What is the best strategy when your partner is being distant in a relationship?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am wondering about this.

 

My boyfriend has a tendency to pull back a bit and be distant every now and again. He just contacts me less, is not as affectionate in his messages etc.

 

We talked about this and he admitted to it and says it's due to being badly hurt in his previous relationship and that he still has some residual issues.

 

My "normal" reaction is to either chase or make a scene and break up but I am trying to deal with it differently.

 

Do I just leave him be and wait for him to get in contact?

 

[denise_xo]

I think leave him be and just show him consistency in your character - in other words, don't contact him less or more than you normally would, just be your normal self and don't take it personal if he says he needs some space.

[anne1707]

Just give him the space he needs. If you can show him that you are steady in your commitment to him hopefully he will leave these issues in the past as he grows more confident in your relationship.

[SingVoice]

UGH this can be really annoying. This is that whole "rubber band" thing they talk about in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

 

They say you just let him go and don't push and then he always comes back to you. But its absolutely hard. You feel HE is being inconsistent...yet you are supposed to remain consistent. That's SOOO hard.

 

How often does this happen and how long does it go on for? I think if this is something he can work through then it might be worth it. But otherwise...can you deal with this hot/cold behavior for the rest of your life??

[Imajerk17]

Ugh ladies, women do crazy things too.

 

Yes, wait it out and give him some space.

[thatone]

UGH this can be really annoying. This is that whole "rubber band" thing they talk about in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

 

They say you just let him go and don't push and then he always comes back to you. But its absolutely hard. You feel HE is being inconsistent...yet you are supposed to remain consistent. That's SOOO hard.

 

How often does this happen and how long does it go on for? I think if this is something he can work through then it might be worth it. But otherwise...can you deal with this hot/cold behavior for the rest of your life??

 

posted in another thread but worth posting again. men deal with their problems alone. you women say you want confident men, that's where it comes from. we don't get confidence from the approval or sympathy of others like women do, we get it from ourselves. and part of that is dealing with our own problems rationally in our own minds.

 

so when your man is struggling with something, yeah, he will get distant for awhile. when he gets over it, he will be back. yes it will happen again in the future. no you will not find a man who isn't like that, that you're happy with.

[ladyinlimbo]

I am wondering about this.

 

My boyfriend has a tendency to pull back a bit and be distant every now and again. He just contacts me less, is not as affectionate in his messages etc.

 

We talked about this and he admitted to it and says it's due to being badly hurt in his previous relationship and that he still has some residual issues.

 

My "normal" reaction is to either chase or make a scene and break up but I am trying to deal with it differently.

 

Do I just leave him be and wait for him to get in contact?

 

 

How long have you been together?

 

What are your ages?

 

How long did his previous relationship last *and* how long ago before you got together did it end?

 

In general, I think it's a cop-out to be in an established relationship with someone and play the hot-and-cold game and try to justify it on insecurities or issues from a previous bad relationship. That relationship is OVER, get over it......you're now with a new person and if you're truly still so scarred from the old one that you're new partner is paying for the sins of your past one, then you're not ready to be in a new relationship.

 

OR..........that is all just a lame excuse to treat someone poorly.

 

How often does he become distant? How long do these 'phases' last? Do you just not hear from him for days?

 

We've all had difficult past relationships in which we were hurt....that's a simple fact of life......but it's no excuse to blow hot/cold with a new partner, leaving them confused and concerned and insecure.

 

So he claims it's from his past relationship but what does he mean by that exactly? Has he tried to explain what he means? Is he afraid of getting too close and then getting hurt? Is he afraid of being vulnerable and having such strong feelings for someone?

[ladyinlimbo]

Something else I just thought of.........

 

Sometimes people are like this when they're truly not over their past ex........and they're feeling "torn."

[Star Gazer]

We talked about this and he admitted to it and says it's due to being badly hurt in his previous relationship and that he still has some residual issues.

 

This would concern me a great deal.

[Star Gazer]

In the thread that was deleted, you posted a letter he wrote you wherein he expressed upset that you NEVER call him and put little to no effort into the relationship. Has that changed? Are you putting in effort? Calling him? Showing him you are committed?