uncertain9881 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I could use some advice. I've been with my GF for 3 years, and we have been engaged for the last year. A few months after we initially met she got a job a couple hours away. It was for a 2 year contract and we both agreed that it would be a good opportunity and it was only temporary. The two year contract was over last summer and I proposed around that time with full understanding that she would be moving back to the area. Anyway, it is a year later and we are still LDR. That is about the time our relationship started going bad. Right after we got engaged she told me about a job offer 5 hours away that she might get and wanted to take it. It ended up not going through. A couple of months ago she got a phone call and immediately took it in the other room. I heard her mention that she got back in town ok. Since she never told me about a trip I was curious and listened at the door. It was about a job interview. I confronted her about it after the call and she said it was a job in the area (we are still long distance a year after we had agreed that she would move back but she says she is still trying to get a job in the area), but the area code was from a state 10 hours away. She lied and said he must be calling from his cell. I pushed some more about the trip and she admitted that it was an interview for a job 10 hours away. She said she had gone up in the morning and came back that evening and didn't tell me because she didn't want me to think she was moving anywhere. Well, the past couple of months I became suspicious and when I found her email/ facebook open on my computer I looked around. I saw that the interview she went on was an overnight trip, that job that mysteriously came up after we got engaged when she was supposed to be moving back to the area was in the works for a couple of months and she went on the interview the day before I proposed and that she has been looking at jobs all over the country and not just in the area. Although she has tried hard to find a job in the area. Also found out about some other guys she has been talking to and spending hours upon hours on the phone with. WE barely talk on the phone. Some of the messages were inappropriate and definitely an EA. I had caught her having an EA on facebook about 8 months ago and confronted her about it. She just said it was innocent and made her feel good but nothing happened and would break off all communication. I don't think anything physical happened because he lives 7 hours away. This other guy she was having an EA with lives about 12 hours away. She said she was just talking to him about problems in our relationship and just needed some advice and he was there to listen. She has plenty of family and friends she could have gone to. Anyway, she never kept her word about moving back, lied to me about where she was looking for a job and never told me about several interviews and prospects that had come up which would have been the end to our relationship. She also has had a couple EAs but swears nothing happened and she wants me. We broke up about a month ago but are contemplating whether to work things out. I just found out she is still talking to the other guy. She swears he is just listening to her about our relationship and that there is no one else but me. I told her that if it was me, and I knew that had been one of the reasons we broke up, I would NOT continue to talk to the person if I was trying to regain trust. She says she has now broken off all communication. So, oddly enough, I still love her even though I am questioning what was real in our relationship. It seems like she was ready to leave me for her career. Seeks attention from other men. And has been dishonest and hid things from me for the past year (at least). I started seeing a counselor and so has she. My counselor thinks I would be a fool to stay with her. She feels like she is a liar and is extremely selfish and does whatever she wants. I hurt though. I keep going from being sad and missing her to being angry and hating her. Please, any advice???
Author uncertain9881 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 No one has been in a similar situation? If you gave it a second chance did it work out? Was it only temporary change? Did you end up breaking up in the end?
Author uncertain9881 Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I guess I was hoping someone would tell me "I had that exact same situation, and when I gave it a second chance it worked out and we lived happily ever after". Why is it that relationships are so complicated? Or I guess why do our emotions conflict with our mind and what we know we should do? (I know there isn't an answer to that question). Looks like I need to start posting in the coping forum.
cheekiest Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel. My bf and I had a ldr for over 1 yr out of the 3 we were together. (don't be put off by past tense) A lot happened in that time, we only saw each other twice (it was over 3000 miles difference) but we spoke on the phone at least once a day, more often twice. We loved each other very much. We were best friends, lovers, you name it. We fought, of course, and we each have our own issues and demons to deal with. But we were good together. Very good. Then his father became very ill, and passed away this last fall. I went to see him, and I could tell that he, and his family, were in immense pain and grieving terribly. I tried to be understanding and helpful, but he started pushing me away. It upset me, but I put it off to the grief, and beared with it. Then at the end of January, he said he needed to focus on helping his mum, and himself. Work, moving, all sorts of things came into play. He needed to walk away from us for a bit, as the ldr was too emotionally consuming. It hurt me deeply. But I understood, and even after that, he would call me every week to talk about it, make sure I was ok etc. Then out of the blue, literally, I find out a few months later that he is here. Back in my town. He said it was to deal with loose ends he didn't tie up before he left the year prior. He never told me he was coming. I saw him, and still, didn't have a clue of the truth - which was that he had started an EA with his ex gf back in December. Only a month after I was there, and two months before we split. He had never cheated on me before, never. I trusted him fully. I was crushed to say the least. He never told me, I found out through friends. Not only that, but he was now here, living with her. I have never been so hurt in all of my life. Everything I believed in was a lie, and I wasn't sure how I was going to ever get over it. The anger was ridiculous, I was consumed with pain and rage. I took the high road. I didn't call him, or text him, or confront her, since April when I found out the truth. Then, I saw him this past weekend. He knew where I was going to be, and waited for me. We talked a bit. He had had too much to drink, so I told him that if he wanted to talk like adults, then to call me in the week and we'd talk. He called me the next morning. He said he owed me the truth, that things weren't what I thought they were. He really wanted to make things right with me, that it has been weighing heavily on him for all this time (as it should). So I agreed to meet up with him. He apologised, profusely and honestly. Wanted to know what he can do to make things better. He answered every one of my questions honestly and sincerely. He explained his feelings at the time it happened, but said he has no idea why he did it. He regrets it, knows he made a mistake. Said he still loves me, and wants to make it up to me. (btw, this woman is the same woman he left his ex wife for, and they have never been able to make it work between them - a totally toxic relationship, but they can't seem to get each other out of their system). He knows full well that his reasons for doing this are purely selfish, insecure and thoughtless on his part. He knows how much he's hurt me. I didn't hold back, and he took it like a man, and answered everything. It healed a big part of me. I told him that I wouldn't even consider getting back with him if she were still in the picture, and that he needs to sort that out, or else it's going to keep coming back to haunt him. He agreed, he said he isn't happy at all, and plans to go away again within the next couple of weeks. He truly feels horrible, and ashamed. But, I have my boundaries. I am not going to let myself be hurt, when I know the possibility exists. He must MUST have no-contact with her whatsoever in order to regain my trust. Bottom line, buck stops there etc etc. I told him this, he asked for some time to deal with it properly, and I agreed. I feel good about it. I feel that he knows I love him, and am willing to give him a second chance, but on MY terms. And if it doesn't work out, so be it. At least I know I won't spend the next few years with a constant suspicious mind, and paranoia. I wish you all the best, and make sure you are clear, gentle yet firm about what you do and don't expect, and what the consequences of her actions will be if she doesn't do it. For you. x
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