Desensitized Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 As some of you may know, I was engaged to a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder. She would want to be around me 24/7, she cooked for me, wanted to have sex 24/7, scratched my back whenever I wanted, showered me with gifts, called/texted me all the time, would LOVE to sleep on my chest and cuddle, we had so many inside jokes and we could finish each other's sentences, and she was my best friend. Remind me why I broke up with her? This all sounds great, I know, but I had some problems with some things that she did, so I broke up with her. That being said, can anyone remind me what a healthy relationship is like? I guess I miss all of the aforementioned, and I don't think I'll find this in a healthy relationship, which is to be expected. I guess I just miss the things she did for me and her clingyness.
Author Desensitized Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 I thought guys hate clingers Most do, but I just loved the fact that she wanted to be with me ALL the time. I miss that
Downtown Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Desensitized, I know what you're talking about. When a BPDer is good, she is so very VERY good! At the BPD websites targeted to us Nons, several of us have half-jokingly agreed that it can be difficult to "settle" for dating an emotionally available, stable woman after you've experienced the unbridled passion of being with a BPDer. Stable women experience mixed emotions and therefore cannot give you that purity of emotions that flows so freely from a BPDer. Perhaps the closest thing to it, for the Nons who never date BPDers, is when they go home and, on opening the front door, see their four year old daughter running toward them with outstretched arms and a face full of adoration. Adult BPDers exhibit that same child like warmth of expression. In contrast, a stable woman is hobbled by mixed feelings, which cause 80% of her facial muscles to say "I love you" while the other 20% say "but I'm not so sure." Lest we get too carried away by thinking only of the good times, it is good to recall the bad -- because, when BPDers behave badly, it is very VERY Bad. Because a BPDer desperately wants to think of herself as a helpless victim, she sorely needs you to play the role of the "perpetrator," always taking the blame for her every misfortune. In this regard, only two weeks ago you were saying:The ex-fiancee ended up contacting me today and she started blaming me for everything. It's impossible to be friends with this woman as much as I would like to be friends with her. She just brings the worst out of me...
Author Desensitized Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 Desensitized, I know what you're talking about. When a BPDer is good, she is so very VERY good! At the BPD websites targeted to us Nons, several of us have half-jokingly agreed that it can be difficult to "settle" for dating an emotionally available, stable woman after you've experienced the unbridled passion of being with a BPDer. Stable women experience mixed emotions and therefore cannot give you that purity of emotions that flows so freely from a BPDer. Perhaps the closest thing to it, for the Nons who never date BPDers, is when they go home and, on opening the front door, see their four year old daughter running toward them with outstretched arms and a face full of adoration. Adult BPDers exhibit that same child like warmth of expression. In contrast, a stable woman is hobbled by mixed feelings, which cause 80% of her facial muscles to say "I love you" while the other 20% say "but I'm not so sure." Lest we get too carried away by thinking only of the good times, it is good to recall the bad -- because, when BPDers behave badly, it is very VERY Bad. Because a BPDer desperately wants to think of herself as a helpless victim, she sorely needs you to play the role of the "perpetrator," always taking the blame for her every misfortune. In this regard, only two weeks ago you were saying: Downtown, I just want to say, thank you for bringing me back to reality - I completely forgot about the thread I made two weeks ago, so it was nice to see you quote what I said. It seems that you are extremely educated on the topic of Borderline Personality Disorder, so I greatly thank you for taking the time out of your day to help me out with this - it really puts things into the perspective of the person dealing with the person with BPD. And you are right, my ex was very intelligent (like most women with BPD, they really know how to manipulate). I just don't know how my next relationship is going to turn out. I am so used to the intensity of dating someone with BPD that, anything else is going to seem like a disappointment, I think. I think I have to put myself out there in the mean time and try to adjust myself to a "normal" relationship, so that way, when the time comes when I have another serious relationship, I won't screw it up. That was also a great analogy you used to show the Nons that never have dated BPDers what it is like dating a BPDer. And you are COMPLETELY right about the fact that when something goes bad with a BPDer, it is VERY BAD. I can't recall how many times my ex held a knife up to me and threatened to kill me (crazy, I know). Downtown, I just want to say, thanks again for keeping me in line. Much appreciated. Definitely one of the best on LS
Lilmisus Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I don't know anyone with BPD, so of course I've never dated someone with it, so I can't say I know where you're coming from in that aspect. But with my ex it was a very unhealthy relationship, and sometimes, it's hard for me to imagine being in a healthy one...though for the complete opposite reason than from what you have. I still have to remind myself that not every guy will leave me with NC for a couple weeks at a time, or make me do all the work in the relationship, and that not every guy will screw me over the way he did. It's honestly a chore to think about what my next relationship will be like if I'm not the pursuer again. But I think that what you may want to consider doing, is slowly putting yourself back into the dating pool. Maybe go after one or two girls, and try to put the chase back into it for you. She was all over you from what I gather, so I think you should try to remind yourself of what it's like to date or to be around someone who isn't like that. Someone who you will have to really work at having their attention. Who you can be the love and gift giver, without expecting anything in return..which from the looks of it, is how most relationships seem to function this day in age. That's how my last one was...except, I didn't expect or get anything back. If you just get the reminder that hey..there's a middle ground between having a girl throwing herself at you (and acting psycho from time to time) and a girl who you really, really, have to work at, then you will be able to appreciate normal, healthy relationships much more.
Downtown Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I have to put myself out there in the mean time and try to adjust myself to a "normal" relationship.Yes, as I tried to explain in Inigo's thread, we "extreme caregivers" confuse "being needed" with "being loved" -- to the point that we don't feel we are being truly loved unless the woman desperately needs us. We therefore need to work on that, together with building strong personal boundaries so we have a better sense of where "we" leaves off and "others" begin. Otherwise, as super-empaths, we cannot distinguish between our own problems and those of a loved one. This sets us up for disaster when dating a BPDer because it is impossible for us to fix her problems. Like you, I learned the hard way that it is impossible to make an unhappy woman happy. We therefore should be looking for a woman who is already happy when we meet her -- which rules out the desperately needy women. This, at least, is what I'm aiming for.
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