thatone Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 not really missing, i just don't connect how if you've been doing all of those things to become a different person over that long a time, how have you not met new people who are more compatible with what you want? that's part of it, old friends from those bad old lifestyles have to go too, and you gotta make new friends.
welikeincrowds Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 OK, so there could be some deeper motives at play here, I mean, there always are. But for now, I'm more interested in the practical concerns. How many social gatherings do you attend in a month? Recall the last month. How many different people do you remember having hung out with in that time? Generally speaking, how "open is your flower"? How inviting or welcoming or closed off etc. do you feel toward strangers?
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Generally speaking, how "open is your flower"? That made me giggle. But all good questions. I bet if E just put herself out there a lil' bit more, she'd find more opportunities, for sure.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 OK, so there could be some deeper motives at play here, I mean, there always are. But for now, I'm more interested in the practical concerns. How many social gatherings do you attend in a month? Recall the last month. How many different people do you remember having hung out with in that time? Generally speaking, how "open is your flower"? How inviting or welcoming or closed off etc. do you feel toward strangers? Admittedly, my flower could be more open. In my daily routine, I rarely come across strangers. I live alone in a neighborhood devoid of eligible guys (it is full undergrads and immigrant families), and I work in the suburbs. I hang out with friends a couple of times a week, but it is always the same people, usually at venues not condusive to mingling. The last time I went out in a way that allowed me to talk to strangers was probably at the end of March. I also participate in some sports (that are male-dominated) but there is not much social interaction going on there, and none of the guys have expressed any interest. Is that my problem then? My "flower" is closed?
johan Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I'm sure there is no shortage of guys who would like to part your petals, ER. Maybe the timing isn't right yet.
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (and subsequently bed-wetting) Problem with women today, all these outrageous criteria and expectations, "eww eww he peed on me in bed!" Like you don't pee in bed too... just own it.
Skump Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 That list is: 1. happily employed (or in school) 2. some combo of smarter/ more organized/ more hardworking than me, by which I really mean more successful (call me old-fashioned, but I don't want to be the primary breadwinner of my future household) 3. does not smoke 4. health conscious; does not eat crap and exercises on a regular basis 5. not a heavy drinker 6. trustworthy I have no problem with your list, and I think those are typical expectations. That said, the prevalence of #2 is one illustration of why a fair portion of feminist theory is bullsh*t in practice. Just saying.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I have no problem with your list, and I think those are typical expectations. That said, the prevalence of #2 is one illustration of why a fair portion of feminist theory is bullsh*t in practice. Just saying. I have not a clue what that means.
carhill Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Skump's far better at succinct explanations than I, but my take is, on the one hand, you seek, daily, equality as it suits you, the mantra of feminism, and yet dismiss those men who would seek to and present themselves to be your equal, eschewing them for your vision of the 'superior' male, being more 'successful' than yourself, reasonably ensuring that you are unlikely to ever be the 'breadwinner', as this role apparently distresses you. I think you're not being singled out here, rather being shown as an example of a wider, more pervasive trend in society. IMO, you want what you want. If you can attract that kind of man and find him compatible, that is your path. Life experience will judge the reasonableness of your list. Hope it works out
Lucky_One Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Like tends to attract like. Are your closest friends marrying/in committed long-term relationships, having children, doing less wild partying? What are your best girl friends like?
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Like tends to attract like. Are your closest friends marrying/in committed long-term relationships, having children, doing less wild partying? What are your best girl friends like? I don't have a lot of girlfriends, but the ones I would consider close, are smart, extremely independent, and even more perma-single than me. One is my age, has already travelled the world on her own, and owns her own business. The other is in her mid-thirties, has a great career with an MBA from a top school in addition to several high-ranking technical designations, owns her own house, travels a lot, but has never been in a relationship. In fact she is still a virgin. I think what we have in common is that we are all extremely cynical when it comes to men's intentions. We don't put ourselves out there and when someone manages to find himself near us, we don't let him in.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) Skump's far better at succinct explanations than I, but my take is, on the one hand, you seek, daily, equality as it suits you, the mantra of feminism, and yet dismiss those men who would seek to and present themselves to be your equal, eschewing them for your vision of the 'superior' male, being more 'successful' than yourself, reasonably ensuring that you are unlikely to ever be the 'breadwinner', as this role apparently distresses you. I think you're not being singled out here, rather being shown as an example of a wider, more pervasive trend in society. IMO, you want what you want. If you can attract that kind of man and find him compatible, that is your path. Life experience will judge the reasonableness of your list. Hope it works out I don't see why it needs to be either/ or. What does having equality opportunity have to do with my romantic preferences? My preferences actually have little to do with the "breadwinner" role "distressing" me. I am simply not attracted to guys i perceive to be less aggressive than I am. Note that I haven't mentioned I am looking to be a SAHM or anything of the sort. I just want a guy whom I don't think it less able than I am. I don't see why that desire needs to trigger a feministic debate. Are you saying that in order for that requirement to be realistic, women should be stripped of their right to equality, to make it easier for men to compete? Edited May 23, 2011 by eerie_reverie
Lucky_One Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 If your best friends are single, then you will tend to be single, too. You may need to do some shaking up of your friend circle. Interestingly enough, I didn't realize that you were Spookie until I opened this thread. I was gone off LS for a while, and when I came back, I looked for your threads, because you were always so whacky and off-the-wall and so incredibly different in your lifestyle than I am/was (the pot, the drinking, the random hook-ups). I also wanted to see what transpired with Jack! So anyway, i went and read some of your new/old threads. And in one, you said that about 90% of the single guys you work with have expressed an interest in you. So out of all of those guys, not one checks off the list? And what happened when you went to see your XBF in February?
Woggle Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I don't you should be stripped of your right to equality but you seem to want it when it is convenient. It is not uncommon. Alpha women tend to want alpha men the most though alpha men tend to not want to settle down with alpha women.
Sacred-Self Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 causing you're asking that question why am I still single, that's why. You're waiting for it to happen, ha it will never happen like that. Ask the question why am I asking the question why am I still single and it will lead you to a better answer about why you are still single.
Dust Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I would say your biggest issue is you aren’t making an effort to get out there. Be bold and do the things you want in life which will usually involve getting out there. The men on your list will probably also be the type to approach random women they like to have witty flirty conversations which they will try to continue over a meal.
musemaj11 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 What is my problem? I am 25 years old and I have not had a serious boyfriend since I was 20 and in college. All of my friends and aquaintaces are getting paired off and I am starting to find myself the only perma-single person I know. I want to get married and start having kids but it has been years since I have met someone I would want to be my babydaddy. I don't have a problem attracting men, tho I will admit I am kind of a hermit, and do not expose myself to many of them. But I have problems wanting to stay in the relationships I find myself getting sucked into. I have dumped every single guy I have dated in the last 5 years for 1 of 2 reasons: I did not trust him (1); or I felt he held me back, that I had more potential AND more ambition than he did, and being in a relationship was not helping me acheive it (5+). The primary recurring thought I experienced with all the guys in the latter category after the initial thrill wore off was, "OMG, I spent 5 hours hanging out with your dumb friends, that I could have spent working out/ studying/ doing something productive." Of course, most of these guys are now happily engaged to nice, hot girls who adore them, while I'm still alone. It's not that I envy their girlfriends, but I do wonder if there is something wrong with me that's preventing me from being happy. Over the years, after having attempted to date people who displayed characteristics I was not attracted to/ respect very much, I have figured out my list of requiements. That list is: 1. happily employed (or in school) 2. some combo of smarter/ more organized/ more hardworking than me, by which I really mean more successful (call me old-fashioned, but I don't want to be the primary breadwinner of my future household) 3. does not smoke 4. health conscious; does not eat crap and exercises on a regular basis 5. not a heavy drinker 6. trustworthy I think my list is pretty basic and I bring all of that to the table... why have I been single for so long? Simple, Just like any other women who walks on the face of the earth, you want a man who is better than you. And the problem is that you are already better than many men so its harder for you to find a man who is even better than you. This is the problem with countless single women in the developed world. They are all modern women from the outside with high education and good career. But inside their head they are still no different than women in 1000BC. They want men who are more, not less. Unless you change your way of thinking, chances are you are going to die alone along with countless other women in similar situation especially since women are going to make up even larger chunk of the most successful people in the future.
LiberalMRA Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Eerie, I think most of the reasons for your plight have been mentioned, but not aggregated. 1. You don't have the ability to meet anyone. This is typically true for the type of guy you're trying to meet - the people out there are usually undesirables. It's pretty hard to meet anyone worthwhile nowadays - you're likely to see him once a month in a cozy pub with a few friends talking away, but nowhere else. 2. Your standards are exclusionary. There's not many men who meet those standards in your age range and geoloc. Just a simple fact. 3. You mentioned being cynical and not being very trusting. That comes across, and I sincerely doubt I'd ever give you a second look if I sensed those vibes. 4. Intelligent, successful, single men who make it to the point in their life you're interested in, generally have done so through studious self-preservation. They're generally just as wary of relationships as you are, but they have the added motive of family courts, no-fault divorce, etc. Personally, I'm 30, meet your criteria in spades, and you honestly lost me when using the word babbydaddy. I pretty much write off people who use language like that, as it instantly is a warning sign of a display of values (or lack of) that I consider highly negative. I state that, because, most likely, if you turned me off in the first post to any interest, you're likely sending bad signals in person as well. There was also a fair amount of justifying language (not used pot in a few months) that also was a red flag. I don't mention those things as a put down, or with any judgment, because they may not mean anything, but as an eligible male who fits your criteria, I thought I'd share what I thought when reading your original post. Those things usually show up in person also. My recommendation is simple - systematically expand your universe. Spend time doing things that enrich yourself, but also may lead to new contacts. Examples include ballroom dancing, singles cooking, young professional groups. Studiously avoid traditional pick-up spots. Just as I don't look to meet women in bars and clubs (and in fact, would be incredibly dubious of anyone I met at them), don't look for men in all the wrong spots. Oh, also, make sure your financial house is in order. Most people don't really have a clue what that means. If you have a bunch of debt, live paycheck to paycheck, don't put a large chunk into retirement, can't stand the thought of not having a new car (and car payment), and can't tell me your monthly food or entertainment budget, I'm probably going to be leery of marrying my finances to another persons. Single males without baggage and drama who meet your criteria, generally are very aware of those things, because they are a great window into the type of person they're talking to- personal finances are usually a great mirror for personal relationships. Good luck, it sounds like you've made real progress.
sanskrit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 you honestly lost me when using the word babbydaddy. I pretty much write off people who use language like that, as it instantly is a warning sign of a display of values (or lack of) that I consider highly negative. Welcome to the forums, that's interesting as I thought she was being entirely tongue in cheek. With you generally on the street patois and media cliches though.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Eerie, I think most of the reasons for your plight have been mentioned, but not aggregated. 1. You don't have the ability to meet anyone. This is typically true for the type of guy you're trying to meet - the people out there are usually undesirables. It's pretty hard to meet anyone worthwhile nowadays - you're likely to see him once a month in a cozy pub with a few friends talking away, but nowhere else. 2. Your standards are exclusionary. There's not many men who meet those standards in your age range and geoloc. Just a simple fact. 3. You mentioned being cynical and not being very trusting. That comes across, and I sincerely doubt I'd ever give you a second look if I sensed those vibes. 4. Intelligent, successful, single men who make it to the point in their life you're interested in, generally have done so through studious self-preservation. They're generally just as wary of relationships as you are, but they have the added motive of family courts, no-fault divorce, etc. Personally, I'm 30, meet your criteria in spades, and you honestly lost me when using the word babbydaddy. I pretty much write off people who use language like that, as it instantly is a warning sign of a display of values (or lack of) that I consider highly negative. I state that, because, most likely, if you turned me off in the first post to any interest, you're likely sending bad signals in person as well. There was also a fair amount of justifying language (not used pot in a few months) that also was a red flag. I don't mention those things as a put down, or with any judgment, because they may not mean anything, but as an eligible male who fits your criteria, I thought I'd share what I thought when reading your original post. Those things usually show up in person also. My recommendation is simple - systematically expand your universe. Spend time doing things that enrich yourself, but also may lead to new contacts. Examples include ballroom dancing, singles cooking, young professional groups. Studiously avoid traditional pick-up spots. Just as I don't look to meet women in bars and clubs (and in fact, would be incredibly dubious of anyone I met at them), don't look for men in all the wrong spots. Oh, also, make sure your financial house is in order. Most people don't really have a clue what that means. If you have a bunch of debt, live paycheck to paycheck, don't put a large chunk into retirement, can't stand the thought of not having a new car (and car payment), and can't tell me your monthly food or entertainment budget, I'm probably going to be leery of marrying my finances to another persons. Single males without baggage and drama who meet your criteria, generally are very aware of those things, because they are a great window into the type of person they're talking to- personal finances are usually a great mirror for personal relationships. Good luck, it sounds like you've made real progress. No offense, but you sound kind of boring.
utterer of lies Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 No offense, but you sound kind of boring. Haha, he does. But back on topic: Eerie, I guess the problem is that all the guys who do fulfill all the criteria think you do not fulfill are their criteria. I have similar criteria than you, especiall 1. and 2. I do need a smart and ambitious girl, but success at work is not enough. She also needs to be able to be a host for important dinners, and represent at official functions, ... I'm not sure, but having a past as a stripper makes me think that making good decisions for you and your life might not be your strongest point . Maybe there are other, related problems... these might easily turn off the guys that do fulfill your wishlist.
Ross MwcFan Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Lol @ ballroom dancing. No offense, but you sound kind of boring. Same here.
Lucky_One Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 My H and I would love ballroom dancing lessons if they had them closer to us. We have done cooking classes at a local community college, and that was great fun. We want to take Italian, too, but they aren't offering it this summer or fall. Trust me - to a woman who is looking for a great, stable man to build a future with, MRA seems like a great partner.
Chocolat Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Eerie, I think most of the reasons for your plight have been mentioned, but not aggregated. 1. You don't have the ability to meet anyone. This is typically true for the type of guy you're trying to meet - the people out there are usually undesirables. It's pretty hard to meet anyone worthwhile nowadays - you're likely to see him once a month in a cozy pub with a few friends talking away, but nowhere else. 2. Your standards are exclusionary. There's not many men who meet those standards in your age range and geoloc. Just a simple fact. 3. You mentioned being cynical and not being very trusting. That comes across, and I sincerely doubt I'd ever give you a second look if I sensed those vibes. 4. Intelligent, successful, single men who make it to the point in their life you're interested in, generally have done so through studious self-preservation. They're generally just as wary of relationships as you are, but they have the added motive of family courts, no-fault divorce, etc. Personally, I'm 30, meet your criteria in spades, and you honestly lost me when using the word babbydaddy. I pretty much write off people who use language like that, as it instantly is a warning sign of a display of values (or lack of) that I consider highly negative. I state that, because, most likely, if you turned me off in the first post to any interest, you're likely sending bad signals in person as well. There was also a fair amount of justifying language (not used pot in a few months) that also was a red flag. I don't mention those things as a put down, or with any judgment, because they may not mean anything, but as an eligible male who fits your criteria, I thought I'd share what I thought when reading your original post. Those things usually show up in person also. My recommendation is simple - systematically expand your universe. Spend time doing things that enrich yourself, but also may lead to new contacts. Examples include ballroom dancing, singles cooking, young professional groups. Studiously avoid traditional pick-up spots. Just as I don't look to meet women in bars and clubs (and in fact, would be incredibly dubious of anyone I met at them), don't look for men in all the wrong spots. Oh, also, make sure your financial house is in order. Most people don't really have a clue what that means. If you have a bunch of debt, live paycheck to paycheck, don't put a large chunk into retirement, can't stand the thought of not having a new car (and car payment), and can't tell me your monthly food or entertainment budget, I'm probably going to be leery of marrying my finances to another persons. Single males without baggage and drama who meet your criteria, generally are very aware of those things, because they are a great window into the type of person they're talking to[b/]- personal finances are usually a great mirror for personal relationships. Good luck, it sounds like you've made real progress. Great post! I am female but I relate to what is written here, especially the bit I bolded. Eligible women think much the same way. p.s. And definitely not boring!
dispatch3d Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 not sure how you meet your own requirements for number 2, but good job! That list is: 1. happily employed (or in school) 2. some combo of smarter/ more organized/ more hardworking than me, by which I really mean more successful (call me old-fashioned, but I don't want to be the primary breadwinner of my future household) 3. does not smoke 4. health conscious; does not eat crap and exercises on a regular basis 5. not a heavy drinker 6. trustworthy
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