ladyinlimbo Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Have never had an exclusivity chat in my life and would never have the balls to even begin to have one, god, is this normal?? I would die of embarrassment before talking about that, ever, same for STD tests! I have had several rels too and am in my 30's, but never have I ever discussed things once, way out of my comfort zone sadly. Wouldn't it be even more out of your comfort zone to find out you contracted a lifelong STD like herpes or hpv, or HIV?
iris219 Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Have never had an exclusivity chat in my life and would never have the balls to even begin to have one, god, is this normal?? I would die of embarrassment before talking about that, ever, same for STD tests! I have had several rels too and am in my 30's, but never have I ever discussed things once, way out of my comfort zone sadly. I've never had the exclusive talk either, except with my high school BF. I didn't realize adults did this. I guess they do and we're the odd ones. I always have the STD talk and then use protection. I don't know how necessary the STD talk really is. There's no guarantee someone would admit this anyway. I don't have casual sex, so I've never been too worried about honesty, but still always use protection. I wonder how many people demand to see test results?
ASG Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Personally, for me, it would never happen before sex. As I've stated here before, I don't commit to anything before sex. And exclusive, to me, means gf/bf - serious-ish relationship. If we're just sleeping together, then I won't be exclusive, thank you very much (doesn't mean I will necessarily be sleeping with other people, I just won't say no if another "opportunity" arises). With my ex, it was actually a couple of weeks after we started dating and spending time together almost every day that he said he'd stopped seeing other people (I wasn't seeing anyone else at the time). I still wasn't sure at the time, but, as I wasn't seeing anyone anyway, it was a non issue. We made it official about a week after that.
RovingReporter Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I'm in this situation right now. We've been seeing each other about a month and thus far i've had to initiate everything. I guess the exclusivity talk will be my responsibility too:)
Author bluenightowl Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Regardless of whether it is or not, it's great advice. In many early dating scenarios, the man has done all the approaching, asking out, date planning and most if not all the contacting. The exclusivity talk is often the first time the woman shows any initiative or takes risk by putting her feelings on the line. The man's job is to approach, express interest and ask out, the woman's is to show that she has "selected" the man above other options at various stages by accepting dates first, continuing to accept attention, and eventually bringing up exclusivity. Now, if the woman did the approach, asking out, etc., she would have a reasonable expectation of the man initiating the exclusivity talk. In traditional dating, I almost never need to ask, because usually there are hints that I or the person I'm dating show, to show we are exclusive. The issue is online dating. In online dating, that role of the "man's job to approach" as you put it gets confused, because you're not always asking anymore.. in some cases you are being 'matched' and well I'm not sure who is approaching.. and you almost have to assume both of you are dating many people. Ideally I think it good to wait until you become very close, to build that trust, to becomes best friends, before asking, and well by that point, its really easy to know. The problem is always once sex gets involved. As I guy.. one could just stay silent and wait for the women to decide when she wants you.. At the point of sex, if you really like a women, I think you are left in a very difficult position. Essentially the Doc Love thinking is to never have sex until she asks for exclusivity.. but the reality is people have sex well before 90 days.. and in many cases it is women who want it just as much as men. So unless you are a player.. with no feelings for her at all.. having sex with her.. not asking.. and then later on finding out she is dating other men.. might very well leave one feeling just as used as many women complain about men doing to them. In such a scenario, I really think one might be better to stand up to ones standards.. and not have sex unless she is on the same page as what you also wants.
sanskrit Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 In traditional dating, I almost never need to ask, because usually there are hints that I or the person I'm dating show, to show we are exclusive. Agree with the above, but also find online dating works the same, however have admittedly never done Eharmony or a matchmaking service such as you describe. Ideally, it's a give and take conversation that the other party also wants and makes it easy for the party who initiates it. This is a cruel moment to play games or stare blankly pretending not to know what the other person is getting at, have never experienced that thankfully, but acquaintances have. IMO, it is definitely a necessary talk to have sooner or later, as even relatively ethical people will press an advantage and keep options open given the chance, possibly causing confusion and mistrust in those they are dating.
Author bluenightowl Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 IMO, it is definitely a necessary talk to have sooner or later, as even relatively ethical people will press an advantage and keep options open given the chance, possibly causing confusion and mistrust in those they are dating. This is an interesting point, and makes a great case to have the 'talk' before sex for anyone who feels they are getting attached to someone, or who want a serious relationship. As much as I prefer to drift into relationships without talking about it.. and then one night have that magical night of romance.. in online dating there are many shopping around and who will definitely keep their options open and especially if not asked as you say. As for who asks, man or women, if there is no sex, I would simply enjoy each others company, and perhaps in such a scenario a man does not need to get needy or anxious to ask. From experience, I also would not ask very soon or at al because I think women take longer to decide what they want. If there is sex however, and these days, it is very very common, I think either party should talk about it. maybe both parties will agree they just want casual sex for now.. super.. or both want a relationship ..super.. but if one wants casual sex or wants to date around.. and the other doesn't.. at least you know.. To me if sex is involved we should forget about thinking its needy, clingy, or worrying if a women really likes you or not. I think at some point people need to stand up for their values, or else you can expect to not be respected. For those men.. who don't care about a relationship, or whom sex is just for fun only, then I suppose there is no need to ask.
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