Can I still get him back?

[sphynx]

My ex broke up with me a month ago, for the second time.

First time around, we had been "dating" for 2 months but nothing serious, he never seemed too into me. So he broke up with me, and I went NC right away, minus the fact that I continued to go out with my friends at the club he works at (we've been regulars there for a long time). I simply ignored him, and had fun and danced with other guys. I have to be honest here and say that the first weekend I went there after the breakup, I got drunk trying to cope with seeing him and I stupidly hugged and kissed some guy...which came back to haunt me after my ex and I got back together.

Anyway, after that month of NC he called me, said he had missed me, and we got back together. He always reminded me of that night when I acted so out of character with that guy, so I know it bothered him a lot (even though it shouldn't have, since we were broken up, his choice).

We were together for another 3 months, and things seemed to go well for a while, but then I had a feeling he met someone else, I don't know what happened, but he was looking for reasons to fight with me and he was cold, distant, and never wanted to hang out. So last month we broke up again, he thought that me wanting to hang out at least once/week was clingy and needy

I had no help from my friends, as much as I asked them to hang out some other place than my ex's club, they still dragged me there a week after the breakup, they thought I'd be better off facing my fears right away (seeing him). So I got drunk again, because I just thought I'd die if I stayed sober, and I dreaded seeing him with another woman so soon after the breakup, and again kissed another guy right in front of my ex. In my defense, I knew and liked the guy for a long time, and I had every intention to start dating him, but something happened in his life soon after and it ended up not happening.

I've been going at that club every week since then, stopped drinking completely and I do dance with guys, but in the most proper way possible. I'm ignoring my ex and he ignores me...but I did see him looking my way a few times last week. I want him back, I miss him a lot but I know I screwed up by being with that guy in his face, especially since it was not the first time I did it. I know my ex knows I was drunk that night and why I was drunk, but I assume I lost his respect... I just wonder if it's forever or there is still a chance to have him back? I don't know if he's dating someone else, I assume he is, as he is a "ladies man" and loves the attention and gets bored easily with the same woman...

It's been already 4 weeks of NC...what can I do at this point? Start saying 'hi' to him when I go there? Send him an email? Please keep in mind that after the breakup (before that damned night) I had sent him an email agreeing with the breakup, and saying that I hoped he'd stay friends with me, but he never answered that email...

[geegirl]

Leave him alone.

 

1) You said he gets bored easily with the same woman.

2) Seeing him once a week is too clingy for him so he dumped you.

3) He broke up with you TWICE.

4) He's a ladies man and loves attention.

5) Didn't even care to respond about your invitation to be friends.

 

You want to go back to that? 4 weeks NC and you haven't heard from him. He didn't entertain "friends". Yet you want to send him another email and tell him...what? Yet you want to go to the club and put yourself in a situation that could be awkward and possibly painful because you hope "hi" will force a response and help you decide where you stand? I think his silence and his not wanting to be friends is his answer to you.

 

I'm glad you have stopped drinking. Aside from that, if you like a guy at a bar, don't get plastered and make out hoping for it to go somewhere. Most guys don't have much respect for that type of behavior other than thinking it's going to be a fun night. Think of repercussions, especially with alcohol.

 

As for your friends, I hardly think they had your best interest at heart. When I broke up, my friends insisted I not frequent places my ex went to until I was strong enough and emotionally detached enough. Don't ever put yourself in a position that YOU know will be detrimental to YOU. You should have stayed home and let them go to the club. I believe they just wanted to have their fun at the club under the pretense of telling you to "suck it up".

[sphynx]

Leave him alone.

 

1) You said he gets bored easily with the same woman.

2) Seeing him once a week is too clingy for him so he dumped you.

3) He broke up with you TWICE.

4) He's a ladies man and loves attention.

5) Didn't even care to respond about your invitation to be friends.

 

You want to go back to that? 4 weeks NC and you haven't heard from him. He didn't entertain "friends". Yet you want to send him another email and tell him...what? Yet you want to go to the club and put yourself in a situation that could be awkward and possibly painful because you hope "hi" will force a response and help you decide where you stand? I think his silence and his not wanting to be friends is his answer to you.

 

I'm glad you have stopped drinking. Aside from that, if you like a guy at a bar, don't get plastered and make out hoping for it to go somewhere. Most guys don't have much respect for that type of behavior other than thinking it's going to be a fun night. Think of repercussions, especially with alcohol.

 

As for your friends, I hardly think they had your best interest at heart. When I broke up, my friends insisted I not frequent places my ex went to until I was strong enough and emotionally detached enough. Don't ever put yourself in a position that YOU know will be detrimental to YOU. You should have stayed home and let them go to the club. I believe they just wanted to have their fun at the club under the pretense of telling you to "suck it up".

 

Thanks for your answer, you are 100% right. He did way worse than what I wrote, unfortunately, and I took it all, for fear of losing him...which in retrospect is what made me lose him in the end! I'm not a typical doormat but I totally behaved like one with him.

For some reason however, I still want him in my life. When things were good, they were GOOD. I thought we understood each other, or so he made me believe. I have met many guys since the breakup, yet none of them got me truly interested, and I think about my ex constantly.

You're also right about my friends, they go there every single week and think that I'm over him and after the way he treated me it should be easy for me to see him, but it's not. Every time I know I have to go there, I say a few little prayers in advance...you know..."please God don't let me see anything that could hurt me tonight" (him with another woman)... Getting drunk is the only thing that can numb those feelings, but I'm forcing myself not to drink anymore. But what's my alternative? Stay home by myself every weekend, while my friends are going out? It's so hard...

[geegirl]

Just because you want to be with him, doesn't mean you need to. You have to start thinking and being realistic about your relationship as a whole with this man and not just "when it was good it was good".

 

You still want him in your life, good or bad because you are emotionally attached. That's all. Don't react to your feelings because it's normal to want someone back that you are attached to. Doesn't mean you go running back. You said he made you believe you both understood each other. So, going back and building on that type of uncertainty is going to get you back to where you started.

 

As for your friends, if they really cared about your emotional well being, they'd choose a different activity that they can include you in without putting you in a position that hurts you. They would care for your well being and go somewhere else. Maybe you should try to fill your weekends with other activities and find another circle of friends that don't need to get wasted and party every weekend.

 

Friends support you, nurture you and look out for your best interest. Look for those. If your friend was suffering the same fate, would you do the same to her?

 

Numb those feelings? Not with alcohol. With NC. You'd rather party and drink than care for your emotional health? God woman, at least give yourself some time to heal. Clubs and getting wasted will always be there.

[sphynx]

Just because you want to be with him, doesn't mean you need to. You have to start thinking and being realistic about your relationship as a whole with this man and not just "when it was good it was good".

 

You still want him in your life, good or bad because you are emotionally attached. That's all. Don't react to your feelings because it's normal to want someone back that you are attached to. Doesn't mean you go running back. You said he made you believe you both understood each other. So, going back and building on that type of uncertainty is going to get you back to where you started.

 

As for your friends, if they really cared about your emotional well being, they'd choose a different activity that they can include you in without putting you in a position that hurts you. They would care for your well being and go somewhere else. Maybe you should try to fill your weekends with other activities and find another circle of friends that don't need to get wasted and party every weekend.

 

Friends support you, nurture you and look out for your best interest. Look for those. If your friend was suffering the same fate, would you do the same to her?

 

Numb those feelings? Not with alcohol. With NC. You'd rather party and drink than care for your emotional health? God woman, at least give yourself some time to heal. Clubs and getting wasted will always be there.

 

It looks like I no longer need to numb my feelings, there are no more feelings. I went there last night again, and through some weird turn of events, I met this girl who is a friend of a friend, we hit it off pretty fast, only to find out by the end of the night that she is my ex's current girlfriend!!! Not only that, I also found out they had been together while he was still with me, so basically my instincts were right, he was cheating on me, then dumped me for her. She has no idea about me though, and I didn't tell her, I didn't think it was my place to do so. I actually liked her and was going to befriend her, but now obviously that ain't gonna happen, even though it's really not her fault.

It's just...WOW! Unreal. In a way I feel relief, because he had tried to make it look like the breakup happened because of me, because I was too pushy (asking to hang out with him at least once per week, lol!), so I was feeling guilt and thought about trying to have him back, but now I know it was not about me at all, it was him being the jerk, so I guess I feel better about myself.

As a side note, he had dated this girl 4 years ago too, then dumped her for being too clingy and needy (he had told me about her, as did our mutual friend), she married some other guy, has a 4 months old baby, split with the husband...yeah, ideal situation, lol. That's gonna have a happy ending...NOT!