so-wrong Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I was really proud that I'd managed with great difficulty to hit 8 weeks NC but this has now been broken by an email from MM, that I received on Wednesday & I'm struggling to decide how to respond. He wants to speak to me & I do owe him an answer to the question he's asked (for various reasons I can't say what it is), but am already feeling vulnerable at how I will feel at hearing his voice after this length of time. It has been suggested that I should email my reply & I am considering this but feel as though it may help me to speak to him, I just don't know. I feel as though if I waste the chance to speak with him, I could regret it later. I'm as sure as I can be that he's not fishing as he has even copied the email to his W. I need to make a decision soon as it feels wrong to keep him hanging on too long. (Though I may be being too soft on him!). I haven't even worked out what I'd say to him, guess that partly depends on what he says to me.
Gentlegirl Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I don't think we as OW owe the MM ANYTHING. Once you break that silence, there will be a followup and more and more. YOu will be hooked in again. Yes you are being too soft on him....he deserves NOTHING from you . That' probably what you ended up with. Cheers, Gentlegirl. 1
Amour7 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I don't think we as OW owe the MM ANYTHING. Once you break that silence, there will be a followup and more and more. YOu will be hooked in again. Yes you are being too soft on him....he deserves NOTHING from you . That' probably what you ended up with. Cheers, Gentlegirl. Great post. This really resonates with me right now. I agree- he deserves nothing from you. If you have guilt regarding the BS and can share something with her that would be helpful for her and not derail your NC efforts, then perhaps that would be the route to take.
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I was really proud that I'd managed with great difficulty to hit 8 weeks NC but this has now been broken by an email from MM, that I received on Wednesday & I'm struggling to decide how to respond. My suggestion is ignore it. Delete it and forget about it. And then, put him on block or delete your email address, create a new one so you won't be tempted to read anything he sends you. Continue to be proud by not responding! You say it's been with great difficulty doing this so why give in because HE wants you to reply to him. Please put yourself first. Especially after 8 weeks! He hasn't thought of how YOU would feel hearing from him..And it doesn't matter that he CC'd his wife on this matter. You owe him nothing and he owes you nothing. The A is over, NC is in place. Keep it that way. He wants to speak to me & I do owe him an answer to the question he's asked (for various reasons I can't say what it is), but am already feeling vulnerable at how I will feel at hearing his voice after this length of time. It has been suggested that I should email my reply & I am considering this but feel as though it may help me to speak to him, I just don't know. I feel as though if I waste the chance to speak with him, I could regret it later. Why after 8 weeks is he contacting you? I know you can't answer "why" in detail, but is it THAT crucial that you reply? You're feeling vunerable, so the timing is NOT right for you to deal with him in any matter. Put yourself FIRST. Don't worry about if it messes him up that you haven't responded. For all he knows you have him on block already and haven't received the email from him...Think about this!! I'm as sure as I can be that he's not fishing as he has even copied the email to his W. I need to make a decision soon as it feels wrong to keep him hanging on too long. (Though I may be being too soft on him!). I haven't even worked out what I'd say to him, guess that partly depends on what he says to me. Whatever his intent is, opening that door after 8 weeks is BIG MISTAKE! Yes, you're being too soft on him. Again, after so long, ask yourself WHY it's important that he contacted you NOW. Is he looking for closure? Fishing? Only he knows and honestly, who cares! Shut the door and keep it shut.
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Great post. This really resonates with me right now. I agree- he deserves nothing from you. If you have guilt regarding the BS and can share something with her that would be helpful for her and not derail your NC efforts, then perhaps that would be the route to take. I guess you could only reply to her only and not him. IF you do that, make it CLEAR as day that you want NOTHING to do with him and do NOT want to hear from him again.
fooled once Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Unless yur the only person in the universe that can answer his questions and the absence of answers will force an apocalypse, stay NC. If you answer, extend the courtesy and CC his W your reply as well. I agree. It sounds like you really are using this as an excuse to break NC. Decision is yours; but think it through to make sure you realize that contacting him for any reason is opening the door to resume the affair.
LakesideDream Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 WWiU, a voice of reason and experiance. Wise advice.:bunny:
Emme Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I'm as sure as I can be that he's not fishing as he has even copied the email to his W. SO! You think because he did this there is nothing to fear. He possibly has her password and will delete it before she sees it. FEAR starting over again. The pain, the heartache...The tears and sadness. You don't need to explain any to him. He is with his wife... not you. You owe him nothing.
Author so-wrong Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 I really wish he hadn't got back in touch - this is torture. I would absolutely love to talk with him again but I am so afraid of making the wrong move. I have been messed up totally by this unexpected development. At the moment I am back to square one, where I'm fighting every day to resist the temptation to contact him & now knowing it's what he wants is making this REALLY tough to ignore. This is a struggle & I know I could easily cave in & end up in agony (again).
Frank13 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I really wish he hadn't got back in touch - this is torture. I would absolutely love to talk with him again but I am so afraid of making the wrong move. I have been messed up totally by this unexpected development. At the moment I am back to square one, where I'm fighting every day to resist the temptation to contact him & now knowing it's what he wants is making this REALLY tough to ignore. This is a struggle & I know I could easily cave in & end up in agony (again). That's why nc is so hard. We all know it is for the best. Those of us who have broken it and been put back to square one know the agaony, yet we still have such a strong desire to contact.
Author so-wrong Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 If I'm being totally open & honest, I think part of me does want him back. There is also part of me that hopes that by talking to him I can somehow realise he isn't who I want to be with & move on. He really does have a genuine reason for contacting me & I will have to reply in some form. The sensible way is email for sure, but the temptation to speak will probably prove too strong. We used to joke that we only showed our good sides to each other. Well believe me I have seen the best & worst sides of this man & it hasn't repelled me. I really could do without having to do something now though. Possibly I could have coped in a few months time, but at the moment it has made me realise how weak I still am when it comes to him.
Author so-wrong Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 That's why nc is so hard. We all know it is for the best. Those of us who have broken it and been put back to square one know the agaony, yet we still have such a strong desire to contact. This is so true, I also feel cheated that I haven't broken NC but through him doing it, the impact on me is just the same. He was the one to initiate NC in the beginning, which I didn't accept at first but ended up reciprocating. It really did empower me & was probably the best thing I could have done at the time as I was feeling belittled & pathetic by contacting him & being ignored. I just wish I had thought of imposing NC first!
myname Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 This is so true, I also feel cheated that I haven't broken NC but through him doing it, the impact on me is just the same. He was the one to initiate NC in the beginning, which I didn't accept at first but ended up reciprocating. It really did empower me & was probably the best thing I could have done at the time as I was feeling belittled & pathetic by contacting him & being ignored. I just wish I had thought of imposing NC first! Hi, I know how hard it is too, I'm struggling in the very early days of it myself. I don't know what his question is that needs a response, but does it really need a response? Now is your chance to stay NC, if you can manage it you might start to feel better sooner. You say it empowered you and was the best thing you could have done and that you wish you'd thought of imposing it first. So now you can stick with it and while reading his contact has set you back you don't have to respond and be set back even further. I know all this is easier said than done, I've been round the block on it myself this weekend and not contacted him but had to realise that I wasn't doing NC properly at all, let us know how you get on.
Author so-wrong Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I have definitely been badly set back by what has happened. I'd got over the stage where I hoped that every text or call was from him & accepted that for now at least, we weren't going to be in touch. Now I jump everytime I get a message, anticipating that it may be him & partly dreading it but also partly wanting it to be him. You will have to trust me when I say there is only me that can answer his question & he really DOES deserve an answer so he can move forward. By not answering I am being cruel to him & much as he has acted like a spineless coward, it doesn't entitle me to screw him up further. However I'm actually scared to speak to him but feel somewhat compelled at the same time, if you know what I mean. I wish I didn't have this dilemma cos it's a nightmare.
BB07 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I have definitely been badly set back by what has happened. I'd got over the stage where I hoped that every text or call was from him & accepted that for now at least, we weren't going to be in touch. Now I jump everytime I get a message, anticipating that it may be him & partly dreading it but also partly wanting it to be him. You will have to trust me when I say there is only me that can answer his question & he really DOES deserve an answer so he can move forward. By not answering I am being cruel to him & much as he has acted like a spineless coward, it doesn't entitle me to screw him up further. However I'm actually scared to speak to him but feel somewhat compelled at the same time, if you know what I mean. I wish I didn't have this dilemma cos it's a nightmare. Why don't you tell him it's OVER, you are done and do not contact me again, then cut off all means for him to contact you. You can't have it both ways........you either truly go NC or not.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 You will have to trust me when I say there is only me that can answer his question & he really DOES deserve an answer so he can move forward. By not answering I am being cruel to him & much as he has acted like a spineless coward, it doesn't entitle me to screw him up further. However I'm actually scared to speak to him but feel somewhat compelled at the same time, if you know what I mean. I wish I didn't have this dilemma cos it's a nightmare. I think you are totally deluding yourself by trying to make us (and yourself) believe that you truly are the only one who can answer this big question of his. And why are you so dang concerned that if you don't answer that you're being 'cruel' to him? So far I see you write only about his feelings and your feelings --- what about the feelings of his WIFE? She's been the ultimate victim of cruelty, wouldn't you say? - only she didn't have any choice in the matter, things were done behind her back whereas you and MM made a conscious CHOICE to do what you did. With all due respect, I think the reason you claim you can't divulge what the big 'question' is here is because it's a load of crap and you're wanting readers here to give you permission to respond to him. What kind of man, in a situation like this, would copy his poor W on an email to his exOW? If you want to talk about cruel, now THAT is cruel. If you feel that you must provide HER with a response...............then respond ONLY to her............but as someone else advised, make it clear to her that you want nothing more to do with him in any way, shape or form and she can let him know that you DID respond, but to her. 1
Author so-wrong Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I think you are totally deluding yourself by trying to make us (and yourself) believe that you truly are the only one who can answer this big question of his. And why are you so dang concerned that if you don't answer that you're being 'cruel' to him? So far I see you write only about his feelings and your feelings --- what about the feelings of his WIFE? She's been the ultimate victim of cruelty, wouldn't you say? - only she didn't have any choice in the matter, things were done behind her back whereas you and MM made a conscious CHOICE to do what you did. With all due respect, I think the reason you claim you can't divulge what the big 'question' is here is because it's a load of crap and you're wanting readers here to give you permission to respond to him. What kind of man, in a situation like this, would copy his poor W on an email to his exOW? If you want to talk about cruel, now THAT is cruel. If you feel that you must provide HER with a response...............then respond ONLY to her............but as someone else advised, make it clear to her that you want nothing more to do with him in any way, shape or form and she can let him know that you DID respond, but to her. He's not copying her in to be cruel to his W, I'm pretty sure he's just trying to be open & honest.
Gentlegirl Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I can't imagine an exMM wanting to be open or honest. By definition they have been cheating and lying to the wife and probably to you too. . If you respond to him you will be letting the 8 weeks of NC go for nothing. The great pain and anxiety will begin all over again. Hope you stay strong, Gentlegirl
Author so-wrong Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I can't imagine an exMM wanting to be open or honest. By definition they have been cheating and lying to the wife and probably to you too. . If you respond to him you will be letting the 8 weeks of NC go for nothing. The great pain and anxiety will begin all over again. Hope you stay strong, Gentlegirl Yes, he has lied & cheated but that's not to say he can't change & be a better person. Surely everyone's entitled to a second chance & maybe he is trying to take his & involve his BW in all dealings with me? Why else would he copy her into the email to me when he could so easily have done it on the quiet?
greengoddess Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 It's his wife. She asked the question posing as him. She has all his passwords now.
Author so-wrong Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 It's his wife. She asked the question posing as him. She has all his passwords now. 1. Why would she then copy herself into the email from his account? 2. I'd know his style of writing a mile off. I've also seen her emails before. This was his email. 3. He's asked me to let him know when it's convenient to talk & then he'll ring me. Why would she do that?? So it's worth considering but definitely not the case here.
Owl Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Why don't you tell him it's OVER, you are done and do not contact me again, then cut off all means for him to contact you. You can't have it both ways........you either truly go NC or not. Quoted for emphasis...this is the only real thing that matters at this point. You can't control his side of the internet, but you can control yours. If you're going to go NC...go NC. Block him, remove him from your life, prevent him from being able to contact you in any fahion. Or don't bother trying to go NC. Anything less is doomed to a rinse and repeat failure situation.
Recommended Posts