I could use some sensible . Long Post...

[IronAngel]

Hello all, I'm new here and in need of some advice please.

 

First I am married but separated by 7000 miles. My wife chose to separate us on the 16th of January this year after a little tiff. OK, the arguments were occurring pretty frequently by the time of the separation. I came back from church to find all my clothes moved into our spare bedroom and her barricaded in our bedroom, (she used one of the dining room chairs on the door).

I thought she would come around and talk, but she flat avoided any conversation. Weeks went by with nary a word from her.

 

She moved from the USA back to the UK on the 3rd of March.

As she did manage to tell me she was leaving but did not have time to divorce me, I filed for divorce in February. She did contract a lawyer to draft up a property settlement agreement, splitting all assets 50-50. Arizona is a communal property state.

 

After she left on the 3rd, I felt anguished. I tried getting hold of her via email and after about a month she replied. At first she was adamant that there was no going back as I had filed for divorce. I told her I would have the divorce decree dismissed and sign her settlement agreement. These things I did, I am a man of my word

 

We have been talking via texting and emails with a smattering of phone conversations. She has bought and paid for a return ticket for me to visit her in July for 3 weeks. This is the time I can manage to take off from school.

 

So here is some background.

 

We have been married since 20th October 2009. We met in 2007. We both moved to Phoenix in May 2010 for me to attend school which started in August 2010. The problems really started after school began. I was focusing on school, she was feeling lonely for my lack of attention. Not that I completely ignored her as I didn't. She and I both agree that I lost sight of her as the most important thing in my life.

 

So, here we are a few months into the separation and I'm starting to have misgivings that we are doing the right thing. I am her forth husband, she my second wife with my first passing away from cancer in 2003 after 23 years of marriage. If anything I am loyal and have never cheated on either wife.

My current wife's last marriage was a domestic violent one, with her escaping from it by running away. We met on her rebound from that relationship. She suffers from Post Traumatic Stress, and has some serious trust issues concerning males in general. I have been gentle and caring for her since we met. I figured if I could show her that some men can be nice, that she would settle down and be happy with me. However, I now have misgivings about any reconciliation.

 

The misgivings I am having, is that I am being accused, passively, through innuendo, looking for younger women and ogling women in the tv shows I watch and also in general. It makes me slightly angry as I don't do these things. Also, this has been an on-going theme from her all through our relationship.

I am a student living on my USAF retirement income so money is tight. I do not go out and my means of entertainment is Netflix. I told her the shows I watch: Lost, Heroes, CSI, Dexter, Eureka, Bones, Spartacus, Law & Order and a few more. She says I only watch these shows because of the scantily clad young women... I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and work this out but mostly I want no more part of this suspicion and mistrust she displays towards me. It just down right hurts...

 

Sorry for the long post but I am desperate in solving this dilemma.

 

Thanks so much for considering this post.

 

Steve

[Downtown]

IronAngel, welcome to the LS forum. I am a Dexter fan too. I am so sorry to hear about your painful predicament. As you describe it, your W's strange behavior exhibits several red flags that remind me of my exW, who suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). One red flag is that she claims to be suffering from PTSD, which therapists sometimes confuse with BPD or deliberately use as a "diagnosis" because it is covered by insurance and BPD typically is not.

 

A second red flag is her claim that her last H was violent. Of course, he very well may have been violent. Do you know that for certain? I ask because BPDers, due to their conviction that they are always "a victim," usually describe most of their past partners as having been abusive, regardless of whether it is true.

 

A third red flag is her having four husbands, all of whom she has walked -- or run -- away from. BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits) are unable to sustain LTRs and thus tend to have many spouses or partners. A fourth red flag is her inability to trust, which is one of the hallmarks of having strong BPD traits. My BPD exW, for example, would get jealous if I looked at another woman for half a second instead of a quarter second. This unreasonable jealousy arises from a BPDer's strong fear of abandonment, which is carried from early childhood.

 

That said, these red flags fall well short of establishing that your W has most of the nine BPD traits at a strong level. Still, they are sufficiently troubling that I believe it may be worth your while to read a little more about these traits to see if they ring a bell. I therefore suggest that you read my overview of such traits in Inigo's thread. My three posts start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. Those posts describe a BPDer who is verbally abusive, as most BPDers are to their loved ones. However, you do not mention your W being verbally abusive. I therefore note that a substantial share of BPDers (perhaps 20%) are not verbally abusive. Instead, they are passive aggressive and use icy withdrawals and cold silence to punish their mates. This type, called the "quiet BPDers," are described in my posts in Katt's thread, starting at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. If that sounds familiar, I would be glad to try to answer any questions you have and to suggest good online resources.

 

Keep in mind that, because BPD traits are firmly entrenched by early childhood, you likely would have started seeing them after the six month honeymoon period ended. Hence, if you really did not see any such signs for a full two years, it is highly unlikely your W suffers from a strong pattern of these traits. Another trait you should be seeing -- if she actually is a BPDer -- is the repeated cycle of pushing you away and pulling you back, which is a sign of emotional instability. If that is missing, it is highly unlikely she has a strong pattern of BPD traits. Take care, IronAngel.