Am i an ahole? i want my relationship back on track.

[GuyfromBoston]

So i started a LDR with my girlfriend in 2008.. i'm from the east coast and shes from the west coast We met through a mutual friend while she was in my city. we see each other every few months or so and the first year we was together everything was perfect.. shes about 9 years older so i'm new to dating older women.

 

- I have certain trust issues and she knows that

- all my previous EX girlfriends cheated on me and i told her that..

 

I was very very nice to her at the start..

 

She would go clubbing and go to the bars with her cousins/friends and all and i wouldn't mind it at all we never argued or anything for the first year but after that everything started to go downhill for me and the relationship. I started telling her she cant go to certain places and she agreed for the most part but every time she asked i said no she can't and stuff.. i told her because she might cheat on me one day. she kept telling me she wouldnt do that because she loves me. She started getting annoyed because i kept her from not going places until she bursted. the arguments kept coming on a daily basis like it was a chore. with all the arguments and stuff her son started to not like me ( hes only 11)'because i make his mom cry a lot. she told me i am a selfish controlling *******. i will admit i have been controlling her a bit because i am scared of losing her,.. she hates most of my friends, guy and girls ... i would understand if she hates 1 guy and a girl since theres a reason but even with new friends.. if i hang out with them a lot she starts getting pissed and not liking that. also we broke up today and got back together under certain circumstances( change your personality and let me do things).

She said she doesn't want to be in an unhappy relationship and she wants to give it one last try.. by the way i am no angel i do call her vulgar names and stuff when we argue but i do apologize when i say mean things to her. I am also her first love =/. she also has 2 jobs so we talk a nice amount sometimes.

 

i really do love her and she tells me the same thing she just want me to be the way i was before all this chaos.

 

I am completely honest in this post i'm sure most people wont be 100% honest and also this is my first time being here.. so please any advice i would take if its to change all this around. i wish i can fix it all i just hope the way ( i made her) and this chaos wont be perminant.

 

Please what can i do to change this around or at least fix half of it i do not want to lose her..

 

i want to try my best into keeping her.

[heartshaped]

Have you considered getting therapy for your control and trust issues?

 

Obviously these are issues you are unable to fix on your own and you won't be able to have a happy relationship until you deal with these issues. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it.

[sirens_song]

All I can say is this:

 

She has a life, let her live it. I've been in a controlling relationship, and getting out was the best thing that ever happened to me. You cannot control someone, even if you think that you're doing what is best for them and your relationship. I repeat: you cannot control her.

 

I know you mentioned that you have trust issues. I don't have trust issues, and am not a trained professional, so there isn't much that I can say. I will say this; if she has not given you reason to doubt her fidelity, then do not doubt her. Trusting someone on the other side of the country is very, very difficult. But if you two get along as well as you seem to, and she's dating you despite the distance, then I doubt you have anything to worry about.

 

Just talk to her and apologize for being controlling and rude. Tell her that you're going to try to be better, and that you realize you CANNOT mandate where she goes and with whom. Don't say these things if you don't mean them. If you give her empty promises, then you'll be right back where you were, very quickly.

 

If you feel that you can't trust her, then I think you know what you have to do. It is unfair to keep her prisoner in her own life. Be respectful of her space and life, or let her go free.

[creighton0123]

Stop controlling her or you'll lose her. It's that simple.

 

Controlling someone in the way that you are can be considered domestic abuse. She is not any of your ex girlfriends. Treating her as though she were is fundamentally degrading.

 

So to answer your question: Yes. You're being an ahole. If you can't figure out a way to control your trust issues, it is extremely unfair to anyone you date for you to be in a romantic relationship.