sunshine suki Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone! Long story short: After a one year smooth relationship (in which I gave my heart and soul), my boyfriend called it quit because I had 'the talk' with him on commitment. Wow! His excuse on the spot was that he needed to sort things out, he didn't knew what he wanted for his life. Hum.. After a pretty emotional break up, he asked for us to stay friends and I said yes. Eventhough I accepted the friendship request, I went NC from day one after the break up. I really had no interest in talking with him or seeing him. I just needed to heal and get rational. He called me after a week, asking if I was ok and wanting to some chatting. I said I was ok and had a really short talk with him. I didn't felt like going through my feelings and thoughts with him at all. He told me he was missing me.. sometimes. He called again after a week and suggested that we hang out together, on 'friendly' terms. His way of saying it drove me crazy.. ''let's just hang out since we are friends!'' My gut feeling was telling me that he wanted a little ego boost and possibly a friends with benefits thing. I told him I was not ready to meet him up yet 'on friendly terms'. He told me, 'ok, I respect that'. On the spot, I thought it was pretty unsensitive to bring the idea of a friendly meeting right away. A week later, he called again. I couldn't talk long because I was working so he tried to call me back twice during this week-end. He got my answering machine and I never called back. Then, a week after that - he calls out of nowhere, around 11 p.m. and start asking me questions again to check out if 'I was ok' and if I was angry at him. He started thanking me for some things I did for him while being in the relationship and... he ask me if I want him to come get his stuff at my place (some unimportant stuff like tshirts, cds and socks..), I said yes but I replied.. 'now'? ''Yes'' he said. He wanted to come pick his things at 11 p.m. at my place? What? Anyway, I turned him down and told him to come during the week-end. I also told him that I didn't want to remain friends with him even though I've previously accepted his friendship when we broke up. He seemed pretty disappointed and asked if we could be friends in the future.. I said I didn't know. What do you think of this situation? Is it better for me to pull out completely? Thanks! Edited May 22, 2011 by sunshine suki
midkirby Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I believe he either wants to be friends with you because it makes him feel less guilty for breaking up with you. I also think that maybe he does want a friends with benefits thing too. Stand your ground and don't let him have a moment of your time. He wants to keep you as a back up plan, if things don't work out for him.
Popondetta Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Stay NC and make him realize what he's lost!!!! I think dumpers sometimes don't realize what it means to break up with somebody and think they can still hvae you around if they change their minds or if they just need some ego-boost. NC is the only way to make them realize what a break ups is all about.
nana841121 Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 some guys are just twisted inside. don't swirl yourself into their lives. ugly scenes.
PinkChic Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Oh my... you gave me SUCH FLASHBACKS to my break up! My boyfriend also a flawless relationship broke up with me out of the clear blue. He really is a SERIOUS case of commitment phobe. We were broken up for 7 weeks and during that time we went 2 weeks NC and the rest was him wanting to meet up as "friends". I said ABSOLUTELY NOT, that is a CP's glory! They get exactly what they want: You around without the commitment. I was a complete idiot and met him a few times and of course it would lead to me going home in tears and finally I said to him that was it. He had lost me and that I was COMPLETELY done with him, I told him I was going to wake up tomorrow and he was going to be dead to me (mean but I wanted to make my point)... a couple days later he called and texted me BEGGING to get back together. I will tell you... being involved with a true CP is one of the hardest experiences ever. I have so much respect for myself for going through this with him. Our old relationship was all about him and his terms, this one is all about ME for right now. He has a lot to prove and he is NOT getting off the hook easy. I also told him that if he wanted to get back together he would need to go to counceling. nobody can change a CP, not even them. He has agreed. Please don't be friends with him. You seem to have a sound head on your shoulders and won't. CP's are very scared of comitment, but they do love and they are just as scared to lose the person they love. It's a struggle for them. If they are smart they will realize they have a problem, get help and face their fears so they CAN have a loving relationship. Keep your head up and good luck!
Author sunshine suki Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Thank you so much for the good thoughts! He was supposed to get his things this week-end though and I don't have news.. I can't believe he won't come and get them!! Well, I guess some shelter would be glad to have them if he doesn't show up! If he doesn't show up, that would be a sign that he was only making up excuses the other night, when he asked if I wanted him to come and pick his things up... excuses to come at my place late at night... that is too lousy!!
geegirl Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 11PM to pick up socks! Haha. Reminds me of my ex. Would contact late at night with the most bizarre lines. Once texted me at 5AM wanting to come over to give me a pie he made! I expected he was looking for some nookie or really missing me. I suspect the former. You're doing great. You have boundaries, you stick to them and you don't take **** and the usual breadcrumbs. Keep going!! You can decide in time once you have indifference if you want him as a friend or you're better off without.
23go4 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 give yourself time to heal. give him time to heal. let him know you'd love to be friends with him in the future, but right now, emotionally you can't. You just went from a serious relationship to nothing. best advice I can give is to give each other time, don't talk to him for a while and let the emotions fade away. It will take time. It took me almost 2 years to be friends with the girl who I dated for 9 months. I just got out of a 2 year relationship. it went from break, to friends, to now we are not going to talk to each other at all. We agreed on being friends in the future, after we are healed and have lost all our strong feelings for each other. She will hold a very special place in my heart forever, i'll never forget her. But sometimes you got to do what you got to do and move on. Life continues and things happen and sometimes you don't know why. Hope this helps, good luck.
Author sunshine suki Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 23go4, thanks for your answer, full of wisdom. My ex finally didn't showed up to get his things this week-end. I just don't get why.. What should I do about it now? .. :S
honeybeez Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Hi Everyone, I'm new here and just thought I'd throw my 3 pennyworth in! I've been in a relationship with a CP for nearly 2 years, but at least mine was honest from the start. No promises of living together or marriage, wanted his own space etc. Despite that it's been a confusing road involving his sex problems among other things. But I'm not looking for a more committed relationship either, so it's ok (I'd like better sex though lol). I'm at the point now of making a decision about the future - hence me being here Just wanted to say this 'staying friends' thing is absolutely typical CP behaviour. Just as they find it impossible to stay in a relationship once they feel more pressure than they're happy with, they find it difficult to finally leave the relationship too. My partner (yes, he finally called me that after 15 months together-I nearly fell off my chair!) is friends with many of his many, many ex's. Tellingly, the one he doesn't have much contact with is the only one he was buying a house with and had tried for a family with-turned out she couldn't have children. And he had given up playing music while he was with her too! Obviously bared his emotions for that one! CP's HAVE to feel they're still chasing emotionally, you HAVE to keep them on the back foot and be independent, busy and happy without them. The minute they feel chased they can't help but panic. That's why when you start backing off they chase again. Not good candidates if you want a full and loving relationship So stay NC for as long as you need - maybe forever! - it's what NORMAL people need before they can be friends with their ex, NORMAL people let others into their hearts and it hurts to let them out
hearttopieces Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Similar situation here - was wondering about the same thing, why would they want to be friends? I just broke it off with my ex BF a few days ago with NC. I know a few days is not a big deal, as a lot of people here have been doing it for months and are still haunted by their exes, nevertheless it has been very difficult for me. Just like your ex, my ex has also asked me to stay friends with him. First I thought it was pretty lame, but as I kept asking him for NC, he kept saying that he cannot believe I actually want to delete him from my life like that. I told him I cannot stay friends with him just because it would make him feel better. Finally he promised me he will not contact me, and I promised him I will contact him when I am ready, and will try the friends thing with him. So based on my experience, I would say that in addition to what midkirby said (your ex wants to be friends because of guilt, or he wants to be fwbs), there is also the possibility that he respects you as a person and truly wants to be your friend. It might be the combination of the above as well. Also, the problem I have with "being friends" is that to me it suggests that they have never considered me more than that - a friend. You have been doing very well, just stay strong and don't give in to his little games again!
shadowofman Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 I'm glad I never got attached to any ladies like you. All my exes are good friends with me. Maybe I surround myself with more loving types.
honeybeez Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Hello ShadowofaMan Can only speak for myself but assure you I am not some heartless old bag with no feelings - quite the opposite - I had two long relationships and gave myself totally to each. The first was to a violent man and I was glad when he found someone else and when the second broke up I was heartbroken and devastated and was on my own for 10 yrs afterwards. Due to having children with both we had to get on and stayed friendly What I was saying is that when your heart has been broken it's very difficult to be friends straight away - time is needed to get over the hurt before you can set aside the love and dreams and life together that you've shared with your ex partner It seems to me that the more love you felt, the longer this recovery process takes and that couples who can 'stay friends' immediately were maybe only ever friends during their relationship
Author sunshine suki Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 It seems to me that the more love you felt, the longer this recovery process takes and that couples who can 'stay friends' immediately were maybe only ever friends during their relationship Exactly...
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