carhill Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Great post! I am female but I relate to what is written here, especially the bit I bolded. Eligible women think much the same way. p.s. And definitely not boring! Other than the quoted poster's name, I don't see anything bolded. Enlighten? BTW, that poster should view and comment on the 'old-fashioned man' thread, IMO. From the mix of the responses to that post so far, I'd say the perception isn't much different than when I presented a similar persona 20-something years ago. It was decidedly a non-starter with the ladies. I'll be interested in the OP's take on it.
Chocolat Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Other than the quoted poster's name, I don't see anything bolded. Enlighten? BTW, that poster should view and comment on the 'old-fashioned man' thread, IMO. From the mix of the responses to that post so far, I'd say the perception isn't much different than when I presented a similar persona 20-something years ago. It was decidedly a non-starter with the ladies. I'll be interested in the OP's take on it. Hmmm... not sure what happened there. Oh wait, I see it - I messed up the slash before the final 'b.' I meant to boldface this bit: Single males without baggage and drama who meet your criteria, generally are very aware of those things, because they are a great window into the type of person they're talking to. Sorry.
carhill Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Thanks Wrt the bolded, I think my largest error was in misunderstanding the dynamic of want versus attraction. I heard the want (baggage and drama-free) but was ignorant of the attraction (to same, minus the 'free'). My window was a bit fogged up with ignorance. Thankfully, life usually provides the Windex and did so, albeit at a somewhat inflated price.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Hmmm... not sure what happened there. Oh wait, I see it - I messed up the slash before the final 'b.' I meant to boldface this bit: Single males without baggage and drama who meet your criteria, generally are very aware of those things, because they are a great window into the type of person they're talking to. Sorry. My personal finances are actually in great order, and I agree that they are telling of a person's maturity level/ values. I have no debt whatsoever, live in a place far cheaper than I can afford, save for retirement, and invest the rest. I COULD probably be more frugal in terms of going out to dinner less, bringing my own lunch, buying less clothes, but even there, I'd say my spending is far below average for my income group. I mean, I like shopping... but I shop the clearance rack at TJMaxx.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 If your best friends are single, then you will tend to be single, too. You may need to do some shaking up of your friend circle. Interestingly enough, I didn't realize that you were Spookie until I opened this thread. I was gone off LS for a while, and when I came back, I looked for your threads, because you were always so whacky and off-the-wall and so incredibly different in your lifestyle than I am/was (the pot, the drinking, the random hook-ups). I also wanted to see what transpired with Jack! So anyway, i went and read some of your new/old threads. And in one, you said that about 90% of the single guys you work with have expressed an interest in you. So out of all of those guys, not one checks off the list? And what happened when you went to see your XBF in February? I'm trying to lay off the coworkers. The ones who have been around at least as long as me are now all in relationships. The new ones just keep getting younger, plus, I have a person reporting to me now, so I'm more conscious about setting a good example. He is so wide-eyed and innocent, I feel like a mother must feel trying to protect her kids. I honestly don't even view the guys I work with as options anymore. I am friends with everybody but it's very platonic and I find I LOVE my job this way. Nothing ever happened with Jack. I still have feelings for him, he's still single (now in his 30's). I'm still working for him, but that will finally change in September - I'm finally getting rotated to another department. Maybe this change will snap me out of my rut - it's damn hard to get interested in someone new when the person you want is right in front of you, setting up meetings for 4 hours a day. Seeing the ex brought me closure, even though I didn't immediately recognize it as such. It was extremely bittersweet, but what I gained was the knowledge that he really HAD loved me, still does in the same way that he'll always have a special place in my heart. I think what had kept me in a state of torment regarding that relationship all those years was not being sure about that. I slept for literally 3 days straight after that trip, I was so emotionally exhausted, but since then, I haven't really thought about him much at all.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Personally, I'm 30, meet your criteria in spades, and you honestly lost me when using the word babbydaddy. I pretty much write off people who use language like that, as it instantly is a warning sign of a display of values (or lack of) that I consider highly negative. I state that, because, most likely, if you turned me off in the first post to any interest, you're likely sending bad signals in person as well. There was also a fair amount of justifying language (not used pot in a few months) that also was a red flag. I don't mention those things as a put down, or with any judgment, because they may not mean anything, but as an eligible male who fits your criteria, I thought I'd share what I thought when reading your original post. Those things usually show up in person also. My recommendation is simple - systematically expand your universe. Spend time doing things that enrich yourself, but also may lead to new contacts. Examples include ballroom dancing, singles cooking, young professional groups. Studiously avoid traditional pick-up spots. Just as I don't look to meet women in bars and clubs (and in fact, would be incredibly dubious of anyone I met at them), don't look for men in all the wrong spots. Oh, also, make sure your financial house is in order. Most people don't really have a clue what that means. If you have a bunch of debt, live paycheck to paycheck, don't put a large chunk into retirement, can't stand the thought of not having a new car (and car payment), and can't tell me your monthly food or entertainment budget, I'm probably going to be leery of marrying my finances to another persons. Single males without baggage and drama who meet your criteria, generally are very aware of those things, because they are a great window into the type of person they're talking to- personal finances are usually a great mirror for personal relationships. Good luck, it sounds like you've made real progress. Thanks for the honest assessment. For what it's worth, I believe it's possible to have one's s!ht together, and be intelligent, and still be laid-back to the point of being trashy, which is how I am, and how I like my males. I am smart, and responsible, and in the three years since my reform, I have acheived some small manner of success; however, I am not, and never will be, an intellectual.
plasma Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 What is my problem? I am 25 years old and I have not had a serious boyfriend since I was 20 and in college. All of my friends and aquaintaces are getting paired off and I am starting to find myself the only perma-single person I know. I want to get married and start having kids but it has been years since I have met someone I would want to be my babydaddy. I don't have a problem attracting men, tho I will admit I am kind of a hermit, and do not expose myself to many of them. But I have problems wanting to stay in the relationships I find myself getting sucked into. I have dumped every single guy I have dated in the last 5 years for 1 of 2 reasons: I did not trust him (1); or I felt he held me back, that I had more potential AND more ambition than he did, and being in a relationship was not helping me acheive it (5+). The primary recurring thought I experienced with all the guys in the latter category after the initial thrill wore off was, "OMG, I spent 5 hours hanging out with your dumb friends, that I could have spent working out/ studying/ doing something productive." Of course, most of these guys are now happily engaged to nice, hot girls who adore them, while I'm still alone. It's not that I envy their girlfriends, but I do wonder if there is something wrong with me that's preventing me from being happy. Over the years, after having attempted to date people who displayed characteristics I was not attracted to/ respect very much, I have figured out my list of requiements. That list is: 1. happily employed (or in school) 2. some combo of smarter/ more organized/ more hardworking than me, by which I really mean more successful (call me old-fashioned, but I don't want to be the primary breadwinner of my future household) 3. does not smoke 4. health conscious; does not eat crap and exercises on a regular basis 5. not a heavy drinker 6. trustworthy I think my list is pretty basic and I bring all of that to the table... why have I been single for so long? you have deep seeded trust issues that may never be satisfied unless you seek professional help, you maybe shooting down great men and getting satisfaction from it, your probably better off not being someone elses burden..so in a way its a relief you walk away first
Chocolat Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Thanks Wrt the bolded, I think my largest error was in misunderstanding the dynamic of want versus attraction. I heard the want (baggage and drama-free) but was ignorant of the attraction (to same, minus the 'free'). My window was a bit fogged up with ignorance. Thankfully, life usually provides the Windex and did so, albeit at a somewhat inflated price. Well, this is just my take, but nothing is more attractive than a guy who is sane and has it together and can be a little wild in the bedroom. On the surface, the sane guy may present as though he'll be too timid/boring sexually but, in my (albeit limited) experience, this has not been the case.
mr.dream merchant Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Show us your boobs! What? Somebody had to say it. :/
Lucky_One Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Thanks for the honest assessment. For what it's worth, I believe it's possible to have one's s!ht together, and be intelligent, and still be laid-back to the point of being trashy, which is how I am, and how I like my males. I am smart, and responsible, and in the three years since my reform, I have acheived some small manner of success; however, I am not, and never will be, an intellectual. I think you have put yourself into a very small niche of people, and it will be very hard to find another one like yourself. The "trashy" people I know are NOT together, responsible, smart or have their finances in order. It's almost like you say the word "trashy" with a lot of pride. What is there to be proud of, in that descriptor? PS. Yes, getting away from Jack will be very good for you. And I was sort of hoping that you and XBF would hit it off again, but closure is a very good close second!!
LiberalMRA Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Eerie, sounds like you've got all the pieces in place. Given what you mentioned in your past, you should be pretty proud of how far you've come. I was a bit overly harsh before - everyone has baggage, and everyone has a bit of drama - it's just what is acceptable. You can find interesting people all over the place, where you least expect it also - I once met a girlfriend while she was my nurse, and a friend met his wife while taking swing lessons. It's ok that you're not an intellectual, most guys just want someone to unwind with, that is genuinely interested in them, that can hold a conversation, and that has their own life to share. Don't overlook the shy or boring ones until you break thru the ice or you meet their good friends and observe their interactions when it's guy time (youll probably have to observe from another room). If you're concerned about sparks, just remember, that most shy/boring guys have alot of repressed emotions, you may be in for a real treat in terms of bedroom fun after breaking the ice. You could also be really disappointed. Lastly, I'd be really wary of men that don't grow up with a father figure in the picture. I work with abused/at-risk/delinquent kids and I see the patterns. Guess I added a bit of advice. I'll turn it about too. You're probably a good catch based on your posts. Women who have a career, don't have kids, have their finances together, are reasonably fit, and aren't ball-busters, are a very rare commodity. I'd also add - you mentioned you have had some issues with relationships, but want a child. Some people just don't do well in romantic relationships, or just aren't that interested. It's not a huge flaw despite what some people seem to think. Don't force it if that may be the case with you. I have two cousins, brother and sister, who ironically, both ended up with children via friends and not marriage. The children benefit from both parents being around (they live really close), the parent's aren't forced in a relationship that doesn't work.
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