TinaniT Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 (edited) I posted not too long ago about the tough time I've had reconciling everything. It felt very easy to excuse certain things in my case because their marriage was dead (and this has been confirmed) and my husband was abusive, and I loved him so much... And I still love him so much and feel we are perfectly suited for each other, and am happy when I don't think about that specific thing and my wrong actions, and know there is no benefit to it now... But occasionally, I read something here and it really gets to me. Enough that I have considered not coming I read this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=278766 and I vomited. I felt so sick over everything. That poor man. Anyone else feel this way? It's so weird; I am still so happy and so in love, and know he is, but then sometimes it hits me so hard. My love is off on a Daddy and kids only fishing trip, so this is where I have to vent on it this time. (We decided it was best they get some of their own time together without me long ago, and me with my son, so no one ever feels robbed.) I guess I don't know sometimes if I come here anymore to beat myself up or to present an honest chronicle or support or what. But, guess I'm looking for camaraderie right now. (Edited to add: I appreciate support from anyone, of course, but I am really looking for other former or current other women who feel the same. I don't need a pat on the back because it is what it is; any attack, well, those are par for the course I won't say to give or not to give because it doesn't matter; but some one who has felt the same would be a huge help to me. I almost deleted this because it seemed too dramatic after already stating it once before, but maybe the clarification will help instead.) Edited May 22, 2011 by TinaniT clarification
crazycatlady Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I often have debates with my husband over the end justifies the means. If the outcome is good, does it excuse how you got there? I think this is where you are struggling. Your out come is good. Your marriage wasn't healthy, his was basically over, and the affair moved you both out of bad situations. The thing is, while it could have been handled better - both of you getting out before engaging in the relationship - it wasn't. And the fact that it wasn't cant be changed. And you need to come up with a way to deal with that knowledge. Your situation is different from others. But pain probably was caused by it at least a little. Considering counceling to deal with it. Or I would worry it would eat at you and that won't do your new relationship any good. Yes you are happy in your relationship, but are you happy in you? The fact that this is bothering you so to me shows you are very conflicted over your behavior. But you are also not responsible for anyone else's relationships but your own. You can't compare your relationship to the guy's from the linked thread. You aren't his wife. And remember....you are also only getting his side of the story too. And I'm repeating myself so....I know a bs isn't who you wanted to hear from. But I think you are taking more on to yourself then you should....and it could become a dangerous habit if you keep doing it. You don't gloat at your success, you are honest at the difficulties...
26pointblue Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Hi Tinani. I just wanted to say I'm glad you are still here because you helped me so much. Maybe you come here to help yourself, to help others, & maybe it's also a bit of staying stuck in the past or a way of punishing yourself or something, idk. Maybe it's a bit of all of those reasons but you have helped me. I am not in your situation but I do have a lot of guilt about the hurt I helped cause to xMM's family. I'm alone in my boat though & I deal with those feelings & a lot of others, including loss & grief & pain of my own, on my own. So in some ways it must be nice to have him there to help you deal with that & to have a partner. In other ways I can see how it would be a reminder of the bad times & the hurt you helped inflict. I think there has got to be a way to get past it, for both of us. No one should wallow in the past too much. We did what we did & can't go back; all we can do is keep moving forward. I am not an xOW who has only hatred or bad feelings for my xMM. Yes I do have some of those & at times I abhor him [& myself at that time] but at other times I have very happy memories with him & the feeling that I never loved someone so much [& the hope I will love someone like that again who I can be with freely]. So I try to take the good with the bad. Maybe it's a matter of getting far enough along where I can say, I regret it completely [which feels like I would be regretting him completely, which at this point at least I really can't say I do], or I wish I had never met him etc., but I have not reached that point. I can't say that I wouldn't do it all over again knowing what I know -- I know I will never put myself in that situation again or be involved in an affair again, but to go back & erase being with him, no, I would not want to do that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is good even among the bad memories & I am grateful for what I had with xMM even though it was painful & I didn't end up with him & I have a lot of hurt & guilt etc. So hopefully you can feel the same way except that you are married, you are still in love with yours & he with you, so, that has to count, right? I mean, it has to make it worth it even though there was a lot of pain all around. I hope so anyway? I hope I've helped & I wish you the best. I think maybe this is just a process of realizing everything & forgiving yourself & him. Best wishes.
fooled once Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I posted not too long ago about the tough time I've had reconciling everything. It felt very easy to excuse certain things in my case because their marriage was dead (and this has been confirmed) and my husband was abusive, and I loved him so much... And I still love him so much and feel we are perfectly suited for each other, and am happy when I don't think about that specific thing and my wrong actions, and know there is no benefit to it now... But occasionally, I read something here and it really gets to me. Enough that I have considered not coming I read this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=278766 and I vomited. I felt so sick over everything. That poor man. Anyone else feel this way? It's so weird; I am still so happy and so in love, and know he is, but then sometimes it hits me so hard. My love is off on a Daddy and kids only fishing trip, so this is where I have to vent on it this time. (We decided it was best they get some of their own time together without me long ago, and me with my son, so no one ever feels robbed.) I guess I don't know sometimes if I come here anymore to beat myself up or to present an honest chronicle or support or what. But, guess I'm looking for camaraderie right now. (Edited to add: I appreciate support from anyone, of course, but I am really looking for other former or current other women who feel the same. I don't need a pat on the back because it is what it is; any attack, well, those are par for the course I won't say to give or not to give because it doesn't matter; but some one who has felt the same would be a huge help to me. I almost deleted this because it seemed too dramatic after already stating it once before, but maybe the clarification will help instead.) That post was heartbreaking. I truly think because you feel the way you do after you read that post that you are .... not sure what the right word is here .... more respectable, responsible, honorable than many women who got involved with a married man. It doesn't matter what the state of his previous marriage was - the fact that he was married should have been enough for both of you to NOT engage in an affair. I don't think you saying you KNOW his marriage wasn't good - because others confirmed it - doesn't absolve what you/he did. I think reading the post you liked was you finally taking ownership of your actions. I don't mean that snarky. I am saying that you aren't cocky and all "I know they had a bad marriage and so it was good that we cheated because now everyone is happy" :rolleyes:You have made the decision to examine HOW you became to be with him and you are sorta admitting what you and he engaged in was really crappy behavior. But, it is the past. All you can do is look towards the future. I think by reading that posters thread, it has made you more compassionate to the role you played in the ending of marriages (yours and his). I think it gave you pause and made you think about your actions. And that is never a bad thing. So please do not think I am being mean or whatever, I am saying the fact that you have thought about your past actions and are not all proud of yourself for 'getting the guy' shows the empathy and compassion you do possess. And those are great qualities to model for your kids and his kids. Go forward into the future and be the best mom, wife and stepmom you can be. Good luck.
Anna101 Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Hi, I am in a happy r/ship with the man I was in an affair with, so I understand your guilt to a degree. For me, I occasionally feel 'why has everything worked out for me when I've done the wrong thing'! Not that it was easy or anything, but all in all I have gotten 'off' very lightly. I have been warmly accepted by his family and his kids. And you know why? Their reason is that HE seems happier, and they can see I love him. And while that's true, it is sad that a wife of almost 20 years can be replaced so easily. Blood is truly thicker than water, good or not. I don't quite know how to reconcile it either, but I suspect it's a common kind of feeling. The truth is I do love him very very much and I sometimes wonder how when I have seen him at his worst, I have seen him lie, and be selfish and weak. You can't go through an affair and come out the other side being together, without acknowledging what you have seen of the other person. The truth is, my actions hurt me, him, his kids, his wife, his family, their friends, and probably later on, my son. But I got what I wanted, why?
Emme Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I know sometimes I have issues with coming here. You question yourself as to when will your graduation day will come. Will you return for support or to help someone else out. You get depressed in the process of reading some stories. It is heartbreaking to see the pain on both ends. No matter if you are in the bliss stage of your romance. You can't use one scenario for all other relationships. All relationships have different foundations and some are floating on water. You and your partner have come through some rough times and have found each other. The way it happened you might feel responsible but that was your path. Not every thing happens by the books. The heart is a powerful machine and the mind can try it's hardest to control it... but in the end the heart wants what it wants. To fall in love with someone and to lose yourself can't always be controlled. We are not robots with coding. Guilt is an emotion and so is love. As long as you know you are sorry for how the relationship came to be then you can move on. Pray on it and let it go. Enjoy what you have been blessed to have. Someone who loves you and cares for you. That's all I can really say.
bentnotbroken Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I know sometimes I have issues with coming here. You question yourself as to when will your graduation day will come. Will you return for support or to help someone else out. You get depressed in the process of reading some stories. It is heartbreaking to see the pain on both ends. No matter if you are in the bliss stage of your romance. You can't use one scenario for all other relationships. All relationships have different foundations and some are floating on water. You and your partner have come through some rough times and have found each other. The way it happened you might feel responsible but that was your path. Not every thing happens by the books. The heart is a powerful machine and the mind can try it's hardest to control it... but in the end the heart wants what it wants. To fall in love with someone and to lose yourself can't always be controlled. We are not robots with coding. Guilt is an emotion and so is love. As long as you know you are sorry for how the relationship came to be then you can move on. Pray on it and let it go. Enjoy what you have been blessed to have. Someone who loves you and cares for you. That's all I can really say. Bull Sorry OP. Leaving now.
Emme Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Bull Sorry OP. Leaving now. You are entitled to your opinion and so am I. Many people have made choices with there hearts when common sense should have taken over. It doesn't happen all the time. It's sad... But it's true.
twinsmom Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Bull Sorry OP. Leaving now. Good! You don't want to even hear what the "OW" has to say. Your anger and disgust is so palpable that every post you makes drips of venom. You're not here to help. You can delude yourself that you are, but you are just here to stick the knife in. It's really sickening. But I can see your next post: "I don't care what you say; I'm going to post what I feel", or whatever. Blah blah blah..I worship the same God as you, and I don't think He would take pleasure in your obvious "glee" in your repeated comments to others. And believe me, My God loves me as much as yours loves you, so there's no contest there.
bentnotbroken Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Good! You don't want to even hear what the "OW" has to say. Your anger and disgust is so palpable that every post you makes drips of venom. You're not here to help. You can delude yourself that you are, but you are just here to stick the knife in. It's really sickening. But I can see your next post: "I don't care what you say; I'm going to post what I feel", or whatever. Blah blah blah..I worship the same God as you, and I don't think He would take pleasure in your obvious "glee" in your repeated comments to others. And believe me, My God loves me as much as yours loves you, so there's no contest there. When did I say anything to you about how God feels about you? Do you really think that I give a fat rat's azz what you or anyone else feels about me.. I have no glee in seeing anybody in pain and I haven't posted as such. I was speaking to one person, the post I quoted. You are dismissed. AGAIN OP I apologize for the TJ.
bentnotbroken Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 You are dismissed.. Then I expect to hear no more whining about how I post or who I post to unless it is directed at you. And I will stay dismissed.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Originally Posted by Emme The way it happened you might feel responsible but that was your path. yes, we are all responsible for the way we participate in any situation. own it. it's yours! Not every thing happens by the books. The heart is a powerful machine and the mind can try it's hardest to control it... but in the end the heart wants what it wants. nah, the heart is an organ. the brain is what we are supposed to be using. the statement you made is normally made by a person who doesn't have a conscience. ANYONE can control their actions! we all have choices- the choices show us what character the person has... or lack of.
Emme Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 nah, the heart is an organ. the brain is what we are supposed to be using. That's why people find themselves in trouble. They don't acknowledge the heart for what it is. It encapsulates emotion. Often times when affairs start it's with the mind and the ability to think it's something that can be switched on and off because it's only a mental capacity. Then love slowly creeps up and people have a tendency to feel it's a neurological function lets turn it off. They make attempts, but nothing happens. The mind controls the body, yes it does. It doesn't control that longing, the need for love... that feeling of fluttering and the despair of your heart sinking, it's emotional. the statement you made is normally made by a person who doesn't have a conscience. Most people know right from wrong. Others have defined their life with there own vocabulary. I'm not going to use something trivial to explain how peoples conscience help them make wrong decisions every day and it's dismissed because it's menial. People do it. That same mentality is used in affairs. That end result of instant gratification of what ever might be missing out of that persons life. You want and/or need that gratification. No matter the cost. ANYONE can control their actions! we all have choices- the choices show us what character the person has... or lack of. Not everyone. Some choose to find whatever thrill or happiness that they can. Some are sex addicts and some are simply lonely. The choice they make is to seek whatever it is they are missing or need. They refuse to face the issues that they have in their personal life.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Emme;3413717]That's why people find themselves in trouble. They don't acknowledge the heart for what it is. It encapsulates emotion. Often times when affairs start it's with the mind and the ability to think it's something that can be switched on and off because it's only a mental capacity. Then love slowly creeps up and people have a tendency to feel it's a neurological function lets turn it off. They make attempts, but nothing happens. The mind controls the body, yes it does. It doesn't control that longing, the need for love... that feeling of fluttering and the despair of your heart sinking, it's emotional. these are just empty words used to justify bad behavior. everyone has choices. IF they choose the bad behavior - they OWN THAT bad behavior. what we DO - represents the person we are. simple. i can SAY anything with words - but what i actually DO tells everything about me. Most people know right from wrong. Others have defined their life with there own vocabulary. I'm not going to use something trivial to explain how peoples conscience help them make wrong decisions every day and it's dismissed because it's menial. People do it. That same mentality is used in affairs. That end result of instant gratification of what ever might be missing out of that persons life. You want and/or need that gratification. No matter the cost. this is often referred to as selfish, self serving behavior. yep, behavior. no words - just actions... what does a person's actions tell you about them - that is all that matters. what they DO or DO not DO. that is all. Not everyone. Some choose to find whatever thrill or happiness that they can. Some are sex addicts and some are simply lonely. The choice they make is to seek whatever it is they are missing or need. They refuse to face the issues that they have in their personal life. some, yes. you are CHOOSING to defend a side that shows no conscience, why? everyone has CHOICES - the choices they make tells everything anyone may need to know. a sex addict may choose sex... yes, that tells us what the priority is. an affair? the person shows selfish motives over the people they claim to love. simple.
Emme Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 everyone has choices. IF they choose the bad behavior - they OWN THAT bad behavior. They don't own it. Reason being they've formulated it to make it a norm instead of something being right from wrong. You wish to assess a issue from a mental standpoint. You can't do that when someone is in the wrong state of mind. They are emotional thinkers. this is often referred to as selfish, self serving behavior. yep, behavior. no words - just actions... what does a person's actions tell you about them - that is all that matters. what they DO or DO not DO. that is all. I understand your view point. The issue is you are trying to plea a case out of individuals who are selfish. When you put your needs and wants before others that makes you selfish. The action is emotional, sexual, and/or physical. Nothing more. some, yes. you are CHOOSING to defend a side that shows no conscience, why? everyone has CHOICES - the choices they make tells everything anyone may need to know. a sex addict may choose sex... yes, that tells us what the priority is. an affair? the person shows selfish motives over the people they claim to love. simple. There is no such thing as sides. Since I've been here there have been many emotionally displayed anger. I'm not about anger or rage, it's a disgusting disease. I am here to absorb, listen, learn, help, even to be entertained. Each individual has a story to tell and as a listener or a fellow member I attempt to offer support in an area that is needed by a poster. I cannot sh*t on someone else's life because I've never walked a day in there shoes. My insight into affairs is input. It's my input. You can choose to accept it or reject it. You see defense because you have tunnel vision... It is input. Take away from it the thought process. Take from it what you will as to the reasoning why affairs take place.
woinlove Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I posted not too long ago about the tough time I've had reconciling everything. It felt very easy to excuse certain things in my case because their marriage was dead (and this has been confirmed) and my husband was abusive, and I loved him so much... And I still love him so much and feel we are perfectly suited for each other, and am happy when I don't think about that specific thing and my wrong actions, and know there is no benefit to it now... But occasionally, I read something here and it really gets to me. Enough that I have considered not coming I read this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=278766 and I vomited. I felt so sick over everything. That poor man. Anyone else feel this way? It's so weird; I am still so happy and so in love, and know he is, but then sometimes it hits me so hard. My love is off on a Daddy and kids only fishing trip, so this is where I have to vent on it this time. (We decided it was best they get some of their own time together without me long ago, and me with my son, so no one ever feels robbed.) I guess I don't know sometimes if I come here anymore to beat myself up or to present an honest chronicle or support or what. But, guess I'm looking for camaraderie right now. (Edited to add: I appreciate support from anyone, of course, but I am really looking for other former or current other women who feel the same. I don't need a pat on the back because it is what it is; any attack, well, those are par for the course I won't say to give or not to give because it doesn't matter; but some one who has felt the same would be a huge help to me. I almost deleted this because it seemed too dramatic after already stating it once before, but maybe the clarification will help instead.) This is an interesting and moving post. There is always a balance between not thinking of something that brings negative emotions and examining that same thing in the hope of further understanding, growth, or resolve. If a stranger's story on LS stirs up strong negative emotions, maybe there is still too much there to avoid thinking of it altogether and it may be more useful to use LS in this way than to have triggers in your real life bring up such emotions. It is not good to beat yourself up, but feeling bad about hurting others in the past, even when your own life is going so well and is filled with love, shows you have a lot of compassion and empathy for others. Just make sure you show as much compassion and empathy for yourself.
greengoddess Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 You are entitled to your opinion and so am I. Many people have made choices with there hearts when common sense should have taken over. It doesn't happen all the time. It's sad... But it's true. This is where I totally disagree and where strong boundaries come into play. You should have never LET your heart feel that. Knowing he was married you should have steered clear of him. That's what people with good boundaries do. You do not fall in love in an instant. You have to allow yourself to fall in love and you should have never gone ther. Good thread TinaniT. Should make for some good conversation.
Silly_Girl Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 TinaniT, do you think it becomes more of a burden - the contrast is more stark - the happier you are and the more successful your new relationship becomes? Or do you think it's more of a time passing/history settling kind of thing?
greengoddess Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 ...or is the fear of karma biting you in the butt? I think fear has to creep in. Not even fear so much of karma but fear of do I really know this guy? He's a cheater. Could he be sneaking around on me even though I know he loves me. Cheaters often love their wives thye just need more excitement.
greengoddess Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 or the fear of discovering that the "cheater" is the real him.
jsb58 Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I think fear has to creep in. Not even fear so much of karma but fear of do I really know this guy? He's a cheater. Could he be sneaking around on me even though I know he loves me. Cheaters often love their wives thye just need more excitement. I sometimes wonder how when I have seen him at his worst, I have seen him lie, and be selfish and weak. You can't go through an affair and come out the other side being together, without acknowledging what you have seen of the other person. Looks like it.
Silly_Girl Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I think fear has to creep in. Not even fear so much of karma but fear of do I really know this guy? He's a cheater. Could he be sneaking around on me even though I know he loves me. Cheaters often love their wives thye just need more excitement. Is this what happened to you, gg?
jj33 Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I posted not too long ago about the tough time I've had reconciling everything. It felt very easy to excuse certain things in my case because their marriage was dead (and this has been confirmed) and my husband was abusive, and I loved him so much... And I still love him so much and feel we are perfectly suited for each other, and am happy when I don't think about that specific thing and my wrong actions, and know there is no benefit to it now... But occasionally, I read something here and it really gets to me. Enough that I have considered not coming I read this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=278766 and I vomited. I felt so sick over everything. That poor man. Anyone else feel this way? It's so weird; I am still so happy and so in love, and know he is, but then sometimes it hits me so hard. My love is off on a Daddy and kids only fishing trip, so this is where I have to vent on it this time. (We decided it was best they get some of their own time together without me long ago, and me with my son, so no one ever feels robbed.) I guess I don't know sometimes if I come here anymore to beat myself up or to present an honest chronicle or support or what. But, guess I'm looking for camaraderie right now. (Edited to add: I appreciate support from anyone, of course, but I am really looking for other former or current other women who feel the same. I don't need a pat on the back because it is what it is; any attack, well, those are par for the course I won't say to give or not to give because it doesn't matter; but some one who has felt the same would be a huge help to me. I almost deleted this because it seemed too dramatic after already stating it once before, but maybe the clarification will help instead.) Tina I think it goes with the territory. And you are big enough to own it. You have come to see your husband's ex as a whole person and you would be an ogre if there wasnt some feeling attached to that IMHO. Would it have been better if you had met him after he had left her? Of course it would but that ship has sailed. Its too late for that. You met the way you met and you are happy together now. I wish I had some good advice for you. I guess the best thing you can do is to be as kind and compassionate now as possible because struggling with an emotional illness is so difficult and can be so very isolating even in the best of circumstances. And to cut her slack. Alot of slack. I hope this doesnt come out the wrong way but maybe that is your "burden" so to speak. You can never undo whatever hurt the affair may have caused her, but you can be compassionate and kind above and beyond the kindness you might show her if the circumstances had been different. There is no way to rewrite history. Take good care
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