2 years since breakup and the feelings are back like it was yesterday. How? -->

[1224]

I've lurked here for 2 years but this is my first post. I can't take it any longer.

 

Ex and I met through mutual friends and spent nearly everyday together for 9 months. It was really fun and exciting up until the 4th month when feelings grew strong and she started pushing me to clear things up and let her know when I would introduce her to my parents and propose to her (she would keep saying "why wouldn't you marry me if you love me."). It felt really strange to answer these questions so early in a relationship but I went along as she seemed very angry/anxious to get answers and I had too many feelings for her. BTW, she was 23 and I 29. I met her family first and they were extremely hospitable and welcoming.....my family, on the other hand, is a bit cold by nature and this was devastating to her. She insisted that my family does not like her and that it is vital for a guy's family to be very welcoming. Till today, I find it difficult to understand why family was so important to her as I only care about the person I'm with.

 

We continued our relationship but she would have fits every few days and get sad that my family does not really pay her attention. She demanded that I take make effort and to bring our families together. She would say, "this is what I want in life." "I want what I want." This was difficult for me as my parents found it funny/strange that she pushed so hard after such a short time.

 

Her mother would call me and invite me to dinner or ask me for favors (fix this, fix that) and this also put a lot of pressure on me as I did not have time for so many things. "A relationship is a work in progress and has to always go forward so not to become stale," is what she would keep saying. Her mother divorced twice and is now on her third marriage so not sure if this type of fast paced/demanding thinking is sound.

 

All this pressure really took the life out of me. I was exhausted everyday but still really in love with this girl. I found every bit of her attractive and flawless and was flattered that she wants to marry me so bad....immature I know. However, the more she did this, the less willing I became as it was all too crazy and I needed time to focus and build my business...meanwhile she's in college, 22yrs old, wakes up at 10am and all she wanted is marriage. Another important fact, she would ask for jewelry around holidays, etc. as she insisted that this is what she likes and it is easier for me to know this up front...

 

She finally "dumped" me after 9 months. I was devastated like never before. I've had two 2.5yr long relationships and was able to recover only after 3-4 months of NC. But with this one, I was absolutely torn. I smoked weed every night for nearly 7 months to heal the pain but nothing....so I stopped. I started lurking around these forums then and learned about "NC" Tried to abide by it but she would break it every month to say that she misses me and I need to fix things with my family so we could be together and that I never took action.

 

Nothing extraordinary happened besides a few dates and lets get back together that never went through up until 7 months into breakup when we saw each other at a mutual friend's party. That night was devastating as she found a new boyfriend right in front of my eyes and stopped contacting me completely.....They broke up after 2 months of dating but every minute of it killed me. I started dating too but every date made me more sick. After their breakup, my feelings stabilized a bit. I ran into her one night at a restaurant while I was on a date. She was just with her girlfriend. We ignored each other that night but two weeks after she started calling and texting me again....she would do something so I remember her every week or two. I kept no contact and went about my business dating other girls but it still felt like none of them came close to her. The dates only made me want her more.

 

I finally gave in and answered her 3 months later (now over a year after the breakup). It was the day after my birthday and she kept texting me wanting to talk. She apologized for hurting me and said she still loves me. We dated for nearly 1.5 months again and even saw a Psychologist but the past kept coming through and things ended again. Went no contact for a few months until Halloween when I saw her at a random party. It was again love at first sight and we started kissing and hugging and telling each other how much we care My sister kept pulling me away and telling her to go away that night. This was really screwed up and disrespectful of her and I'm still pissed about it. We started going out again but she was too hurt because of my sister's action and it ended after 2 weeks.....and started again a few weeks later when she contacted me. We took a final trip out of town to mend things and the vibe was really off (now 1yr and 7 months after breakup). I thought that this was truly the end. She told me that she can't do anything to repair this and I agreed with everything. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

 

It has been 5 months since that trip. I thought about her every single day, I was busy at work and was able to suppress my emotions during this time. I got really screwed after not calling for her birthday last month and it made my feelings stronger and stronger until last Tuesday. I woke up and it felt like the first month of the breakup again. Instinct told me to go to her.....so I did that night. When I arrived, I saw her with a guy walking to her apartment. The guy looked like a complete looser to say the least and I felt that she is just using him for comfort. I approached her and said that we need to talk...she told me that its too late in the night and she's tired. I kept insisting and she kept denying. She then pointed to the guy in, what seemed to me, a sarcastic manner and said, "this is my boyfriend..." I told her that he definitely is not and the guy just stood there confused. We then agreed that I would call her the next day, but she has not returned any of my calls/text. I even asked a few times to "let me know if she wants to be left alone and I will fully respect it" and she does not respond to this either.

 

I have not been able to eat much the past few days and unsure how my feelings can come back all over again after so so long. I am really afraid that this feeling will have a grip on me forever and keep me from actually meeting anyone. I have thought about this girl every single day for the past two years (no exaggeration). She is not anything special at all and I know this, but when I see her its like seeing myself. I must have made her a sort of extension of myself. I am really at a loss now....it is really hurting that she does not respond back. I'm afraid that I've lost her forever and I can see that I am definitely not strong willed. Sorry for the rant and thank you for listening. Any advise is GREATLY appreciated and highly valuable.

Edited May 21, 2011 by 1224

[EgoJoe]

I have no good advice, but, keep the faith and don't give in to your ego, spite, or desire to hate.

 

You'll grow as a result.

[GreenPolicy]

She sounds like a borderline. Go NC and focus on healing.

[Glove_slap]

take her off that pedestal and move on, lots a different girls out here.

[1224]

She sounds like a borderline. Go NC and focus on healing.

 

Not sure what defines borderline but she's not like any other friend/girlfriend i've had before. She's very focused on what she wants in life with regard to kids/husband/family and uses boyfriend to help achieve this goal (her mother is the same way) with little regard for what the guy wants. She seems to think that women are entitled to making these decisions just because they're women.....She compromises very little compared to other friends/girlfriends I've had and is brutal/unforgiving when she feels hurt. But this personality only becomes obvious when you get to really know her. At first she comes off as a type of flamboyant humanitarian that cares about everyone and everything but later turned into a sort of insecure person that's always trying to prove to others how worthy she is through showing off boyfriend, money, expensive car, ring on her finger, being married.....not sure what to make of it.

 

I feel like NC is what messed it up for me. It did not resolve the issue just suppressed it especially since we both had feelings. If I could do it all over again, I would probably go full force and make contact with her 1-2 times a week wayyy in the beginning. No contact gave me FALSE HOPE that made it all drag on for years in this case. I think it only works if you truly believe that the person is not for you and just need time to detach from him/her. If you rightly/wrongly believe that the person is some how meant for you, going no contact only suppress emotions for it to come back and hunt you....correct me if I'm wrong.

[1224]

take her off that pedestal and move on, lots a different girls out here.

 

Very difficult to do....none of the girls have that energy she had......and I haven't met anyone for 3-4 months now. Just kept to myself.