eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 What is my problem? I am 25 years old and I have not had a serious boyfriend since I was 20 and in college. All of my friends and aquaintaces are getting paired off and I am starting to find myself the only perma-single person I know. I want to get married and start having kids but it has been years since I have met someone I would want to be my babydaddy. I don't have a problem attracting men, tho I will admit I am kind of a hermit, and do not expose myself to many of them. But I have problems wanting to stay in the relationships I find myself getting sucked into. I have dumped every single guy I have dated in the last 5 years for 1 of 2 reasons: I did not trust him (1); or I felt he held me back, that I had more potential AND more ambition than he did, and being in a relationship was not helping me acheive it (5+). The primary recurring thought I experienced with all the guys in the latter category after the initial thrill wore off was, "OMG, I spent 5 hours hanging out with your dumb friends, that I could have spent working out/ studying/ doing something productive." Of course, most of these guys are now happily engaged to nice, hot girls who adore them, while I'm still alone. It's not that I envy their girlfriends, but I do wonder if there is something wrong with me that's preventing me from being happy. Over the years, after having attempted to date people who displayed characteristics I was not attracted to/ respect very much, I have figured out my list of requiements. That list is: 1. happily employed (or in school) 2. some combo of smarter/ more organized/ more hardworking than me, by which I really mean more successful (call me old-fashioned, but I don't want to be the primary breadwinner of my future household) 3. does not smoke 4. health conscious; does not eat crap and exercises on a regular basis 5. not a heavy drinker 6. trustworthy I think my list is pretty basic and I bring all of that to the table... why have I been single for so long?
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Because while your list-of-desired traits is fair, when push comes to shove, you actually have horrible taste in men, and are emotionally unstable.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Because while your list-of-desired traits is fair, when push comes to shove, you actually have horrible taste in men, and are emotionally unstable. Huh? How am I emotionally unstable?
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Oh and ignore Star Gazer. She doesn't know what she's talking about and is just here to sling insults (look at her behavior from earlier tonight to get the idea). What insult did I slay at you other than calling you a troll for telling me that every woman who's over 29 is all used up and unmarriable? :laugh: Eerie, aka Spookie, has a long history here, "Boxer." You might want to get to know posters before disregarding others' opinions.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Huh? How am I emotionally unstable? Do we really need to rehash this? Okay, well... you were a stripper, you do drugs, you go through bouts of depression, and the last guy I recall that you chose to date/f**k was your friend's almost-boyfriend...and you lose interest in men as soon as you have sex with them. This is just all off the top of my head, I'm sure I could be reminded of other traits. These are all signs of a woman who's emotionally unstable/unavailable. Perhaps unavailable is a better word choice. If you're emotionally unavailable - as many people are, particularly at your typical professionally-angsty-age - it's not surprising to find yourself unable to find a LTR. I still think you should write for money... and not insurance policies.
carhill Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I don't expose myself to a lot of women, either. I would probably be arrested for public indecency. You've come a long way. Humor is attractive. Nicely done OP, for anyone, being single is a choice. We all make choices, every day. Whether those choices are healthy or not, our reflection upon them, along with history, will decide. Why not just live out the rest of your 20's as a single young lady and grow yourself, by yourself, enjoying the company of others as you choose? You could do far worse in life. Hope it works out
RedPill Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 The primary recurring thought I experienced with all the guys in the latter category after the initial thrill wore off was, "OMG, I spent 5 hours hanging out with your dumb friends, that I could have spent working out/ studying/ doing something productive." ^Here is your problem. You want a babydaddy and a provider but don't want the inconvenience of spending time on another person which does not directly benefit you. Nothing is free.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I don't expose myself to a lot of women, either. I would probably be arrested for public indecency. Good one!
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Do we really need to rehash this? Okay, well... you were a stripper, you do drugs, you go through bouts of depression, and the last guy I recall that you chose to date/f**k was your friend's almost-boyfriend...and you lose interest in men as soon as you have sex with them. This is just all off the top of my head, I'm sure I could be reminded of other traits. These are all signs of a woman who's emotionally unstable/unavailable. Perhaps unavailable is a better word choice. If you're emotionally unavailable - as many people are, particularly at your typical professionally-angsty-age - it's not surprising to find yourself unable to find a LTR. I still think you should write for money... and not insurance policies. I was a stripper more than 3 years ago. As you know I have a different career now, a "respectable" one that I have poured my heart into, that has been going really well. I also don't do drugs anymore - the only "drugs" I have done in the last 3 years was pot, which I haven't touched in months. We all have pasts. Mine is probably more fcvked up than average, but my lifestyle in the last 3 years is nothing like it was back then. I have really turned my life around. I wake up at 4:30 AM every day, work out , go to work (where I am managing someone now so clearly some people think I am stable), study, and go to sleep early. I just want someone with a similar death-grip on keeping their s!ht together. Re: my friend's almost-boyfriend, I am not proud of that (tho the story is more complicated than I am the evil btch who fcvked him). But let's keep the other facts straight. I'm not a coke-snorting stripper anymore. I am a boring actuary. It's true that I lose interest in men after having sex. This is what I want to get to the bottom of. Before y'all call me a slut, I don't have sex that often. Less than 1 partner per year, the rest of which I spend single. My hypothesis is that I lose interest because they don't meet my requirements, and I shouldn't have been dating them in the first place. But I am open to other interpretations. If the reason is that I'm "emotionally unstable", I want to know that means. And the reason behind this instability.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Why not just live out the rest of your 20's as a single young lady and grow yourself, by yourself, enjoying the company of others as you choose? You could do far worse in life. Hope it works out Cause I want to get married and have kids. Are you suggesting I wait till my 30's to start trying? That seems like a pretty bad idea.
carhill Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Cause I want to get married and have kids. Are you suggesting I wait till my 30's to start trying? That seems like a pretty bad idea.Perhaps it is a 'bad idea', but tricycle boy's mom didn't have him, her only, until she was 37 and that was over 50 years ago. One marriage, for life. Spent lots of time as a single lady in her 20's and 30's presumably loving and growing. Very independent. Sound like anyone we know? You have a past. It's the past. Live in the now. It sounds like you are. Continue. My belief is that success is where preparation and opportunity meet. You've been preparing. Continue. Opportunity is coming.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Star Gazer is a washed up 30 something woman who can't attract a man. Everything she posts is sublimated anger and displaced frustration. Arguing with her is probably a waste of time. I also doubt your past is more fxd up than many others here. You were probably more honest about it and now women like to use your honesty against you. I bet it'd be pretty entertaining to look into a crystal ball and see what star gazer and jizz were doing when they were our age. I'm guessing they both had a lot of problems. Keep improving yourself and stay away from the drugs. You are on the right track and by improving yourself you might become more attractive to the type of people you are looking for. Ignore those who bash you. They do so from a position of weakness and jealousy, imo. Regards, Boxer That was uncalled for. Please keep the insults out of my thread.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 If the reason is that I'm "emotionally unstable", I want to know that means. And the reason behind this instability. Well, as much as I'd love for LS to be capable of getting to the root of the problem, my guess is that it would take someone better trained...if you get my drift. My emotionally unavailable period was longer than I hope yours turns out to be, and stemmed from abandonment fears, which I never would have believed or recognized but-for a kind therapist who I talked to when dealing with the grief of losing my grandmother and my anger towards my mother...and how that affected every aspect of my relationships, with both men (romantically) and women (friends). All in all, given your age and what you've struggled with as discussed here, I imagine that your unavailability stems from how you grew up - your relationship with your parents. But I don't remember enough about that...
johan Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I don't know about the emotional stability part. Could be true, but then it's true of the majority of women anyway, at least because they have a week of month when insanity becomes a birthright. But that's generally not the only explanation. The majority of guys you've dated, at least as you've described them, are complete idiots. They were married or addicts/alcoholics or wet the bed or were complete slackers. You haven't made the best choices, S/E. Maybe you should think about how you choose guys and what really attracts you to them. It doesn't seem like you've even tried to get together with someone who met any of the criteria you listed. And another thing: Are you sure that a guy who takes care of himself and is successful at the office is really going to be attractive to you? There is often a difference between what you wish you wanted and what you actually want. But honestly, E/S, you're an appealing girl. You're not old. You're probably hard to get to know. Your lifestyle seems to be good. You've shown that you can overcome your own bad habits. Maybe the next one to overcome is the bad habit of choosing wankers. Oh, and also become emotionally stable. That's going to be important.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Perhaps it is a 'bad idea', but tricycle boy's mom didn't have him, her only, until she was 37 and that was over 50 years ago. One marriage, for life. Spent lots of time as a single lady in her 20's and 30's presumably loving and growing. Very independent. Sound like anyone we know? You have a past. It's the past. Live in the now. It sounds like you are. Continue. My belief is that success is where preparation and opportunity meet. You've been preparing. Continue. Opportunity is coming. So you are saying there's nothing wrong with me? :bunny: My mom had my awesome baby bro when she was 43, so I know I've got some time. But to me, getting married and having children is such an important life goal, that I don't want to procrastinate on that process. I don't want to wake up when I'm 35 and realize I'm still single, with the same unaddressed issues and just a couple years' window to have kids.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 The majority of guys you've dated, at least as you've described them, are complete idiots. They were married or addicts/alcoholics or wet the bed or were complete slackers. You haven't made the best choices, S/E. Maybe you should think about how you choose guys and what really attracts you to them. It doesn't seem like you've even tried to get together with someone who met any of the criteria you listed. ES is a very smart, intuitive woman. She'd be able to identify a good, compatible man if he was in front of her... but she doesn't. Rather, she picks guys who are wrong, wrong, wrong for her, and as you said, idiots and losers. It's as though she's choosing relationships she knows will go nowhere. Picking the wrong loser guys who she knows she'll lose interest in, over and over again, is a sign of emotional unavailability.
johan Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Well, to be fair, I'm not sure how many guys there are who meet her criteria who are still single. There aren't a lot of them regardless. And it isn't a given that a guy like she wants is going to be great to be around, if he is single. When you get right down to it, the search is just going to take some time. There are a lot of smart, fit, dickheads in the world, too.
carhill Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 But to me, getting married and having children is such an important life goal, that I don't want to procrastinate on that process. I don't want to wake up when I'm 35 and realize I'm still single, with the same unaddressed issues and just a couple years' window to have kids.For most people (not myself, unfortunately), it takes a couple of timely unprotected sexual encounters and nine months to grow a baby to birth, a very brief time out of a person's life. Say you continue preparing for another decade and opportunity comes your way. Reflecting back upon that as you bounce a grandchild on your knee in your twilight years, will that decade been a waste or a part of your successful life journey? Unknown. IMO, accept the past and your choices for what they are, learn from them, continue to grow, and believe that your life path is unique and meaningful. Your friends, your family, your co-workers have their own life path. Wish them well. Follow your path. Accept that it may be and likely will be different, just as you are different. Do you think you are a different person from last year? From three years ago? From ten years ago? Do you feel you are a more complete and 'better' person? Why? What will the next decade bring? How will you feel at 35? So many options, so many choices. Pretty exciting, if you ask me.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Well, to be fair, I'm not sure how many guys there are who meet her criteria who are still single. There aren't a lot of them regardless. I disagree. There are TONS of them in her age range. I was passing them by left and right when I was her age, all in the name of being emotionally unavailable and unconsciously not wanting to be vulnerable in a "real" relationship. But yes, there are tons of smart, fit, dickheads in the world too...of all ages.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Well, as much as I'd love for LS to be capable of getting to the root of the problem, my guess is that it would take someone better trained...if you get my drift. My emotionally unavailable period was longer than I hope yours turns out to be, and stemmed from abandonment fears, which I never would have believed or recognized but-for a kind therapist who I talked to when dealing with the grief of losing my grandmother and my anger towards my mother...and how that affected every aspect of my relationships, with both men (romantically) and women (friends). All in all, given your age and what you've struggled with as discussed here, I imagine that your unavailability stems from how you grew up - your relationship with your parents. But I don't remember enough about that... Hm, that's some food for thought. I always think of myself as having gotten damaged at some point in college, but perhaps the fact that my first relationship was able to destroy me so completely is indicative of deeper issues. My childhood was not typical, but nothing terrible happened, either. My parents are crazy in the same way I imagine ES's to be: hyper-critical, demanding, passive-aggressive, co-dependent, but also over-protective to the point that they ensured I was a loner by not letting me do anything or go anywhere. My dad had an affair when I was in my early teens which was traumatizing and probably triggered my crazy. Aside from that, we also moved around a lot, which meant all my friendships and relationships were short-lived. My childhood wasn't perfect, but I also can't think of anything that would cause me to have "serious issues". No abuse of any kind, no abandonment. Unlike ES (and my brother who stayed home and is totally psycho) I have had a long-distance relationship with my family since I was 18. Unfortunately, I feel saner with a couple thousand miles between us - altho this attitude is changing as I become my own person and realize they are actually proud of me.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 ES is a very smart, intuitive woman. I meant ER, not ES! Ack.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 My childhood wasn't perfect, but I also can't think of anything that would cause me to have "serious issues". No abuse of any kind, no abandonment. My family wasn't crazy, and didn't have a fraction of what you and ES experienced, but I did grow up fatherless (he left when my mom was preggo, never even met him after I was born). Feelings of abandonment come from various sources. An alcoholic father that was always physically present, but not emotionally present. A father who was never there to begin with (i.e., left the mother before child was born). A father who has an affair, thereby cheating on not only the mother, but the entire family (thus, the children). Divorce, even when parents remain in the child's life. Even overly-critical parents, who make the child feel like they will disapprove of the child if they do something wrong (threat of abandoning their love for them). These are just examples. In short, feelings of abandonment don't usually come from literal abandonment... but rather, of losing the love of someone who's supposed to love us and be there. Just something to think about. We're not cookie cutter people.
Author eerie_reverie Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 ES is a very smart, intuitive woman. She'd be able to identify a good, compatible man if he was in front of her... but she doesn't. Rather, she picks guys who are wrong, wrong, wrong for her, and as you said, idiots and losers. It's as though she's choosing relationships she knows will go nowhere. Picking the wrong loser guys who she knows she'll lose interest in, over and over again, is a sign of emotional unavailability. Honestly, thinking back on the last 3 years, I have not met ANY single guys who have met those requirements. The only one I can think of is my boss. There is a good chance that I'm not putting myself out there, but I don't think the problem is ALL in my people-picker. I don't think there have been any good, compatible men in front of me in a few years... only men who have met half of my requirements, that I slept with anyway hoping things would work out despite the glaring red flags. Also keep in mind that I'm in the midwest, spending most of my time in the suburbs, where people marry FAR younger than they do in Cali. By my age, a LOT of guys out here, especially the good ones, aren't on the market anymore.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 There is a good chance that I'm not putting myself out there, but I don't think the problem is ALL in my people-picker. I don't think there have been any good, compatible men in front of me in a few years... It may be true that your demographics don't lend to as many single good dudes, but putting yourself out there is another form of emotional unavailability. Basically, I just don't think it's just bad luck here. That's all. Good news is, it's all in your control.
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