userName3 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone, I'm sorry if this thread might be similar to some that already exist here, but I need an outlet to vent with my own words and maybe see some advice tailored to my situation specifically. I've been married for almost four years, have a son who is 3. We met 7 years ago, she was 17 and I was 20. We had a strong love for each other, were very caring to each other, had occasional fights but generally apologized and made up every time. Over the past year or two, she has become more 'independent'. She increasingly started going out with her friends. I didn't mind that.. I was very secure with our love and didn't feel jealous or anything, I trusted her to not cheat etc, and I'm not that into 'going out' so I didn't mind staying home to watch the kid. Now, the past several months sex had been lessening, to nothing in the past two. I chalked it up to us being tired both working full time jobs and alternating being the 'babysitter'. But it was increasing. A couple weeks ago I noticed when I said "I love you" she sort of just mumbled it back.. noticeably pained to say. So a week ago I confronted her about troubles she is having, and if they are about me. She said yes, of course. At first she told me she wanted to work on it.. but as I talked with her it seemed not the whole story. Eventually after asking her for clarification and more detail, I realize she has made the decision and has zero intention of looking back. That's kind of the way she always has been, stubborn and determined. Usually it's about things I agree with though! After a bit of discussion I got two main reasons: 1. she has changed drastically since we met, becoming more independent and I guess needing to "find herself". A few months ago, she got a job bartending. She is awesome at her job, the customers love her. She has also been steadily for a long time losing weight and getting fit and looks amazing these days. She's basically on top of the world right now and I was so proud to be her husband. 2. she basically said she didn't love me "in that way" anymore. I was shocked and devastated. I want to press her on this issue, to find out what it is about me that she needs to end our marriage over, but she just tells me that I'm a great guy and attractive, she alludes to reason #1 (she changed and is independent), and then tells me she already told me everything. So I guess I'll just have to let that go too.. It seems so sudden to me, though when I say that she says it really hasn't been, she just has been holding it in because she couldn't bring herself to hurt me. I told her that now that I know about it, I can be a part of the effort to repair our marriage too. She said no, it's over. I've cried for a week now. I see our marriage as over, and I am working on the transition toward letting her go. It's so hard and I've never had something shake me emotionally so much. Needless to say, sadness is overwhelming. I feel betrayed by the one I loved most. The biggest feeling I have is of rejection, it's huge when it's someone who you had thought loved you so much for so long. I was so secure in our relationship a week ago, and suddenly I'm just another guy with the hots for her who will never have a chance. This is paired with jealousy, thinking about the hypothetical next guy who she willlove "in that way". And also I guess it's jealousy when she is out having the time of her life while I am home wallowing in my misery. We still live together, but will be moving apart soon. I have no idea how this will work legally, but we are very cordial to each other and are willing to share responsibility with our son like we have been.. dropping him off on the way to work and vice versa, that sort of thing (I work a day shift and she works a late shift). We can even still have light conversations about trivial subjects, and I foresee us being friendly forever. She is so sweet and I have no hard feelings for her.. I ultimately do understand that this is her life too and she has a right to be happy. She can't find that with me apparently, so she feels she'd better end it now before we're old and realize we were unhappy our whole lives. So all I can do is move on. I suddenly have the nagging urge to be social and get out there, though it is hard because she works most nights and I have to be home for my son at that time. I feel better just posting this, but I guess I'm also looking for some advice on how to let her go and get myself back out there, and ideas on how to cope with my feelings of sadness, betrayal, rejection and jealousy. if you read my long-winded post, thanks Edited May 21, 2011 by userName3
Citizen-d Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Sorry there is someone else mate, happened to me exactly the same but she lied over and over!
willowthewisp Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Sorry for very quick reply, very late here in the UK just of to sleep. She is a fool, from the way you write you sound like a very decent man. I have to ask have you done any digging to see if she is cheating? Many many times people come here, say no way and it turns out they are. Regardless of why though, whether she married young, cheating, whatever, you deserve the chance to repair your marriage. To be honest it doesn't even sound like the marriage is the problem, she is. Her happiness? Well she may well discover this was the biggest mistake of her life, I for one can tell you there are a lot of douchbags out there. She has no way of knowing whther things could work out with or without you but she does owe it to you, your child and herself to try, not just walk. You cannot make her though and you are doing the right thing by letting her go rather than beg, plead, etc. Look up the 180, use it. Again sorry for blunt and quick post will check in again, keep posting!
htctouchpro2 Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 keep us updated. has the divorce proceeding started?
seibert253 Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Sorry there is someone else mate, happened to me exactly the same but she lied over and over! ^^^^^ This Sorry to say it, but I've seen it here so many times before. OP you need to do some investigating. I'll bet the farm there's someone else in the picture.
Author userName3 Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Thanks for your replies so far. I did dig for evidence of another, things seem to check out. All I can do now is speculate, and that does nothing but make me sick. However, it's not like she has anywhere to go right now.. no boyfriend's house or anything. She's working on getting a room set up in her mom's place. And she comes home after work. If she's got a boyfriend, she hardly talks to him or sees him except maybe at work. I've even shown up at a bar she was at last week (not working) that she was sure I wouldn't go to, and she was getting support from her friends about our situation, rather than having a good time with some hot guy. She's not like many girls, who seem to actually like making their significant others jealous. We have always been very respectful of those kinds of feelings. I've always known her as someone with at least those principles. It's always possible but in this situation, I just don't think so. Basically, I think she hasn't found anyone but is wanting to leave me so that she can be free to pursue if she does find someone in the future. I think she feels she doesn't want to be doomed to a mistake she made when she was too young. But still, at this point what does it matter if she has a boyfriend? We're separated, and that's "acceptable" now. We no longer have a claim on each other. Following the concept of The 180, I have to suck it up and agree with that. By the way, thanks for the tip to look that up, I knew some of the ideas about not making yourself look pathetic but that was a good list. I don't expect it to make her want me again, but it's also helpful for moving on. Now I just gotta get myself out their too. Nothing legal has happened yet, and we haven't even really talked about that. I have no idea how it goes, but we are able to smile and have peaceful conversations with each other, and we both agree that we will remain good friends and share responsibilities of our son. We rent and have more debts than assets, and many things though shared are considered either "mine" or "hers", so that shouldn't be too difficult to divvy up. We were both young, never had a chance to be single at the bar scene or anything. It's thick and dark but I see a sliver of light in my future just like she sees in hers. She has an awesome attitude and is so easy to get along with which is rare in girls in my experience, but there are many things that I am not passionate about in her either, so.. I don't know. Maybe there is someone better suited for me out there. Someone with her attitude and world view but with more interests in common with me. We were a good partnership sharing responsibilities for a while there, but there wasn't a whole lot we enjoyed doing together. And I guess looking back I held myself back from doing some things I wanted, out of respect for her. Sacrifices have to be made for relationships.. now neither of us have to make those sacrifices so we can live our lives to the fullest (within reason because of the kid). To quote the Killers: But it's just the price I pay, Destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes.. I'm Mr. Brightside...
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