Should I tell my gf how insecure I am?

[OriginalPenguin]

Will try to keep this brief and get to the point; I have an unhealthy amount of anxiety and insecurity when it comes to my girlfriend of about 6 months. We hit it off great for a couple months, then things went south a bit because we were not communicating and misred some things, made wrong assumptions about others. We have since learned from this and are crazilly in love with each other.

 

We spend a lot of time together, give each other plenty of affection and attention so there are no issues there.

 

However, I get crazy when I don't hear from her. I mean my pulse quickens, I get nervous and wonder about all sorts of insane scenarios; is she talking to an ex, is she getting "advice" from friends to dump me (this has actually happened in the past), is she not responding back because she is pissed off, etc.

 

I know how bad this is and time and time again she wipes my fears away with reassurance. As soon as I hear from her all those feelings vanish, only to start creeping up again in another cycle.

 

I am bipolar, am taking meds for it and trying really hard to not let these insecurities get the best of me and I still wonder if I should include her in this or not. Part of me wants to be totally open about it but part of me is terrified she will see this as a pathetic, sniveling thing that will scare her off. Because to be honest that is how I feel about it...I know how utterly ridiculous it is, how it is robbing my life of joy. But that is not making it go away...

 

Any advice?

[dispatch3d]

Things are fine; continue to work out your relationship issues with your girlfriend. It sounds like she's pretty adept at calming you down. I think your building some mountains in your post and making a bigger deal out of things than is totally necessary. When you talk to her about issues things settle, that's all that really matters.

[OriginalPenguin]

Things are fine; continue to work out your relationship issues with your girlfriend. It sounds like she's pretty adept at calming you down. I think your building some mountains in your post and making a bigger deal out of things than is totally necessary. When you talk to her about issues things settle, that's all that really matters.

 

You summed it up pretty well!

 

My head knows these things, so why does my imagination keep running off with me? And note that I have not talked to her about these specific things, how wound up I get when we are apart because I am afraid of her reaction.

 

Guess I am interested in a females point of view; if your boyfriend told you these things what would you think?

[denise_xo]

Guess I am interested in a females point of view

 

I agree with the male point of view above. Beyond that, keep showing her (though actions, not only words) that you are working in improving your issues. Good luck

[OriginalPenguin]

I agree with the male point of view above. Beyond that, keep showing her (though actions, not only words) that you are working in improving your issues. Good luck

 

But she doesn't know about these issues That is my whole point...I am fighting them alone.

[HappyPanda]

But she doesn't know about these issues That is my whole point...I am fighting them alone.

 

 

She doesnt know you have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder? Or that she doesnt know how anxious you get?

 

I feel as though your anxiety will most likely subdue itself as the months go on, and you two are out of the "puppy love" stage... Just keep it up working on your issues..

 

That being said, I feel as though keeping your diagnosis from her is probably unwise. If/when she finds out, she will most likely be upset. It also will help her understand your behaviors and/or attitudes.

 

Do you have a therapist at current? Perhaps he/she can help you work on better coping mechanisms regarding your issues with abandonment/anxiety surrounding your new leading lady.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Will try to keep this brief and get to the point; I have an unhealthy amount of anxiety and insecurity when it comes to my girlfriend of about 6 months. We hit it off great for a couple months, then things went south a bit because we were not communicating and misred some things, made wrong assumptions about others. We have since learned from this and are crazilly in love with each other.

Any advice?

 

Feel free to tell her of any medical diagnosis you may have received for anxiety or bipolor.

 

However, under no circumstances do you EVER, EVER,... EVER admit to being insecure. Only in very rare situations is this a good idea.

[OriginalPenguin]

She doesnt know you have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder? Or that she doesnt know how anxious you get?

 

I feel as though your anxiety will most likely subdue itself as the months go on, and you two are out of the "puppy love" stage... Just keep it up working on your issues..

 

That being said, I feel as though keeping your diagnosis from her is probably unwise. If/when she finds out, she will most likely be upset. It also will help her understand your behaviors and/or attitudes.

 

Do you have a therapist at current? Perhaps he/she can help you work on better coping mechanisms regarding your issues with abandonment/anxiety surrounding your new leading lady.

g

She knows about the bipolar thin, but not about the anxiety. No therapist but have considered it, had one a few years ago and tried to set that up but he is AWOL.

[cerridwen]

g

She knows about the bipolar thin, but not about the anxiety. No therapist but have considered it, had one a few years ago and tried to set that up but he is AWOL.

 

The anxiety can very well be PART of the mania. Mania can be agitation and anxiety as well--not just feelings of euphoria.

 

Your disorder needs to be monitored.

Get a psychotherapist for therapy and have her/him recommend a psychiatrist for medicine management.

 

You need to be on solid footing for a chance at a good relationship.

 

Best to you.

[denise_xo]

But she doesn't know about these issues That is my whole point...I am fighting them alone.

 

Sorry I see now that I missed the point.

 

My take would be that even if you don't tell her, she'll figure it out and sense your insecurities anyway. So, better dealing with it in an honest and open way. I'd much rather have a man tell me has issues x and y and then telling me how he's trying to constructively deal with it (as you are with medication, considering therapy, being very aware of your issues and potential consequences) than someone who projects lots of securities on me but doesn't directly acknowledge that it's an issue. That's just me and there's no guarantee for how she will take it, but I'd advocate honesty. And try some counselling. Good luck!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think you should.

 

I told my boyfriend all my insecurities and it only brought us closer together

[TuffCookieX]

Definitely tell her. Once she has an understanding, she can make it so that you don't feel so insecure. Also, you don't want to hide it so much that you turn into Alan Guillermo and go crazy on her ass for having male friends.

[Goatsbreath]

I wouldn't tell her. I know it's hard but it's your problem. Don't throw it on her and be like "I'm insecure so you need to behave in a certain way to make sure you don't trip my wire."

 

Just say the following, "It means nothing." Say this every time your head starts taking you places and put yourself to work on something. Play a video game, guitar, draw, make a project, go out for a beer, run, whatever...

 

I mean, what happens if you tell her? Now she knows so she should help to quell the fire. What happens when she don't call on time now. You start thinking, she knows about my problem, she hasn't called, something is definitely up....

[sagetalk]

 

Any advice?

 

Sure, don't tell her you're feeling insecure. Tell her you miss her, tell her you want her, tell her she completes you, or whatever you want, but for goodness sake don't tell her you're insecure.

[cerridwen]

Oops. Forgot to add:

 

No, I don't think you should tell her. Work out these issues with a therapist and strengthen yourself.

[Star Gazer]

I think it would be incredibly unwise to tell a new SO (less than 6-9 months) all your insecurities. The only reason they wouldn't go running if you do is if they're equally insecure themselves, which isn't a good thing.

[Dust]

I think telling her you get really insecure when she doesn’t call you constantly will only guilt and push her away. Never put her in the role of constantly reassuring you that she isn’t a) cheating b) plotting against you.

 

Since you are diagnosed bi-poloar it would probably be best you get some professional advice.

[OriginalPenguin]

Thanks for the replies everybody. Looks like the best course of action is not to tell her, and I am seeking some counseling. I know I need it it, at the same time I am also not sure I need to tell her about that as well. So it's sort of a quandary that the help I seek is making me feel like I am hiding something from her.

[VicJay79]

OriginalPenguin,

 

I am EXACTLY in the same boat as you are, and its nice to know I am not alone. I am also pretty insecure as well, and it seems in the same general areas. Here is a bit of background on my story:

 

The Gods have smiled on this poor sap, and have awarded me with a fairly attractive women. Ok, she isn't just attractive, she is BEAUTIFUL, and way beyond my league. She represents to me the girl I would always stare at when I go to the bar, but would never get the courage to talk to. This actually says something, because I can talk to practically anyone, as I love the sound of my voice, and I can be fairly charming. [insecurity about my LOOKS].

 

We have been dating for about a Month and some change, and things have been going fairly well. I am more of a high maintence boyfriend in terms of requiring girls to be very 'verbally' expressive about how they feel. My girlfriend is more of a QUIET type so she doesn't really express her freelings much, but on occasion would tell me I am a 'great boyfriend'.

This became a problem because I NEED to hear that I am: 1) Doing a Great Job as a Boyfriend and 2) I am loved. Seriously if I don't hear these enough, I start getting anxious,

 

A couple weeks ago, I sat her down and told her I have a fear of Abandonment [insecurity- Fear of Abandonment]. She claimed to understand, and said promised she wouldn't leave me. I obviously know that promise really doesn't mean much, but it was comforting at the time. Honestly, this Fear of Abandonment was the primary reason I wanted a 'solid commitment' and even wanted to move towards the fast track of engagement! From a cultural perspective, women in my culture don't break things off during the Engagement process.

 

After doing some thinking in terms of my abandonment fear, I finally came to the conclusion that I am not only high maintence, but I also need from women the constant re-assurance that I am loved and doing a great job. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't have to be all the time, but It would be nice if throughout the day, I got a message, a card, a phone call, or something just to say "Hey! I miss you. Your wonderful".

 

With this new incite, I decided to have our first phone conversation about this issue. I ussually like to attack these points in person, but being long distance does create problems. When we had our first 'phone discussion' she kept on saying "Look I call you 2 times per day, and we talk for a total of 40 minutes.. What more do you want? I feel like I can't please you!".

 

I told her that I need to HEAR that I am missed. I just don't need a 'I love you' once in the morning, but I would like to hear it throughout the day when possible. I can understand being busy and etc, and not being able to call the person, but its nice as a guy to know that you are: Doing a GREAT job and your loved! It makes me feel more secure in the relationship. After much discussion, she finally understood she needs to be more expressive. While she said she would 'work' on it, she did however make me realize that 'each time she does call' she is implicityly saying "I MISS YOU.. I LOVE YOU.. I CANT stop thinking about you".

 

 

These last 2 days have been a lot better since our talk. At the end of the day, we need to work on our insecurities....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will try to keep this brief and get to the point; I have an unhealthy amount of anxiety and insecurity when it comes to my girlfriend of about 6 months. We hit it off great for a couple months, then things went south a bit because we were not communicating and misred some things, made wrong assumptions about others. We have since learned from this and are crazilly in love with each other.

 

We spend a lot of time together, give each other plenty of affection and attention so there are no issues there.

 

However, I get crazy when I don't hear from her. I mean my pulse quickens, I get nervous and wonder about all sorts of insane scenarios; is she talking to an ex, is she getting "advice" from friends to dump me (this has actually happened in the past), is she not responding back because she is pissed off, etc.

 

I know how bad this is and time and time again she wipes my fears away with reassurance. As soon as I hear from her all those feelings vanish, only to start creeping up again in another cycle.

 

I am bipolar, am taking meds for it and trying really hard to not let these insecurities get the best of me and I still wonder if I should include her in this or not. Part of me wants to be totally open about it but part of me is terrified she will see this as a pathetic, sniveling thing that will scare her off. Because to be honest that is how I feel about it...I know how utterly ridiculous it is, how it is robbing my life of joy. But that is not making it go away...

 

Any advice?

Edited May 23, 2011 by VicJay79

[OriginalPenguin]

Hey, a brother in arms! My girl is similar to what you described in that she is fairly quiet and does not verbalize things as much as I do. It is taking some getting used to but not a show stopper.

 

OriginalPenguin,

 

 

 

After doing some thinking in terms of my abandonment fear, I finally came to the conclusion that I am not only high maintence, but I also need from women the constant re-assurance that I am loved and doing a great job. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't have to be all the time, but It would be nice if throughout the day, I got a message, a card, a phone call, or something just to say "Hey! I miss you. Your wonderful".

 

I totally get this, at the same time I wonder "how much is enough"? I actually DO get assurances like this a few times a day. And the fact that I still have the insecurities just reinforces what has already been stated, there are other things going on that need to be dealt with. Something tells me that even if we got these messages every five minutes we would start to fret the four minutes in between.

 

At the end of the day, we need to work on our insecurities....

 

Yea I agree that is the bottom line. I am hoping that in time these feelings will fade as we start to build confidence in the beautiful women that we are both blessed with.

[VicJay79]

OriginalPenguin,

 

It feels great to know we are dating similiar people, and we seem similar ourselves. Hopefully we can both learn from each other's mistakes to keep the girls we have! I do have to admit, dating a more quiet girl is a lot harder, especially one that has no phone-fu WHAT SO EVER!

 

When is it ENOUGH is a question I actually had to go to my therapist about. I have issues about whether I am a man, because I am so 'needy or emotionally high maintence'. Honestly, on the days she doesn't tell em she loves me as much, I read her old e-mails. I also let it sit in and steam in my soul. The fact of the matter is, I need to be 'anchored' a bit!

 

This relationship is new, and each time she doesn't do something, she takes one small piece of sand from the castle I have built in the sky. Enough of those pieces will cause the castle to crumble... Chances are before it crumbles, i would have changed my expectations, and i wouldn't be pulling the piece of sand from the castle.

 

There are days I want it more. There are days she doesn't call when I need to hear it. That pain that we feel in terms of our insecurity is our INNER WOMEN screaming. I shut him up by pretending it doesnt bother me... by understanding that this pain is what men need to learn how to carry inside. It will prepare for more serious emotional issues later down the road. TRAINING!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, a brother in arms! My girl is similar to what you described in that she is fairly quiet and does not verbalize things as much as I do. It is taking some getting used to but not a show stopper.

 

 

 

I totally get this, at the same time I wonder "how much is enough"? I actually DO get assurances like this a few times a day. And the fact that I still have the insecurities just reinforces what has already been stated, there are other things going on that need to be dealt with. Something tells me that even if we got these messages every five minutes we would start to fret the four minutes in between.

 

 

 

Yea I agree that is the bottom line. I am hoping that in time these feelings will fade as we start to build confidence in the beautiful women that we are both blessed with.