i want to fix this before it's too late.

[emmadee91]

so here's some background before i jump in: we are in an LDR, which makes everything that much more difficult. i am 19, he is 22. we have broken up once before back in october, and got back together 3 months later after going to a gb packers game together. i think we both thought we had identified the reasons and issues that caused the breakup, and were trying to fix them.... or at least i was.

 

lately (meaning for about the past month or so) we have been arguing more often than not. our relationship is amazing when we're not fighting. we have the same sense of humor, we like the same things, he's a really great guy. there are a few different reasons that the arguments start, but the main reason at the core of all of them is that he doesn't express affection for me anymore. he's great at expressing it physically, which is awesome when i do actually get to go see him, which isn't very often. but we are in an LDR, so all we have is verbal expression. when we got back together, he was great at this, up til late march, when he just stopped for some reason. and i KNOW he loves me, but that's not the same as feeling it, which is very hard for him to understand. i need reassurance occasionally, especially when we are miles apart.

 

the arguments have been happening ever increasingly for the past 2 weeks, and they are all about the same thing: i have to remind him to show me affection. i have asked him time and time again to do this for me. every time, he agrees, something might change for a day or two, and then it's back to wondering what i did to make him dislike me so much. i know that he feels like i point out everything he's doing wrong every time he does it, and i understand that, cause lately that's pretty much what i've been doing. the ONLY reason i feel the need to keep doing this is because i have already had 3 serious talks with him about this, and absolutely nothing has changed. i don't mean to criticize him and i don't want him to feel personally attacked or like he does everything wrong, but how do i effect change without bringing it up?

 

when he actually did express affection for me verbally, we barely fought at all. when i feel loved, everything is great. all of our recent little problems stem from that one issue. if i felt loved, i wouldn't feel the need to remind him all the time that he needs to do this or show that or stop doing that. and when we end up arguing, i wouldn't freak out about him possibly leaving because i'd actually feel secure in the relationship again. i'm not saying my nagging is all his fault - it's not. but it would help if he would genuinely show me he loves me. i have NEVER wanted to be that kind of girlfriend. i absolutely hate that i have turned into this nagging mom-type gf. i hate what it does to me and i hate what it does to him.

 

now, let me say that a lot of these arguments turn into actual arguments because he gets upset or pissed off. in the past 2 weeks or so i have been trying especially hard to be very calm when talking about our issues, and to not make accusatory statements or attack him. i calmly explain to him how i feel. but i think he feels too attacked (despite my calm demeanor) to return the favor. he gets fed up and the conversation is cut off, which obviously doesn't help anything. he has never been great at expressing his feelings or communicating in that way, but he used to at least try and it made all the difference in the world.

 

last thursday, i had about had it. and i basically told him that i want to fix things with both of us, but there needs to be some compromise. it is his way or the highway most of the time. i ask for affection, and instead of compromising and showing me just a little maybe... once a week? i get none. at all. there just needs to be some compromise. and i asked if he could agree to this, and he said yes. which made me think that things were finally going to get better. but of course we were having the same exact conversation 3 days later.

 

i just want to see some effort made..... i know what i've done wrong and what i need to change and i love him to death so i'm perfectly willing to make an effort for him.

 

now, onto the whole space thing. thursday night we somehow (i honestly have no idea how it got this way) turned a normal conversation into this huge thing. i can't even call it an argument, because like... neither of us sounded angry, just emotionally exhausted and frustrated. he said something that i had previously told him makes me feel like he doesn't care about my feelings ("believe whatever you want. go ahead."), and i of course got upset, although i shouldn't have. and that sent him right into shut-off mode. he completely shuts down when he is feeling like things aren't going ok. he said that he feels like my reactions are always negative to everything he says and he can't win no matter what he says (not true at all, but i just let him talk at this point), and that he can never give me what i want and it's always the wrong choice. he said that we aren't ever on the same page, and we don't really click. (which is bs. we completely click in every other way, we just communicate completely differently.) and i said that we can't ever be on the same page if he doesn't let me know how he feels/what he's thinking. i am not psychic. i have only recently been able to identify what i'm doing wrong because i had to figure it out myself. he doesn't tell me, he just lets it fester until it comes out like this.

 

so he said he was tired of bickering, he feels emotionally drained, and all he hears is that he's always wrong and he doesn't need that all the time. and i tried to explain that i know he feels like i've always got something to point out but he's not always wrong at all. and then he said he needs some space for right now. so i said "okay, i'm really sorry. do you mean for a few days or a whole break from me entirely?" and he responded with "idk, i'm feeling pretty apathetic right now tbh. i just need some space." which HURT like a bitch. so i asked him if he seriously meant that he was apathetic about me or if he was saying it out of frustration, and he said "as of right now, yes. hence the i need space comments." and i just lost it. not on him, i still kept calm, but to myself i lost it. and i said that if he ever actually found it HARD to care for me, and felt like he was apathetic about me, he didn't really love me. love is not situational.

 

and he said "i love you but i guess i'm not in love with you." i'm not even really sure what that means at this point. and i just said that i'm sorry there's nothing i can do to change that. and he said that distance doesn't help... but i really don't think things would suddenly change if i showed up at his doorstep. and i said that i was trying to get him to reach this point last thursday, and asked him why he pretended to want to work things out if he really didn't. he responded that he thought there was a light at the end of all the arguments. and i don't understand that.... there would be a light if he agreed to fix things and then actually did, but it's like he thought one day i would just give up and roll over and not have my emotional needs met. and i just said there was still a light at the end for me until he told me he didn't care about me. and he said "just not as much as you expect me to." after that i tried to clarify, but he wouldn't respond, because once he's checked out, that's it. it's so hard trying to have a conversation about this kind of stuff because i can't make him respond and work with me. so he just said "i want space." again, and i asked him to clarify, and he said "like time apart." and i said that i knew that, but what i meant was are we still together or are we not? and he said "idk. it seems like no" and i apologized for everything and told him i still loved him and promised to give him some space, and that was the end of that.

 

yesterday i did text him, but only because i got a job that he was previously concerned for me about and i thought he still might like to know that i got it. he did respond and actually texted me (a few times twice in a row because i didn't bother to respond) off and on for about an hour. i didn't respond to the last text because it was "indeed" which means he doesn't have anything to say and since he needs space now, i wasn't going to start a new conversation.

 

so i guess i have a few questions at the end of this thread, not just one.

 

1. is he even coming back? i am not sure how to take that "idk it seems like no" statement, because neither of us has officially broken up with each other, and we are still in a relationship on facebook (lol i know but it counts, right?!). the fact that he texted me some yesterday seems like a good sign, but i'm still not sure. last time he asked for space, we broke up.

 

2. if he comes back, how can i get him to help me work on this relationship and help me fix things together without him feeling like i am nagging him?

 

3. how long do i wait and give him space before telling him that i know i screwed up and i still want to fix things? ....or do i not tell him at all until he contacts me about it?

 

sorry this is so long... if you read all that, i commend you.

[heartshaped]

I am not sure if he's coming back or not. He's tired of fighting with you and you nagging him about the same issue over and over. He doesn't want to do that with you and if you put yourself in the same position, you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was nagging you or fighting with you over the same issue either.

 

It sounds like you really do love this guy to death, but have you considered the possibility that it seems he has already accepted that the two of you are just incompatible in terms of communication and affection? Do you love, accept, and need him the way he is or are you constantly wanting him to change these issues?

 

In all relationships, there has to be a certain amount of compromise and a certain amount of flexibility, but when there are incompatibilities in major issues like communication and affection, they are rarely overcome.

 

The bottom line is you cannot accept him the way he is. You want him to be more verbally affectionate because even though you know he loves you, you need those reassurances. There is nothing wrong with that, but that isn't who he is and he is unwilling or unable to change for you.

 

So that leaves the two of you at an impasse. Either you can accept him or you need to move on and find someone more compatible in those areas or someone more willing or able to change.

[emmadee91]

i appreciate your reply and i understand what you're saying about him being the way he is and me trying to change him. but he was not ALWAYS exactly like this. if he was, i would already be used to the whole no affection thing and it would feel normal to me. he used to be very verbally affectionate and it stopped out of nowhere, leaving me wondering what i've done.

 

i don't ever want to change him fundamentally. i love him for who he is, i really do. but as you said, there should be some small amount of compromise, and that's all i want. i have never asked him to be some cheesy romantic guy, and i don't need flowers and extravagance or to be showered with compliments. i just want to be reassured every once in a while that we're still good and feelings haven't changed.

 

he used to do that all the time, just not now. and i got insecure because of it, which is my fault. nbjnbanflaksnf i loathe this entire situation

[heartshaped]

It stopped suddenly? I'm sorry I missed that part, I thought he was always more physically affectionate, but if he stopped being affectionate out of no where maybe his feelings for you changed or were changing?

[emmadee91]

he has always been more physically than verbally affectionate, but he still used to express verbal affection occasionally, which was definitely enough for me. it's just the fact that he stopped and that i don't feel reassured anymore that's the problem.

 

you might be right, but if so, he won't openly admit it. i've thought the same thing so many times over and i've asked him a couple times if maybe he just doesn't love or like me anymore, and he always insists it's not true and that he isn't going anywhere and his feelings haven't changed. he just doesn't show it unless i interrogate him or drag it out of him... which completely defeats the purpose because it isn't necessarily genuine then.

[heartshaped]

Has he been acting like himself otherwise? How long has he been acting this way? Maybe he's just having a rough time of things or has had a lot going on that has caused him not to act exactly like himself?

 

In long distance, it seems like everything is always magnified because of the distance. I know at times my boyfriend isn't as affectionate as he usually is, but those times never seem to last long and usually coincide with him being under stress or upset about something.

 

I doubt though if his feelings were changing if he denied the fact. It stands to reason if they were and you asked him about it, he would just openly admit it instead of vehemently denying it.

[emmadee91]

wow i just found out he blocked me on msn. i knew he blocked me from facebook, but he ACTUALLY went to the trouble of blocking me on msn? i thought he just hadn't signed in, but one of our mutual friends just said something about him being online, and i can't see it. wow. i'm actually really pissed off right now. that's totally unnecessary..... he asked for space, i'm giving it to him. and yet i need to be blocked.

 

anyway this started in early april. hasn't been the same consistently since. sometimes things will change for a day or two, but never more than that.

 

i don't have high hopes for us anymore if he's blocked me. really don't know how to feel about that.

[heartshaped]

It seems like there is more to this story that he isn't telling you.

 

I am so sorry that he has blocked you though. I'm hoping maybe with some space he can sort himself out and apologize because it doesn't sound like you've done anything to deserve all of this.

[emmadee91]

he's not one to apologize... usually i am the one to initiate making up and i take the blame for most things even if i'm not actually the one to blame.

 

i feel really discouraged right now... fml.

[emmadee91]

i just realized why i've been so over-emotional and moody for the past few months, and why i feel like i can't help picking at his every move: my birth control (yaz) is making me craaaazy. when we met, i wasn't on it. probably why we were attracted to each other in the first place. i started on it a few months after we started dating and i suppose the hormones have been building up ever since then.

[la vie est belle]

OMG. you and I are the same person, and we're dating the same guy, I swear.

 

Except after being in your situation for 7 horrible months (we've been together for a year and 4 months) I finally got fed up, it finally clicked for him and he changed. But the only way that was able to happen was because we hit rock bottom.

 

When I say he changed, I mean it in the sense that he's finally listening to me and doesn't try to drop issues before they're resolved. My issue was that he had always kind of rushed these conversations or I felt like he didn't take them as seriously as he should because they happened so often, so even if I thought the conversation went well at the time deep down I still never felt completely satisfied because of that. Then the issue would just pop up again a few days later lol, and I wouldn't even know why!!

 

I started to feel crazy at the time... I felt like "THAT" crazy girlfriend kind of like how you feel, which is soooo not in my character, and I'm sure not in yours either. Your logical side tells you, "ok well I guess we DID talk about it, so I shouldn't be so upset about this again, I feel crazy for having to bring this up so many times." You're not crazy and neither was I... it's only when I finally hit rock bottom and backed off for three weeks and it's only after that we had the real breakthrough conversation. And oh my god, he finally realizes how easy I am to please. It's great for me and great for him because I'm satisfied and he realizes its not as hard as he thought it would be lol.

 

You two just have some major communication issues and I think he feels kind of hopeless to work them out. He'll just blame it on incompatibility but I think the real issue is just the fact that he has no idea how to communicate. He tries to make complex issues simple when they're really not, because for him that's the easiest way to avoid conflict.

 

He'd rather pull back and run away instead of trying to understand the issue head on because... well... he's a guy, that's what they do lol. I on the other hand brought up issues all the time at inappropriate times when he wasn't ready to hear it + the fact we always seem to be talking about the same thing made him sick of it... that's frustrating for a guy... but the time I was just communicating the only way I knew how. Makes you feel pretty foolish though, huh?

 

You've done your part already by admitting the things you've done wrong, now it's his turn... and nothing will change unless he realizes the root cause of your issues and makes an effort to address them. Both people, well, I think just him lol, have to realize that it's not just "incompatibility" (an excuse my BF has tried to use in the past), I never believed we were incompatible.

 

But really... you and I are the same person, it's creepy. And also stop blaming yourself so much, yeah you've made mistakes but never ever take all the blame! I did that too, for waaaaaaaaay too long and it got me nowhere...

 

The fact that he blocked you though makes me question a lot... I hope it's just because he doesn't want to be reminded of you rather than his way of getting over it faster. Sounds like this guy really needs some time though... good for you for giving him his space!

[emmadee91]

oh sweet jesus you just described me and him to a T, gurlfran. that's exactly what happens with us, nothing gets resolved and he gets frustrated and sick of it because i bring it up all the time because it's not resolved!

 

i still feel like things have definitely been exaggerated by me being overly-sensitive to things and moody because of the birth control.

 

and he has blamed it on incompatibility! right before he asked for space he was saying that "we don't click" and "we're never on the same page" and it was scaring me because that sounds so final, like break-up talk.

 

i sent him a message on facebook yesterday because i didn't want him to see it right away (otherwise i would've texted, and i figured he would feel less smothered that way) just saying that i realize my part in things and everything is just as much my fault as it is his, and i mentioned that i realized everything got worse because of the birth control. and i said that i'm not sure where we stand or if we're okay but i wanted him to know all that.

 

he hasn't responded, although i did make it clear i wasn't looking to start a conversation... i'm not sure what that means. at this point i really am trying not to get my own hopes up, everything seems to point to him just being absolutely sick of me and i don't necessarily blame him. we're still in a relationship on facebook, he hasn't changed that, so i'm not sure what that means either. if he's willing to come back and work on our communication, i feel like everything would be so much better with just a smallllll amount of effort.

[la vie est belle]

Now it just sucks because you have no idea where you guys even stand anymore! So frustrating, I know...

 

I don't post here too often and never usually read long posts but yours was way too much like my situation so I was intrigued hahaha.

 

Feel free to send me an e-mail if you wanna chat. I feel like our situations are really similar so maybe I can help a little bit lol. I'll give you my junkmail address (don't wanna put my real one on the internet) and we can swap skype or MSN info or whatever if you want. It's: [email protected]

[emmadee91]

i've got msn! i emailed you