bluenightowl Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 If you are online dating and have been going out for a while do you have the exclusive talk (assuming you want to be exclusive): 1) Before Sex 2) After Sex 3) Never
Eeyore79 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 The exclusive talk always comes before sex for me. I won't have sex with a man unless we're in a committed relationship.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 The exclusive talk always comes before sex for me. I won't have sex with a man unless we're in a committed relationship. Ditto................
Author bluenightowl Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 That's 3 for the women.. I wonder if men might see things differently. btw. would a women respect a man more or less for asking before sex. does it come across as weak or clingy to talk about it or attractive especially if he said no to her if she just wanted sex. I once said no, and she became even more attracted to me but in the end she won and maybe I did as well.
orion1010 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I've always had sex and then had the exlusive talk. perhaps i should do it the other way around. but how long would you have to wait to have sex with a guy before he wants to be exclusive? what's to fast to be exclusive?
D-Lish Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 When I like someone, I wait to have sex. until I am sure. One day my ex asked me how to delete his profile on pof- and we both deleted our profiles. We didn't talk about being exclusive, but it was obvious, it just felt right, and everything fell into place naturally. I don't like to push an exclusive talk, but that's just me.
Jazzari Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 We talked about it in general terms before sex. He knew that sex was a serious step for me but nothing was set in stone. After we had sex the first time, we talked and made it exclusive directly afterward.
Cee Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 With online dating especially, talking before sex is a must. Exclusivity doesn't need to mean long-term relationship, but at least you know you both aren't sleeping around.
Jazzari Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I originally thought exclusive meant boyfriend/girlfriend and serious relationship. It was a bit of a shock when I discovered I was wrong. We eventually did make that distinction, but that was a whole other discussion.
sanskrit Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Be aware that there are two levels of the talk for online daters. The first level is taking the profiles down and agreeing to drop contact with others on the dating site. The second level is agreeing to date no one else. I thought the two were naturally the same, but learned otherwise after having two women in a row from match bring up the "level one" talk to get me off the site ("why don't we take our profiles down and see where this goes?"), yet continued to date other men they had known previously. When asked about it, they thought there were two distinct levels of exclusivity. Be aware of this as people can sometimes get very legalistic about -exactly- what was agreed to when it suits them. Up to you as to whether someone who could make that kind of distinction and expect you to buy it is a deal-killer.
Eeyore79 Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I originally thought exclusive meant boyfriend/girlfriend and serious relationship. It was a bit of a shock when I discovered I was wrong. Yes, me too. Apparently nowadays "exclusive" just means you're not having sex with anyone else. It doesn't mean that you're in a relationship or have feelings for each other. When I say I want to be exclusive before sex, what I mean is I want to be bf/gf in a serious relationship where were have feelings for each other.
Crazy Magnet Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I have to talk about it before sex. I do expect the kind of exclusive that is bf/gf with feelings involved. I also have to have the birth control and STD testing talk first.
carhill Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 (edited) If you are online dating and have been going out for a while do you have the exclusive talk (assuming you want to be exclusive): 1) Before Sex I originally thought exclusive meant boyfriend/girlfriend and serious relationship. For myself, it does. That's part of the communication. Edited May 21, 2011 by carhill
ice salamander Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 You have the exclusive talk when the girl brings it up. The man should never ever bring it up, why? Because a girl asking to be exclusive is a testament to her interest level. If you never let her bring this critical topic up, how would you ever know that she wants to be with you and you only? Women always have another male floating around, they flirt and all sorts of men do them favors. It isn't until she makes the effort from within herself to drop those losers and say I only want to be with you. So don't shoot yourself in the foot, always wait for the girl to ask.
CambridgeGirl Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Have never had an exclusivity chat in my life and would never have the balls to even begin to have one, god, is this normal?? I would die of embarrassment before talking about that, ever, same for STD tests! I have had several rels too and am in my 30's, but never have I ever discussed things once, way out of my comfort zone sadly.
phillyfan Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Dude say it weneva u want. If a dude likes u he wont care wen u say it. If hes a playa he'll say yea lets b exclusiv, just so he can hit it, then afta he wil change his mind. The talk aint the thing, its choosin a keeper thats the hard part.
Author bluenightowl Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 You have the exclusive talk when the girl brings it up. The man should never ever bring it up, why? Because a girl asking to be exclusive is a testament to her interest level. If you never let her bring this critical topic up, how would you ever know that she wants to be with you and you only? Women always have another male floating around, they flirt and all sorts of men do them favors. It isn't until she makes the effort from within herself to drop those losers and say I only want to be with you. So don't shoot yourself in the foot, always wait for the girl to ask. This sounds like some type of Doc Love quote. As noted even here.. some women wait for the man.. and some men wait for the women to bring it up.. and its seems for the same reasons.. and the same fears.. Some women might argue.. there are male players with lots of females floating around as well. there are.. lots. Personally would you rather wait to find out she is sleeping with 5 other guys.. maybe a friend tells you.. you get an STD... all because guys are never supposed to ask... until her interest level has reached high enough to bring it up.. and maybe because the guy she really wanted got away. Why not just ask.. if she says I'm not sure.. you can simply move on.. and if she really likes you.. and says yes.. you now have the foundation for a great relationship. Yes, people can lie.. but that would be a deal breaker would it not? then you know pretty clearly they aren't the one for you.
snug.bunny Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 The whole when to say it, when not to say it, can be confusing. If I go by looking at my past few longish relationship(s) ----> neither times was any sort of discussion brought up. Not on my part, not on theirs. When I am dating someone and sleeping with him, he's the only one I am doing that with. For me, in those instances, I personally didn't think to question the same with these individual men, because their actions and verbal cues and reassurances pretty much validated any fear based concerns in terms of whether or not we were on "the same page". A time when I had concerns and voiced them to someone I was dating, whereas I felt he wasn't interested in a relationship, it never evolved past that in terms of us turning into a couple. Now that could be because of me asking the "are we on the same page" prematurely, or the way I approached it, or simply we were just not compatible in terms of mutually desiring a relationship with one another. So, that's my personal experience, on the subject.
Author bluenightowl Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 The whole when to say it, when not to say it, can be confusing. If I go by looking at my past few longish relationship(s) ----> neither times was any sort of discussion brought up. Not on my part, not on theirs. When I am dating someone and sleeping with him, he's the only one I am doing that with. For me, in those instances, I personally didn't think to question the same with these individual men, because their actions and verbal cues and reassurances pretty much validated any fear based concerns in terms of whether or not we were on "the same page". A time when I had concerns and voiced them to someone I was dating, whereas I felt he wasn't interested in a relationship, it never evolved past that in terms of us turning into a couple. Now that could be because of me asking the "are we on the same page" prematurely, or the way I approached it, or simply we were just not compatible in terms of mutually desiring a relationship with one another. So, that's my personal experience, on the subject. Yes, most of my longish relationship were like that as well, but we knew we were only dating each other, I guess in the same way you did. I find its been mostly with online dating that I've felt the need to ask a few times mainly because I didn't know the person very well.. and things started to get intimate.. and I prefer to be exclusive at that point.. I suppose the alternative to communicating about this.. is to just not sleep together.. until you get those cues.. and you feel a level of trust.. that makes asking by either person not necessary.
ice salamander Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 This sounds like some type of Doc Love quote. As noted even here.. some women wait for the man.. and some men wait for the women to bring it up.. and its seems for the same reasons.. and the same fears.. Some women might argue.. there are male players with lots of females floating around as well. there are.. lots. Personally would you rather wait to find out she is sleeping with 5 other guys.. maybe a friend tells you.. you get an STD... all because guys are never supposed to ask... until her interest level has reached high enough to bring it up.. and maybe because the guy she really wanted got away. Why not just ask.. if she says I'm not sure.. you can simply move on.. and if she really likes you.. and says yes.. you now have the foundation for a great relationship. Yes, people can lie.. but that would be a deal breaker would it not? then you know pretty clearly they aren't the one for you. Well you're certainly entitled to your own opinion. Let's just see what happens the next time you bring up the exclusive talk. Will she dodge the question? Say yes then go behind your back and flirt around on face book and other people from work/school? What do you think about a female proposing to a man for marriage? Will there ever be any doubts in her mind that he wanted to marry her just as bad? Ask yourself these questions, then tell me sure there might be nothing wrong with a guy asking for exclusiveness... But which is better? The girl or the guy asking? That's what I thought.
sanskrit Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 (edited) This sounds like some type of Doc Love quote. Regardless of whether it is or not, it's great advice. In many early dating scenarios, the man has done all the approaching, asking out, date planning and most if not all the contacting. The exclusivity talk is often the first time the woman shows any initiative or takes risk by putting her feelings on the line. The man's job is to approach, express interest and ask out, the woman's is to show that she has "selected" the man above other options at various stages by accepting dates first, continuing to accept attention, and eventually bringing up exclusivity. Now, if the woman did the approach, asking out, etc., she would have a reasonable expectation of the man initiating the exclusivity talk. Edited May 22, 2011 by sanskrit
Author bluenightowl Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Well you're certainly entitled to your own opinion. Let's just see what happens the next time you bring up the exclusive talk. Will she dodge the question? Say yes then go behind your back and flirt around on face book and other people from work/school? What do you think about a female proposing to a man for marriage? Will there ever be any doubts in her mind that he wanted to marry her just as bad? Ask yourself these questions, then tell me sure there might be nothing wrong with a guy asking for exclusiveness... But which is better? The girl or the guy asking? That's what I thought. I think you raise good points.. so my challenging you is to provoke the community in part.. No.. she(s) never dodged the questions.. females proposing to a man...?? well I wasn't talking about marriage.. I think that is another ball game altogether.. but I know most people already know before there is any proposal..
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