HC09 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Sorry this is long and I'll try to be as clear as possible. I was in a LDR with another girl, my best friend, for about eight years. We always got along famously (when I visited and over the distance), never fought, had really good chemistry. We knew with certainty that we were in love with each other, and we had all these future plans in place. We were actually getting ready to move in together quite soon (less than a year). However, for the past month or so, we had been having some trouble because I was getting concerned over a close friendship she was developing with another girl (who is also gay...and kind of single). That's not to say that my girlfriend couldn't have other gay friends, but I grew uncomfortable because a.) I didn't trust this other person and b.) they were spending a lot of time together (most days in the week for hours. not always alone, but some or most times). When I asked about it, she would tell me "we're just friends. I swear you have nothing to be insecure about. you asking about it impinges on my independence." Again, I'm really not the controlling type, but I was concerned. I'm trying to think of another person she has spent this much time with, but not since college or with roommates. So last Friday I went to go visit. On Sunday, we had an awesome discussion about what's been going on the past month, and turns out it was really more about her being honest about when she's seeing this person rather than the actual friendship. I did actually catch her being like...less than honest about when and how much they were meeting up, and I don't know if it's because something was going on or if it's because she knew this person makes me uncomfortable. Either way, she knew I saw this person as a threat, yet continued to hide it for the past month. Anyway, so we had the awesome discussion on Sunday, where I felt we got to the bottom of the issue, we talked about things we needed to work on (trust being one of them), and she told me she's in love with me and that we're stronger now. Literally the next day, she does a complete 180, acts like she doesn't even know me, won't touch me, etc. Then the following day (Tuesday), she tells me she feels that we've become just best friends. Of course, I was upset, angry, and ended my visit early (I was going to stay for the week). I tried to break up with her, but she was very upset and accused me of "giving up" and that all she's asking for is time. She's avoided talking to me (I haven't bothered her, but I did express a desire to have a conversation about this), but did send me an email that basically stated: - we need to grow individually because she feels we never did - she's terrified that I will completely cut her off (she said I've been her lifeline for the past 10 years) - we have to work on our own issues independently (e.g. trust, maturity, self esteem - we're both 24 by the way) - she "believes she ultimately wants to be with me," but is not asking me to wait for her because it's not fair and neither of us can predict the future. she also said she "has no intention of seeing other people right now." - she said she knows she's in love with me, and that she could never love anyone as she loves me - she closed the email with wanting to take the opportunity now for us to grow individually (before we move in together, etc.) with the hopes of coming back together I'm trying so hard not to believe her. I keep going back and forth on what to think (Is this about the other girl? Or did I really bother her too much with the trust thing?). I can't help but think that if this other person wasn't there, that this wouldn't be happening. However, she is the kind of person that is painfully logical, and has always kept friendships where they should be, at least up until this point as far as I know. I also know that we were really young when we got together, and it's true that we've grown up together, and I know that time and distance change people. I haven't completely closed off communication to her, and the only reason is the stupid hope I have that things can work out. I just don't want to be some kind of back up for her if this really is about the other person... Anyway, I guess my main questions are: #1: Was her friendship with this person acceptable? (I likened it to a girl with a boyfriend having another close guy friend) #2: What's really going on here? I know it's hard to say when you're on the outside, but any advice or insights would be wonderful. I guess I'm so devastated and messed up that I can't quite think clearly on my own just yet. Again, sorry this was so long haha.. Thanks.
skibum Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Im sorry to hear what you are going through, it is similar to my story but seems a bit more uncertain. Im also 24, dated a girl for 5.5 years, we never argued and have been doing LDR the entire time, we are both level headed and havent had any dramatic relationship issues, talked about getting married once we are a little older and enjoyed the ability to grow together. Out of the blue she had this other friend (guy in my case) who she hung out with more then did a overnight 180 and asked for space because she "couldnt do the distance anymore". She was also terrified about losing em as a friend since we have known each other for 8 years. In your case I am not sure how a lesbian girl could have an effect on your relationship mainly because I dont see how your gf could be a lez since she has been with you for so long and I dont see lesbians as a threat. Heck my gf was drunk one night and a lesbian girl kissed her and she was soooo sad and sorry to me about it but I wasnt really jealous about it since I knew my gf wasnt interested. It is hard to do NC with such a close friendship and the possibility of getting back together and I dont know whether to advise it or not. I would do NC for a while if after a few weeks things arent getting better just so she would realize what life without you is like. It is painfully difficult but I dont see any other options. Im sorry for my lack of advise since I dont know what to do in my situation either and I am heartbroken as well but at least I want to offer my support for you I know how hard it is.
Author HC09 Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Thank you for your advice. Haha, and I guess I didn't make it too clear, but I'm also a girl lol I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, too, but I really have no idea what to do...
skibum Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Thank you for your advice. Haha, and I guess I didn't make it too clear, but I'm also a girl lol I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, too, but I really have no idea what to do... Oops sorry that was pretty dumb of me to make that assumption. But that fact does change things I feel. I realize that there is a line to try and not cross with jealousy, but hanging out with someone who could be a threat that much and then lying about how often it happened is pretty suspicious. In the end I guess all you can do is be honest with them, let them know that you deserve their 100% honesty because I think youve earned it after so many faithful years together, and try and accept the responses and not push to hard since that only pushes them further away
Recommended Posts