad!

 

Make an appointment to see your Doctor and discuss things with him/her. I think that if you are smart enough to find a way to talk about what has happened by coming here even though you don't really understand it all and feel embarrassed by some things but can remain honest - then you are smart enough to find yourself in a better place say six months to a year from now with a bit of hand holding as things change via counselling. Grief counsellors are usually especially good in my experience.

 

Please don't underestimate the shock that you have survived with Dad passing away. You going to receive counselling may be a catalyst that can open up your relationship with Mum and how others perceive and respond to you in the future.

 

So, some of this I see as being a natural developmental/maturity stage as you become more adult and other aspects I see as being an opportunity to look at how you communication your feelings...

 

Also, make sure you are eating well and look good. Many a bad episode within life can be staved off or overcome via a good old fashioned shopping trip or holiday! Hope you have some good things planned and you are not just stuck in the house all the time.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Whiskers,

 

I don't think that you are recognizing yourself quite enough in your original post.

 

 

Clearly we got a good dose of his flaws, but you present yourself as someone who was somehow just meant to endure the flaws of this other, actually-very-random person.

 

Something you can't see from your angle is how your interactions would be with a very healthy, very content guy... and there are scores of them out there who would love to be very close with you romantically.

 

When you're 30 (or 55), you will look back on this chapter of your life and better appreciate how impressively you attempted to GIVE yourself TO that relationship.

 

Go back 5 years in your life, from the present (so, 2006)... and tell your 14yo self that you would be 'involved' witih a guy romantically for a year, and that you would capably go through the motions and the highs of love and wonderful feelings, and that you would endure the gut-wrenching lows of rejections and mistreatment.

 

That 14yo 'you' would be in awe... and the 30yo you would have much better perspective on how to be impressed by all that you have practiced.

 

In due time, you'll meet a much better guy, and will go through many of the same instinctive rituals with a much better ending in store.

[whiskers]

Thank you so much for your replies, you were all really helpful and have given me a lot to think about.

 

No I never phone him or make contact by fb/text or anything, I do miss him but I wouldn't contact him because the way I see it is that if he's decided I'm not worth staying around for I'm not gonna chase after him and make his ego any bigger than it already is. I am feeling a little better about the situation with him, I feel that I am better off without him and that I do deserve someone that will treat me better.

 

I think the main thing that is bothering me about the situation is why did I put up with being treated like that. I kind of feel that I was sort of asking to be in this situation, like I let him treat me that way so I can't really sit here and get upset about why it happened because I could have prevented it. Not that that makes it ok for him to have done it but still. I don't want to be the sort of person that people feel it's ok to mess me around..

 

And about talking to a grief counseller, I was thinking of going to Samaritans, I read about it online and there's one near me that you can go in and talk to someone. Would this be a good place for me to go or would the GP be better?