danny273 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I met this wonderful person online and when we met in person we had a lovely walk along the river and had a light-hearted conversation which confirmed that we share a few views, interests and tastes in common. However, her body language was indicating she was not feeling that comfortable. Therefore, I asked her by e-mail afterwards if she still wanted to meet again as I detected a real lack of eye-contact and physical proximity when we met. She said I was right about the lack of eye-contact and said it was because she is really shy and self-conscious, but pointed out that when we were saying goodbye to each other she thought of hugging me, but held back. I've told her not to worry and that I would like her to relax and feel at ease in my presence as I like her. There are clearly mutual feelings of attraction and we have agreed to meet again for an afternoon and spend time going to the cinema, meal, etc. My question is, would you greet her with a warm hug and as the date progresses give her a kiss on the lips to show her how you feel towards her in an attempt to get her to overcome her insecurities?
Sabali Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 My question is, would you greet her with a warm hug and as the date progresses give her a kiss on the lips to show her how you feel towards her in an attempt to get her to overcome her insecurities? No, Dannyboy, no. Do not force the issue, especially now. You put yourself in a corner now. For one, I would avoid pointing out negative things when it comes to getting to know someone during dates. Something like "I detected a real lack of eye-contact and physical proximity when we met" is a huge mistake. Don't give her your analysis of these things. Now, she will feel even more uncomfortable around you and lock-up when she is with you, thinking you are analyzing her every move. Now that she will be uncomfortable or realizes that you notice that she feels shy or awkward around you, do not force the issue with physical contact. It will make things worse in this case and just put too much pressure on her. These are negative feelings that she will seek to avoid in the future by avoiding you. Once you notice these things, your task is simply to find a way for her to feel more at ease and loose around you. Do not give her your analysis report. Just find a way to make her at ease. The content and tone of your conversation is thing for this.
Darren Taylor Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Pointing out the lack of eye contact was a huge mistake and likely a killer. She was already uncomfortable to start off with and now, you just made her feel even worse. Good job, Pancho.
alethean Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I'm going to agree with previous posters. You shouldn't have pointed out that you noticed she was nervous. I am a shy girl, and one of the things that makes me more nervous is when people notice that I am nervous. To answer your question, I think on your next date you should do whatever she feels comfortable with. Since you appear to be able to sense comfort levels pretty well, I think you would be able to see whether she would be fine with a hug or a kiss. Don't worry about adhering to a particular schedule.
Jazzari Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I think it was fine that you asked her about it. I think she'll be more comfortable knowing that you understand how she feels. She said that she wanted to hug you. So I wouldn't hold back in that area. Give her a hug - but after the date, not before. Give her time to get used to you and also to raise anticipation. I'd hold off on the kiss a bit longer.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I was going to make reference to those with whom I agree, and those with whom I disagree, but I feared that 'right' would become 'wrong' and 'wrong' would be misidentified as 'right' upon conclusion. Instead, I am going to merely say that people who first encounter one another online have options that people meeting only in real life don't have. For starters, how you greet one another (shooting an apple off of her head, juggling long-bladed knives at close proximity to her, screaming into a megaphone pointed at her ear)... is secondary to your 'arranging' exactly what you're going to do to greet one another. When meeting for the first (and now second) time in real life, it isn't wrong to alert the other person to exactly what you'll be wearing... the full truth of what you look like... the full itinerary for what you'll do together, AND how you will greet one another upon first encounter. She has the means to communicate in considerable detail just how her shyness affects her, and how it will appear to you. For now, make sure (in your mind, at least, and maybe clarify for us) that her body language as mentioned wasn't resulting at all from your surroundings that could have been farther away from well-populated areas than had been the case earlier, when you first met. I really like the vibes of your original post, and I think that internet socializing is absolutely excellent for someone like the woman you met, in order so that she can interact with people on her terms. Consider whether going to a movie would be good... or not-so-good, depending upon the vibe you get when contemplating close proximity where verbal communication is removed from the mix, and emphasis is placed on being near one another. I'm NOT saying that 'going to a movie is a bad idea'... rather, that you should decide on the fly if it is best in this unique situation. So, bottom line, probably unwise to surprise her with close physical affection... BUT maybe establish via e-mail that you are quite interested, and that sheeeeeeeeeeee could initiate any sort of spontaneous bit of physical affection without fear of being rejected. Beyond that, use the power of the internet to 'choreograph' much of the evening that might in other ways challenge her to remain comfortable.
betterdeal Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 (edited) I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I think it was fine that you asked her about it. I think she'll be more comfortable knowing that you understand how she feels. She said that she wanted to hug you. So I wouldn't hold back in that area. Give her a hug - but after the date, not before. Give her time to get used to you and also to raise anticipation. I'd hold off on the kiss a bit longer. I agree with jazzari. Maybe gesture to hold her hands when you meet, as in, open hands, palms upwards, gently reaching out to hers. It feels less intimidating and remains sensual. It may be culturally dependent, so up to you. And when it comes to eye contact, respect her wish to drop it some times. Occasionally drop your eye contact if she drops hers. This gives her the space to study your face and expressions without you looking back at her. You'll see she's looking at you in your periphery vision. It's a courtship ritual. By showing attraction and respect for her boundaries, testing but not pushing, you'll show what kind of man you are. As trust develops at this level, she will let you lead her, like a dance. I'm glad you raised this with her because it shows respect and attraction. Rather than trying to second guess her wishes, you've asked her about them, showing you (a) like her and (b) respect her to tell you about her feelings. Edited May 22, 2011 by betterdeal
Author danny273 Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 The only reason I pointed out my observations from our first meeting was because I do really like her and I was just trying to be honest as a sign of respect towards her. I have no problem with her being shy and opening up gradually, but wanted to ensure she was seeing things in the same light as I was. It is now clear from her response that she does. It was actually her suggestion to go to the cinema, not mine. I am happy to do whatever makes her happy and she is comfortable with.
Sabali Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 The only reason I pointed out my observations from our first meeting was because I do really like her and I was just trying to be honest as a sign of respect towards her. I am sure you had good intentions. There is no question there. The question is what should you do or avoid when it comes to dating that will likely produce a desirable result? As the poster above stated, shedding light on the feelings of discomfort tends to exacerbate it. Just think of any similar situation where you felt uncomfortable and someone pointed it out. Did it make it better or improve the behavior? Actually, it tends to make you more anxious because now you know that others are noticing it despite your best efforts to conceal your awkwardness in the situation. In most situations that a person becomes nervous or awkward in, they tend to avoid them. It is not unusual to feel nervous during a date. The first date is the time when someone is deciding if you are a potential partner and if they like you enough to proceed. Your best chance of success during this time is fostering great, positive feelings that puts the person on cloud 9. Focus on the positive. You want her to think about your nice smile and your fun nature. You do not want her to be at home focusing on how nervous and distant she was from you. Always focus on the positive during those first few dates. Attraction is a delicate newborn baby that must be handled carefully during the infant stages.
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