Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 It may be true that your demographics don't lend to as many single good dudes, but putting yourself out there is another form of emotional unavailability. Basically, I just don't think it's just bad luck here. That's all. Good news is, it's all in your control. Yah, you probably do have a point. My favorite "relationships" are actually the ones in my head - like the fantasy one I've been having with my boss (who has no interest in me) for the last 3 years, or with my ex before that. Every couple of months, I trade in this in to date a loser, as if to convince myself that there are no other good guys out there, and I should just stick to my daydreams. This is probably a sign of emotional unavailability as well...
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 but NOT putting yourself out there is another form of emotional unavailability. Uggggh, me and typos tonight! I meant to insert "not" as corrected above. Yah, you probably do have a point. My favorite "relationships" are actually the ones in my head - like the fantasy one I've been having with my boss (who has no interest in me) for the last 3 years, or with my ex before that. Every couple of months, I trade in this in to date a loser, as if to convince myself that there are no other good guys out there, and I should just stick to my daydreams. This is probably a sign of emotional unavailability as well... Mmmhmm. Sooooo BTDT. If your dream guy presented himself to you, oh, say, 3 years ago (when you were "worse off" emotionally, for lack of a better phrase), do you think you either would have not dated him at all, or dated him but done something to sabotage it? If so, why? I ask because while you're recognizing some emotional unavailability, the crucial step is figuring out the feelings that make you hold back and be EU, and dealing with those feelings.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Uggggh, me and typos tonight! I meant to insert "not" as corrected above. Mmmhmm. Sooooo BTDT. If your dream guy presented himself to you, oh, say, 3 years ago (when you were "worse off" emotionally, for lack of a better phrase), do you think you either would have not dated him at all, or dated him but done something to sabotage it? If so, why? I ask because while you're recognizing some emotional unavailability, the crucial step is figuring out the feelings that make you hold back and be EU, and dealing with those feelings. He would have lost interest before I sabotaged it because I would not have been able to open up to him at all. Or perhaps I would have sabotaged it BEFORE he lost interest? Not sure. Even while I was stripping, I did not want a guy who would have been ok with ok with that; at that point, I was definitely unavailable. I am glad you are bringing this up because it does hilight the reasons I have been single/ EU for at least 2 of the last 3 years. I am not good at accepting criticism/ admitting weakness, so the fact that I was still not happy with myself definitely kept me from being able to open up in the first couple years after leaving college/stripping behind me. For example, I was not proud of how I was still smoking pot, was messy with my finances, and had limited knowledge of music. As a kid, I had lied compulsively to present a perfect version of myself to my parents. As an adult, I avoid conversations that reveal my insecurities or problems. This tendency is actually always getting called out at work, where I am constantly in a battle about communication with my boss - him wanting more of it, me wanting to do it only when I have good news. That said, the only insecurity I have at the moment is minor, and it's about my past. I am looking for someone who can accept it, but not be totally ok with it - someone who would be understanding of all the conflicting emotions. I am willing to be open on this count. I guess it's not fair to demand to know why I'm single if it's only been a year that I have felt deserving of a good relationship.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I am glad you are bringing this up because it does hilight the reasons I have been single/ EU for at least 2 of the last 3 years. I'm glad I could help, in however small a way. I guess it's not fair to demand to know why I'm single if it's only been a year that I have felt deserving of a good relationship. That's the first step, feeling deserving. So yeah, patience is next. That, and putting yourself out there.
sb129 Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Cause I want to get married and have kids. Are you suggesting I wait till my 30's to start trying? That seems like a pretty bad idea. Hey! Whats so bad about that??? Spook I'm not sure if you this, but I didn't meet my H until I was 29. I had our daughter at 32. I was a bit of a mess in my mid 20s- had a great time in some ways but made lots of mistakes relationship wise. I am glad I had time to grow up and get to know myself and what I really wanted from a R because when the right one came along, it was easier to recognise. And this R isn't angsty or full of drama... The same goes for being a mum. Being a mum is pretty tough going sometimes, but I think I am mature enough now to deal with it. If I had had my daughter earlier I think I would have struggled with the self sacrifice that comes with motherhood. Don't give up hope...
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I am glad I had time to grow up and get to know myself and what I really wanted from a R because when the right one came along, it was easier to recognize. This too... you really do have plenty of time, girl. And I'm not just saying that because I'm in the same place and older than you!
Jynxx Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 That list is: 1. happily employed (or in school) 2. some combo of smarter/ more organized/ more hardworking than me, by which I really mean more successful (call me old-fashioned, but I don't want to be the primary breadwinner of my future household) 3. does not smoke 4. health conscious; does not eat crap and exercises on a regular basis 5. not a heavy drinker 6. trustworthy Fair enough, but what exactly are you bringing to the table?
Els Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 The primary recurring thought I experienced with all the guys in the latter category after the initial thrill wore off was, "OMG, I spent 5 hours hanging out with your dumb friends, that I could have spent working out/ studying/ doing something productive." Well, since this mainly appears to be the problem... perhaps you need to do some deep introspection into why you feel that way. Is it that you weren't really in love with the men enough, that you didn't enjoy spending time with them and thus it felt like a hassle? Or were they overly clingy, and you just naturally prefer to spend more time alone (or doing other things) than with a partner? Or was the culprit perhaps the fact that you agreed to hanging out for 5 hours with their friends when you didn't even really want to in the first place, and should have learnt how to say no instead? It doesn't hurt to say no sometimes to activities your SO proposes that you have little interest in.
dispatch3d Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I mean, only you can answer this, but how well do you hold up to your own standards? How many of your friends live up to those standards? I feel like you're too hard on the guys you date, is the reason I'm asking...
dispatch3d Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 He would have lost interest before I sabotaged it because I would not have been able to open up to him at all. Or perhaps I would have sabotaged it BEFORE he lost interest? Not sure. Even while I was stripping, I did not want a guy who would have been ok with ok with that; at that point, I was definitely unavailable. I am glad you are bringing this up because it does hilight the reasons I have been single/ EU for at least 2 of the last 3 years. I am not good at accepting criticism/ admitting weakness, so the fact that I was still not happy with myself definitely kept me from being able to open up in the first couple years after leaving college/stripping behind me. For example, I was not proud of how I was still smoking pot, was messy with my finances, and had limited knowledge of music. As a kid, I had lied compulsively to present a perfect version of myself to my parents. As an adult, I avoid conversations that reveal my insecurities or problems. This tendency is actually always getting called out at work, where I am constantly in a battle about communication with my boss - him wanting more of it, me wanting to do it only when I have good news. That said, the only insecurity I have at the moment is minor, and it's about my past. I am looking for someone who can accept it, but not be totally ok with it - someone who would be understanding of all the conflicting emotions. I am willing to be open on this count. I guess it's not fair to demand to know why I'm single if it's only been a year that I have felt deserving of a good relationship. Too critical of your own failings. Also stripping pictures please? Who does that, I was a stripper but I won't provide photos .
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 I mean, only you can answer this, but how well do you hold up to your own standards? How many of your friends live up to those standards? I feel like you're too hard on the guys you date, is the reason I'm asking... I meet all my requirements, if that's what your asking.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Well, since this mainly appears to be the problem... perhaps you need to do some deep introspection into why you feel that way. Is it that you weren't really in love with the men enough, that you didn't enjoy spending time with them and thus it felt like a hassle? Or were they overly clingy, and you just naturally prefer to spend more time alone (or doing other things) than with a partner? Or was the culprit perhaps the fact that you agreed to hanging out for 5 hours with their friends when you didn't even really want to in the first place, and should have learnt how to say no instead? It doesn't hurt to say no sometimes to activities your SO proposes that you have little interest in. I never felt that way with my college bf - in fact, I always viewed our time together as an investment in the relationship. With all the subsequent guys, I guess I just wasn't into them and never saw it going anywhere, even if I didn't admit that to myself right away.
thatone Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Cause I want to get married and have kids. Are you suggesting I wait till my 30's to start trying? That seems like a pretty bad idea. just like you wanted the money that being a stripper provided, and you wanted to screw your friend's man, and you wanted the feeling that the drugs gave you. but you said you stopped doing all of those things, so did you really want them that bad? sure, find a husband and have kids on a whim too. think about it. if it doesn't work out, the next time you get to decide that you don't want to be a single mother with kids at home, you'll be 45, not 25.
Els Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I mean, only you can answer this, but how well do you hold up to your own standards? How many of your friends live up to those standards? I feel like you're too hard on the guys you date, is the reason I'm asking... I don't think eerie's requirements are anywhere CLOSE to being too hard on the guys. They're definitely a lot more reasonable than some I've seen around here. Seriously. The only thing difficult to attain on that list is the 'smarter/more driven than her' bit.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 just like you wanted the money that being a stripper provided, and you wanted to screw your friend's man, and you wanted the feeling that the drugs gave you. but you said you stopped doing all of those things, so did you really want them that bad? sure, find a husband and have kids on a whim too. think about it. if it doesn't work out, the next time you get to decide that you don't want to be a single mother with kids at home, you'll be 45, not 25. What's with all the bitterness?
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I don't think eerie's requirements are anywhere CLOSE to being too hard on the guys. They're definitely a lot more reasonable than some I've seen around here. Seriously. The only thing difficult to attain on that list is the 'smarter/more driven than her' bit. Agreed. She's also in the rare minority of offering the same things she's looking for. Most gals around here want more than they bring to the table.
thatone Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 What's with all the bitterness? it's not bitter, it's experience. you don't know what you want, as evidenced by the fact that you've changed what you want multiple times in your 20s there's nothing wrong with that, i didn't know what i wanted when i was 25 either, and changed what i wanted in my 20s all the time too. the difference in me and you is if i got some girl pregnant when i was 25, i'd have to earn a few more bucks and send a check every month. you have to raise those kids if you have them, and your options for men would be cut by about 2/3 for the next 20 years. think about that.
Els Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Agreed. She's also in the rare minority of offering the same things she's looking for. Most gals around here want more than they bring to the table. Well, there IS the minor point of her wanting someone smarter/more driven than her instead of on par. But eh, plenty of men on here admit that they want a 'hot gf' despite not being a looker themselves, and are told to go for it (and some succeed!), so I see little wrong with that. Eerie.. What do you think was it about those 5 guys that made you not-really-interested in them to the point that you felt it was a waste of time to spend it with them?
thatone Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Eerie.. What do you think was it about those 5 guys that made you not-really-interested in them to the point that you felt it was a waste of time to spend it with them? i'm guessing the fact that they were normal 20 something year olds. she sounds like me when i was in my 20s. i wanted to grow up too fast, i thought it was the right thing to do. as a man i had it easier in that i could simply ignore women and they'd eventually go away, after all they had more options. it took me until my late 20s/early 30s to realize that obsessively changing lifestyles like that isn't really a healthy thing, and putting those grand expectations you create for yourself on other people almost never ends well, unless you stumble across someone as obsessive as you are, in which case you have a huge storm on the horizon that'll end even worse.
Els Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 i'm guessing the fact that they were normal 20 something year olds. she sounds like me when i was in my 20s. i wanted to grow up too fast, i thought it was the right thing to do. as a man i had it easier in that i could simply ignore women and they'd eventually go away, after all they had more options. it took me until my late 20s/early 30s to realize that obsessively changing lifestyles like that isn't really a healthy thing, and putting those grand expectations you create for yourself on other people almost never ends well, unless you stumble across someone as obsessive as you are, in which case you have a huge storm on the horizon that'll end even worse. I dunno. My list is very similar to hers, and I have had little trouble with it so far. I too give pretty much what I expect, and all of the guys I've ever been with have satisfied her requirements. Then again, hers probably also did, otherwise she wouldn't have been with them... but then she still didn't find them interesting in the end? Not sure... hopefully OP can clarify.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Well, there IS the minor point of her wanting someone smarter/more driven than her instead of on par. But eh, plenty of men on here admit that they want a 'hot gf' despite not being a looker themselves, and are told to go for it (and some succeed!), so I see little wrong with that. Eerie.. What do you think was it about those 5 guys that made you not-really-interested in them to the point that felt it was a waste of time to spend it with them? They didn't meet my requirements, but in each instance, I tricked myself into thinking I could deal with the short-comings. For example, one guy was still living the frat-boy binge-drinking (and subsequently bed-wetting) lifestyle. He was a nice, smart, extremely good-hearted guy that I could probably have been compatible with several years down the road, but at the time we were dating, he was clingy, immature, and our priorities just didn't line up. The most recent guy failed to meet ALL the requirements. I got involved with him because he IS really smart, and has the best sense of humor of anyone I've ever met, but after a few weeks, his cynicism, lack of ambition, and self-destructiveness almost drove me insane. The only person I have dated who met all my requirements, was my college boyfriend, but that's been over for 4+ years. The only other guy who came close also happened to be a cheating narcissist.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 it's not bitter, it's experience. you don't know what you want, as evidenced by the fact that you've changed what you want multiple times in your 20s there's nothing wrong with that, i didn't know what i wanted when i was 25 either, and changed what i wanted in my 20s all the time too. the difference in me and you is if i got some girl pregnant when i was 25, i'd have to earn a few more bucks and send a check every month. you have to raise those kids if you have them, and your options for men would be cut by about 2/3 for the next 20 years. think about that. Actually, I have never changed my mind about what I want. I had some issues that led me to be very depressed in my early twenties - the time period during which I stripped for a living and abused drugs. But some years ago, I resolved to be as happy as possible whilst acheiving the goals I'd had since I was a little girl, and that's what I've been doing since. I've always known I wanted to have children.
thatone Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 yeah, i know how it is, i had the same kind of issues that led me to a gambling addiction in my 20s. but that doesn't change the fact that rushing into a relationship/marriage/kids isn't gonna solve those problems. those problems aren't what you did, the problems are who you were at that time. it's a process, you can't do it all overnight. a) do better things, b) make better friends while doing better things, c) date better people that you met while doing better things, d) have relationships with the better dates that were selected from a pool of better people. in that order. you can't just decide one day to be different, it takes time. start at the beginning, the rest will sort itself out.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 yeah, i know how it is, i had the same kind of issues that led me to a gambling addiction in my 20s. but that doesn't change the fact that rushing into a relationship/marriage/kids isn't gonna solve those problems. those problems aren't what you did, the problems are who you were at that time. it's a process, you can't do it all overnight. a) do better things, b) make better friends while doing better things, c) date better people that you met while doing better things, d) have relationships with the better dates that were selected from a pool of better people. in that order. you can't just decide one day to be different, it takes time. start at the beginning, the rest will sort itself out. I think you're missing my point. Those "things" I was doing, I have not done for 3+ years. I'm not just waking up and deciding I want a different life. I have already invested a lot into aqcuiring it.
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