Time Out

[midkirby]

I have been dating someone for 7 months. Things have seemed a little different for the past month, but feel that the "honeymoon stage" is over, and the relationship was just becoming more comfortable. The history of my boyfriend is that he was married for almost two decades and his wife wanted a divorce. He has been divorced for one year and separated for two years. We are both in our 40's.

 

We have totally different careers as I am in public safety and he, accounting. I was very upfront with him in the beginning of the relationship, stating that I work in a male dominated field and he would have to have no problem with that. It seems that is not the case.

 

We unfortunately live an hour away from each other. I have cats, which he is greatly allergic to, so I had to drive to his house every weekend, in order to spend time together. We had every weekend together, with the exception of one, due to him being on vacation, early in our relationship. I would stay at his house every weekend, whether or not he had his 9 year old over at his house, or not. If he did, I would just sleep in another room.

 

Things were going great, or so it seemed. We certainly fell in love and we both admit that we still greatly love each other. A couple weeks ago, I was going to go out with a group from work, but ended up not going, due to a headache. (I have never gone out with them since starting my relationship). It was more of a business meeting, as it is a union, and many things were being discussed, relevant to my job. The very night following, he went out with his friend and got drunk. (He hadn't done that before either). He wouldn't return my phone calls or texts. I want to make it known that I am not insecure and have always encouraged him to go out with friends, as long as he doesn't cheat on me. I even said a little flirting is fine, in order to boost his ego, which everyone needs once in a while. Well, that started everything in a downward spiral since then. We decided to get together two days after, to discuss our relationship. When I arrived at his house, he was drinking and we actually didn't do much discussing of anything. We brought up a few things, such as the fact that he is scared that I will leave him. That we live far away from each other and I will end up resenting him for me having to travel all of the time. He kept making references to an old relationship that I had, where I was fed up after a year of dating, and wanted to break up, because the old boyfriend wouldn't respect my need to take care of my family responsibilies (being that I am a single mother of a 12 year old and 19 year old). Anyway, I thought we had things worked out, and spent the week on the phone as usual, one conversation a day, at night, for approx. 30 minutes. Nothing unusual. All of the sudden, the next weekend, he decides to go to his friends house and cancel me coming down about two hours prior to me having to leave for his house. I was amazed and shocked. Needless to say, I didn't answer his texts for a few days. He was trying everything to let me know that he needed to take the time to spend with his daughter and time thinking. He finally admitted that he didn't read my texts, because he was scared to. (Really, I have never once raised my voice to him, or belittled him, or called him any names). He sent me texts during the week, stating that he was sorry for texting, but missed me and that he was not cheating on me, because he would never hurt me (I don't believe he would do that either, by the way). After a couple text messages back and forth about five days later, I decided to call him. He stated that he had a lot of things to think about regarding our relationship. He then again questioned my past relationship with old boyfriend and even asked if we were once engaged. I really don't understand why he would ask. He wouldn't make a decision on a time out in regards to our relationship, so I just sent him text stating that it was a good idea and he needed time to think. He stated that he was confused and not sure what he wanted. He also says that he hasn't had a relationship like this for many years. (I am the first serious relationship after this separation, but not his first dating partner). We both agreed that we wouldn't see anyone else during this time. He said, without a doubt, that he loves me.

 

Sorry to run on, but a little background and both of us. I am not bad looking for my age, but certainly not model material. I dress nice, when we go out and always try to look my best. I have a lot of confidence, but not overly confident. I own my own house, car, and am very independant. I am a paramedic and work with firefighters, which is very rewarding. I have many goals in life and am currently back to school. I feel like I have my "stuff" together. The only thing that I am lacking, is a partner.

 

He has a bruised ego. When we were together, he would always comment on being fat, being stupid, etc. I have mentioned to him that he has low self esteem and he needs to work on it. He doesn't comment when I tell him these things, so I don't know if he believes me.

 

When he agreed to our "time out", he stated that he would spend time thinking and wanted me to think. I told him, what would I need to think about, because this is all about him. I know what I want, and it is him.

 

Finally, my question is, what is going on in his head. I know, for a fact, that we both love each other. I have never had a relationship where someone wanted a "time out". I know he is a sensitive guy, but I have told him that I would never hurt him. Somehow, I don't think he believes me. We have only talked once in a week, and only corresponded through texting approx. 10 times during that time period. I have not initiated anything, to give him space. Another question is....how long should I wait for him to make a decision. I have no idea.

 

Thanks for your time and I am sorry this is so long. I am sure I will add more, when someone comments. Please?